MMQB Review: Following All of Peter's Loves

There are certain days I hate reading about the NFL and today is one of those days. I am going to take all my rage and put it into pointing out what a repetitive dumbass Peter King is though and it will hopefully feel good. This week is pretty much just a wrapping up of all Peter's loves. Matty Icccccccccccccce 1, 2, Brett "God" Favre, and everything else he writes about every single week between eating pasta and sniffing Brett Favre's ass.

MMQB

It's a quarterback weekend.

A quarterback weekend for Peter King is like a 15 year old getting to go to a nude beach for the first time. Very, very exciting.

Ben Roethlisberger, leader.

Ben Roethlisberger, poor motorcycle driver.

One by one, as the offensive linemen left the locker room after the Steelers dumped the Bengals 27-10 on a pre-winter night, Roethlisberger said to them: "Ten o'clock tomorrow. Don't be late.'' One of the linemen said he didn't know if he'd be up on time and wondered if Ben could give him a wakeup call, to which Roethlisberger told him to be on time and he'd see him there.

This unnamed lineman is clearly fucking with Roethlisberger and his intentions of becoming a "leader" in the locker room. He wants a wake up call? He is making fun of Big Ben, how can Peter not see this?

Roethlisberger is growing into a hard-shelled guy who can play hurt and be the kind of player his teammates want to follow.

It seems like everything is going well now that Big Ben has gotten those taller receivers he wanted. This is like the ending of a tv movie, where finally everyone understands each other and they all become friends.

Rub dirt on it, spit on it, whatever. That shoulder has the hopes of the Steelers riding on it.

Might want to rub dirt, spit or whatever you want to do to the defense of the Steelers because that is really where the team's hopes lie. Roethlisberger helps out a lot but the Steelers defense is the true star. Peter loves a man in charge though, so this is where he gives credit.

On the charter home from Nashville on Sunday night, before takeoff, old friend Bubba Franks walked by Brett Favre's seat on the plane.

Favre then threw a bottle of beer to Franks, who promptly dropped it.

But it's the kind of win that means something, where there's a lot of hooting and hollering in the locker room after the game, and you say to yourself, This is fun. This is why I came back."

Brett Favre never fucking left. You have to leave to come back. You did not leave, you just hung out in Mississippi and whined and cried all summer, but you were definitely here.

The media, coming off a 4-12 season, learning a new offense, the high expectations ... Did I really want to go through that?

Maybe you should not have fake retired and then un-retired then. I wish Peter King would say that, but he never would. He doesn't have the cojones.

"A change like that would have been tough on a 22-year-old.

It is tough on 22 year old players, but they do it every single year in the draft. Wonderful analogy. Brett compares the situation he put himself into to the hundreds of players who are eligible for the draft every single year trying to make it in the NFL so they can make a living. Meanwhile Brett is a millionaire trying to determine if he still wants to play.

But then [wife] Deanna said something to me that made sense. She said, 'Hey, whether you're here one year, two years, or five weeks, whatever, you've got to be committed.'

5 weeks????? Considering the NFL season is 17 weeks long plus the playoffs, that doesn't sound like he is very committed. We all love Brett Favre but how can everyone think he is not an asshole? I left out the part where he said he wanted revenge on the Packers, so that is why he wanted to be traded to the Vikings...except he of course denied this the entire time the retirement fiasco was going on. I am going to have a hernia.

Now this stat is eerie: After Tom Brady's first 11 starts in the NFL, his completion percentage was 66.3. After Matt Cassel's 11 NFL games this season, his completion percentage is ... well, 66.3.

You know Bill Simmons seems to think Tom Brady is a better QB than Peyton Manning. He seems to think the head to head matchups and Super Bowl victories prove this. I think I have made my decision. Take Peyton Manning off the Colts and take Tom Brady off the Patriots. I know we only have data for this year but it seems like the Colts would struggle a lot more than the Patriots have. This year the Colts would tank completely while the Patriots are still thriving. It's just one year but why hasn't there been more written about this? Granted the Patriots were perfect last year but there is not a whole lot of overall fall off with Matt Cassel as the quarterback.

Seems like Brady needs to hurry back.

2. New York Jets (8-3). Biggest day in the history of New Jersey sports: The Jets vs. the Giants in Tampa ... WITH SPRINGSTEEN AT HALFTIME.

3. Tennessee (10-1). Let's not go overboard because the Titans lost one game.

Says the man who ranks Tennessee behind the only team they have lost to in his rankings of the best teams in football and ranks them as the third best team in the NFL.

