Bill Simmons: Still Is a Prick, Boston-centric, and An Overall Idiot...but More Importantly He is Back!

The last 10 weeks have been the loneliest, saddest time of my shitty blogging career. What are the odds the first year I start my own blog my favorite target, Bill Simmons, takes 10 weeks off to do whatever it is he is does in his spare time? I was hoping he had spent the time studying other teams in the NFL, MLB, and the NBA so he could talk intelligently about them or possibly come up with some updated material, but that may be way too much to ask. I have spent the weeks counting down the days to NFL season beginning and ripping pages off my Dave Barry calendar because I wanted to read and critique one of his crappy columns. Well, football is here!

Simmons is back!

I started making trips to Vegas in 1996, the same year "Swingers" came out, back when every 48-hour blackjack binge felt like walking a financial tightrope with Philippe Petit. These were the days of Rio's $10 buffets, cross-country flights with two connections and four buddies crammed in the same room that smelled like one giant fart by Sunday morning.

I guess that answers the whole "does he have new material" question. We just got memories from him about 1996 and the movie Swingers. I bet he tells the same stories over and over at parties until everyone is forced to "see" someone else they know and don't want to be "rude" so they have to go speak with that person, leaving Bill alone with his coke and rum to find someone else to annoy.

Instead of a traditional eight-deck shoe in which the dealer shuffled cards every 15 minutes, these tables had the dealer feeding spent cards from every hand into that contraption, which then spat out fresh cards for the next hand. The shuffle had been eliminated. So had shuffle breaks. You just grinded out hand after hand after hand.

If anyone who reads this likes gambling, enjoy the previous paragraph because I hate gambling and am going to ignore the first 20% of this column because I could seriously not give a shit about how Vegas was back in 1996, you know, when Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau were not fat.

I don't gamble. In my neighborhood growing up, going outside without a bullet proof vest was gambling.

Ba-da-boom!

There were no runs. Each hand had no correlation to the last one. We lost money. We kept losing money. One of us (OK, it was me) joked that Mandalay should put a picture of Ned Beatty in "Deliverance" on its chips.

...and no one laughed. 10 weeks to work on this NFL preview remember. Not 9 or even 8, but 10 weeks and we have flashbacks to 1996, gambling, Swingers and Ned Beatty references already. This should worry his editor.

The casinos eventually did the math and realized they were losing money because people weren't losing enough money at the new-school tables. Now you see four times as many old-school tables as new-school tables. I don't think the Palms even has a single one.

The only thing more boring than watching gambling is to read about it. If I were a judge, I would be telling the lawyer Billy Simmons to get to the point or I am going to end this column right here.

He would follow it up with a Burt Reynolds joke.

In this year's "Pro Football Prospectus," the boys tried to figure out if the Giants were the most improbable Super Bowl champion ever, creating a Pythagorean formula for expected/actual results that made my nose bleed when I tried to comprehend it. In the end, they determined that the '08 Giants were the luckiest champion ever.

The Patriots lost the Super Bowl on February of this year. Bill Simmons is still bitter about it and is determined to prove it was all luck. I wonder if anyone has run the numbers on the 2004 Red Sox team being the luckiest champion ever, or when he later mentions 5 of the luckiest champions ever have come in the past 10 years he thinks about the Patriots are probably on the list three times? He would not be interested in this information because it does not pertain to what he is going on and on about...which is how lucky those damn Giants were.

Click on the link to the book and you get three reviews from:

1. The Boston Globe- obviously Boston based
2. Bill Simmons- ditto
3. Peter King- ditto

...I am sure it is a great book but I can't help but notice the three expert reviews came from those who work and live in the same area of the world. I am sure it is a great book though...I am lying.

You know what that tells me?

You need to quit being a whiny bitch and give it up, they lost.

Predicting the 21st-century NFL is like gambling for 12 straight hours against the ugly black contraption -- you can do it, but you're almost certain to lose.

Always with the comparing things that are not related to each other. 10 weeks. That is how long he had to think of an analogy he has not used 100 times before. Can't he just say, "it is dumb to think you may be correct when predicting the NFL and difficult to do as well"?

I probably should have been fired for that, or at the very least, overruled on having Barack Obama on my podcast.

