Strike A Match...

Bill Simmons has a mailbag up. Unfortunately his mailbags are the equivalent of finding dog poo in a paper bag on your door step. What initially drew me to the "article" was his comparison between the Celtics '08 team and the '86 team. I was foaming at the mouth to tear this apart, but alas, it was only an April Fool's joke. Now he is mocking his own stupid columns. So we get a mailbag instead involving actual readers writing in to ask the Sports Guy questions. I am weary and just plain tired of this shit, can we not call him the Sports Guy anymore? How about the Boston Sports and 80's Movies Guy? That sounds a lot more accurate.

Q:Your stubborn insistence on writing basketball nonsense for months on end reminds me of when Pearl Jam made albums like "Binaural" to purposely drive fans away.I'd even read a Red Sox column or a Tom Brady column just because it's not a basketball column. You do realize the baseball season started right?-- Danny G., Kansas City, Mo.

SG: Fine, we'll make it an April Fools' mailbag with no basketball questions. (Frankly, any comparison of my hoops columns to "Binaural" is a wake-up call. I might never write about the NBA again.)

Alas, even not on April Fools Day, the joke is always on the reader. They have to read this shit, while Simmons rakes in the dough and re-writes the same article over and over. This question is proof Simmons makes up the questions. No reader in his right mind would want more Red Sox or Tom Brady columns. I also like how the questioner asked for no basketball columns and Simmons responded saying he may never write about the NBA again. Sorry Bill, NCAA is included. Actually making it specifically the NCAA Tournament and anything involving college athletics would be better for me personally. Here is a quote after answering a Brett Favre question that proves how dumb he is:

Speaking of Favre, he already has been replaced by Tyler Hansborough as the token "White Athlete That The Media Openly and Embarrassingly Fawns Over Because of His Work Ethic and Love For the Game." (Note: Steve Nash was the overwhelming favorite here until Hansborough too over during the tournament.)

(Bengoodfella groans in agony) I agree with the statement about Hansbrough, but I think Hansbrough too(k?) over two years ago when he came into college basketball. See Bill, just because you have only watched the NCAA Tournament this year does not mean it did not happen before you watched. I hate we have to go over this again. The media has always fawned over Hansbrough, you were just not paying attention and now you are. Shut the hell up and go to the next question please.

Then Simmons admits he does not watch the National League.

Speaking of baseball, allow me one extended thought about the American League heading into the season. Why the American League and not both leagues? Because that's the league in which I watch 162 Red Sox games a year and throw myself into my AL-only fantasy keeper league.

Don't worry though, this will not stop never ending, "the National League is AAAA ball" jokes and a prediction of an AL team beating an NL team in the World Series.

Boston, Cleveland, Seattle and New York (wild card) in the playoffs and Cleveland over Boston in the ALCS, with the Indians trouncing the D-Backs in another World Series sweep.

See? Not only does he not predict the National League results, he has them being swept in the World Series. This, my friends, is why I hate Simmons' writing. He admits to not following something, but feels knowledgeable enough to make predictions about it. Irritating. This is like me saying, "I have never read a single article by Jemele Hill but I know that Scoop Jackson is more racist."

From here we got emails from Boston, Pennslyvania, Rhode Island, and Connecticut. The emails were also boring. As this whole mailbag was actually. Making fun of this was like writing a review of a Britney Spears concert. The whole premise in itself is comedic, so there is not too much I can add to sum it up efficiently or even comment on it. I think Simmons has finally beat me. He has bored me to death.

Can I get some "uppity, I am rich, so I have lost all perspective" comments Bill? This was about an MTV Gauntlet question, which honestly, who the hell watches that show. I watch the Hills, and I don't watch the Gauntlet. You are 37, Bill, give it up, your prime has past you by. And yeah, I watch the Hills, so screw you all for snickering to yourself.

When I was in Arizona for the Super Bowl, I met a guy named Kyle Brandt, who was one of the "Real World: Chicago" castmates and currently works for Jim Rome. Kyle said MTV has tried to get him to appear on those Gauntlet/Challenge shows and he always turns them down, but when we were talking about it, he said MTV only pays five grand to everyone who comes on those shows (plus prize money). That's like slave labor, isn't it?

No fuckhead, that is not slave labor. Let's sum up the differences since you seem to be too rich to know what real slave labor is.

Real Slave Labor: Getting paid zero dollars an hour for doing a job, having to live in a house with 30 other people and being violently assaulted if you slack off your job, potentially in the anus if they need to prove their point.

