MMQB Review: Super Duper Hype Bowl Edition

I couldn't stay away. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in. I felt empty and hollow without Peter King and his MMQB this week, so here it is one day later but with no less joy. This week we are getting ready for the Super Bowl and making sure all the proper hype filled storylines are talked about, and Peter is glad to help this cause.

I'm dizzy from all the connections between the Cardinals and Pittsburgh.

Peter gets dizzy from writing about hotel shampoo bottle smells, walking up a flight of stairs, and any visit to Dunkin' Donuts, so this is nothing new.

There's Ken Whisenhunt, who didn't get the Steelers head-coaching job two years ago, now coaching the Cards. Ditto Arizona line coach Russ Grimm. The new Cards coaches basically created Steeler West in Sun City.

The two teams are both so similar. Pittsburgh is known as a hard hitting, blue collar city team that relies on tough defense and a running game to give Ben Roethlisberger enough time to throw the ball. The Cardinals are known as a bunch of perennial losers who play in the desert that relies on a passing game to buy enough time to run the ball once or twice a half. See? Just the same.

I think Arizona being known as Steeler West is only a by product of three coaches that have Steeler ties and the fact Larry Fitzgerald played his college football at Pittsburgh. Basically, I think it is a little early to call Arizona Steeler West since the teams are nothing alike and the only similarity is the coaching staffs. Carry on though...

Partly because he's been in the lab for the past week, trying to figure a way to stop the team he loved so much as a kid from winning its NFL-record sixth Super Bowl on Sunday.

"He's been in the lab?"

What are the odds that Peter King either heard Dr. Dre's Chronic 2001 for the first time this week or he rented "8 Mile" recently?

The best story is Haley, and mostly because of a story that's been hidden pretty well over the last five years, a story about getting pulled between two conflicting and powerful feelings.

Part of the reason it has been hidden is because nobody knew who the hell Todd Haley was before two weeks ago and those that did know who he was only knew him because he was famous for feuding with T.O. a couple of seasons ago.

Haley couldn't believe his good fortune. It could have been any of the NFL's 32 teams that wooed him, but the Steelers. His Steelers.

Seriously, when did the Super Bowl turn into featuring personal interest stories like American Idol does? You know a Super Bowl is going to stink when you have to hear about these type of stories all week. Not that the game will stink for certain, but if it was that exciting wouldn't we get to read stories about the actual freaking game and the anticipation for it?

I realize these stories are part of the game but they really bore me.

And it's Haley who has played a major role in the professional refinement of Fitzgerald, who stands a very good chance of being the difference-maker in Super Bowl 43.

Some may say the difference maker is Willie Parker or the Cardinals defensive ability to stop the Steelers offense (Gregg Easterbrook, step right up) and give the offense time to score on the Steelers defense or even possibly the difference could be anything else that happens on the field during the game. Peter King says, no, those guys only play the actual game, the difference is going to be the offensive coordinator for the Cardinals, who calls the plays that the players run. He is the difference maker.

Even if it's going to feel very strange to be on the other side of the field from his old team.

"His" old team. The team he has never played/coached for, but the team his father coached for where little Todd hung out in the locker room, presumably picking fights with the team's wide receivers. The bond is deep between Todd Haley and the team that has never paid him a dime to employ him in any fashion.

What I Learned About Football This Week That I Didn't Know Last Week

One night last week, I was with an NBC crew in Pittsburgh linebacker James Harrison's home north of Pittsburgh. He was talking about staying in one piece during the physical NFL season, and he said he owed a lot to acupuncture.

That's not really about football at all Peter. If you labeled this part "What I Learned About Home Remedies and Their Relationship to Football Players I Didn't Know Last Week," it would be a much more accurate title.

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

Last Monday night, Steelers president Dan Rooney attended a dinner in Washington on the eve of the inauguration, a get-everyone-on-the-same-page fete thrown by the president-elect honoring John McCain. Rooney brought a football from the AFC Championship Game with him and gave it to Barack Obama, who promptly began throwing it around to aides and others in the room.