What a rebel! He really slipped that one through. Those ESPN bitches are going to really pay for making Billy Simmons not get what he wants...I hope they fire him.

I bet he did want Barack Obama on his podcast...if you know what I mean...which you do...maybe.

Prediction No. 1: The "Hard Knocks" will not strike the Cowboys.

10 weeks and the first prediction is a bad pun.

Only one things worries me: Tony Romo spent a lot of time with Jessica Simpson these past eight months.

I am actually with him on this one. This is a major issue because she is annoying and untalented and this has to rub off on him at some point.

If he starts staying on the field for fifth downs or calling six timeouts per half, I am bailing on this Dallas prediction.

Actually you will probably bail at the first sign of trouble because that is just how you are. Remember your re-introduction to hockey this spring? I do.

Prediction No. 2: Marvin Lewis will either quit or resign before the first week of the playoffs.

He would be stupid not to, so again, I agree. Wow, maybe Bill really has changed!

Bill Simmons, though a huge Boston homer and an overall moron, really does serve a purpose to society.

Prediction No. 3: Everyone will hail Chicago's yearly attempt to breathe life into a passing game that hasn't shown life since the Willie Gault era.

Whoops, I spoke way too soon. After this, he compares Chicago to a new house where you only decorate a couple rooms well and leave the rest looking like shit, and says this is what Chicago did with their receivers. I just wanted to save you 30 seconds and your eyes from his inability to just say something, and not compare it to something else completely unrelated.

If Chicago's defense, running game and special teams can carry them like in 2006, maybe the Bears could play four straight months of ugly, low-scoring games and eke out a 10-6 record or something.

That would be a good thing, so I am not sure if he is knocking this or not.

I am wondering if this would be preferable to Chicago winning all of their games until they lose the Super Bowl to the luckiest team ever? Can I get a ruling on that, Bill?

Bill is ignoring me.

(Would I bet on this? Of course not! Not in a million years! But splurging on the likes of Chad Pennington, Berrian and Donte' Stallworth wouldn't have changed anything other than hurting their cap in 2010. You have to admit.)

I am going to go ahead and say that would have changed a few things and if they were not stupid, would not have negatively affected the salary cap in 2010---why should they care about 2010?---so I am not going to admit this. You are wrong.

Also, their two biggest offseason moves were fundamentally illogical: Trading for Shaun Rogers and keeping Derek Anderson.

GM Bill Simmons just said it was illogical to resign your starting QB and to trade a second round pick for a potentially highly motivated fat ass who can stop the run. I don't know what to say, except this is illogical to say.

In the salary-cap era, you can't keep Anderson (who had two good months and tailed off) after dealing a future No. 1 and committing all that money to Brady Quinn. It's like drafting QBs in the first two rounds of a fantasy draft -- yeah, you can do it, but it never works.

OMFG, enough with the comparing things. Just say it, don't compare it.

So they should not resign their starting QB who was a Pro Bowler and let Brady Quinn run the team? If anyone who reads this blog can explain to me, even if Anderson tailed off last year, how this is beneficial to the Browns, I will send you my It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia Season 1 DVDs...I am lying again.

Why not trade Anderson for two draft picks and back the guy who you loved so much a year before?

Because the other teams would never have given two draft picks realizing the Browns have absolutely zero leverage. (See: Moss, Randy) Also, the Browns should not set the team back two years, to 2010, simply because they don't want to admit they were wrong. Here's another idea Bill Simmons is not capable of thinking about:

Maybe the Browns are not sold on Anderson, just like Simmons is not, and want to make sure they have a good backup in case Anderson starts throwing interceptions or in case of an injury. Not everyone can be as lucky as the Patriots and have the starting QB for every game, every year.

This is why I do not like this man's writing. He tries to play GM, is incredibly wrong, then sits back with a smirk on his face thinking about what a great point he just made. Then there are no comments available so no one can curse at him and tell him he is wrong. It is so frustrating and I am forced to spend ten minutes typing and all of a sudden I feel better, like I have made my point really clear to him.

Prediction No. 5: By November, you'll be reading articles about the NFL potentially realigning its divisions in 2009 and/or adjusting the scheduling formula.

(Ducking something out of left field) What is this? An original thought?

