The Most Boring Conversation Ever Part 2: Bill Strikes Back

I was bored reading through this entire chat, so I really had to muster up the anger to mock Bill for it. You know what though? It worked out really well for me, I am pumped up, have had coffee, mom is at work and the fan in the attic is working, so let's do it! Today's post is going to be full of twists and turns, I can feel it.

Nick (Boston): Bill - while nobody works harder than Mel Kiper, what is the point of grading drafts the day afterwards? I feel like if you draft skill-position players that everyone knows, you're universally praised - and with the opposite, panned. The Lions had the greatest draft of the last ten years when they were able to land Charles Rogers and Kevin Jones in the first round a couple of years ago. Madness.

Bill Simmons: Put it this way: I don't even read post-draft grading columns anymore. It's ridiculous. KC traded their best defensive player for extra picks... OF COURSE they had the best draft on paper, but who the hell knows? With that said, I thought Jacksonville and Carolina had the 2 weirdest drafts ... Carolina especially.

I am not even going to choke up saying this, but this is a perfect question and answer for Bill. He seriously nailed this. Nick from Boston, who may well be the smartest person in the New England area, brings up a great point and Bill responds with a smart answer. The Chiefs had a ton of choices, so they had a great opportunity to fill holes in their team, so Bill makes a great point about them logically having the best draft. Buttttttttttttt......

What was so odd about the Carolina and Jacksonville drafts?

Here is what we know about these two teams:

Jacksonville: plays in the same division as Peyton Manning, has a great running game, is really lacking the big offensive playmaker in the air to get over the hump.

Carolina: plays in the oddest division in sports where every year a new team wins the division, coach is very, very, very dedicated to running the ball, needs to help Steve Smith out someway, somehow.

Here is what they drafted:

Jacksonville: 2 DE, 1 LB, 1 CB, 1 RB (Derrick Harvey and Quentin Groves being the two DE's and the key picks for Jacksonville). Jacksonville is taking a page from the Texans book and getting two good DE in the draft to put pressure on Manning, they must think they have covered their WR need with Williamson and Porter in the offseason, and they drafted Chauncey Washington, who is vastly underrated by the way, in case Drew or Taylor get injured. Seems like they have a plan to me. Pressure the QB, pressure the QB seems to be that plan.

Carolina: 1 RB, 3 OL, 1 CB, 2 LB, 1 DT, 1 TE (Jonathan Stewart and Jeff Otah being a RB and RT respectively as the key picks for Carolina). They pick up a big RB and a RT in the first round to improve the running game which will take pressure off Smith hopefully, they must think the pick up of Muhammad and Hackett in the offseason helps Smith out in the air, and are playing for this year in a division where no team has won the division crown two years in a row in like 7 years.

Will these moves work out? Maybe not, but at least they each have a plan. I don't think the drafts were that odd really, I think Bill is an idiot.

Hater-meter: 0.

Sean (Seattle): Have you ever seen a pitcher with King Felix stuff? People talk about all these Cain's, Hughes, Buchholz, etc, but Felix is so much more dominating than any of them. 97 FB, 94 2 seamer with serious movement, 84 changeup with great arm action, and a 78 curveball for a strike when he wants. He doesn't even throw his slider anymore, and that was always considered his best pitch. Thoughts?

Bill Simmons: Pedro in his prime had better stuff (at least of the guys in my lifetime that I watched), but you're right, Felix's "stuff" is significantly better than anyone else's "stuff." he's the only pitcher who makes me flick to his games if he's pitching to make sure he's not throwing a no-no.

Surprise, surprise, Bill says Pedro was better. Look at the caveat he throws in there: "of the guys in his lifetime," which is since the 1970's, "that I watched," which is only Red Sox games and absolutely no National League baseball. So Pedro has the best "stuff" (why the quotes?) of any Red Sox pitcher since the 1970's and King Felix is a close second. So if you take half the league out of the equation and only count the last 30 years, King Felix has great "stuff." Congrats King Felix, now go get an ERA under 3.50 and have hitters hit under .260 against you at least once in your career and I may agree.

My only other thought is, "why would you ask Bill Simmons a question that was not pop culture related?" You should expect a Joe Morgan-esque answer on this because Bill does not watch any other teams!

Hater-meter: 4

DC (NYC): are you ready for the max scherzer era?

Bill Simmons: I don't see him making it - bad name for a potentially dominant athlete. he sounds like he should be working for Rusty Hardin.

The most popular sports columnist on the most popular sports website does not think Max Scherzer is going to make it because of his name. Just thought I would mention that.

Hater-meter: 7.

Scott, Knoxville, TN: Love you, love your stuff, I hate the Pats, so it's bittersweet to see Jerod Mayo going to you guys. I just hope you value a player as good and as smart as he is. Go Colts!!