First off, this is not a "factoid," this is actually a "story." A fact is a piece of true information and a story is exactly what you just told. I have never been to journalism school and the last time I was in an English class it was led by a professor who only had feminism books on the syllabus and I sat beside the nicest hippie I have ever met named James, who smelled like a distinct mix of body odor and patchouli, which was nine years ago, and I still know the difference between these two things.

(See what I did? I just told what Peter King calls a "factoid," but it was actually a "story.")

Rooney, who introduced Obama at a couple of campaign rallies in and around Pittsburgh, loves the 44th president.

Loves him, but not in the way Peter King loves Brett Favre. Of course, who doesn't love Obama?

"I love his energy,'' Rooney said.

I am not sure quoting a 76 year old man complimenting a person's energy is good writing. To a 76 year old man, pretty much everything in the world has a lot of energy compared to him.

What is wrong with this picture?

a. You cannot mail a letter in Terminal C at Newark Liberty International Airport. "Security reasons,'' one of the TSA employees told me Sunday. "They took out the mailboxes after 9/11.''

What the hell? This is new information for me. How crazy is this? I went to my local Toyota dealership and they would not mail a letter for me either.

How the hell is Peter going to correspond with this person he wants to speak to. If only there was such thing as email, cell phone, fax, or text. I am vexed!

b. You can use a regular knife in first class on Continental. For the past -- oh, I don't know -- year or so, I've noticed when my frequent-flying gets me upgraded that they have real knives in first class now. Whatever happened to the edict that the airlines were taking metal knives off airplanes permanently because they didn't want them to possibly be used by terrorists in the future.

Rich people aren't going to try and hijack a plane, that's why they get knives. How silly for Peter to be worried about this. Apparently Peter has not ridden in the back of a plane lately. Whoever gets to sit in the back two rows of the plane get an Uzi each. The 40th person to use the restroom on a Transatlantic flight gets an RPG.


I have two words for you, Continental: Sleeper cells.

I think Peter King just threatened Continental airlines with a terrorist attack.

This week, instead of comparing one current player to an old-timer,

Please say we get a run down of the HoF selections that are possible! Please, please, this is all I want for the new year, another HoF debate.

I'll set up Saturday's Pro Football Hall of Fame selection meeting by doing something absolutely stupid,

He will be voting for players based on actual performance and not basing it on how much he liked that player or how many times that player granted him an interview. Stupid, but yet so fair.

As one of the selectors, I'm always surprised by the vote. So this is a dangerous exercise, and I make it clear that it's one man's opinion, nothing more.

Too late, I have photocopied this article 4,000 times and sent it out to everyone I know. Everyone thinks this is your opinion, I even sent two to Matt Ryan, now he will never talk to you again because he thinks you are stupid.

My only question is whether the voters will look at the gaudy numbers being put up by Tony Gonzalez and those behind him and wonder if Sharpe's totals will be passed by three or four tight ends in the next decade or so.

Not only can the Hall of Fame voting committee nominate and vote people into the Hall of Fame, they can also predict future statistics of current players. This is what irritates me about HoF committees, the criteria they use. Is it too hard to base a player's merits on his achievements and statistics? Don't base it on how nice of a person he was, whether he was voted to All Star games, who will be voted in the future and what their numbers will look like, nor base it on who has gotten in the HoF in the past. It's ok for one person's numbers to look good compared to another HoF and still not make it in the HoF because those numbers aren't seen as being excellent anymore.

I'm a big Wilson supporter because of how he propped up the AFL in its struggling days in the early '60s. (I'm not sure the Raiders would have ever reached three years old without Wilson's under-the-table loan to keep them afloat.) I also like him because he has been such a loyal backer of the Buffalo franchise when he's had multiple chances to move and make bazillions.

Kind of like when they played home games in Toronto this year?

I'm no fan of Pro Bowl berths, because they've become so diluted, but making 12 in a row, as McDaniel did, has to count for something.

