LeBron James Learns Rules of Basketball

I know when pretty much your entire job is reporting on international basketball, it is easy to develop an inflated sense of self importance. Yes, it's easy to rag on the NBA, the kids with the hip hop music, baggy pants, and I see you, proponents of international basketball, shaking your fists with contempt. But the fact is the NBA is better, regardless of the recent international results of the U.S.A. And it has been that fall from grace that has puzzled so many basketball enthusiasts.

And much of the explanation has fallen at the feet of the rules. FIBA rules. Trapezodial lanes, legal goaltending and everywhere shooters! Honestly, look here. It's essentially goaltending and the lane thing, everything else is incidental, this FIBA/NBA thing is blown way out of proportion, it's still fucking basketball. And all of this overthinking and trying to be clever about why the U.S. lost is missing the point; they were beaten by more committed teams who had played together longer. Anyway, it's with this rant in mind that I reference this delusional piece of reporting from Chris Sheridan.

LeBron shines against Turkey, morphs into FIBA player

morphs. Totally. Two major rule differences and an easier three point shot. Morphs, give me a break.

MACAU -- Five seconds into the game, LeBron James pulled off a defensive move that was four years in the making.

the Finals appearance, the 28 of the last 29 points against Detroit that time (the single greatest basketball thing I've ever seen), the first team all-NBA, the big wins, the tough losses, the interviews, the money, his child, the highlights, all pale in comparison to this opus that LeBron James finally revealed to us five seconds into this game in Macau. What was it you ask?

Turkey controlled the opening tip of Thursday's exhibition game -- Team USA's first match on foreign soil since the summer of 2006 -- and Ersan Ilyasova went straight to the basket and put up a soft shot that bounced off the rim and was headed straight through the hoop.

It appeared it was about to be 2-0 deficit for the United States, but that wasn't to be.

The reason?

James timed his leap perfectly and snatched the ball right as it was entering the cylinder -- a goaltending violation in the NBA, but not under FIBA rules, in which the ball is fair game once it hits the rim.

there's nowhere for James to go but down now, he has peaked too early, he is truly the Dakota Fanning of our age.

"Even some of the guys on Turkey were calling for a goaltend, but it was legal," James said. "I've been playing FIBA ball for four years now, so I kind of know the rules."

that's a bit disingenuous now LeBron isn't it? You have played sparodically over those four years and 90% of your activity has been in the NBA, let's not pretend you have forsaken your NBA career to go play in Italy or something.

American players have historically had trouble adjusting to the FIBA rule that allows defensive players to swat the ball off the rim once it has touched the cylinder because their muscle memories are so conditioned to leave the ball alone. James, however, made it look as though he'd been making that play all his life.

the sixth in 2002 World Championships, the bronzes in Athens and Japan, all due to goaltending - little known fact. Had they adjusted to this rule, the U.S. would have won every game it's played by at least 30 points.

"I was getting back to get in rebound position, but once I saw it hit the rim and saw I had a chance to go get it, I just used my reaction time," said James, who was held out of the Americans' pre-Olympic opener against Canada last week in Las Vegas with a sprained ankle.

LeBron James - now capable of "using time" to meet his needs. Soon the wind and rain will bend to his whim.

On Turkey's next possession, James ripped the ball out of Engin Atsur's hands and was immediately hacked, a clear path foul (in FIBA, they call it an "unsportsmanlike foul") that gave James two free throws and allowed the Americans to retain possession.

what is this "unsportsmanlike foul"? Is that even English? Did this take place on the moon? Thank God you're here, Chris, to navigate the way through this forest of confusion known as "FIBA basketball", what would we do without you?

"They had great technique, great effort, and defensively they were much better than the World Championship team of two years ago, and they are definitely in better shape than they were two years ago, and they use a team system -- not a star system," said Turkish coach Bogdan Tanjevic...

not mentioned - anything regarding rules or LeBron's "four years in the making, revolutionary,making the world's axis invert" goaltend.

Lithuania is also the next opponent for the Americans, on Friday (8 a.m. ET, ESPN2, ESPN360.com), providing Team USA with a much tougher test of whether it can impose its will and style of play against an opponent much more seasoned than Turkey. Turkey had a disastrous EuroBasket last summer and failed to qualify for the Olympics.

It'll be the only time this summer that the Americans play on back-to-back nights, and they may finally get to see someone throw a zone defense at them for more than a few possessions after Canada and Turkey both played them straight up for all but a few brief moments.

Then again, Lithuania may not want to show its cards in a game that's more or less meaningless, and it'd happily walk away with a 32-point loss of its own if it felt it might give the Americans an inflated sense of self-confidence heading into Beijing.

there are so many ways to make fun of this I don't know where to start. Yes Chris, Lithuania will intentionally play poorly to trick the Americans. Oh it's so fiendish! Can you imagine the huddle? "Gentleman, the plan is to play poorly tonight, lose by 32 points, and then the Americans will be so full of self confidence that we will be able to beat them easily in the Olympics. It's the famous "lose to win" strategy, employed by the Memphis Grizzlies this year. And then the doomsday device will be ours! HAHAHAHA!"

Again, give me a fucking break. Lithuania wants to win. White athletes are talented. Black athletes work really hard. Being talented in a sport is an advantage, not a disadvantage. Adam Dunn is better than David Eckstein. The world is round. 2+2=4.Honestly, it's like talking to planks of wood sometimes.

"Speed and quickness are our best assets, and it'll be a question of can we do our best things better than they can do theirs? That'll be the story of all our games," said coach Mike Krzyzewski, who sat alongside James at the post-game news conference.

not mentioned - rules.

(We'd be remiss if we didn't mention that James wore a red-brimmed New York Yankees hat to the press conference, placing it on the table in front of him before the questions began. "I got it in New York City," he told ESPN.com.)

remiss? It'd be downright unethical Chris, you should be ashamed you even thought of not exposing this in full. I have half a mind to take you to court, because I need to know what shirt he wore, shoes, what he had for lunch, all of this I demand now you lying bastard. I don't want the trivial details of "the game" or "strategy" or "analysis", I want to know what hat Dwayne Wade wore and I want to know right this instant.

For now, the Americans are feeling super positive as they near the end of their second week together, with one of the more surprising aspects being how James has assumed a leadership role on a team in which he is still one of the youngest players.

they're super positive you guys. OMG they are so freakin' hyped. This is like, totally the biggest thing ever. It roxorz.

James mentioned afterward how the Americans are beginning to come to grips with the fact that they aren't going to be able to put anybody away in the first quarter but should be able to use the second and third quarters to steadily pull ahead.

That's what got the job done for them against Turkey, but it all started when James practically reached into the net to snatch away the first shot attempt of the game -- a FIBA play by a guy who is showing how much he has turned into a FIBA player over the course of the past four years.

it will forever live on in the memory of all privelidged enough to see it. Much like the moon landing, we will all remember where we were when LeBron James made a rather athletic defensive play in a meaningless blow out against Turkey. Emotional stuff.