Bill Simmons: I speak for every Pats fan: We're thrilled for the Jerod Mayo Era. It's going to be nice to watch an inside linebacker keep up speedwise with another team's running back.

Other than the swivel action He-Man I wanted for Christmas when I was 7, I have wanted nothing more in my life than for Jerod Mayo to be a huge bust. It would please me greatly. You know another reason why Simmons is an ego filled piece of shit? He begins sentences with, "I speak for every Pats fan..." You don't, you piece of shit, you speak for you, and you think you speak for everyone else, but you don't. Some fans may have wanted Sedrick Ellis or another player in the draft, so you only speak for you. Shut up.

Two bandwagon fans of different teams speaking to one another, how wonderful. I am guessing Scott from Knoxville is a huge Peyton Manning fan, so he is a huge Colts fan, which pisses me off. Just a guess here but I think Scott is a tool. There is no Colts fan that also loves Bill Simmons unless they are a self loathing piece of shit. Oh, and I can tell Scott is a real piece of shit.

Hater-meter: 8. (just for all the "shits" I wrote)

Horn (Topeka, KS): Over three weeks have gone by, and I haven't heard a single mention of perhaps the greatest (definitely in recent memory) National Championship game. What gives, Simmons? I thought you were a basketball fan?

Bill Simmons: Sorry, I have had an insane schedule the past three weeks - had a question about that game that I was saving for the next mailbag, and also, I did mention the whole "microcosm" theory I had about that game in the last Links. So wait for the mailbag.

Simmonsologists also know that Bill HAS to be write about everything and he has predicted most things before they occurred. Please don't encourage him to talk about college basketball, it just annoys real college basketball fans. This is what his answer should have said to this question.

Bill Simmons: Sorry, I quit paying attention after my prediction of UCLA winning the title was incorrect, and I did not want to bring it up so no one would know that I was wrong and realize I know very little about the sport. Someone did email me about that recently. I want you to know though, I made up some shit bag theory and it turned out correct, so that is what we will focus on when I do answer the question.

Hater-meter: 9.

Eric (Catasauqua, PA): You're Chris Wallace, you get the second pick in the lottery and Beasley goes 1, who do you take at 2 with an already crowded backcourt in Memphis?

Bill Simmons: I think he should auction off the pick. Rose only played at Memphis for 5 months, it's not like he's a hometown hero or anything. They should be turning that pick into one blue-chipper and/or using it to get Brian Cardinal off their cap.

GM Simmons strikes again. Pretend you win a new home in a drawing from HGTV. The HGTV representative shows up at your door and says, "here is your new home." GM Simmons would say, "I already have this string of really shitty trailer parks, I don't need a new home, what we really need is money and a smaller home rather than the one you are going to give me for free." This is why he should not be a GM.

My point is this. Being a hometown hero has nothing to do with this pick, what DOES have to do with this pick is you need a great player in the draft to help turn your franchise around if you are Memphis. Is Derrick Rose the one for Memphis or not? That is the question.

I am not sure what Simmons means by turning the pick into a blue chipper, because Rose is a blue chipper. How about you sell all the shitty trailer parks you have and try to start over with a new home? I think that is a better idea.

Hater-meter: 5.

Mike (Indianapolis): How good do you think Eric Gordon can be in the NBA, and what lottery team do you think would be the best fit for him?

Bill Simmons: I don't totally see it with him - beautiful shot and not a lot of big-game production. best-case scenario, he finds the right team that gives him time and minutes to develop like Joe Johnson did on Phoenix. Worst-case scenario, he goes to the wrong team and gets asked to do too much too soon.

This exact same statement, outside of the Joe Johnson reference, could be said about every upper tier prospect in every major sport. So which lottery team is the best fit again Bill? Remember this is your area of expertise?

Simmonsologists know when you ask Bill a specific question that does not involve New England teams or specific NBA trades, you get generic responses. Example A is right here.

Hater-meter: 3.

Jason S. (Columbus, OH): After listening to the Jack-O podcast a couple weeks ago I am convinced that we need an MTV classic! Like you wouldn't watch old Real Worlds, Road Rules, Remote Control, who knows maybe they could even devote an hour a day to playing some classic videos! At the very least we could make Aaron and Dominiq from LA sweat a little bit, Dom might even turn to the bottle again!

Bill Simmons: I have been poushing for MTV Classic for years. No idea why it hasn't happened yet - between the Real World, all the Awards shows, all the goofy specials they had in the 80's (remember John Mellencamp giving away a pink house?) and everything else, they'd have enough content, right?

