Bill Simmons Power Polls It

Has anyone else noticed that since Bill Simmons unveiled his "how to gamble by Bill and I am qualified to write this because I am a genius column three weeks ago" the Sports Gal is slowly catching up to him in the standings? She is only 7 behind him with two weeks to go. I am in a state of frenzy wondering if she will catch up, though to be honest, I am not 100% sure she is actually picking anymore since we have not heard from her in months it seems. Maybe Bill is jealous she has better writing skills than him.

Bill apologizes for not doing a power poll more often in the year and no one cares because he should apologize for mailing in last week's column and the one about how the NBA has its "curves" back. Those were just bad, much worse than not putting a power poll up.

I love power polls because it gives Bill a chance to show off his lack of knowledge.

Due to the struggling economy, we were forced to reduce my number of 2008 NFL Power Polls from four to three. All right, that's not true. I just screwed up. We did one in Week 4, we did one in Week 10 … and now it's Week 16. Really, only one Power Poll over a 12-week span? That's just me failing at my job.

Really...you need to apologize for the NBA having its curves back and the gift columns from the past month. Those were just bad.

(One silver lining in the Rust era: The Patriots bottomed out so badly that I broke my gambling cherry to maintain my interest in the '89 season. A future degenerate was born. Right now, somewhere in America, there's at least one Lions fan on a college campus who owes $2,000 to a bookie. And he's nodding.

It took two paragraphs for Bill to encourage reckless gambling by college students.

The Sports Guy: Convincing gambling away your parent's money is the cool thing to do since 1998.

30. Cincinnati Bengals

During last week's anti-gifts column, I wondered why Bengals fans hadn't sent in any suggestions and worried whether they were still alive. Cincy reader Andy Collins quelled my fears: "We Bengals fans are still here. We just don't care anymore." Oh.

Ask a Redskins fan about the Bengals and how good they think that person thinks the Bengals are. I guarantee you, you will either get flipped off or cursed at.

There are five open secrets in the NFL right now.

Not to turn into a 9th grade English teacher here on Bill here, but there is no such thing as "open secret" just like there is no such thing as being a "born again virgin." Sorry, it doesn't happen that way.

Romeo Crennel is getting fired after the season. Like, right after it ends. Quite possibly as he's walking off the field in Week 17. They might not even let him get into the locker room; they might just have his stuff waiting outside in a box.

Seriously with Romeo Crennel and Charlie Weis' records as head coaches, shouldn't someone be looking at Josh McDaniels with a little bit of hesitation? Just a little bit?

So here's my question: Why not do it right now? Why was the decision made that it's OK to fire your coach within the first two months of the season, but after that, you have to let him suck the life out of your players and your fan base until the bitter end, no matter how depressing those last few weeks might be? Couldn't the Browns have fun with this? Why not let Browns legend Jim Brown coach the team these last two weeks? Or LeBron? Or Grady Sizemore? Or make Willie McGinest the player-coach? Or, even better, replace Crennel with Art Shell and see whether anyone notices?

My guess would be the reason they don't do this is because none of these people (except Art Shell) have coached a football team before and the team does not want to make a mockery of the coaching process and the team. What coach in his right mind is going to want to be hired by an organization that let Jim Brown or Grady Sizemore coach the team? Bill knocks Al Davis all the time but this is an idea that Davis would actually think of and implement and now Bill jokingly/non jokingly, I can't always tell, suggests it.

Here's my wild theory: The Patriots will franchise Matt Cassel in fear that Tom Brady might not make it back in time for the 2009 season. By mid-July, when it becomes clear Brady is fine, Cassel quietly will go on the market … and, of course, the Niners will be sitting there waiting for him. As soon as Cassel becomes available, San Fran will toss the Pats a 2010 No. 1 and a 2011 No. 2, then rip up his contract and give him something like $55 million for seven years with a $24 million signing bonus. Everybody wins.

