It's March and the First A-Rod Is A Choker In October Article Has Been Written

After last night's exciting U.S. win over Puerto Rico in the 9th inning, I expected to see articles talking about how exciting the WBC can be. Instead Mariotti shitted all over the series and talked about how no one likes it. There was one positive article on CBS Sportsline but overall no one seems to care that much. I have said it once before and I will say it again, the WBC should be moved to a different time that is not March and every U.S. game should possibly televised on a channel that most Americans can get that is not the MLB Network. That would fix a couple of the problems the WBC is having with Americans caring. There is no room for love for the WBC with the NCAA Tournament and Spring Training starting.

So I am left with Wallace Matthews and his article wondering why A-Rod chokes in October. And yes, it is currently March and it does seem a bit early for this type article.

You look at these photos of Alex Rodriguez kissing himself in a mirror, or lounging on a bed gazing lovingly at his own image, and only one question comes to mind:

This picture had me thinking 3 questions:

1. Why does A-Rod hate himself and want to ruin his public image? Hasn't he caused enough of his own suffering?

2. A-Rod really, really loves himself.

3. This is perhaps the stupidiest fucking thing I have seen in a long time.

Where the heck is this guy in October?

(Bengoodfella shaking his head disapprovingly) No Wallace, that's not what anyone is thinking.

I don't look at a picture of Jodie Sweetin and immediately think, I wonder why she got addicted to crystal meth and has been divorced twice in the past 4 years? I wonder why anyone would take a picture of her anymore.

I don't look at the commercial with Derek Jeter in it for that deodorant and immediately think of how clutch he is. Normal people don't do this. Clearly, Wallace is not normal.

What happens to this guy, who apparently is so completely comfortable with himself that he doesn't fear embarrassment or failure or ridicule?

One is a picture that was taken and the other is hitting a baseball in a certain month of the year. They are two completely different things and require completely different talents. Just because A-Rod is comfortable enough to make himself look dumb doesn't mean he should be able to hit a baseball any better in a select small sample size that is the month of October.

How many American men would have the guts to admit they have a favorite Madonna song in the first place?

I hate Madonna and think she is and always will be beyond ugly. I would have to say "Take A Bow" would be mine though. Maybe it is the pseudo-erotic video, Babyface's background vocals, or the overall feel of the song. It is the only song by Madonna I don't turn off if it is on.

That sound you heard was my ManCard immediately being revoked. I should have to watch the entire season of "Ax Men" as punishment.

The man in those photos obviously craves himself some attention, every bit he can get, good and bad. Like his mentor, Madame Madonna, the only thing he seems to fear is indifference. Forget batting average, home runs, RBI or OPS. This A-Rod, like Madonna, is all about what the marketing flacks call TOMA, which stands for Top of Mind Awareness.

I really was hoping Wallace wasn't going to finish this article. Apparently I was wrong. I feel like I am trying to explain something to a child. Except the child is Wallace Matthews and the "something" is why there is no correlation between the poses in pictures taken for a magazine and whether that person can hit a baseball in October.

A-Rod wants attention and he wants to market himself. It is pretty simple why he feels the need to do crap like take bizarre pictures.

It took me 1 second to hate the very idea of TOMA.

A guy like that should be the greatest pressure hitter in the history of baseball.

This makes absofuckinglutley no sense. Zero sense. If TOMA had a correlation with clutch hitting, then I would venture to say Anna Kournikova would have won Wimbledon, Peyton Manning would have a better record of performance in the playoffs, and nearly every single person who had TOMA would be great at what they do in the playoffs.

The worst part is that Wallace doesn't expect them to be great overall if they have this magical TOMA, he thinks they should be great in small select sample sizes. The fact what I am writing makes little sense should tell you my source material makes even less sense.

Just because A-Rod can kiss himself in a mirror doesn't mean he can hit a Justin Verlander curveball in a full count in October.