Fuck you Jack S from Columbus, OH, Bill thought of that idea first. No matter what you do or suggest, Bill has thought of the joke or the idea first, so he agrees but how does it taste to be second motherfucker? Like Bahstahn creem pieh? Here's a sample list of things Bill thought of first:

1. The internet.

2. Chanting MVP.

3. MTV Classic.

4. Gravity.

5. Bikinis

Hater-meter: 2.

Brian (DC): Am I the only Red Sox fan that thinks Ellsbury is remarkably overrated? Every Sox fan thinks this guy will hit .330 and steal 150 bases and the fact of the matter is he will never be as good as he was in the World Series.

Bill Simmons: HOW DARE YOU!?!?!?????

No, you are not the only Red Sox fan that thinks this. Brian from DC, you seem to have Simmonsitis, where you think you have the only team and fan base in the world. Here's a secret: Everyone else in the world agrees with you. Ellsbury is a 3 tool prospect, it has been douche bags like you and ESPN that have overhyped him since he got hot for three weeks in October.

Notice how Bill does not respond to this with any arguments or any analysis, even though you KNOW he disagrees and thinks Ellsbury is the best thing since the Gauntlet returned. You know why? Because a member of Red Sox Nation does not argue with another member of Red Sox Nation, that's why. It's in the new book, "Red Sox Nation: Or how mildly interested fans of the sport baseball all latched on to one team because their lives needed extra meaning and they have low self esteem...and the other team they liked sucked and they want to be winners."

Hater-meter: 3.

D, SC: It's hour 3 and still no draft talk? Thanks for helping me get through another work day.

Bill Simmons: ive been waitring for some quality Draft questions - where are they? This seems like a good time to mention that my Dad, who watches every BC game, is convinced that Matt Ryan will be a bust because "he throws it up for grabs too much" (Dad's words). He's never been wrong about a BC player, ever. Warrants mentioning.

I see where Bill gets the Simmonitis from now. First off, this did not warrant mentioning, because I am sure he has been wrong about one BC player. Since when does Simmons wait for quality questions too? He posted some comments these assholes were making about Clemens and the Mindy McCready situation throughout the chat with underage jokes included. Based on that I think quantity, not quality, is what he is looking for. Maybe there were no draft questions that dealt with the Pats and that is why he has not answered any of the questions. I remind you one more time, he knows nothing about any other team, except the Patriots. Based on this, quality questions are probably not the problem, but "questions he can answer" is the issue.

Hater-meter: 2.

Matt (Seattle): I find it hard to believe the Pops picked Mattie Hasselbeck to be a Pro Bowl QB. Was he right on him???

Bill Simmons: Yeah, he really liked Hasselbeck. I take it back though - he was wrong on a BC guy once... Billy Curley. But that wasn't Dad's fault, he was getting old and kept confusing the guy for Dave Cowens.

I call bullshit on this one. I don't think he liked Hasselbeck to point where he thought he would be Pro Bowl quarterback. What is it with the Simmons family where they have to be right ALL THE TIME? If not, they think of what I call "a horseshit excuse."

Curley was drafted in 1994 and Hasselbeck in 1998, but the reason his dad missed on Curley was that Old Man Simmons was old in 1994. Not so much older in 1998, but mostly 1994. Maybe Curley just ended up in a bad situation where he was not given consistent playing time or was asked to do too much too soon. See? That Eric Gordon analysis can be used for every prospect.

Hater-meter: 9.

Josh (Troy, AL): hey Bill, how did your football fantasy league go this past year? i read in one of your columns that you thought you may have had the chance to go undefeated, and didn't know if it had ever been done before. I myself was until the second to last week, the injuries and madness ensued... I was just wondering if you sealed the deal. Oh, and props to Leodis McKelvin going 11th overall, I thought your Pats were gonna get him....

Bill Simmons: Nah, I lost twice during the season - won the title though. It's impossible to go undefeated in a league with good owners. I am convinced.

Read Bill's response but imagine him wearing a cowboy hat and relaxing in a rocking chair in a slow southern accent. Too much fun, huh? I love how he did not choke when he lost in the league, there were just good owners. He is probably in a fantasy league with the best owners in the world who are the most competitive and know the most about sports. See, this is "a horseshit excuse."

Hater-meter: 6.

Mike (Chicago): did your dad have flutie becoming the pride of Canada?

Bill Simmons: The Simmons family still believes that Flutie could have been an NFL force had he skipped the USFL and landed on the right NFL team. Nobody really figured out how to use him until he went to Buffalo. Raymond Berry didn't have a clue - it was a chore for Berry to stand upright on the sidelines for 4 quarters.

A sentence full of "horseshit excuses." This is what Simmons uses when he is wrong. Let's count them:

1. "Flutie could have been an NFL force had he skipped the USFL..."

-Remember how you ripped Charles Barkley for mentioning Rasheed Wallace's potential? But Flutie did not skip the USFL, just like Rasheed Wallace is not the best player in the league.

