My Name is the Boston Sports Guy and Everything I Experience Is Exciting and The Greatest of All-Time

I really struggled with what to write about today, because despite the fact my favorite NFL team doesn't draft until somewhere near midnight and just signed the best average quarterback in the NFL to a 5 year extension worth $42 million, I am very excited for the NFL Draft. I generally try to avoid doing mock drafts because they are all speculative but I am going to try and get one up so everyone can make fun of me.

First, Bill Simmons, or as I call him the Boston Sports Guy, has put out a column about how great the Bulls-Celtics series is going to be and how it is going to be an all-time classic. I say over and over that Bill believes anything he experiences or does is the absolute best or is an all-time classic. I read this column and can't ignore it, so I have to cover it. Bill put out an article on Wednesday that was very bizarre, it was about sideline reporters and conversations that should happen. I found it neither offensive nor entertaining, it actually felt really, really long and seemed to lose steam very early. It reminded me of a blog posting I would put up on a day where I had writer's block.

Today, the Boston Sports Guy is back, inventing rules that just happen to prove what he is trying to say is correct and just overall pissing a lot of people off.

There are four scenarios for a memorable first-round series and only four. All are in play for the 2009 NBA playoffs.

This is the first sentence and already Bill is being an ass. There are more than four scenarios for a memorable first round series, we just don't have them this year, but there are more.

For those that did not read Bill's article, he forgot a scenario where two superstars carry on a personal duel to get two generally non-competitive teams into the second round. I can name others but I have like 100,000 more words to dissect of Bill's writing.

Scenario No. 4: An aging, injured, exhausted, depleted heavyweight (Boston) fights off a hungry young challenger that's clearly coming into its own (Chicago).

(Acting shocked) You mean the Celtics meet one of the criteria for a memorable playoff series this year? I would not have expected this. Usually Bill doesn't pay attention to the Celtics.

The best part about all of this is that Bill had put his playoff picks up on his blog and here are how many games he has the Celtics "memorable series" going.

5 games. Hmmm...that doesn't seem so memorable. It's like he watched the first two games of the series and then decided he wanted to talk about what a memorable series and all-time classic it was going to be, so he made up a bunch of rules and pigeon holed them into a column talking about the Celtics. Basically, what he seems to do on a regular basis.

Two disclaimers: The Boston Sports Guy knows more about the NBA than I do, but he also embarrasses Celtics fans everywhere by writing shit like this. He is the reason there are people I know who are Celtics fans who refuse to admit it, like they are fucking alcoholics or something.

I also would like to know, since there are 4 other series that meet Bill's "memorable series" criteria, where the breakdowns of the other series by Bill are? That's right, they don't involve Boston teams so we will never see those get written.

And, yeah, I feel that way about the Bulls. They are slightly more talented than a depleted Boston team. They can control the boards without Kevin Garnett around. They have just as many options at the end of games. They will be positively frightening at home with their crowd behind them. (I see them winning Game 3 by 20-plus on Thursday night.)

Actually, try the other way around. Remember everyone, this is the guy who teaches his readers (ages 18-25, white males) how to gamble.

Games 1 and 2 could have been simulcast on ESPN Classic. This has a chance to be remembered as one of the most exciting first-round series ever played.

After two games Bill knows he is witnessing history. After two freaking games he knows this. He knows, even though there were five games to go (four now) that those were going to be exciting games because the first two were exciting...oh, and the Celtics were involved so that helps his knowledge...well not to mention he writes the rules and is the one that decides this is going to be an exciting playoff series, so that also helps.

I think Seattle-Denver from 1994 was the most exciting first round series ever, but that also did not involve the Celtics, so that may not count...and yes, I realize he said "one of the best" but we all know he really meant "the best."

They have two of the most identifiable uniforms and logos.

Even though neither logo makes sense because the word "Celtics" should have a hard "k" sound if it is really from the Irish origin of the word and the Chicago seems to have very few Bulls running around. I am being nitpicky and don't care about it.

They have veteran crowds that know how to affect games and make them a little more fun to watch.

Here Bill goes again with the idea that crowds can magically affect basketball games outside of just cheering very loudly. This very idea is bullshit of course. Crowds can cheer loudly and that seems to be about it, there is not some magical mystique that crowds can transfer over to players from the opposing team that makes them play poorly. This is all in Bill's head.

I don't know what Bill means by veteran crowds but I would guess half the crowd at the Celtics game would think Reggie Lewis is actually supposed to be Reggie Cleveland and Xavier McDaniel is a pro wrestler.

One thing separates him from other world-class rookies who preceded him on a big stage: As far as pure point guards go, he might be the best athlete we've ever seen. If you built the ideal point guard, like how you can create a player from scratch on "NBA Live," wouldn't you basically create Derrick Rose?

No, I would choose someone who could shoot 3 point shots well and was a little bit better on the ball defender.

Lord help us if he ever learns how to shoot 3-pointers.

So, Bill would not basically create Derrick Rose either?

Regardless, after Games 1 and 2, the ceiling has been removed for Rose. I am prepared for anything over the next 12 years. Anything.

I love it when Bill gets dramatic. I just wonder where Rose is located in Bill's new MVP standings? Has he moved up? If so, why didn't Bill have him up higher originally since he knows everything about the NBA? Come on, he is a self proclaimed expert, he had to know how good Rose was.

As a Celtics fan, I'm terrified. As a basketball fan, I'm titillated. But it was always meant to be. Even if comparisons to Vinnie "Microwave" Johnson make more sense on paper, I'd liken him more to a shorter Andrew Toney. Vinnie was called "The Microwave" for a reason -- either he got hot right away, or they unplugged him.