The Alex Rodriguez who is profiled in the current issue of Details magazine, along with those, um, provocative photos, is clearly a man who lives in a bubble impervious to criticism, judgment or insult.

Everyone knows A-Rod deeply cares what others think. That is his M.O. and has been for a few years now. He just happens to also screw everything up frequently. Like with steroids, dating Madonna, and weird ass pictures.

Then, A-Rod grows rabbit ears and develops X-ray vision. Every little sound penetrates his concentration. Every little sight blurs his vision. Every little bit of self-doubt sublets space in his head for the rest of the month.

Theoretically if he had X-ray vision he could see the pitch that was coming. As bad as A-Rod seems to be in October, even he could probably hit the exact pitch he knew was coming.

I don't want to repeat it too much, but some random pictures he takes for a magazine has nothing to do with how well hits a baseball in October. I try to imagine if I just thought of the most off the wall idea I could think of and then presented to my boss. I wonder if my boss would laugh at me or do what Wallace editor did and just let me run with it? I am going to try this.

There really is no easy explanation for the couch case that is A-Rod. From Nov. 1 through Sept. 30, he is Superman. Then, for a month, he turns into Underdog.

Small sample sizes, A-Rod takes a different approach at the plate, good pitching beats good hitting. Those all sound like fairly easy explanations.

The guy who calmly could discuss his Material Girlfriend, knock back shots of Patron and roll around in knee-highs and a tank top the day after being confronted by a Sports Illustrated reporter who had the goods on him should never be affected by the rapt attention of 50,000 people in a ballpark and millions more watching on television.

I feel like I always get cornered into making excuses for A-Rod. Maybe he did all of these things because he was not thinking clearly and was worried about the SI reporter? What makes less sense than why A-Rod would do this, is why Wallace Matthews thinks this has something to do with how A-Rod hits in the postseason.

Besides his postseason numbers aren't completely awful. That is another discussion though.

The October A-Rod would be mortified to be seen kissing his own reflection, or caressing himself on a bed, or admitting that when he's all alone, he likes to crank up "Vogue" on his iPod and dance along with it. (OK, I'm just guessing on that one.)

That A-Rod would lose sleep wondering what SI was going to write about him, and what the reporters were going to ask, and how the fans were going to react, and, probably most of all, what Jeter would think about all of it.

So the October A-Rod worries a lot about what other people think, cares about his public image and doesn't want anyone to think negatively of him? So explain why he opted out of his contract two years ago during the World Series and why October A-Rod did not care at that point what people thought of him.

That A-Rod is the one who locks up on himself and his teammates, who can't hit within 50 points of his weight or within 50 feet of the wall. That A-Rod is the one pitchers can't wait to pitch to, even with the tying runs on base and first base open, as the Cleveland Indians did to him in the 2007 ALDS.

I want to remind everyone that loss to the Indians was completely A-Rod's fault. Completely his fault.

Also A-Rod weighs 190 pounds and he hit .267 in that series against the Indians. That seems to be within 50 points of his weight. Again, I don't want to be your editor, but before you write something, just make sure your facts are semi-correct.

If you're a Yankees fan, it leaves you scratching your head and wondering:

When is A-Rod coming back from surgery?
Will he be in top hitting form when he gets back from surgery?
Who are the Yankees going to replace him with at 3B?
Will Sabathia and Burnett be able to stay healthy all year?
How many games behind the plate will Posada be able to play this year?
Why do we have an excess of outfielders right now? Can't we trade one of them?
Can Robinson Cano bounce back from his poor performance last year?
Is Wallace Matthews drunk?

Why can't we all love A-Rod as much in October as A-Rod appears to love himself in a magazine in March.

Theoretically that is a question Wallace just asked. It should have ended with a question mark.

March Wallace Matthews doesn't get his facts correct, writes articles that don't make a whole hell of a lot of sense and doesn't end his sentences with the proper punctuation. That Wallace Matthews sucks.