Ten Things I Think I Think Peter King Has Not Thought Of: Everyone's A Jerk Edition

I am still recovering from trying to dissect an entire Gregg Easterbrook column. I have a backload of columns that I want to mention just a few things about, so I thought today would be a good day to cover those. I realize some of these stories are a few days old but just stay with me.

1. You can't go wrong starting with a Woody mailbag. Except this time, instead of Woody being the sole idiot, he gets help from readers.

Woody - I think the Broncos should shift to a 3-4 defense, move Champ Bailey to FS, draft USC linebacker Rey Maualuga, draft or sign a beast nose tackle, draft or sign a beast SS, and sign Ray Lewis. That would go a long way to solving our defensive problems. What do you think? -- MJ, Phoenix

Sure, moving arguably the best cover cornerback in the league to a different position, signing a great MLB, then drafting another great MLB (or what he projects to be), and signing two other great defensive players sounds like a great idea. I wonder why the Broncos have not thought about this yet? They should just go do this.

I just found a way to fix the Bengals! Trade Chad Johnson for Albert Haynesworth and a 1st round pick, franchise tag T.J. Housmananandnddndzzzzzzzzz then trade him for a 1st and 2nd round pick, sign Matt Cassel, trade Carson Palmer for a 1st, 2nd, 3rd round pick, and then use those picks to draft all of the good players in the draft at each respective position. Simple as that and the Bengals will be in the playoffs for years upon years.

I love these fantasy/Madden moves that people can think are easily made...and by people I mean, Bill Simmons thinks this is possible also.

Woody - What was your favorite sports story of 2008? Mine is a tie between the Chauncey Billups trade and the Miami Dolphins. Thanks. -- Mike, Denver

Favorite sports story? Gosh, the Miami Dolphins and the Chauncey Billups trade are up there at say, numbers 145 and 398 respectively for the past year, but I would have to say either Michael Phelps winning 8 gold medals, the Tampa Bay Rays making the World Series, or the other tons of things that happened this year that would come to mind before those two events.

Not a bad question but this reader gave two stories that were way low on the list of good sports stories for 2008, even if they were his favorite, I am nitpicking him.

Dear Mr. Paige - We get "Around the Horn" here in Israel, and I have become a big fan of yours over the past three years. So much so, that I have named my fantasy football team "Would he Paige?" We play in an ultra-competitive, 14-team league with people who are football junkies. And guess what? "Would he Paige?" have been crowned champions! So thanks for inspiring a great championship team. Who knows? Perhaps you could do the same thing for the Nuggets and help them become bound for glory this season. From your biggest Israeli fan. -- Tal, Jerusalem

How sweet, Woody has fans in other countries.

Tal - I've always wanted to come to Israel, until I found about the fantasy football team and that name.

I'm humbled; I'm honored. But please change the name to something more appropriate than "Would he Paige?"

And Woody Paige is an ungrateful dick.

"Thank you so much for taking the time to read my columns and watch me on television. I just wish you were not such an uncreative dumbass. You are a stupid foreigner and I hate you."- Woody Paige

2. Maybe Marvin Harrison IS evil. Somewhere Gregg Doyel nods knowingly.

But over the course of Marvin Harrison's 13 years in the NFL, the Colts receiver has built an All-Pro career behind a firewall of privacy. Quiet precision defines his every move. On the field, he starts each route identically, forcing defenders to guess where he's headed. In the locker room, he sits facing his tidy booth, away from the media and teammates. At home, he keeps each touchdown ball he's ever caught in its own box.

So he runs precise routes, is quiet, and keeps all of his career memories in their own box to maintain their pristine condition? Hmmm...doesn't this sound a lot like Jeffrey Dahmer, who made precise cuts to his victims, was quiet so the police would not catch on to his crimes, and kept his victims in the fridge to maintain their bodies in pristine condition?

The parallels are eerie.

He once told a Philadelphia Inquirer reporter that he loved Anita Baker—then refused to divulge his favorite song.

