Unfortunately Even the Government Can Not Bail Us Out From Bill Simmons

Let's just dive right in. It is easier that way.

For instance, if I were that creepy double-faced lady from the airline commercial, one face would look depressed (because my beloved Pats had their Super Bowl hopes crippled in eight minutes),

More analogies Bill, I really don't get what you mean. Please compare how you will feel to something else so I can better understand. Right now, I am like the wife from the Sonic fast food commercials, just confused as to what you will come up with next.

"Super Bowl hopes crippled in eight minutes..." I certainly hope Bill did not get injured flailing his body off of the Patriots bandwagon. That was quick and easy. Show some hope, it is an election year.

Has anyone ever heard of a backup QB? They actually can be used in lieu of your starting QB being injured, and if you get a good one, he can win ball games.

Matty Iccccccccccccceee.........

... 12 teams are thinking, "We can absolutely make the Super Bowl."

After three games in the NFL season, Bill already has twenty teams thinking they can not make the Super Bowl. It seems as if he has jumped off everyone in football's bandwagon. I think he actually believes the football season did get cancelled after Week One.

I am going to go ahead and ruin the surprise...the Patriots are among the 12 teams who Bill is claiming are thinking they can make the Super Bowl.

11. New England Patriots

I am speechless at his inability to proofread his own columns. He thinks their hopes have been dashed for the Super Bowl personally, but he uses his special "Simmons-scope" to look into the Patriots player's heads and know they think they can still make the Super Bowl. Thank God for technology, without it Bill Simmons could not contradict himself.

With the Patriots and Colts falling back to the pack, we're headed for the most wide-open NFL season since 2002,

Also thank God they both fell back to the pack, otherwise the NFL season would have been sooooooooooooooooooooo boring. The Patriots and Colts would have just faced each other in the Super Bowl and the Patriots would have won it. I am glad that did not happen. See, even when Tom Brady does not play, he still gives gifts of joy to the world.

Without further ado, the Playtex Power Poll for Week 4:

No, he did not! He is so wrong...but still clever! Is he 38 or 18?

Well the rest of this column is the CoverGirl Mocking of Bill Simmons then!

32. St. Louis Rams

Is there a more frightening scenario than poor Trent Green starting behind a porous Rams offensive line? At the very least, he should be forced to play with a special helmet like the one Gazoo wore on "The Flintstones." Meanwhile, Eddie in Greensboro, N.C., sends along the 2008 Rams team photo.

A Flintstones reference? Going way, way back, but it is retro so I can give him some credit.

Eddie in Greensboro, NC is contributing stupid shit to Bill Simmons? He lives in the same town as me. I have already requested Eddie's last name from Simmons. Let's just say, he will not be contributing any more jokes to Bill Simmons for a while.

30. Detroit Lions
Matt Millen's firing might have broken the record for "most movie analogies from a euphoric fan base landing in my mailbox in a 48-hour span." I liked these two a lot:

This is why I have to silence people like Eddie from Greensboro, NC. He is part of the Simmons Gang, which is a group of white males from the age 17-25 who write to Simmons and form a co-dependent relationship to him. They think they are cool because they write like an ESPN columnist and he thinks he is cool because young people like him. I think they both suck and write about it angrily.

29. Cleveland Browns

The league didn't just catch up with Derek Anderson; it trampled him from behind like the bulls in Pamplona.

It wrecked him like that Hurricane Ike just wrecked the coast of Texas.

It destroyed him like Tonya from the Real World destroys Kit-Kats.

The league rode him out of there like Spencer rode Heidi's sister out of the house they all shared.

You get the point.....

As the trash-talking e-mails from Dolphins fans came pouring in Sunday, I laughed the same way someone from Goldman Sachs would laugh after getting a ball-busting e-mail from one of the custodians at Lehman Brothers.

Matty Iccccccccccccccceeeeeeee.

Why would a custodian at Lehman Brothers email someone from Goldman Sachs. I am assuming custodians do not have an email address?...................Hmmmm.................I wonder..................

Oh yeah! Bill Simmons is being an arrogrant prick again. I want to clear up the fact I don't dislike Patriot fans overall. I dislike Bill Simmons and he thinks he speaks for Patriots fans.

(Speaking of fake All-Star teams, JW in Pembroke, N.H., has a solution for my "Anthony Gonzalez All-Stars or Jeff Garcia All-Stars?" question from last week's column: "Any All-Star team devoted to guys with Latino names who don't look remotely Latino should be called the Emilio Estevez All-Stars." Done and done.)

Is this something fun to do, like paintball, that I just never caught on to? Making up fake team names?

21. Atlanta Falcons

I'd feel a little better if their two victories hadn't come against Nos. 31 and 30 on this list. Still, your average Falcons fan is like a broke college student who went to a casino with $100 to gamble, turned it into $300 in 20 minutes, put a $100 chip in his pocket, shrugged his shoulders and said, "Whatever happens from now on, worst-case scenario, I'm breaking even."