How could the Patriots finish 16-0 and have the easiest NFL schedule in 2008? Well, they were guaranteed home-and-aways in a weak AFC East (Bills, Dolphins, Jets), then they randomly drew the lousy AFC West (Raiders, Chiefs, Broncos) and lousier NFC West (Niners, Cards, Rams) …

(Cue the sounds of a parade beginning and sirens going off, the world does not know whether to celebrate or fear the end of the world because Bill Simmons just admitted the Patriots have a weak division.)

Though he is still so self centered, the only reason this came up in his brain is because he was thinking about how awesome his favorite team is.

Prediction No. 6: The Colts will barely make the playoffs.

they'll run the rest of the slate, finish 10-6, grab the sixth wild-card spot and immediately become "The First-Round Team Nobody Wants To Play." Sometimes this is too easy.

Sadly, I wish I could deny this, but I agree with him. It hurts to say it...I am not kidding, I am bleeding right now from my nose and elbow (that can't be healthy), it's best if I just move on.

Prediction No. 7: Minnesota will not make the playoffs

Bill Simmons reads this blog! I agree with this also. Now for the eerie of all eerie, I read this next passage, laughed and wished it would be a movie. Hell has frozen over and the end of the world is really, really coming.

Random tangent: Lauren, Lo and Audrina from "The Hills" moved to this same street last year and nearly destroyed the Irony Scale as we knew it. With the exception of Spencer and Heidi, have any three real-life celebs ever been more in Michael Myers' wheelhouse? I vote for another "Halloween" remake in which Myers becomes famous from the previous killings and lands on "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew," escapes (but not before brutally murdering Mary Carey and Jeff Conaway), immediately goes to Don Antonio's to kill Spencer and Heidi, then follows Lauren and her friends around Hollywood for a night of club-hopping, finally going back to their street at 2 a.m. to kill Audrina and Justin Bobby as they're hooking up in Audrina's guest house, then Lo as she's plowing into a carton of ice cream in the kitchen, culminating in a 30-minute sequence in which he tries to kill L.C. and repeatedly fails until Dr. Drew shoots him down in the final scene. By the way, I would absolutely watch this movie. I won't apologize, either. Back to the column

I am not apologizing for laughing at this and the idea of Lo plowing into a carton of ice cream just makes me laugh. Let's recap what just happened:

1. I agreed with Bill Simmons on several of his predictions
2. Bill Simmons admitted the Patriots have an easy schedule
3. Bill Simmons wrote an extensive passage detailing a fake situation, that usually annoy me and cause me to think of smart ass comments, but instead I laughed and wanted to watch the movie he was pitching.

This will not last, so don't worry my dear reader(s). All this happiness will end very soon.

Throw in the potential of a sophomore jinx with Adrian Peterson and that's enough for me.

I agree with him on this as well. I wanted to write this so when it happens someone in the world will believe me.

Prediction No. 8: Green Bay will win the NFC North by three games.

Because you can win 11 or 12 games with a below-average QB as long as his supporting cast is really good.

So he thinks Green Bay could go 11-5 or 12-4 because they have a good supporting cast. The Chicago Bears play in the same division and have a good supporting cast for Kyle Orton, so they should win 11-12 games too right? Bill says, "no, they will win 7-8 games maximum," and why does he say this? Because he lacks some sort of intelligence that allows him to make contradicting statements less than three sentences apart.

They just won a Super Bowl in which they toppled an 18-0 team after its quarterback, who famously turtled any time he felt pressure during his entire career, somehow broke away from two potential sacks, bought himself two extra seconds while his offensive line committed a variety of holding infractions that the NFL keeps forgetting to digitally erase from the replay,

He's talking about the Giants again. Seriously, drop the bitterness. They lost!

Prediction No. 11: The Patriots will not make the Super Bowl.

Anyone who regularly suffers through his columns knows he is not predicting them to win the Super Bowl so he does not jinx them. He probably thinks they will win the Super Bowl. This is blatantly stupid to think he can affect a game so much by making a prediction...but it is also Bill Simmons' way.

I have to go save a child from a burning building now.

My Dad disagrees.

He disagrees? Screw the burning building child, I need to know more about this situation where you disagree with your father. Tell me more!

I pointed out that the playoffs won't be so easy. He said I was a fair-weather fan and needed to move back home.

