Tiger Woods Not Retiring Involves Brett Farve Somehow

Been kinda slow on teh interwebs of late. Not brimming with the usual shitheap of terrible analysis, I suppose I could do a Farve post, but you don't want that, I don't want that, and Ringo here definately doesn't want that. So under such harsh conditions, the habitat of the hater (moi) shrinks to claustophobic proportions. Thankfully, a slow news day here at Bottom of the Barrel also coincides with what must be the grandmother of all slow news days at ESPN, and in particular, the weird and wonderful world of ESPN Radio.

I have never listened to ESPN Radio, but I am very glad the news feeds were keeping tabs of a particulary redundant interview between Tiger Woods and Scott van Pelt. This is the very definition to the answer to a question no one was asking. It's the sports journalism equivalent of some schoolkid standing up in class and saying "my Daddy beats me unless I let him watch me pee". I have equal parts reaction of "um...ok?" and "what the fuck???".

Woods says he'll retire when he can no longer compete

told you it was weird.

Tiger Woods says he'll know when it's time to walk away from golf.

he's already one up on Brett Farve (topical! Look, I have to say something about it, how could I not comment, even just a periphery comment. Alright. There is no excuse. I'm sorry).

"I won't have a problem with that," he said Tuesday in an interview on The Scott Van Pelt Show on ESPN Radio. "When I get to a point where my best is not good enough anymore, as I prepare and I practice and I get ready, and I know if I go out there and play the way I know I can play and it's just not good enough anymore, my skills have diminished that far, it's time for me to move on, rack the cue and go home."

o...k? Of the last 13 majors he has taken part, he's won six. Let that sink in for a second, in, what, 164 man fields, he's won nearly half of the tournaments. That makes him, statistically, in that sample size, some astronomical number I can't even begin to fathom, better than the average golfer, even better than say, Harrington, who I think is second with two. Well, the number would be three, three times better, but still - big. Well small in counting number terms but you know what I mean.

Oh yes, I'm a professional.

Anyway, Woods should have been like "if my skills diminish THAT FAR, that I'm only as good as like, Adam Scott, not only will I retire but I will crush my own hand deliberately in an industrial accident. I will be that disgusted at myself. The level of decline I would have to endure to be that bad will just make me want to vomit. So yeah, when I can't win 45% of the majors I compete in, it will be time to hang up the towel."

See, this is why they say he's not quotable.

Woods, who had reconstructive knee surgery the week after his U.S. Open win at Torrey Pines in June, was asked about retirement in the wake of Brett Favre's situation in Green Bay.

no way. No fucking way. Where are the cameras. Is this a joke? Like, I knew they were all up in Brett Farve's crevices but this is in full on 15 year old emo girl obsession with cutting herself level (edgy!). What the fuck, seriously, someone comment and help me out, does Tiger Woods retiring due to reconstructive knee surgery have to do with Brett Favre unretiring and being traded.

If you were desperate to talk about retirement with Woods (and frankly, if I were into golf like Scott van Pelt is, or seems to be, I'd be skirting the issue at every given opportunity and hope he just like, forgets to or something, that sport has become a parasite on Woods, it's kinda remarkable) then wouldn't you bring up Greg Norman's extraordinary display at the British Open? Wouldn't you ask what he'll do after he passes Nicklaus' record? I dunno, ask what would happen if hre lost a limb? Anything would be better than this. It's almost to the point where the interview would be like, I dunno...

Scott van Pelt: Tiger, great to see you as always.
Tiger Woods: Nice to be here Scott.
Scott van Pelt: So you're out for the year, how's the knee rehabbing?
Tiger Woods: Wel-
Scott van Pelt: Do you like Brett Farve? I think he's hot. Do you think he's hot? Cathy totally thinks he's hot, she saw him with his top off one time and OH MY GOD! I think he's totally hotter than Colin Farrell*!

He said individual sports are different from team sports when it comes to hanging it up.

saving van Pelt from the embarrassment of having to explain the difference between golf and American football - classy.

"In an individual sport, when your skills have diminished, you have no one for backup," Woods told Van Pelt. "That's one of the reasons why I truly admire what [tennis player] Pete Sampras did. He won the U.S. Open and he was done."

kind of a weird thing to admire Sampras for, seeing as he won like a billion^ Wimbeldon's in a row but I guess I'm compelled to just go with it at this point.

As for coming back to golf...

right! Right! Golf! I knew there was a reason I was writing this news feed!

Is this Steve Phillips? Come on, 'fess up...

Woods said he is riding a stationary bike as part of his rehabilitation from his knee injury. He didn't set a timetable for his return, but said, "It's getting better. I'm finally able to start doing some rehab, start moving this thing around. It's been nice to be active again."

Woods told Van Pelt he didn't watch much of the British Open, only saw highlights of the Bridgestone Invitational last weekend (an event Woods has won six times) and he likely won't sit down to watch the PGA Championship this week.

"I probably won't watch any of this one," he said. "This one's a little more frustrating for me. I'm two-time defending [champion] and not being able to get out there and defend something I've already defended once and can't do it twice, it's a little bit frustrating."

it's all boringly fine, generic and normal from there, but yeah...seriously, are we going to see Matthew Phelps, having just won his eighth gold in Beijing in a week asked if he thinks Brett Farve is a lock to retire after this year? I mean even for ESPN there has to be a limit, right?












right?

*Colin Farrell may actually not be hot at all, I have no idea who teenage girls and Scott van Pelt stereotypically fawn over

^Number may not actually be a billion