Dallas Plays on National Television 17 Times This Year and Woody Paige Speaks Gibberish

I know this may not come as a shock to everyone who reads this blog on a regular basis, but I have a complaint. I know I have previously stated I don't really care about the NFL schedule release, and that is still true. I don't care about sitting down and wasting my day trying to figure out who has the advantage in a game 6 months away or who is playing who and when. I think it is pointless because so many things change from year to year. There is nothing wrong with looking at the schedule and trying to get an overall picture, but analyzing it seems like a waste of time. It may look like the Dolphins have the toughest schedule but they could very well end up playing one of the easiest schedules. Parity is tricky like that. Having said that, I am still nervous that my favorite team has the second hardest strength of schedule to the Dolphins, but I am not concerned enough to really give a shit about it to the point I am going to break down the schedule this early. Everyone else feel free to do it though.

There is one thing I do care about with the schedule though, and that is the schedule of nationally televised football games on Sunday and Monday night. On Sunday and Monday night, those games are the only football games that are on television to watch, so I prefer to see a good mix of teams on those games since I don't get a chance to see every team but I at least don't want to see the same damn team every week. I realize successful teams are going to be on MNF and Sunday Night Football more often, and I can accept that, because they won the most games last year and they deserve to play in front of a large audience. I don't really care if my favorite team is on MNF, I really don't, I just want to be able to watch the game...It IS always fun when they are on national television because when they were on MNF this year I went out and bought good beer (Saranac...ok, maybe not great, great beer but definitely a step above my usual) and watched the game at home with great anticipation. My loved one fortunately was able to sit in a sky box at the game and there was not enough tickets for me to go...and even this did not bring me down (though her constantly texting me and telling me how loud it was and "did you know when a ball hits the goal posts it makes a loud thump?" and "we get free beer" did make extremely jealous). My rambling point is that it is nice to get a Monday Night Football game because everything looks better. The television seems brighter and clearer, the city cleans itself up for its big night, and it is a chance for your favorite team to kick the ass of another team on national television. Basically, great teams deserve to be on national television. Not so great teams don't generally make it but I enjoy seeing them as well...assuming it will be a good game.

Which brings me to this. The Dallas Cowboys, the same team with ZERO playoff wins since 1996 and the team that did not even make the fucking playoffs last year, get 6 nationally televised games this year. I don't give a crap they are opening a new stadium, I don't care that they are a big draw, and I even care less that every redneck in my local area likes them. If you don't make the playoffs, you don't deserve to have 37.5% of your games nationally televised. It's that simple for me. I get so tired of the NFL, ESPN, and FOX shoving this group of dysfunctional losers down my fucking throat. I absolutely hate them. I hate them for their 90's party mentality that was covered very well in Jeff Pearlman's "Boys Will Be Boys" book and I hate them for the fact if Tony Romo sneezes Ed Werder is on the scene with his mid-80's mustache and constant updates on whether Romo's cold is going to prevent him from throwing 2 or 3 interceptions in the second half of a crucial game. Cowboys fans also happen to believe anything that comes out of the mouth of the MSM...partially because the MSM covers them so much it probably seems like they are just an extension of the local media in Dallas. Two years ago the Sporting News had a graph that showed which team had the greatest chances of winning the Super Bowl and the Cowboys were #1 in the NFC. These Cowboys fans hung this graph in their office, like it was the Bible or some other important document that was based on any type of arguable fact. It was a computer model...but to them, this meant their team was the best team in the NFC. Why? The media said so. 5 months later the Cowboys lost their second consecutive home playoff game.

So I think it is more of a co-dependent relationship the Dallas Cowboys and the MSM (or ESPN) have. They continue to televise their games and the Cowboys will continue to make headlines to pump up ratings. ESPN did an interview with Jerry Jones on the 20th anniversary of him buying the team. They would not do that for any other team I can think of. Bottom line, the Cowboys do not deserve 6 nationally televised games and I am pissed off they are going to get shoved down my throat again this year. First off, no NFL team deserves to be nationally televised 6 times in one year (without counting playoff games), and second, if there was a team that deserved it then it is not the 2009 Dallas Cowboys. I just think, what if in another sport 38% of a team's games were nationally televised on a supposedly neutral sports network? That would just seem crazy. Maybe it happens and I don't know about it, but national television games in the NFL are a prize successful teams should get for having a good year in the previous year and to feature exciting matchups between teams in primetime. Dallas did not have a successful year last year and every single one of their games is not an exciting matchup simply because they are involved. They should not get six games nationally televised.

Woody Paige has started speaking in tongues. That is what Dexter Fowler will do to you I guess.

How you gonna keep Dexter Fowler down on the farm after he's seen LoDo?

I have no idea what LoDo is. I want to make very clear the idea of the Rockies not playing Dexter Fowler right now is absolutely insane. I think Dexter Fowler should play a lot of games for the Rockies in centerfield. We all love Ryan Spillborghs, if only because he has a last name I can't spell, but he doesn't have quite the ceiling of Dexter Fowler.

You can tell that Woody Paige had writer's block because this whole article is just Woody using slang wanting Clint Hurdle to put Dexter Fowler in the starting lineup and on the field for the Rockies. He could have summed up what he was trying to say with, "Dexter Fowler is clearly ready for the major leagues as shown by his numbers in the minor leagues and how he has performed at the MLB level this year. I think he should be the everyday centerfielder for the Colorado Rockies. Dex is Next for the Rox."

That would have summed up the entire article...but that would not meet the word count.

What to do? So he decides to piss me off.

How you gonna keep the X-factor down on the farm after he's played in old Yankee Stadium, the Hawaiian League, the Futures All- Star Game, the Olympics and Casper?