If I said I liked James Blunt, I may also refuse to tell someone my favorite song, because I would be kind of embarrassed about it. Doesn't make me a bad person.

I heard Marvin Harrison also said he liked Pizza Hut but would not tell anyone the kind of dressing he puts on his salad at the salad bar. He is hiding something.

The QB said he didn't know Harrison well until he visited him in Philly one off-season. "There's a Marvin in Philly and a Marvin in Indianapolis," he said.

Some people are different in their hometown. I would say popular athletes are more prone to having a different persona in their hometown, simply because they are not only athletes there, but also grew up as children in that city, so everyone knows them, or thinks they do. I am making enough excuses for Harrison, where did they find the bodies he had hidden again?

More than nostalgia brings him back. Over the past six years, Harrison has been buying up his childhood stomping grounds. In 2003, he acquired the West Thompson Street garage now called Chuckie's for just $10,210. The next year, he added a bar a few blocks away, on North 28th Street, which he runs as Playmakers—the place where his feud with Dixon began. In all, Harrison owns 20 North Philly properties, many clustered around the block where he once lived. And he is no absentee landlord. Kids on their way to school recently saw Harrison fixing the shutters on one of his places. In contrast to other stars who've invested in urban real estate, though, Harrison hasn't announced grand revitalization plans. The businesses he supports—the garage, the bar, his mom's Italian restaurant, his aunt's soul food place—are neighborhood joints. And while he's well-known in the area, he isn't known well.

Unbelievable. He gives back to his community with not just money, but also actually works to support the businesses as well. What's his angle, this quiet and incredibly suspicious man?

Why do I feel like everyone who writes about Marvin Harrison thinks he is the elderly neighbor from "Home Alone," where everyone peeks out the window at him and just assumes something suspicious is going down?

Here is a turn that makes my defending him look stupid. Is everyone ready for crazy ass Marvin Harrison? Here is comes...

On Jan. 4, 2003, before kickoff of an AFC wild-card game at the Meadowlands, Harrison was catching passes from Manning as Jets ball boys shagged punts from New York's Matt Turk. One of them, a 23-year-old Long Islander named Matt Prior, threw a ball downfield that bounced near Harrison. According to a New Jersey Sports and Exposition Authority report—and two people on the field—No. 88 felt the toss violated his personal space. He charged Prior, bumping him in the chest.

Ok, Marvin Harrison clearly has a temper.

Prior asked Harrison to back away. Instead, Harrison grabbed Prior by the throat and lifted him off the ground. While fans watching on the stadium's video screen chanted for their ball boy to fight back, players and workers tried to separate the two.

I guess maybe this is why Marvin Harrison is quiet and keeps to himself. If he talks to anyone, he has an insatiable need to fuck them up.

On the evening of Feb. 10, 2005, three nights before the Pro Bowl, he and two men were walking along a row of stores at the Hilton Hawaiian Village hotel in Honolulu. According to a police report—and a witness—Harrison was talking on his cell when a group of teenage fans asked for his autograph. Harrison declined, and when the fans kept pestering him, he and his friends turned on them. The Pro Bowler took a swing at one fan, then grabbed him by the throat and put an arm around his neck.

The lesson to be learned here is to wear a turtle neck when confronting Marvin Harrison...and also never talk to, look at, or breathe the same air Marvin Harrison breathes. Seems pretty easy enough to me.

In the end, the seeming contradiction between Harrison's statements about his gun and ballistics tests placing the gun at the scene were not enough for Abraham to move forward. So Harrison can sit back in his beach chair on West Thompson Street and keep watch on his block.

I am willing to admit maybe Marvin Harrison has a little temper and I really, really wonder why I have never heard these stories before this. I still don't think Harrison should be more like T.O., like Gregg Doyel wants him to be, but I do think Marvin Harrison keeps to himself for a reason. He has uncontrollable rage or maybe he has an urge to kill, either way, I will never talk to him if I see him in public.

3. I think we can all agree Anquan Boldin is a jerk. What I don't get is the team is doing fantastic without a huge contribution from him, so I don't know why he thinks he has a ton of leverage.

