Bill Plaschke Gets the Panic Room Ready

The title of Bill Plaschke's latest "column" is "Lakers Are Hot But They Still Lack That Spark." I initially thought this was a joke about how they don't have Lisa Leslie or Candace Parker from the LA Sparks playing for them and wanted to roll my eyes at his weak attempt at humor. The column is actually about how the Lakers don't have that "spark" Bill wants to see. This may sound stupid because the Lakers are currently 21-3 and on pace to come just short of the NBA record for victories in a season, they are on a pace for a 72 win season.

I calmed down knowing Bill Plaschke is often privy to knowledge normal sports fans don't have. Just like when Andre Ethier, the Oakland A's 2005 Minor League Player of the Year and two time Pac-10 All Star OF was unearthed by an old scout who Bill was able to get an exclusive interview with, so Bill must know something that would cause us to not think Bill Plaschke is an eternal idiot for suggesting some mysterious and intangible element of "spark" is missing from a team on pace to top 72 wins.

Let's see.

"They've lost that spark."

The record denied it. The talent refuted it. The crowd tried to ignore it.

Then the Lakers took the floor and lived it.

Phil Jackson is known as a master motivator, so has it occurred to Bill that maybe Phil is saying something like this to keep his team from becoming too in love with itself and continuing to play hard? Apparently not, though you can't just pick and choose when you believe every word that comes out of a coach's mouth.

What the hell could this "spark" be that Phil Jackson is speaking about? Could it be an attitude, a little midget that runs around in a lightning costume to pump the team up, the electricity in the building, or could it be that Phil Jackson is an ex-pothead hippie who just makes shit up to motivate this team?

You may notice that Bill has four sentence fragments that begin his article. Bill is a rebel and spits in the face of traditional English and journalistic standards...He doesn't actually spit consciously, he just has that lisp and out comes spit every once in a while.

Sitting under the basket, $22-million loser Stephon Marbury was more aggressive with his Blackberry. Sitting courtside, there was more defense played by Vanessa Hudgens on Zac Efron.

Wearing gold, the Lakers were red-faced and heavy-lidded and extremely fortunate to escape with a 116-114 victory over a gimmick team that shouldn't have had a squirting flower of a chance.

Oh yes, Bill is complaining a lot about the Lakers winning a game by a small amount. This doesn't make him an asshole, because he is not a fan of the Lakers, it just makes him a stupid dipshit for writing a column about how the Lakers have lost their "spark."

The Lakers trailed most of the game, sometimes by as many as 15, and eventually won only because their guests finally lost their legs.

The Lakers do really, really suck. They came back and won the game down by more than single digits. Only the really shitty teams are capable of that. Because they were losing at one point by more than double digits this win only counts for half a win. If the Lakers had that "spark" they would have led the whole game and then the win could have counted for 1-2 wins, depending on whether the "spark" the Lakers had was clearly seen and how long the "spark" could be seen for.

And you thought hockey had a complicated scoring system.

Even with Pau Gasol out with strep throat, the Lakers shouldn't have needed a Trevor Ariza ally-oop layup with 1:03 left to take the lead for good.

We get it, the Knicks suck, but the Lakers also played without their second best player and still won the game. That has to be a positive.

Do sportswriters who don't have anything to write about just sit back in their chairs and just think of the most incorrect point of view to espouse in a column to increase readership? The Lakers are 21-3! That is 21 wins and 3 losses. There is nothing wrong with this team, other than the incompetence of the sportswriters that cover it.

If only they were the team that began the season with the league's best defense, not allowing 100 points until the eighth game, bragging about how they were the new Boston. Well, Boston held these Knicks to 101 points. Detroit held them to 96. Cleveland held them to 82.

This is not college football where the score of the game gets you more points in the standings. Who gives two shits how bad other teams had beaten the Knicks, it doesn't matter. Did Boston beat the Knicks without Kevin Garnett, did Detroit beat them without Rasheed Wallace, and did Cleveland beat them without whoever the hell is their second best player? There is a clear difference in each game with the fact Gasol did not participate, even if you want to compare the scores of other teams who played the Knicks.

Sure, the Lakers have had a lot of home games, but they still have a great record.

I also found a guy who thinks this is all poppycock. "You have to lighten up a little bit," said Knicks Coach Mike D'Antoni. "They're pretty good."

How big of an asshole do you have to be to tell the coach of an 11-14 team who just lost to a 21-3 team that the 21-3 team has lost it's "spark?" I wish D'Antoni had slapped Plaschke in the face like a little bitch.

Is there anything more annoying than someone who bitches about their team, even though that team is superior to almost every other team in that sport? That is why I always kept quiet about my favorite college basketball team when they don't play well, because it is annoying. Plaschke could learn a lesson from me.

Here's what I found.

Kobe Bryant Hasn't Pushed Them Yet.

So that is what the spark is, Kobe Bryant is the spark! Therefore the Lakers have not lost their "spark," it just has not happened yet.

Derek Fisher's and Jordan Farmar's Defense Hasn't Pushed Them Yet.

So they are the "spark?" Am I high?...is this heaven?...why is this man with a slight lisp spitting on me?

"A lot of this is because we're still learning to play with each other," said Farmer. "There's been a lot of changes, and we haven't quite come together all the time."

Farmer? Did Plaschke interview a farmer for his opinion, and if he did, why does this not surprise me in the least?

Sure, the Lakers are not perfect but they have a great record and they are never going to admit they have everything together because they are a competitive team that wants to always improve.

Which leads to the next theory . . .

Stab me in the eye now...

The Schedule Hasn't Pushed Them Yet.

Teams get lazy at home and tough on the road. Yeah, the Lakers have played 15 games at home and only eight outside Staples Center.

Wow, in that case maybe the schedule not has pushed them. If teams get tough on the road, you could argue the 15 games played at home have been the hardest games for the Lakers because the road team has played hard in these. Therefore if the Lakers are being lazy at home and are still going 14-2 at home, then they don't even need a "spark" because they are a great team if they can be lazy and still beat teams that are "tough" on the road.

Basically, the Lakers don't even need a "spark." They just got through the toughest part of its schedule without it and will just get "tough" on the road. Take your theory, that I just disproved with logic, and shove it up your butt Plaschke. Please don't lisp-spit on me.

Also, the Lakers are 14-2 at home and 7-1 on the road, that equals out to the EXACT SAME WINNING PERCENTAGE both places. So I just disproved your road/home theory with logic and numbers. I win.

Like their team, they both need to grow, and fast, no matter what the record says.

No, they don't. They are getting ready to play games on the road where they will no longer be lazy. The Lakers have the league right where they want them right now. The "spark" of playing on the road in a hostile environment is going to catapult them to the stratosphere in "sparkiness."

Why so serious Bill?

The Lakers are a sultry, splendid 21-3.

Now if they'd only act like it.

The Lakers are 21-3. If only you would write columns about this and not some mysterious "spark" that playing on the road, Kobe Bryant, or Jordan Farmar will provide. You are officially on my watch list you incompetent little bugger. Or as you would say.

My watch list. That is where Bill is. He is a little bugger.