11. Dallas (7-4). I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like for Tony Romo, having to pacify Terrell Owens for about two hours out of every workday.

There is a Brett Favre joke in here regarding he and Peter behind the bleachers.

Stat of the Week

Barring another marquee quarterback signing a long-term deal before 2009 free-agency begins, the franchise number for a quarterback next offseason will be $14.28 million. With one asterisk.

The asterisk: If Favre retires by February 2009, the day franchise designations must be made, that number goes down by $220,000, to $14.06 million.

Hahahahahahhahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Brett Favre make a decision by February 2009? Does this mean "really retire" or "cry at a press conference until I can make a decision about what team I want to leverage myself into playing for next year" retire? I am sure when you are talking $14 million dollars, $220,000 is not that much for team's to worry about the franchise QB tag changing by. Of course, this was a convenient way for Peter to mention Brett Favre again.

So the Patriots, in the unlikely event that they franchise Cassel when the franchise designations have to be made in February, will have two good reasons to root for Favre to retire. One, it would save them money. Two, it would save them on-field headaches next fall.

Whew...thank God Peter ran down the Matt Cassel franchise tag situation AGAIN with us, I had not remembered since the page before this one, when he mentioned it, that Cassel was a free agent and I certainly did not know what would happen to the Patriots if they franchise Cassel. Maybe this is a new running thing with Peter, he will talk about what happens if each team franchises a player on their team...or maybe he just does this with his favorite teams.

Special Teams Players of the Week

Peter mentioned five people in this part. He left out Harry Douglas though who caught a 69 yard reception, ran for a touchdown and returned a punt for a kick return. Maybe when he watches the Falcons games he could stop staring at Matt Ryan's ass and pay attention to the fact they have great players on that team, they just lacked a QB until this year.

But when you have Peyton Manning on your team, you can gamble more than most coaches, and it looked as though offensive coordinator Tom Moore and coach Tony Dungy wanted Manning to take a shot, a safe shot, downfield to try to get into field goal range right away. He play-actioned, then found Marvin Harrison on a 14-yard cross to the San Diego 34.

Someone alert Gregg Doyel! Marvin Harrison ran a crossing pattern over the middle, did not drop it or alligator arm it but actually caught the pass? Still a fraud?

There is zero accountability in journalism. This is what irritates me. Writers can just write whatever they want and nobody remembers. Woody Paige tells the Rockies to trade Matt Holliday, then he says don't trade him, while mocking the owners for even thinking about it. Gregg Doyel calls Marvin Harrison a fraud, which is incorrect, and he just keeps on writing. Bloggers have more accountability for the shit they write than national columnists, as long as columnists just stick to false information and misleading facts, but don't offend anyone, no one says anything.

What I Learned About Football This Week That I Didn't Know Last Week

I'll have a story in Sports Illustrated this week, delving into the mind of one of the game's smartest players, Tampa Bay linebacker Derrick Brooks. He let me into his study sessions before Bucs-Vikes, and his video analysis postgame last Monday. It's a cool look -- with the deconstruction of one very important play from the game -- as Brooks and the Bucs try to stop the most electric player in football.

I just love it when Peter pimps out his shitty SI articles. I read SI and never even know who writes the articles, I just read them, but I always make sure to read his articles because he has pimped them for me, so I know they will be bad.

I won't give you any real spoilers here, but I will say Brooks and the Bucs did a good job on Peterson, and when I called Peterson Wednesday to explain the Tampa Bay defensive plan for stopping him, he was pretty forthcoming.

I will go ahead and spoil it. The way to stop Peterson or any running back is to not let there be running lanes he can get through, which means stay in your assigned gaps and be sure you tackle him every chance you get. Sorry to spoil it.

The Bad: Marriotts simply have to change their shampoo. On overnight trips I often don't bring my full toiletry kit, so I can skate through security and not check a bag. So I find myself using whatever shampoo is in the hotel. Marriotts have been using some Bath and Body Works girly shampoo for the past year or so, and when I get out of the shower, the perfume smell is revolting. Shampooing with soap is the only option -- a grotesque one, but a necessary evil now -- to avoid smelling like a woman.

Can't you put no-smell or low-smell shampoo in the rooms, Mr. Marriott? I know you'll scoff at the toiletries in Hampton Inns, but the freebie Purity shampoo there, relatively scentless, is the way to go.

