TMQ is D-U-M

There is not a great proliferation of shitty articles out there, so I have decided to take another shot at TMQ. My two basic problems with TMQ are that it never makes sense to me and it is way too long...by like 10,000 words. Also, he is overly stupid and I don't like that.

TMQ

Right now only 10 of the 32 head coaches in the NFL had been a pro or big-college head coach before attaining their current postings: Bill Belichick, Tom Coughlin, Tony Dungy, Herm Edwards, Jim Haslett, Mike Holmgren, Dick Jauron, Wade Phillips, Mike Shanahan and Norv Turner.

What TMQ (I hate it when he calls himself that), is trying to say is that teams need to hire coaches with head coaching experience. Hopefully everyone can see the flaw in his reasoning immediately. Any head coach has got to be a first time head coach at some point, regardless of the level of play, and if a person has proven they are an excellent coordinator or position coach, there is no reason to think that person would not be a successful coach. Tony Dungy was never a head coach before Tampa Bay, Holmgren was never a head coach until he coached Brett God and the Packers. Every head coach in the world has to be a first time head coach at one time and usually a head coach is available to be hired because he has been fired for being ineffective or he is going to be very expensive to hire.

Learning on the job doesn't have much of an NFL track record.

So where would the coaches learn then? As coach of a high school team or of a college team? Is TMQ promoting a minor league baseball system version of hiring head coaches?

Get ready for TMQ to pose the question and then answer it later. Kind of like Jemele Hill does, except with real facts and arguments.

In recent years, big-deal college coaches have tended to be busts in the NFL (Butch Davis, Bobby Petrino, Nick Saban, Steve Spurrier), making pro teams reluctant to hire from the big-time college ranks;

Few NFL assistants have head coaching experience, so the pool of candidates tends to be thick with never-before types.

Plus, so many never-before head coaches fail in the NFL that the list of available people who have been successful NFL head coaches is often quite short.

So basically, like most things in life, all the good ones are already taken. Glad we talked about this at such length and came to this obvious conclusion.

Last holiday season when the college coaching deck chairs got reshuffled, there were candidates aplenty: Mississippi, for example, did not have much trouble coming up with Houston Nutt.

Remember Arkansas trying to hire for the head coaching position to replace Houston Nutt? They went through Lane Kiffin and about every coach in the world until Bobby Petrino went to Arkansas in mid-season. How about Nebraska five years ago before they hiring Bill Callahan? That search took forever and they still did not come up with a qualified candidate. You can't just magically ignore colleges having problems finding qualifed candidates that have been head coaches before.

In other sports news, the NBA season tips off Tuesday night. Tuesday Morning Quarterback maintains that basketball is approximately 1 percent as interesting as football, and therefore I devote 1 percent of my annual line length to the hardwood sport. Basketball items are scattered throughout today's column.

And, oh yes, they are definitely scattered throughout the column. Further proof he cares very little about coherency.

Stat of the Week No. 8: Because they do not play each other, Cincinnati and Detroit are both mathematically alive to finish 0-16.

No shit! Because they will not play each other Texas and Boise State are both mathematically alive to finish the year without a loss. Because anytime, in any sport, two teams in different divisions do not play each other, they are alive to be perfect. Shocking!

Sweet Play of the Week: Tied at 14, Jersey/A reached the Pittsburgh 2-yard line with three minutes remaining. The Giants brought in backup guard Kevin Boothe, reporting eligible as an extra tight end on the right; they then play-faked to the right; all of the Steelers' defenders assumed power-run right, and no one covered regular tight end Kevin Boss slipping out left. Note: Boothe went to Cornell. The defending Super Bowl champions' roster is packed with alums from smart schools, such as Boston College, Cornell, Michigan, Notre Dame (two), Northwestern and Vanderbilt.

It appears that cause and effect has suffered another casualty. I am going to go ahead and say Boothe did not design the play nor did he suggest the play, so his intelligence has nothing to do with the play's good execution.

Also, you can not count Mario Manningham as being from a smart school. Though went to Michigan, he probably did not participate in the academic part.

With Miami leading 20-16, Buffalo faced second-and-1 on the Dolphins' 33 in the fourth quarter. Many of football's biggest fiascos happen on second-and-1 -- the tendency is to waste second down because converting on third down will be "easy," and a fiasco follows. On the play, Buffalo threw deep -- incomplete. ("It's a free play," offensive coordinator Turk Schonert may have thought.) On third-and-1 the Bills ran a quarterback sneak, and Trent Edwards stretched forward with the ball and fumbled. The Bills would have been better off with second-and-10 than second-and-1!

Many of football's biggest fiascos happen on second-and-1? What great hyperbole since he names no other "fiascos" that occur. I fail to see how the Bills would have been any better with a second-and-ten, since they can't seem to execute a quarterback sneak properly. God only knows what type of shenanigans they would have gotten into if they had to gain more yardage on second down. Also, the fiasco happened on third-and-one, so it had nothing to do with second-and-1. There is no way this one fumble is representative of all second-and-one plays.