The Falcons are like that person playing with house money at the casino who is sitting at the table alone, all of his friends have left him, his eyes are half shut in a drunken stupor, but he knows at worst he breaks even.

Quit comparing things to other things! Stop it! Say what you mean!

Can't he say, "your average Falcons fan knows the team has already met expectations for the year, so it may be all downhill from here, but they have nothing to lose now." Is that hard?

(Your fantasy sleeper for this week? Brandon Lloyd. I know, I know -- we've been here before. But they threw to him constantly during that Bucs game and he made a number of impossible catches. Remember, when you catch six balls for 124 yards and a touchdown with Orton throwing to you, that's like catching 14 balls for 225 yards and three TDs with a real quarterback.)

Brandon Lloyd is also injured and has Kyle Orton throwing to him, don't take Bill's advice.

Of course, you may not want to take my advice. I spent the entire day of Sunday thinking I had benched Ronnie Brown and I had actually forgotten to do so. Basically I am a moron, but got lucky. I still lost in that league..........

To recap: Bill Belichick's theory that everyone on a football team can be replaced at any time is absolutely true ... as long as you're not replacing Tom Brady with Matt Cassel.

Back up QB. Should have found one earlier than right now. I must stop saying this. I am actually annoying myself now.


Whether you loved the 2007 Pats or despised them with every fiber in your body, you have to admit, you weren't turning the channel when they were on offense. Now you do. Alas.

False. I watched one game last year and that was the Super Bowl. Just because you love them does not mean anyone else was overly impressed with them last year...though it really was impressive...but I still did not watch the games.

So is Green Bay worse than we thought, or is Dallas better than we thought? There's no way to know.


Dallas is better than Green Bay. They played a game against each other and Dallas won that game, so this is actually easy to know. I love answering easy questions.

"Just curious -- when the SuperSonics were being ripped from Seattle, you dedicated several columns to the topic. Now that the same thing is happening to the Bills, your reaction is the complete opposite. Not only are you NOT outraged, you seem to derive pleasure from rubbing salt in my wounds. You don't mention the Bills without mentioning the possible move to Toronto and are tainting an otherwise exciting season for lifelong Bills fans like myself who have been waiting for the glory years of the early '90s to return. What do you have against the good people of Buffalo? Haven't we suffered enough?"
All good points. My initial response is that when Vincent Gallo is your city's signature celebrity, maybe you shouldn't have an NFL team.

When I hear the Buffalo Bills I immediately think Jim Kelly and the Bills teams that went to four straight Super Bowls and lost.


I would also say the signature celebrity for Buffalo is Tim Russert. Maybe it is just me but I never watched a single show he did and I seem to know what a huge fan he was of the Bills. I am not sure how Bill came up with Vincent Gallo.


it's unclear if Buffalo can support the Bills.


I realize the Patriots have a smaller stadium but the Bills averaged 2,298 more people at their games last year. Again, they have a larger venue but it seems like they do pretty well attendance wise when they are home.


This has always been one of Adam Carolla's greatest theories -- any time someone describes a co-worker by saying their name twice (like "Plax is Plax"), that's code for either "This guy is one of the biggest a-holes in the history of mankind" or "This guy is one of the stupidest, most confusing and most inexplicable human beings I've ever met."


It is amazing Adam Carolla is only doing Taco Bell commercials right now. Such insight and wisdom...


Of course it has really only applied to Manny Ramirez, so I can see how his theory comes true, considering Manny is probably an asshole and confusing.


Manny Ramirez, Barry Bonds, Steve Smith, Alex Rodriguez, Kobe Bryant, Stephon Marbury, Dennis Rodman, Chad Johnson ... they've all been slapped with the "[Name] is [Name]" quote over the years.


I have only heard Manny and Barry Bonds referred to in the "(Name) is (Name)" quote over the years. Never heard about any of the others. If any readers can come up with any quotes that refer to any of these people in that context I will award you with that stale box of Hot and Spicy Cheez-Its no one won a few weeks ago.


I don't think you will find anything though.


1. Dallas Cowboys

The Cowboys do one thing (score points) better than anyone does anything else. Now that they have Miles Austin going as a much-needed third receiver, really, the only guy who can stop this offense is Tony Romo. What do we make of this guy?


Stupid hick who looks mildly retarded. Not very focused on football at all times, enjoys the spotlight, but perhaps too much. Benefits greatly from an excellent supporting cast that can make him look better than he truly is at times.


I think we can safely say that, after three weeks, barring injuries, the 2008 NFL season rests in the hands of Jessica Simpson's boyfriend. Now that's weird.


That comment ended this column. Now that is weird.