Or Peter could do this, but this would not give him a chance to bitch and complain, he could bring his own fucking shampoo since he makes a shitload of money every year, I think he can afford some Pantene Pro V.

This is a sportswriter who travels constantly, who makes a ton of money covering sports, complaining about the fact he doesn't like the FREE shampoo in a hotel. I am not going to call him out of touch, I am just going to say he is a prick.

I kept a tally -- 33 work calls on the round-trip. What's the difference between calling from the home office and calling from the car, other than the notes I couldn't take?

Maybe the fact, even with a headset, you are more likely to be involved in a collision where a fatality is involved. That's it, but I am sure you will be fine, you are fat and can absord a hit, I am sure.

4. Gas at the Sideling Hill rest area on the Pennsylvania Turnpike, late July, on my training-camp trip: $4.29 per gallon. Gas at the same station Friday morning: $2.19 per gallon.

It's because of the new Clinton White Hou---I mean the new Obama White House. He did this! Yes, he can hire everyone who was in the Clinton White House! Isn't that the change we all voted for? The change back to 1996?

I apologize for going political for a second, I voted for Obama and I was really hoping we would see some change in the United States, and now I am getting nervous.

g. Brady Quinn tells me his problem is not just a broken bone near the top of the index finger on his throwing hand. It's a damaged tendon, which makes it doubly difficult to spin the ball with the kind of rotation he usually has coming out of his right hand. You saw that against Houston Sunday, in his eight-of-18 performance before getting yanked for Derek Anderson.

I am sure Brady Quinn's 8 for 18 performance is attributed completely to his damaged finger and not the fact he was starting his third game as a pro. Remember when the Browns had two good choices at QB? Whatever happened to that? They are about a week away from picking up Chris Weinke off the waiver wire and letting Jamal Lewis run the single wing offense.

b. Sammy Morris plays better than Laurence Maroney did.

That has to be the biggest indictment of the Laurence Maroney era in New England. This is not something to brag about.

a. If I read one more story about where LeBron James might play two years from now, I'm going to puke.

Remember this...you won't have to wait long.

c. It's everywhere -- on talk radio, on "SportsCenter,'' in columns, endlessly in every New York paper and Web site. I keep reading how smart and prescient the Knicks were for decimating their current team (playing with seven players Friday and Saturday night) and clearing out enough cap space for this great player, LeBron James.

I like how he says he never wants to read a story about it again, so then he writes a story about it. I also like how Peter says, "this great player, LeBron James," as if the Knicks are insane for even trying to get him for their team and LeBron is no good. Clearly, Peter does not understand how guaranteed contracts work and how the NBA works overall. It takes like 5 years to make up for your mistakes because you can't just get rid of your shitty players, you have to buy them out or trade them.

d. Red Sox traded Coco Crisp the other day.

Thank God we finally get a Red Sox update. No one EVER talks about them in the off season.

"For Cap'n Crunch?'' a good friend asked.

If Bill Simmons had friends I would ask if this "good friend" was him because this seems like a horrible joke he would make.

But I do appreciate the heck of what a good team player and superb defensive center fielder Crisp was, even if he never delivered 60 percent of the offense his past promised.

If you remember when Coco Crisp was a great player, you are lying, it never happened.

http://www.baseball-reference.com/c/crispco01.shtml

Another example, with Julio Lugo, Matt Clement, Carl Pavano, Kevin Brown, Randy Johnson, Andrew Jones, and Juan Pierre, how certain teams who spend ass loads of money are able to make mistakes that never actually affect the team payroll negatively, except they have to pay to find someone else to take the other player's roster spot. Meanwhile the Rockies won't sign any big free agents because they are still scared by Mike Hampton and Denny Neagle and the Royals got lambasted last year for giving Gil Meche 11 million per year.

I am not saying there should be salary cap in baseball, I am saying it pays to be able to make mistakes and know you can find other players to fill that hole.

e. Coffeenerdness: At a Starbucks on the Pennsylvania Turnpike Friday morning, a loud but precise woman walked up to the register and said: "Grande skim gingerbread latte, 145 degrees, half-foam, double-cupped, keep the lid off, and instead of the regular gingerbread topping you put on, please put the pumpkin spice latte topping on there.'' Poor register-guy had no idea what to write on the side of the cup. He went and explained to the barista, taking about 20 seconds. Maybe if it takes 33 words to order your coffee, you're getting a little too adventurous.

Says the man who writes about coffee and its different flavors and tastes every week in a national column.

Let's just hope this is a better week for shitty journalism.