I will let TMQ have second-and-ten all day and I will take my second/third-and-one down downs and we will see who is more successful.

Sour Play of the Week No. 2: With Seattle leading 13-3 with 44 seconds remaining before intermission, San Francisco faced fourth-and-4 on the Blue Man Group 29. Rather than launch a long field goal attempt, the rookie Niners coach did the manly man thing and went for it. The result? An interception, returned for a Seattle touchdown; ye gods.

See TMQ, that is why punting in these situations is not alwasy a bad thing...especially when J.T. O'Sullivan is your quarterback.

Since when did "manly" mean "insanely stupid attempt to lose a sporting event?"

Sour Play of the Week No. 3: Trailing Washington 16-10 in the fourth quarter, Detroit faced third-and-17, threw a short check-down to a running back, then punted; the Redskins returned the punt for a touchdown.

This is clearly an effect of poor special teams play and not something that happens weekly to NFL teams. Maybe the running back was the only person open as well on the third down. I bet Gregg did not think about that, he just sat there in his blue rocking chair writing down all the punts and passes to running backs that happened in the games, making sure to only include the few that had negative outcomes in his column, smiling to himself about how he is always right and more teams should go for it on fourth down and throw to covered receivers.

I can't believe this man gets paid to write about football.

Weird NBA Trade: Denver sent Marcus Camby, who was Defensive Player of the Year in 2006-07 and is among the NBA's top rebounders, to the Los Angeles Clippers for the option of swapping second-round choices in the 2010 draft. That is, in exchange for a quality player, Denver received only a roughly 50/50 chance of a somewhat improved second-round pick; if the Nuggets draft before the Clippers in 2010, then Denver receives nothing. From Denver's perspective, the point of the trade was to get a guaranteed salary off the team's books. Why? So the cap space can be used to sign someone who is nowhere near as good as Camby?

Welcome to the NBA...and no the purpose is to free up cap space to sign a good player who can help Carmelo Anthony and Allen Iverson win a playoff series.

Sweet 'N' Sour Game Result:

What is with this "sweet 'n' sour" shit? It's fucking old already, yet it makes no sense to me. Someone please clue me in on this.

Many teams went for it on fourth down this Sunday -- Dallas, Jersey/A, Jersey/B, New England, New Orleans, San Diego -- in situations in which NFL teams usually launch mincing fraidy-cat kicks.

Why do you hate punting so much? It is not always bad, especially when it is a close game and field position is critical.

Last spring in the playoffs, the Whizzies were 2-1 when Arenas was out injured and 0-3 when he played. That is to say, the team performed better if Arenas couldn't dress. When Arenas is in the game, the other four Wizards simply stand like topiary watching him go one-on-one, and one-on-one is a low-percentage strategy, as Arenas' poor career shooting numbers attest. Pull Arenas off the floor and the Wizards come to life on offense, moving and running plays.

For someone who pays very little attention to basketball, he sure has a strong opinion on Gilbert Arenas. I like how he chooses a six game sample to show his proof that Gilbert Arenas is not a good basketball player and ignores the fact Arenas has carried the Wizards at times during the playoffs and regular season.

I also like the hyperbole about the team moving around and coming to life on offense when Gilbert Arenas is on the floor. Does he have any proof of this, other than his small sample size? No.

Clang! Clang! Clang! In the men's NCAA tournament, Duke missed 15 consecutive 3-point attempts in losing to West Virginia, while Oregon missed 17 consecutive 3-point attempts in losing to Mississippi State.

He writes like a 5 year old with ADD. This happened back in fucking March of this year. That is seven months ago...and now he is randomly bringing this up again.

Who at ESPN hired this man? I bet Chris Berman is the culprit.

Krumble on the Play! TMQ believes the "krumble" -- kickoff return fumble -- is the most devastating turnover, since the team that just scored immediately gets the ball back. With New Orleans leading 9-3, San Diego fumbled the kickoff, and a moment later it was a 16-3 lead.

Because of that one play, he believes this is the most devastating turnover a team can incur, due to the team that just scored gets the ball back. Nevermind the fact the team kicking off has not always just scored, they may be kicking off to begin the game/second half/or the team kicking the ball and recovering the fumble could be down 45-10, but now the other team is devastated due to a fumble! Why? It happened in this one game...oh and San Diego later comeback to almost win the game. Not such a devastating fumble I guess?

Just as amusing but overlooked was the 11-player Cleveland-Chicago-Seattle transaction, in which the Sonics gave up two starters, Wally Szczerbiak and Delonte West, for three benchwarmers, Ira Newble, Donyell Marshall and Adrian Griffin. As soon as the season ended and the rules permitted it, the Sonics, now the Oklahoma City Thunder, waived Newble and Marshall; a few weeks later, they packaged Griffin to Milwaukee in another three-club deal. That is, the former Seattle team traded two starting players for one guy used as a thrown-in on a deal for someone else.