I just wonder if Boldin isn't costing himself some money here, too. He doesn't want to be a Cardinal anymore. I think he's made that pretty clear. But who's going to want to give a guy a huge contract when he's fighting with a coach when he should probably be happy about going to a Super Bowl?

I would think that Anquan Boldin is costing himself tons of money with his antics on the sidelines. Teams can put up with players who have hissy fits and get into it with coaches at times. As long as it is perfectly clear the player wants to win and that is why he is getting emotional, teams and fans accept behavior like this. Boldin was playing in the NFC Championship Game and his team won that game and he still acted like a baby. I don't know how he could make it any more clear he is out for himself.

In the game, Boldin got into a heated argument with offensive coordinator Todd Haley. After the game, instead of celebrating with his team, Boldin abruptly left the field, then abruptly left the locker room.

This just confuses me. I remember Boldin was not happy with his contract in training camp but then I did not hear anything about this for the rest of the season. Then he chooses one of the 3 biggest (by people watching and media coverage) games of the year to throw a hissy fit that he was not getting the ball? I don't know how he could have worse timing. Terrell Owens and Dallas have proven that team chemistry has a little bit to do with the success of a team over the season. What team is going to want a player who is not happy his team made the Super Bowl for the first time?

It's disappointing to see from Boldin. He showed such unbelievable selflessness and courage by coming back from a catastrophic injury earlier in the season.

My theory is the head injury Boldin suffered made him realize he was not going to be playing this game forever and he wants to get paid while he can. I have no idea why he decided to show his frustration on national television in the biggest game of the franchise's history. Maybe he is mad Larry Fitzgerald would not show him where he gets his dreads braided at.

4. Mike Freeman thinks Tiger Woods should not be an athlete but an activist. Somehow I get the feeling if Tiger supported John McCain, Mr. Freeman would think quite differently.

I have a dream: That one day Woods will care about something other than making money.

I have a reality: Tiger cares about being the greatest golfer that ever lived and he seems to care about his family as well. He seems to want to do whatever it takes to make sure his family is taken care of and he is known as the absolute greatest golfer ever.

Woods is usually so relentlessly apolitical and position-phobic, he borders on cowardly. Taking stands jeopardizes commercial dollars, Q-ratings and selling cars. Being meek jeopardizes nothing.

Why does he have to take a position on everything and why does he need to jeopardize something? I can't stand it when one person tells another person what to think or gives a suggestion on how one should live his life. Shut up.

Woods' meek appearance had the smell of bandwagon jumping. Too late, Tiger. Some of us know what you're doing, which is being overtly opportunistic.

So Tiger is taking a position by supporting Obama and is jumping on his bandwagon? Sounds like that is what you are criticizing Tiger for not doing, but yet saying he is doing. Interesting way to JemeHill this argument.

Mike thinks Tiger is being opportunistic by supporting Obama as well. Unlike the countless other athletes and celebrities who have come out supporting either candidate, those are just people who geniuinely cared. You know how you can tell the difference? You can't, only Mike Freeman can.

In this matter and this matter only Woods is not so different from uber-opportunist Don King, the boxing promoting clown who has been parading around in recent days waving American flags and proclaiming his love for Obama. King is a staunch Republican who backed McCain.

So backing the other candidate and then reversing course and supporting Obama is "not so different" as not saying anything at all and then showing up at a pre-inauguration rally for Obama? In what world is this true? In "I want to cause a discussion and make sure my column gets read, so I am going to say something completely controversial" World?

When you take some out of their comfort zone, it frightens them, and they react unkindly, even violently. If you want to see the reaction to what it's like to take a position, look at the message board below this story.

Wow, Mike Freeman can't understand the difference in saying something unprovoked and untrue and taking people out of their comfort zone. He thinks if you say something borderline untrue then you are taking people out of their comfort zone, when in fact you couldjust be starting an argument for no reason.

I have always thought that 95% of men who have Korean descent in them are horrible drivers.