Real Modern Day Slave Labor: Getting paid minimum wage for doing a shit job. This comes to about $12K per year.

Bill's idea of Slave Labor: Being paid $5,000 for a month of work on a game with other contestants that are your age on a major network. That comes to 60K per year.

Most people don't earn 60K per year in this country, but Bill thinks you should be paid more for going on a game show and dicking around for a whole fucking month with other people your age. This is the same person who wants Obama to be president. This is the same person who just wrote a eulogy for an athlete who died at a young age and tried to come off as caring. He wants MTV to pay these losers more money. He thinks 5k per month is a slave wage for a game show, constantly talks about his friends who are involved in Hollywood, and "knows people" in the office of Western Conference teams. He has not changed one bit from his Boston Sports Guy days though, don't worry. Let his fans eat bread! Eat bread shitheads! He also probably does not like It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia either, which means he really sucks.

Q: In the past couple years, you've said the Bruins have been dead to you. Now that the Bruins are semi-resurgent (in sixth place in the East as I write this), do you see them making a return to your life at all?-- Andrew M., Pittsburgh

SG: Not until Jeremy Jacobs sells the Bruins and Gary Bettman is replaced. I am an NHL widow until those two things happen. Sorry.

Bill, I think he just called you a fair weather fan. Not sure, but I would like to think so...and you did not catch on at all.

Q: On the "B.S. Report," you mentioned having Phil Hughes on your fantasy squad. As a "die-hard" Red Sox fan, how can you have a player from your sworn enemy? How can you secretly want to see Phil Hughes do well?-- Colin, San Francisco

SG: ...And most importantly ... the Yankees aren't the Yankees anymore. They haven't won a World Series in eight years; they don't have the Steinbrenner Mystique anymore; they're being run by Tommy Boy; they're tearing down The House That Ruth Built; the Mets are replacing them as New York's Most Relevant Baseball Team; they're four years removed from being the first team in the history of the NBA or MLB to blow a 3-0 lead in a series; and as long as Mr. April (A-Rod) is the face of the Yankees, they're a non-threat in the playoffs. To be honest, I'm more concerned with the Indians and Tigers at this stage of my life. So there.

Remember five years ago when Bill Simmons railed against Yankees fans and how pompous they were? Read the above paragraph again and tell me he is not the exact same way now. I dare you. The Yankees are a non-threat in the playoffs? How cocky. I have never heard A Rod called Mr. April before either, that is so new to me! If I were Bill Simmons doing a commentary ten years from now on my articles I would say, "this is the part where I reached the Rocky III part of my life, prior to being caught in a men's room with Kevin Love." What a cocky asshole.

Q: Just watched "Bad News Bears in Breaking Training." Is it me or does William Devane enjoy rubbing Tanner Boyle's leg a little too much after Tanner got taken out by that slide into second base? In about two or three seconds, Devane goes from the genuinely concerned stage to the genuinely creepy stage. Am I nuts?-- Rich, Linden, N.J.

SG: Put it this way: When I bought the DVD, I was looking for a deleted scene where Devane was working on Tanner's leg, the umpires tried to intervene and Devane kept rubbing Tanner's leg and fighting them off, followed by the fans chanting, "Let them be gay! Let them be gay! Let them be gay! Let them be gay!"

Fuck you Rich from New Jersey. Simmons thought of that joke first and even had a chant based on it. There is nothing you can ask him he has not thought of first. He thinks of every joke before you do and can even make it funnier. You can't bring anything up to him that he has not thought of first.

How does anyone like this guy? He is that kid you knew when you were younger who always said he had cooler shit than everyone else but you couldn't see it because his mom did not want anyone in the house while she was at work.

Simmons thought of global warming way before anyone else did. In fact, the reason he hates Dane Cook is that Cook ripped off Simmons' entire stand up act he used to do on the East Coast in the early 90's. I bet Simmons really thought of the idea for Good Luck Chuck way before the screenwriters. Schindler's List was his idea as well.

I will end it this with the reason why Simmons was asked to write for Kimmel originally those many years ago...and that reason is this joke.

Q: Some of my guy friends and I have noticed that when we go on road trips or just general vacations where we spend a lot of time together, we all get on the same pooping "cycle." After a few days together, we always end up having to poop at the same time -- sort of the male equivalent of women and the menstrual cycle. Our question: is there a name for this phenomenon?-- Jakob, San Francisco

SG: The menstool cycle?

Fucking hilarious.