The NBA trading rules are crrrrrrrrrrrrazy! Everyone knows this, everyone acknowledges this, please shut up about it.

Weird NBA Trade: Denver acquired Renaldo Balkman from the Knicks for Taurean Green and Bobby Jones; the Knicks immediately waived Green and Jones, neither of whom are currently on an NBA roster. The whole point of the transaction was to get Balkman's guaranteed contract off New York's books.

These are the rules in the NBA to stay under the salary cap. If the intent was to get Balkman's contract off the books, then this is not a weird trade, it clearly had a purpose. Shut up!

In any league other than the NBA, this would make no sense. But Walker is a malcontent with a guaranteed contract and Jaric is just dreadful -- a shooting forward with a career .408 field-goal percentage -- yet has $21 million remaining on a guaranteed contract. Thus in return for going up two slots in the draft, Memphis agreed to take off Minnesota's hands a pair of unwanted players and their featherbedded contracts.

This makes zero sense. Agreed. The rules allow this to happen and the Minnesota Timberwolves now have more cap space to spend on signing shitty players to their roster. Again, this trade had a purpose, so it is not weird at all.

Clang! Clang! Clang! Against George Washington University, St. Louis University missed 23 consecutive field goal attempts, finishing 7-for-48, and 1-for-19 on 3-point attempts. The leading scorer for St. Louis was Bruce Husak with five points.

This happened months ago. If there is an Alzheimer's patient or an elderly person who is having memory problems reading this column right now they are probably confused as to why this asshole is talking about college basketball before the season has actually begun.

And India, if you're going to be a space-faring nation, you need better mission names! The new lunar satellite is named Chandrayaan, which means "moon craft" in Sanskrit. The Sanskrit is a nice touch, but "moon craft" -- that's the best you can do? NASA missions have had cool names like Voyager, Pioneer and Cassini. Voyager was such a successful name that the name itself became part of a Star Trek movie plot, then of a Star Trek television serial. At least, Bollywood must now make the first-ever Indian sci-fi flick and incorporate the name Chandrayaan.

I really wonder if he gets paid to write this column or he does it for free. If ESPN is paying him, they should look into maybe using that money to buy out Tony Kornheiser's contract because he is not good on MNF.

Clang! Clang! Clang!: The Celtics and Cavaliers combined to miss 90 shots -- nearly two missed shots per minute -- in Game 2 of their playoff series. On the night, Boston and Cleveland were a combined 5-of-27 from the 3-point arc. Just to prove it was no fluke, in Game 6 the Celtics and Cavaliers again combined to miss 90 shots.

Bang! Bang! Bang!: Bengoodfella does not miss the three shots from a gun he fired in his eyes and head. On the night, he is 3-3 in injuring himself to where he can't read or think about TMQ ever again.

Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk No. 1: After a 49ers field goal made it Seattle 20, San Francisco 6 near the end of the third quarter, San Francisco kicked away rather than onside kick. Needless to say, San Francisco went on to lose.

There is about a 25% chance they would have recovered the onside kick and if they do not recover it, they are now down 14 points to the Seahawks and the Seahawks have the ball in prime field position to score again, making it a three possession game. This is not why San Francisco lost, they lost because they were down 20-3 nearing the end of the third quarter and had to settle for a field goal.

Cause, meet effect.

Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk No. 2: Leading 3-0, City of Tampa reached fourth-and-3 on the Dallas 43, and punted. On the day the Buccaneers drove to the Dallas 18, 18, 18, 23, 33 and 42 with a net of just 9 points.

They were leading 3-0 on the road...and it was the first quarter! The first quarter! Why in the hell would the Buccaneers willingly let Brad Johnson have a shorter field to work with in the first quarter? This would make no sense to go for it on fourth down. The fact the Bucs did not score when they are so close has nothing to do with the decision not to go for it on fourth down in the first quarter. You are dumb and are making me feel dumb.

Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk (College Edition No. 1): Reader Matthew Crisp of Wooster, Ohio, noted Arizona punted on fourth-and-8 from its 36 with three minutes remaining, trailing USC 17-10. Needless to say, Arizona never got the ball back.

I actually think Arizona should have gone for it also.

Why is it needless to say they never got the ball back? They had held USC to 17 points, so there was a decent chance they would get the ball back.

Sportsmanship Watch: With Missouri leading Colorado 48-0 in the fourth quarter, Chase Daniel was still on the field and still throwing. Who cares if Missouri was mad about its loss the previous weekend? The Tigers' behavior in the fourth quarter against Colorado was bad sportsmanship. The football gods will now punish Missouri.

You mean by causing them to lose two straight games that knock them out of the National Championship race? Because that happened two weeks ago. I love how he spends the entire column calling teams chicken for not going for it on fourth down, then when Missouri is uber-aggressive in their play calling, he calls them bad sports. TMQ sucks.