Believe it or not, I have nothing against Matt Cassel but I definitely would not do this if I were the San Francisco Niners. Ever...which means they are probably going to do this. For once, Bill is right about what is going to happen and the Patriots are going to get a ton of draft picks or a high draft pick because they already have a fantastic QB. The Patriots are actually geniuses when they do things like this, which makes me dislike them more. If this happens, I can't wait until my favorite team plays the NFC West again, there won't be a .500 team in that division in two years.

Something to watch for, my gambling friends: The Saints are done. They're out.

Yep, they still scare me though.

Then the Saints finish the season with a home game against the Panthers that will mean nothing to Carolina because its playoff seed gets decided this Sunday night (either it's No. 1 or No. 2).

Simmonsologists know that Bill has to have at least one bit of information completely wrong when it comes to the NFC/any division that Patriots are not in. The Saints game could mean absolutely everything to Carolina in two weeks. Ignore completely what Bill just said, gamblers because if the Panthers lose this weekend, and the Cowboys, Bucs, and Falcons all win, the Panthers will miss the playoffs on conference record if they lose to the Saints in Week 17 and those three teams all win again (the Cowboys play the Eagles while the Bucs play the Lions and the Bucs play the Raiders...those are three easy win games). In summary, if that situation occurs the Panthers have to win against the Saints or will not make the playoffs as a 11-5 team, despite one victory against the Giants this weekend could get them homefield advantage throughout the playoffs. Trust me, I know these things. Bill is wrong, I am right.

(I want to know from my reader(s), has there ever been a situation one of your teams has been in where if they lose one game they could miss the playoffs entirely, but if they win that game, they get homefield advantage throughout the playoffs? Not to sound like Bill Simmons, but is this unprecedented? No one cares about my personal life but let's just say if the Giants beat my favorite team (fine, its the fucking Panthers if no one has figured that out), a certain person who lives with me will receive a phone call potentially from her father who will be bragging, potentially, followed by me immediately regretting grabbing the phone, potentially, and words could follow.)

Just know that if a gutty 11-5 Pats team is forced to sit out the playoffs because NFL rules demand that one of these two crappy AFC West teams be included, I'm sending a special homemade batch of holiday turd egg nog to the NFL offices with the note "ATTN: Roger Goodell." Damn it all.

Followed by a homemade batch sent by me if Arizona makes it and my favorite team does not. Though I have vowed not to bitch because it is the rules, it still would really, really suck...especially since they beat the Cardinals.

You might remember that I made Tarvaris Jackson's replica jersey my 48th-worst NFL gift last week. When he threw for four touchdowns against the Cards on Sunday, I braced myself for a slew of "Ha ha you suck, Tarvaris rules!" e-mails from the Minnesota area. Nope. I didn't get a single one. Now what does THAT tell you?

That tells me you are lying. At least one person had to email that you suck to you. I don't believe this at all.

This could also could tell me what I actually suspect, that most people read your column to dissect it with sarcasm, like I am doing, and don't actually read it and care about what you write.

(My favorite headline of the week: "JACKSON? FREROTTE? THE INTRIGUE BUILDS." Um … it does? Should I move to the edge of my seat just so I don't feel left out? I've watched "Scooby Doo" episodes with my daughter that had more building intrigue than Jackson versus Frerotte. I'm not kidding.

I never knew Bill Simmons had offspring! Why does not ever mention this? Where does he live again, isn't it Colorado or is it Texas? I need to have him mention these things more often so I feel like I know him better.

What ever happened to Bill saying he would never mention his family in his columns? I have no proof he ever said it, but I do remember it pretty well for some reason.

Remember when Richard Dreyfuss was scuba diving in "Jaws," and he was looking through a hole in a sunken boat and a waterlogged head floated in front of him? The face the waterlogged head had … that's what parents look like after they have twins. For like three years. Anyway, I'm not buying the McNabb twins theory. Sorry.

Ooooo...an interesting discussion about parents who have twins. The only way to have me want Bill to talk more about his favorite Boston teams!

Do you think Bill's page views are rising or falling? I honestly have to think they are falling at this point. It seems Bill is becoming more angst filled and ESPN seems to care about him less, leading me to believe Bill is blaming the fall on ESPN, while they don't give a shit. I blame the decline in my page views on poor writing on my part. I take responsibility in that way.