"I am not a fan of using this specific criteria to judge a player, I think it is almost meaningless now, but the fact the player achieved this specific meaningless criteria 12 times mysteriously has meaning to me for some reason. Maybe it is the voices in my head."

1. I think the Jets have just sent the divorce papers to Brett Favre. When owner Woody Johnson said Thursday in New York that Favre would have to participate in the offseason program if he wanted to return, he was echoing something felt in the Jets locker room and said openly after the season by safety Kerry Rhodes.

What an insane demand. Why should Favre have to prove he wants to be a part of the team and interact with his teammates? He is Brett fucking Favre, the man who threw 22 touchdowns (and 22 interceptions this year) he is the all time leader in the NFL (in interceptions) and has been to two Super Bowls (one less than Kurt Warner and as many as Ben Roethlisberger), and has won one Super Bowl (as many as Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson). He doesn't need no stinkin' offseason program!

Problem is, Favre will never attend a team's full offseason program.

Could that be because he is a self interested, self involved prick? Or because he has no interest in being a member of a team and would rather do things his way on his own, regardless of whether they are successful or not?

"I've never been in a [full] offseason program,'' Favre told me a month ago.

Unless you want to count going to rehab for a Vicodin addiction. Rimshot!

What makes the most sense now is, sometime after the Super Bowl, Favre and the Jets having an amicable separation, and Favre retiring.

Brett's ego will never let this happen. Peter King stated on a radio show yesterday Favre still will likely end up with the Minnesota Vikings.

2. I think, with no games this weekend, that I'll have Phil Savage, the former Browns' general manager who scouted all the practices at the Senior Bowl in Mobile last week, check in with his thoughts on the movers and shakers among the prospects there:

Sure, get the opinion of the guy who just got fired, that sounds really smart.

a. The senior quarterback group is not strong. Matt Stafford and Mark Sanchez [juniors from Georgia and USC, respectively] must have known if they came out, they'd go high. ... I liked the arm of Rhett Bomar, the Sam Houston State quarterback. He got a lot of exposure here and kept himself alive.

I don't like Mark Sanchez, I want to go ahead and get that out. I do think Rhett Bomar is going to be a good QB somewhere in the NFL. I have seen him play and it may take a couple of years but I could see him starting somewhere in a few years.

b. Alex Mack, the center from Cal, distanced himself from the pack at his position. He probably got himself into late in the first round.

If anyone needs a reason to root against this man, just think of how many "Secret World of Alex Mack" jokes we may have to endure if Mack ever became any good at pro football. Ok, maybe I am the only one would make that joke and I have never watched that show, so don't mock me.

e. Brian Robiskie, the Ohio State wide receiver, has had his speed questioned, but you can tell this is a kid who'd been to NFL camps and worked with his dad, because in the one-on-ones, he was very prepared and competitive. He's probably still a mid-round pick, but he's a good third-receiver type, a possession type who will make some plays with his size and his hands.

(Coughing) Paging John Fox...

f. Rey Maualuga is a first- and second-down run defender. Not sure if he's going to be a great third-down player.

This, my friends, is why Phil Savage got fired. I have seen Maualuga play several times and would use my lack of expertise to disagree. He doesn't seem to struggle that much in passing situations when I watch him.

I would think Pat White's a receiver, probably, but he can be a third quarterback type and play the wildcat. He adds a dimension to the Wildcat because he can throw.

Another brilliant Phil Savage insight. That added wrinkle missing from Miami's Wildcat was Ronnie Brown throwing the ball! Wait...the Dolphins did throw the ball out of the Wildcat, nevermind.

The great thing about taking a left tackle is if he doesn't pan out, he'll be able to be a right tackle.

How did Phil Savage get fired with such great insight? I wish I was taking notes because this is brilliance in action. Just move a failed LT to RT, and he will automatically be a great player. Why did the Packers not think of this with Tony Mandarich? I am sure there is no correlation between a player sucking at LT and sucking at RT, because they are such similar positions and all.