If I got 10,00 emails saying how dumb I am, I am being truthful, just taking you out of your comfort zone and the fact many disagree with me just proves that. At least that is what Mike Freeman thinks.

I think it is funny how the media wants certain athletes to shut up and others to speak out, but which one they want to do each of these all depends on their opinion on a subject.

5. Everyone thinks Pete Carroll is such a jerk for wanting Matt Sanchez to stay in school. Gregg Doyel disagrees and I agree with him...for once.

Me, I heard something different. I heard Carroll being fed up with Sanchez, and with the people around Sanchez.

You mean the people who stand to make a few bucks from Sanchez going to the NFL this year? I am sure they are being completely impartial.

He said, "We don't see this decision the same. Mark's going against the grain, and he knows that." And he said, "I am disappointed the information we have wasn't compelling enough to make it clear to him (to stay)."

I think college coaches generally have their player's best interests at heart and also are able to better decipher whether a player should enter the draft than family members. Pete Carroll has never stopped a player from going professional before and so if he tells me, as a player, I am not ready to go, I would respect him and listen. Carroll just doesn't want to see Sanchez go to the draft when he is not ready. I believe that, because he has plenty of good backups that can play well at USC, and the fact he has never stopped a player from going pro before this supports that he is not just looking out for his program.

Coach K advised William Avery to not go pro after his sophomore year and it wasn't because he wanted to keep him around for his own purposes, it was because he did not think he was ready. Same thing with Josh McRoberts. Where are they now?

Kris Humphries was told by the ex-head coach for Minnesota he was not ready for the pros, he went anyway, and I think he is out of the league now.

Those are two examples but I am sure there are others. College coaches have no reason to lie to a player, especially a coach who runs a player factory like USC does.

In April of his freshman season, Sanchez was arrested after a female USC student accused him of sexual assault. I'm not accusing Sanchez of anything. Guilty, innocent, I don't know. The charges were eventually dropped, but Sanchez's arrest was one in a long line of negative off-field stories Carroll and the USC program had to endure.

Carroll stood by Sanchez during that whole ordeal, and stood by him over the next two seasons as Sanchez battled a broken thumb in 2007 and a dislocated kneecap in '08. Sanchez spent just one season as the Trojans' starter, this season.

One season as a starter? Does he sound ready to you?

Me, I heard something else. I heard Carroll being fed up. Carroll knew Sanchez had initially been leaning toward staying. Carroll knew that he then told Sanchez, based on conversations with NFL people -- and Carroll knows NFL people; he once was head coach of the Jets and Patriots -- that Sanchez's pro career would be better served with one more year of college. And still Sanchez turned pro early.

Maybe a little bit of it is selfish for Carroll because he wants to coach Sanchez next year, but if he truly believes he made the wrong decision, why does he have to publicly support him? Considering Carroll has placed Carson Palmer, John David Booty, Matt Leinart and (yes) Matt Cassell in the NFL over the past 8 years, it seems he knows a thing or two about Sanchez's chances in the draft.

I don't think Carroll has to publicly support Sanchez if he thinks it is a bad decision.

6. JemeHill complains about her own coverage of athletes.

I wish I'd seen the Myron Rolle interview in which he expressed his desire to bring specialized medicine to underdeveloped countries as much as I've seen the grainy footage of Adam "Pacman" Jones frequenting yet another strip club.

It's funny, you actually have the power to interview Myron Rolle. You are a journalist and can do this.

I'm as guilty as most columnists. I've written twice about O.J., once about T.O., and once about Brett Favre, giving selfish athletes a platform when Rolle has done something so extraordinary it's worth 100 columns.

Yep, exactly. I am surprised JemeHill did not start the column off with this following premise:

"Most people think Myron Rolle is making the wrong decision to go to Oxford, but I don't think he is."

It's a nice change from the wrong premise set up she usually uses.

It would be one thing if Rolle were just a scrub, but he has started virtually every game since his freshman year and was the Seminoles' third-leading tackler this season.