2. "...if he landed on the right team."

-If any player lands on "the right team" he is going to be good. Just like some QB's are better fits for different systems, but others just have natural talent.

3. "Nobody really figured out how to use him until he went to Buffalo."

-what were the other coaches having him do, kick the ball downfield to his receivers or making him play linebacker? He was a QB, so they were having him do the things that a QB does, which is take a snap and hand the ball off or throw the ball to a receiver. If he is a good QB, then that is how you use him. What you really mean is "nobody really figured out how to use a QB that is a hobbit." There is a difference between figuring out how to use a QB and having to use only a third of the playbook because the QB has physical limitations. Generally you don't refer to QB's as a position you may have to figure how to use the player. Usually it is a player that is too short for QB but could not take the beating of the running back position or a defensive player that is a tweener between LB/DE or S/CB that you have to figure out how to use them. Flutie could only play QB, so I am not sure how much more there is to figure out.

4. "Raymond Berry didn't have a clue..."

-now it is the coaches fault? Berry was 48-39 and 3-2 in the playoffs in his coaching career, so to blame him seems pretty stupid. It seems like anytime Bill is running out of "horseshit excuses" he falls back on it being the coaches fault. Doc Rivers, Grady Little, etc.

Hater-meter: 10.

Matt (Pittsburgh): How is it remotely fair that the Patriots, coming off the first 16 win regular season in history, are awarded the easiest schedule in the last decade? Are you excited to go 16-0 again but lose in the playoffs?

Bill Simmons: I have to be honest - the Draft was the first time in 10 weeks that I've read or thought about the NFL for more than about 10 seconds. I was traumatized by SB 42. And still am. This season could start 18 months from now and I'd be fine with it. I'm not ready to go back.

Remember this comment when he writes his first "Back to back 16-0 seasons" column. This is why Bill does not have a comment section on his columns, he can never think of a comeback to anything his readers say. I bet it takes him two hours to come up with his jokes and they still suck. This guy calls out his favorite team and all Bill can do is whine about how sad it was they lost the perfect season in the Super Bowl.

What's with his fucking sulking on this issue? Why is he acting like the Patriots loss was so horrible? They only lost one game the entire year! My favorite team did not even make the playoffs, so feel bad for me instead. This is another reason why Boston teams are pieces of shit, because any time they lose a series or a game, they want sympathy from the rest of the world for their bad luck. They have not realized yet that everyone hates them.

Hater-meter: 10.

(Boston): Bill...Does SB43 rank as the biggest punch to the gut you've ever felt in your life?

Bill Simmons: Sports-related, it was No. 3 behind game 6 '86 World Series and Game 4 of the '87 NBA Finals. The thing about the Pats loss is that we had 3 full hours to say, "Uh-oh, this doesn't feel right, this doesn't feel right" so the final drive was a huge stomach punch, but my stomach muscles were already flexed, if that makes sense.

See? In each case, his team was in the championship game and lost. Maybe ten years ago you feel sympathy, but at this point when Boston sports teams have won 5 titles in 7 years, it is hard to feel bad. Oh, but they still want that sympathy, it is like crack cocaine for these pathetic losers. How do you like them apples?

Hater-meter: 10.

To wrap it up, how about one of my favorite Simmons characteristics. The "it happened to me and I was there, so it was the biggest event that has ever occurred" characteristic. Except he contradicts what he said earlier in the chat.

Oliver (Los Angeles): How can two players in Juan Pierre and Fatman Jones be so different, yet play the same position, and so grossly underachieve? The two of them combined make a average 80 million dollar player

Bill Simmons: They are really the Lennon and McCartney of Free Agent Busts. Every sports fan in LA is going crazy about how bad they are during the 3 minutes per day when they aren't complaining about how everyone hates Kobe.

Really Bill? Here's what you said earlier this chat:

Dan ( Stamford, CT): With Barry Zito being 0-6 and being demoted to the bullpen, does this officially give the Giants signing him the title of worst signing ever???

Bill Simmons: What's funny is that it had the title on the day they signed him. Although Mike Hampton's contract has to be 1B to Zito's 1A on that list.

Lack of consistency Bill is why no one likes you and you can't write a column that includes comments at the end. If Pierre and Jones are Lennon-McCartney, then are Hampton and Zito the Harrison-Starr of worst signings ever?

Pierre and Jones were just two bad signings and anyone who knows anything about baseball should know this. I watched Jones for the past 10 years and knew he was on his way down in skill, but up in weight. Pierre has been criticized for at least three years now for being an out machine. The Dodgers knew all of these things before they signed them, which is why they are stupid and you even bringing this up is stupid and you are stupid overall and I am stupid for reading your chat.

Hater-meter: 10.

Self hater-meter: 1,000.