That shows he has ability but really means nothing in the overall context of whether he should be the starting centerfielder for the Rockies.

How you gonna keep the switch-hitting center fielder down on the farm after he shook hands with the ex-president in Beijing?

A lot of people have shaken hands with the ex-President. This does not help support the argument for him to play consistently for the Rockies.

How you gonna keep the five-tool carpenter down on the farm after he paused at the plate in his first game as a starter in 2009 to smile at his parents in the stands, then laser his first major-league home run?

Smiling at his parents=not criteria for being a starter. Hitting a homerun=criteria for being a starter.

I think Woody Paige has his finger pretty close to the pulse of the Denver sports scene, so I will not knock him for some things, but his articles many times seem like an 8 year old boy wrote them in his spare time. Even the worst blogger would never write shit like Paige puts out.

How you gonna keep 'im down on the farm after he's seen everything but Par-ree?

See? I have no idea what this means but it doesn't mean Fowler should be the starter in my opinion.

How you gonna keep Fowler out of the everyday lineup after he reached base five times in eight platings (three hits and two walks), drove in two runs, stole a base, caught every ball in center and is hitting .375?

Are these actual factual numbers that Fowler has accumulated? Now these numbers are great proof perhaps he needs to be manning the spacious corners of the Rockies field trying to chase down one of the many long fly balls the pitching staff is going to give up this year. I can get behind this.

Only Fowler, who didn't play, is undefeated among Rox position players. He's 2-0 as a starter, 3-0 overall.

I am pretty sure Fowler did not win those games by himself. For pitchers it is possible to count up how many games a team has won with them starting and have some valid argument for their worth, but with position players it doesn't work as well. That would go back to the old "Scott Brosius is better than A-Rod" argument because the Yankees were successful in the World Series with Brosius and haven't been with A-Rod. Woody should know better than to put numbers like this up.

Dex. AmbiDexterity. Dexciting. Dexponential. Dexhilarating. Dextraordinary?

(I will not stab myself in the eyes with this pen in my left hand, I will not stab myself in the eyes with this pen in my left hand, I will not stab myself in the eyes with this pen in my left hand...)

Dextra, Dextra, read all about him.

Fucking write about him and quit writing gibberish and then I could actually read about him.

The Dex will be the best switch-hitting — or any kind of hitting and fielding — center fielder in Rockies history.

Got milk? Got pressure?

Got milk? That doesn't even make sense. Why do I always feel like I am reading the paper of an 8 year old class clown when I read Woody's columns? Can't his editors have this conversation with him:

(Woody's editor pops in 14 Advil before calling Woody) "Woody, we are dropping the 'Got Milk' comment in your latest article on Dexter Fowler. It really makes no sense."

(Woody thinking of something to write behind him on his blackboard for ATH) "Come on! That's good stuff. Dex is the Bext player for the Rockies. If there was every a Rockies player who deserved a milk mustache, it was Dexter Fowler. They should put the ad in Outdoor Living magazine and we can reach a whole new audience. 'Dex is Next. Got Milk' I can see this as a multi-level platform advertising campaign."

(Woody's editor begins chopping up 14 more Advil and putting them intravenously into his blood stream) "Woody, it still doesn't make sense. Sorry, it is gone." (Hangs up phone angrily)

(Woody begins tearing up)

Fowler was a prep All-America right-handed hitter at Milton (Ga.) High School on the state baseball champions in 2004. However, baseball is not the school's strongest activity. Milton has won every state lacrosse championship, and the boys and girls tennis teams and the gymnastic teams have won multiple state titles. The Milton debate team won a state title, and the theater department was second in state competition. Milton is one of the top academic schools in Georgia.

As if there was any doubt Woody is trying to pump up the word count, we just got a complete background on other sports Dexter Fowler's high school excelled at. Was there no room to give us the average SAT scores for the students or how many free throws the school's head janitor can make in a row?

The Rockies have gotten rid of Willy Ta- veras, Cory Sullivan, Choo Freeman, Jeff Salazar and, finally, Scott Podsednik because Dex was coming

It could have also had something to do with the fact every single of one of those players is in no way qualified to be an everyday centerfielder or even an everyday player. I would hope the Rockies got rid of them because of that reason mostly and not just because Dexter Fowler could play some centerfield this year.

. . . and quick as you can find a restaurant by looking in Dex.

Is Woody drunk? I don't even get this sentence. I feel like I am editing this column and if I was this sentence would get a big red question mark beside it. If someone else gets it, please inform me of what I am missing.

In the home opener Friday, playing in front of the largest crowd of his life, Fowler again started and went 2-for-4.

Spilborghs said Fowler could become one of the best center fielders in baseball.

Fowler did hit .154 last year when he got called up and quite possibly he is being used sparingly to get him used to hitting major league pitching...or maybe Clint Hurdle is an idiot. Either Woody is getting overly excited for good reason and Clint Hurdle should realize Fowler is the best CF on the Rockies roster or the Rockies are smart in not getting Fowler exposed early and keeping his confidence up. Either way, I would appreciate it if Woody wrote an article that made sense and I could understand it.

But, as Hurdle will learn, the Rockies' optimum lineup, offensively and defensively, has Spilborghs in left and Fowler in the center of attention.

Agreed, but for right now maybe the best thing for Fowler right now is to sit the bench every once in a while and work on playing at the major league level. I remember a time when Woody thought Ryan Spillborghs and Seth Smith could replicate Matt Holliday's production. So he doesn't always know what he is talking about. Mostly, I want him to just write normally and not write random rhyming shit.

The Dex and the Rox go together.

Like that.