Oh yeah, if he was just a scrub, the fact he was a Rhodes Scholarship recepient would be much less impressive to everyone. Only really good athletes should get good coverage for Rhodes Scholarship, while the backups, well that is expected of them because they are backups. The backups need something to fall back on since they are not going to play in the NFL after all.

Of course we basing this on the assumption that all starting college athletes are stupid and the backups are geniuses, which is also the assumption JemeHill makes.

I only wish there 20 million more people like him. I'd rather read 1,000 more stories about Rolle than one more about whether Plaxico Burress should remain a Giant.

Maybe you should start doing more of this. I think there is room for feel good writers on the ESPN staff, let's check and see if you can get the feel-good beat:

Bill Simmons- Boston area beat
Rick Reilly- Anything non-athletics related beat...actually should not be on the site
Gregg Easterbrook- Lack of football knowledge beat
Gene W.- Chicago area beat
Scoop Jackson- Urban beat
JemeHill- incorrect premise/Detroit area beat

I think there is room.

It's too bad our infatuation with talented athletes who are hopelessly immature and irresponsible prevents us from fully appreciating someone like Rolle and giving him the attention he deserves.

By "our" you must mean "mine and ESPN's" infatuation. Don't drag me or anyone else into this. I saw a front page story about how Steve Smith punched Ken Lucas in the face but I did not see any mention there about how he donated $25,000 to the local band that performed at halftime of the NFC Divisional Playoff Game. That is the first thing that came to my mind as an example but there are tons of other similar examples.

"Your" infatuation, not ours. Don't drag everyone into this argument when you are the one who writes the columns.

7. How about a Peter King MMQB Tuesday Edition follow up?

VERY INTERESTING THOUGHT. From Bill W., of Boston: "I think Mike Martz should come to the Patriots to either be offensive coordinator or receivers coach/assistant head coach so Bill Belichick can focus on the defense. He got a bum deal at his last two stops with bad players and bad upper management. This would be the place to vindicate himself and his career. Running his system with our personnel would be mind-numbing. Would this ever happen?''

Knowing what little I know about Bill Belichick and Mike Martz, I don't care how great of friends they are, this would never work. Granted, Martz has been two very bad places recently but I don't see the problem with the offense New England is currently running and I think anything Martz would do would get in the way.

Well, Bill, you and I know both know how much Belichick loves Martz, and vice versa. I think this is an interesting thought, and I wouldn't dismiss it, not at all, because Belichick is not afraid of new ideas and, in fact, looks for them all the time.

Peter King knows Bill Belichick is not afraid of anything, especially new ideas. Actually, Belichick is afraid of Peter King and that is the reason for the restraining order he has against him.

TOUCHÉ. From Tip, of Springfield, Mass.: "Maybe the reason Julius Peppers wants out of Carolina isn't because he wants to play in a 3-4. Perhaps he wants to play on a team where the QB doesn't give up the ball six times in a playoff game.''

Hahaha!! Great stuff, Tip. Not your comment, but your name is Tip. Hilarious.

It would not surprise me if Peppers has grown weary of the Panthers falling just short.

The Panthers are always just falling short. The three times in the 7 seasons Peppers has played for them, they always are on the cusp and fall short. When I think teams that always just fall short (from the Super Bowl? I am going to assume that is it), I don't think the obvious teams like Philadelphia, Indianapolis, or even Seattle, teams that seem to always get in the playoffs from year to year, yet haven't won multiple titles, I think of the team that has made it three times in the past 7 years and other than that is pretty mediocre. The Panthers have been a consistently average team during John Fox's reign as head coach but every year 31 teams fall short of the Super Bowl, so I doubt that is Peppers' reasoning. I could be wrong.

DRIVE, IDIOT. DON'T TALK. From John Murdzek, of San Diego: "You should read an article by Tara Parker-Pope on the New York Times Web site entitled 'A Problem of the Brain, Not the Hands: Group Urges Phone Ban for Drivers' before your next road trip to Pittsburgh or anywhere else. According to this article, "Drivers talking on a cell phone [hand-held or hands-free] are four times as likely to have an accident as drivers who are not. That's the same level of risk posed by a driver who is legally drunk.' You seem like a reasonable person, so is getting work done on your drives more important than somebody else's life?''

