You Know That Feeling When...

Why can't Bill Simmons just explain what he feels? If he thought he was having a heart attack he would tell the paramedics, "You know that feeling when you get when it is the bottom of the ninth and you just know your team is going to blow it and your chest gets tight? I think I have Calvin Schiraldi Syndrome." Hopefully the paramedics would then look at him like he is crazy and stop for coffee on the way to the hospital.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=3467732

In today's episode he gets Hugh Grant Syndrome. Whatever the hell that is. I think I have Daria Syndrome and I no longer care but just want to mock him. You remember Daria, don't pretend reader(s).

In the days following an improbable Celtics title, two questions have gnawed at me:
1. Have I peaked as a sports fan?
2. Am I headed for a Hugh/Divine moment?

This man is insufferable. They had the best record in basketball, I would not call that improbable. I can't believe these two questions have gnawed at him. I am already looking forward to how dramatic he will be when one of his parents gets ill and then he compares it some sporting event. He needs a priority re-check ASAP if these are his two biggest questions.

1. I don't know what this means, "peaking as a sports fan," but maybe you have peaked. Get a job.
2. Again, not sure exactly what this is, but if it is extreme confidence caused by your team being good, then I would say you reached that point four years ago after the Red Sox World Series win and you thought everyone gave a shit about you, your father's thoughts on anything, and any conversation you have with anyone that the reader does not know.

Remember, I'm a Sawx fan. I know what it's like to be tortured by your team. I know how it feels to spend hours and hours wondering, Why does God hate me so much?

Ah...the Red Sox fans achilles heel. They must be loved. They have to be loved. "We were just like you a few years ago, spending sleepless nights dreaming of ways to make our team's inability to win a World Series seem like a bigger deal than it was, thinking of new "curses" to reason through that would make me feel better, and trying to find a different bandwagon to jump on."

Maybe God hates you because you are a Red Sox fan.

He should try being an Atlanta Braves fan. We don't whine as our team wins 14 consecutive division championships and win one World Series. No one paints the team as "cursed," we are just a bunch of chokers who can't get the job done and everyone still hates us. Also you get to watch your team slowly disintegrate as management is too clueless to realize it. We don't whine, many just accept "injuries" as the reason our team is not good and not "injuries to players who could apply for Social Security" as the reason we need to overhaul the entire team. Try having a team that has a bunch of good young players to build around but they will continously waste them by attempting to not develop a good, young pitcher for 10 years. It rocks, you should try it.
You know who's silently nodding their heads right now? New York Giants fans. They know they'll never beat the experience of rooting for a double-digit underdog that improbably terminated a bid for a perfect season in the Super Bowl. Same goes for Jayhawks fans.

I know a New York Giants fan actually. A couple of them actually. Do you know how many of them have mentioned the Super Bowl win since March? Zero. I know this is a poll of my friends and means nothing, but this is the level I have to stoop to, in the effort to prove Simmons is a drama queen.

Also, college basketball bandwagoneer Simmons, Kansas was favored in that game if I am not wrong, but feel free to keep making shit up. They feel good their team won but they were not double digit underdogs nor was Memphis looking for a perfect season, so this reference really in no way applies.

For sports fans, winning a title after a prolonged wait is like falling for that first girlfriend. Win it in an especially memorable way, and that girlfriend is also the best girl you're ever going to meet.

He's like Al Sharpton for sports fans. He thinks he speaks for us all. Why can't he just type how he feels about winning a title and quit comparing it to shit. It's like he has to dumb it down for us all because no one would understand otherwise. Ego trip time! I don't remember my first girlfriend and my team did win a game or two in a memorable fashion and it had nothing to do with anything else except sports.

Actually, that was the initial idea for this column: my new list of sports dreams now that my three Boston teams have come through.

I will do this Stephen A. Smith style. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU AND YOUR SPORTS DREAMS! THERE ARE THREE REASONS SOMEONE WOULD READ YOUR COLUMN. FIRST, TO BE ENTERTAINED AND YOU QUIT DOING THAT A FEW YEARS AGO, SECOND, TO WRITE A BLOG THAT MOCKS YOU, AND FINALLY THEY MAY READ IT IF THEY ARE A BOSTON FAN JUST LIKE YOU!

I would bet at least a 1/10 of the hits on his columns are from individuals, like myself, who want to mock him in print or hate him.

Note: We'll define "turning into Hugh Grant" as not caring as much about sports anymore, becoming a sports bigamist or channeling that lost energy into becoming an overbearing sports father.

How sad is he? He is so desperate to create some sort of catchphrase that people who read his columns can speak back and forth to each other. This one is actually worse than any other because it is about Hugh Grant. His next column will begin with this heading:

"Dear Readers, Bill wants to be relevant, so please email him and give him his relevance on a scale of 1 to 10. Thank you."

My daughter swam for the first time last weekend, and I reacted like Tommy Lasorda after Kirk Gibson's home run.

Just say you were fucking happy she swam, don't compare it to anything.

Also, I need more updates on your daughter. Does she have your wife's eyes, your mom's hair and your inflated feeling of self worth? Please tell me more.

Realistically, you're getting to the mountaintop only once every 20 years or so, and that means the untoppable isn't likely to be topped during that span without the occurrence of a unique twist. You know, like last season's Patriots morphing into America's No. 1 villain. When the team blew—uh, lost—the Super Bowl, I thought I handled it reasonably well, even writing a coherent column for ESPN.com the following morning.

You were the villains because of comments like "blew-uh, lost-the Super Bowl." That is exactly the type of little bitch attitude that makes 95% of the world hate Boston fans. Every year when I blow out the candles on my birthday cake, I pray that when the fall comes, and it will come Simmons, no one reads your Death Cab For Cutie type columns about how hard your sports life has become. Boston fans have had a good run and that self righteous, cocky attitude about how you blow a game and never lose the game is going to be remembered.

I don't really get this worked up, but I feel like he is fucking with me. He mentions a twist to a season, acts as if he does not know how it happened and then displays a characteristic that shows ex-fucking-actly why they were the villain.

He was so awesome in that Deadspin goodbye to Will Leitch, what the hell happened that made him write this column? I believe he is truly out of material to write about. That's my theory.

And when you get it, you don't have to worry about ending up in a car with Divine Brown afterward.

He should be embarrassed he wrote this.