I was being sarcastic but you are a fair weather fan sometimes. Remember the Bruins and the hockey playoffs this year? We still remember.

Plus, what are the residual emotional effects from last season? Is Brady healthy? Will they wear down from being America's villain for the second straight year? I kept waiting for signs of life from the preseason … anything … just a glimmer. Nothing.

I realize you are trying not to jinx your favorite team but I can answer these questions pretty easily.

I don't know what type of emotional effects you would be talking about, psychology does not have that much to do with sports, contrary to your belief system.

Tom Brady has always been healthy and even if he is not, that is why you have a backup QB right? If Brady is not healthy, I can see the whining that will ensue based on this fact from Bill Simmons, as if the injury to his QB is the worst injury that has ever occurred and is something the team can never survive. That's why you have backups and if you are not good enough to win with a second string player or two, then the team is not very good anyway. Besides Brady is the QB simply because of an injury. (Edit: I meant the injury to Bledsoe in 2001) Who knows? Maybe Matt Guitterrreezzz or Matt Cassell are going to be good?

I am currently snickering to myself and hoping Brady gets injured. I can live through the whining but I will love to see the genius Belichick without a great QB, when he will not be such a genius anymore.

Why would he wear down from being America's villain? He was not Amercia's villain, it was the coach that cheated that was the villain. Is America's hatred the only kryptonite for Tom Brady or something?

If you are waiting for sign of life, you have to remember Tom Brady played zero snaps and it was preseason, so hold the white flag waving for a few days.

Prediction No. 12: Dallas and Jacksonville for Super Bowl XLIII …… with the Jaguars winning, 31-24.

It is really creepy I think of Jacksonville so highly and so does Bill Simmons. Maybe we are just so much alike and that is why I don't like him. Or maybe, we are both idiots.

With that said, everyone keeps worrying about Joe Flacco making the leap from Division I-AA. Look, this guy has dealt with bigger challenges. Have you ever been to Delaware? The entire state smells like somebody tipped over a port-a-john. If you can become a stud quarterback at Delaware fighting that smell for four years, you can do anything.

I just wanted to remind everyone this is how the most widely read "sports columnist" on the most widely read sports web site makes player personnel decisions in his head. If this were true, then we could bring the greatest football player at Arayranka University, which is located in the poor African village, Corantzo, over to America and he would be an All Pro.

DOLPHINS (+3) over Jets
Just remember, Pennington knows the Jets' entire playbook and the strengths and weaknesses of every player on the team. I see him picking the Jets apart with a variety of wounded ducks, lob passes and pseudo-bombs that die in mid-air.

Earlier in the column Bill predicted the Jets would go 11-5 for the year, which means they will go 11-4 for the rest of the year after this loss, with two of those losses coming against the Patriots, so that makes them 11-2 against the rest of the NFL. I will let you decide if that is going to happen.

Panthers (+9) over CHARGERS
Jake Delhomme, Tommy John surgery, feeling no pain for the first time in four years … I'm in! Say no more.

I am going to throw up.

(Speaking of names, here's my goal for the Chad Ocho Cinco era: The Bengals trade him to a team that already has an established No. 85. Ocho Cinco keeps offering the guy money for his jersey. The guy keeps saying no. Eventually a bitter Ocho Cinco has to either offer him like $500,000, or wear Ocho Seis or Ocho Quatro for the season. Please, Lord, let this happen.)

Dammit, he did it again. He told a story that I laughed at and would like to see happen. I guess after taking 10 weeks off, he can come up with a couple amusing things to say. I have never said Bill Simmons was not amusing.

I have said he is annoying, over confident, thinks he can read people's minds, doesn't understand how a GM for a team does his job, thinks he can cause jinxes but will deny it and act like you are a moron if you bring this up in a chat, knows nothing about other teams except his Boston teams, believes too much in team unity having an effect on the overall team, his wife is a better writer, is a wimp for not opening up his comments, and overall it is pathetic he is the #1 read columnist on the #1 most read sports web site.

This has all not changed and I hope it does not change. Me laughing at anything Bill Simmons says is a cause for concern. He is obviously still an idiot and does not know what he is talking about. I hope he does not quit talking about stories that happened 10 years ago, comparing things instead of just describing them, and being a homer. If he stops doing all this, I will have to find a new target. I am too lazy for that.