Wow. Very interesting. Thanks for the advice. I will read the story.

Peter won't ever stop doing this, but he will read the article, which should do...........nothing.

8. Apparently someone, somewhere is writing off the Patriots and Don Banks will have none of that.

At least that was the conventional wisdom circulating around the league last week, with some speculating that we had just witnessed the eve of destruction for this decade's only NFL dynasty.

Thinking the Patriots are not going to be good next year does not count as "wisdom." They will be very good. They won 11 games without their starting quarterback after all.

Longtime New England special teams coach Brad Seely left to become Eric Mangini's new assistant head coach/special teams coordinator in Cleveland, and just Monday the brain drain continued when Dom Capers, who served as the Patriots special assistant/secondary, signed on as Green Bay's defensive coordinator.

Is Bill Belichick still there? How about Tom Brady? Even coming off an injury, Peter King tells me they can franchise Matt Cassel, I think the Patriots are going to be fine.

I just want to know who is saying the Patriots are not going to be good next year. They miss the playoffs one year, a year they win 11 games, lose a couple of coaches, and all of a sudden they are a team on the downswing.

The competition is no doubt tougher in the AFC East these days, but the Patriots still can look at their division and see the rival Jets starting over to a degree with a new head coach (Rex Ryan) and a new quarterback (likely no Brett Favre). Miami is a force to be respected and reckoned with again, but you have to think the Dolphins won't be slipping up on anyone in 2009, and thus their 11-5 record of this season might not be easily matched. And in Buffalo, the disappointing Bills can't seem to break out of their 7-9 funk. The days of 2007-level domination might be over in New England, but this isn't a division or a conference that has left the Patriots behind.

Sometimes I wish writers could just leave well enough alone and not write about obvious subject matters. They went 11-5 in a year where they did not have Tom Brady, things can only go up from there for them next year. I really would like to know who thinks the Patriots are done now they have lost coordinators and other coaches on the staff.

4) The Patriots still have Belichick. That means they still have at their disposal the league's best all-in-one package of coaching skill and personnel evaluation.

Exactly. They don't appear to be going anywhere. I am glad we got this cleared up. I think this article needs to go under "articles that did not need to be written."

9. Rick Reilly gets paid millions of dollars for articles like this, often called puff pieces.

Looks like he is trying to write the feel good stories at ESPN. Back away JemeHill!

Obama is a football freak, so he'll be watching next Sunday when the world finally gets a load of Fitzgerald's son—the anti-T.O.—a receiver who catches everything and brags about nothing, who climbs his own invisible staircase to get to footballs, who dresses and speaks impeccably and travels the world alone in the off-season, taking in museums.

Larry Fitzgerald is the anti-T.O. Partially because T.O. has never been accused of hitting his baby's mama. Of course Fitzgerald may be innocent but when Rick Reilly writes his puff pieces he doesn't really pay attention to anything that detracts from the picture he wants to present.

Just like in the Kerry Collins puff piece he did a few weeks ago about how Collins did not make excuses in the past for his behavior at any point, yet was quoted in the past as saying he thought the racial epiphet would cause the team to bond closer. Larry Fitzgerald is probably innocent because it seemed weird these allegations came out in early January when the event happened in mid-October, but you would not know much about it, because Reilly doesn't even mention it in passing. I don't expect an expose or anything like that but this just proves to me Reilly is the worst kind of reporter, he picks and chooses facts to include in his columns.

10. In college basketball, I think the Big East is the best conference in the nation, but I am afraid they are going to be so busy beating up on each other all year, there may not be much left for March. If you forced me to choose a Final Four at this point, I would say UNC (I am not giving up on them, we will see a good amount of stories about how others gave up on them after those two loses to WFU and BC, but I won't do this), UConn, Oklahoma, and Louisville.

What do I know though?