(Speaking of T.O., I wrote in September that Chad Johnson had reached the Saturation Zone for me -- in other words, they could show footage of him doing ANYTHING on "SportsCenter" -- screaming at his coach, yelling at his teammates, wearing a weird outfit, fighting a walrus, getting caught on a security camera doing lines with Amy Winehouse -- and I just wouldn't care. I wouldn't be interested. I wouldn't want to talk about it. I just want him to go away and never come back. Three months later, I have reached the same point with Owens. And Michael Phelps, you're getting there -- even Ronald Miller handled being cool better. Take a deep breath, do some laps, get a hold of yourself, dip out of the limelight for a few weeks and try to find a girlfriend who isn't a Vegas strip-club waitress with a tattoo on her back bigger than your eight gold medals. That's my advice.)

For the second time this year, I agree with Bill on this one. I need more people on the "Michael Phelps is a douchebag" bandwagon. Look at him, how he acts, and pretty much everything about him, including listening to Eminem as he gets ready to swim, and it all adds up for me. He is a great swimmer, but also a Grade A douchebag.

7. Baltimore Ravens Total points scored in their past four games against the Colts, Titans, Steelers and Giants: 33.

Number of times Joe Flacco has topped 200 yards passing this season: four.

Number of 90-yard days by a Ravens running back this season: three.

Number of 100-yard receiving days by a Ravens receiver this season: three.

(See where I'm going with this?)

Yet, he ranks them #7 on his power poll. This tells me what I always have thought: power polls are completely and utterly useless...but a great way to build debate and pass on actually writing a good weekly column. I am surprised Rick Reilly has not tried one yet.

4. New York Giants

Dear Giants fans,
Did you notice that Eli suddenly stinks? This is what happens when an ordinary QB doesn't have the benefit of throwing against an eight-man front that's stacking the line while his best wide receiver is getting double-covered. Keep looking up -- you don't want him landing on you at 540 mph as he finishes his fall back to earth. Also, keep telling yourself that your seventh-string wide receiver catching a pseudo-Hail Mary off the top of his helmet with your season on the line wasn't the single luckiest play in sports history. In fact, David Tyree himself just admitted this to me. I'm writing this at an IHOP right now, and he just brought me a plate of blueberry pancakes. Did you know you can work at IHOP when you're on injured reserve? Apparently so. I have to go because I'm going to throw a cannister of boysenberry syrup at him as hard as I can and see whether he catches it off his head. Worst of luck in the playoffs.

Sincerely,
Bitter Guy

I am not going to even bring up the New England Patriots here. I am wondering if Bill's bitterness will ever end over this? Lucky plays happen all the time and that was just one catch in the game, granted it was crucial, but how about Plaxico Burress being wide open for the touchdown, was that luck also? Or the Giants defense shutting down the Patriots offense after seeing them a second time. Was that luck?

Now, we're like five weeks away from a solid hour of awkwardness at Lucas' booth with questions like, "Are you afraid to joke with Steve in the locker room because he might punch you?" and "Do you ever get the urge to just walk over to Steve's locker and punch him in the face to get him back?" from troublemaking bloggers and radio personalities dressed in goofy football jerseys.

Hypocrite alert! What trouble about making bloggers and radio personalities? Wasn't Bill the same person bragging a few years ago when he and Kimmel played a joke on John Kasay at the Super Bowl that pissed him off? It's right here. Funny, how easy it is to forget you did the exact same thing you are up on your high horse saying others would do.

As usual, when Bill Simmons makes a joke or does something it is the funniest thing in the history of the world, but when others do it, he feels the need to take cheap shots at people as troublemakers or tries to demean them in some other fashion.

Luck is a major part of football, whether we like to admit it or not … but at the same time, you make your own luck to a certain degree.

Says the guy who wrote "jokingly" the Giants were lucky in the Super Bowl last year five paragraphs ago.

I wish Bill Simmons would write a column everyday, my life would be so much more full of joy and I would be much happier with my choices of bad journalism to mock. That's what I want for Christmas.