4. I think, speaking of the Saints, I don't like the naming of Gregg Williams as defensive coordinator.

Oh no, this is worse than Hurricane Katrina, Peter King doesn't like this move!

I love it. He'll bring toughness and an accountability I didn't see with the New Orleans D last year.

You got me again, you silly little bitch!

5. I think the Browns must really like the Bill Belichick tree, and Baltimore. In 2005, they hired an under-the-radar general manager from Baltimore, Phil Savage, who had cut his teeth as an apprentice on the Belichick staff in Cleveland in the mid-90s; and they hired a coach, Romeo Crennel, who'd coached under Belichick with the Patriots and Jets.

In 2008, they have hired an under-the-radar general manager from Baltimore, George Kokinis, who cut his teeth as an apprentice on the Belichick staff in Cleveland in the mid-90s; and they hired a coach, Eric Mangini, who'd coached under Belichick with the Patriots and Jets. I hear the Browns have whacked 15 people since Mangini took over. And to think people in the front office were worried about a mass purge if Scott Pioli had taken the GM job.

I am still confused, isn't this just an extension of the Bill Parcells tree? Either way, everyone should love the Bill Belichick tree, it has been so damn successful.

I knew Peter would not go an entire week without mentioning Bill Belichick in some capacity.

I think I'm still mulling the outcome of this game. I thought I was sold on the Cards for a while, but I spent time last week talking to coaches and defensive backs who have played Larry Fitzgerald, and there's a good deal of faith out there that the Steelers won't get ramrodded by this great player. Give me a few days to noodle on the outcome.

"Noodle on the outcome?" What the hell does that mean?

By the way, I JUST realized John Madden and Al Michaels are going to be calling the Super Bowl. As if I need another reason to watch the game on mute.

a. For the love of urinals: My SI pro football editor, Mark Mravic, was quite taken with my note on the Jerome Bettis urinals with the picture window in last week's column. Manhattanite Mravic reports: "There's a bar in Soho where the doors of the bathrooms are floor-to-ceiling clear glass, but somehow frost over when you close the door. It's very disconcerting; you really have to trust whatever the technology is.'' Bar 89 is the name. Saw the doors online, and they're a tad strange.

In related news, Peter King has just invited Brett Favre to dinner at Bar 89 and will be sure to fill him up on a lot of water, you know, just to look at the technology when Brett goes to take a piss.

c. You and the boys are in our thoughts and prayers, Mike. Be careful. I'll make sure Warner knows how much this means to you.

That certainly doesn't seem like a message that could be delivered over any other medium rather than Internet, and could be delivered a lot faster. Which will Sgt. McGuire get first? A text message, phone call or a mention in a column posted online? Hmmm...

e. I really want to meet Bruce Springsteen this week. Is that too much to ask?

Yes, it is. Bruce would probably not like this. You are boring and would talk about your latest colonoscopy or how you get irritated at how people don't make a full and complete stop at a stop sign.

i. Finally did some catching up with the sixth season of Curb Your Enthusiasm in the past few days. It doesn't get much better than Larry getting caught stealing flowers from his best friend's mom's memorial site. Might not sound funny, but it is.

That does sound very funny. It was especially funny when I actually watched that episode over a year ago. It is 2009, I don't need an explanation for the premise of an episode for a popular television show that is almost 2 years old.

j. Hey, Tom Verducci: Sounds like you might have captured the real Joe Torre. Look forward to reading the book.

Is that some sort of shot that Joe Torre is an asshole? Peter cheers for the Red Sox and he always knew the Yankees were assholes. It's finally proven! It doesn't matter, maybe if Peter read the web site of the company he works for, he would have seen this.

Sounds like he should have said, "Hey Tom Verducci: Sounds like you might have captured the real third person narrative account of the time Joe Torre spent with the New York Yankees."

Verducci says in the article linked above:

Smart people will judge the book upon actually reading it and not reading preliminary reports prior to its publication.

That explains Peter King's last sentence well enough for me.