Yeah, I don't remember that second part about them unplugging him if he wasn't hot. He played an awful lot of minutes and scored very few points for a guy who only got to play when he was hot. I think Danny Ainge nicknamed him that because he got hot quickly, and there was nothing that dealt with him being unplugged. At least that I can recall.

I guess a little revisionist history never hurt anyone.

Again, he had two defenders flanking him and they KNEW he had to shoot. Has there ever been a shorter player who got better shots in traffic?

Yes, Bill there has been. Maybe Allen Iverson, Isiah Thomas...I can go on and on.

Bill is full of hyperbole in this article. Everything is the greatest ever, the best ever, or one of the most memorable events. It's all a little bit much for me.

My father has been attending Boston playoff games since 1974 and ranked Gordon's Game 2 performance up there with the best of Toney, Microwave and Nick Weatherspoon -- probably the Mount Rushmore of "Streaky Scorers Who Annihilated the Celtics In a Playoff Series" -- saying simply, "We just couldn't stop him." And we couldn't.

Well, that completely changes my opinion then. Your father, clearly a genius because he raised Bill, is like the Boston Sports Grandfather. He knows it all and has been through it all and if he thinks Ben Gordon's performance is up there, I am not shocked.

But.....................he does lose a little credibility since he left Michael Jordan's 63 point game out of the conversation. That was probably just a fluke peformance though.

Lost in all of this: Rajon Rondo trumping a special regular season with two phenomenal games to start the playoffs. (Note: Don't downgrade him for being unable to stay in front of Rose. Under the current rules, NOBODY is staying in front of Derrick Rose.

I find it quite a bit odd that Bill frequently downgrades Jason Kidd for not being able to stay in front of Derrick Rose, Tony Parker, Deron Williams, Chris Paul and Rajon Rondo...but we are not supposed to downgrade Rondo for that.

As I have said before, Bill makes up the rules and then fits what he wants to say into those rules. That way everything is super duper special and makes what he experiences very important and special as well.

Rondo doesn't get enough credit from an entertainment standpoint; he does three things every game that you will not see from another human being who plays basketball for a living.

Hyperbole, hyperbole, hyperbole. I can't even write angrily about this. Everyone who is not a SimmonsClone knows this is all bullshit that Bill is making up. Every game Rajon Rondo does 3 things no other basketball player can do? If you believe that, you are a SimmonsClone. That's the new test, I just made up.

We always hear about "The Big Three," but Rondo might be the most compelling story on the 2008-09 Celtics: a very good point guard with a chance to be superb. Can he get there? Stay tuned.

Don't worry about staying tuned, I am 100% sure Bill is going to keep us updated. Earlier in the column Bill was talking about how great Rose is and how he can do things other players can't, now he thinks Rondo is able to do things other players can't, and he hasn't even talked about Chris Paul yet. So if you believe Bill Simmons, we are pretty much watching three of the greatest point guards in NBA history right now.

I don't want to jinx it, but Vinny Del Negro is putting on an anti-coaching clinic for the ages.

The Boston Sports Guy is like the Gregg Easterbrook of the NBA. He has the advantage of hindsight and then criticizes coaches for all the stupid moves they make...but it's like neither Bill nor Gregg knows it is hindsight and actually believe they would have made a different decision in the same situation, even though they would not have.

called two timeouts in the final three minutes of Game 2 to design plays for Ben Gordon, who, again, had an actual fireball shooting out of his butt. You can't just scream "go to Gordon again" from the sidelines, Vinny?

Let's see which situation is an example of better coaching:

A. Calling a timeout to make sure you get the ball to your red hot scorer by setting up a play that ensures he gets the ball.

B. Screaming who the ball is going to go to from the sidelines and having your point guard, who is so quiet as the TNT announcers said last night sometimes his own players don't know the play, call out a play and hope everything goes well?

I personally believe calling a timeout is the best thing to do rather than have the team just fucking wing it and hope something goes right. To criticize Del Negro for doing this any differently is wrong. This was good coaching.

(That reminds me, the Celtics haven't received enough credit for persevering without Garnett these past two months.

Oh yeah, the Celtics never receive enough fucking credit. They definitely need more. I am glad Bill is here to point out all the wonderful things the Celtics have done without Kevin Garnett.

Except...by Bill's own MVP rankings the Celtics have the #5 and #17 most valuable players in the league, not to mention a point guard that can do three things in a game you have never seen another person do in a basketball game. I don't know how many teams can brag about that, but based on that, I would have to say they are getting too much credit for doing so well down the stretch of the year without Garnett.

Of course we don't credit John Paxson for this! He's the luckiest guy on the planet! Chicago had something like 0.00000000000000043 odds to get Derrick Rose last spring and got him. Without him, NONE OF THIS HAPPENS. You can't credit any GM for succeeding with a team that has drafted first, ninth, second, third, seventh, second, fourth, fourth, eighth and first in the past 10 drafts and recently stumbled into one of the best No. 1 overall picks of the past 25 years.

I actually kind of agree with this. The Bulls should actually be a lot better than they currently are. John Paxson, much like his time with Michael Jordan, is getting fairly lucky.

I hate Joakim Noah. I hate looking at him. I hate his hair. I hate how he dunks. I hate the way he high-fives. I hate every reaction he has. I hate his game. I hate the way announcers pronounce his name. I hate the story that I've heard a million times about his tennis-playing father.

There are certain things every single person in the world can get behind no matter color of skin, religion, creed or sexual orientation and I think hating Joakim Noah is one of those things. Everyone hates him.

The dirty little secret of this series: Paul Pierce is wiped out.

Other than the fact he currently looks like he has AIDS (he has bizarre circles around his eyes), I think this is a pre-emptive bullshit excuse by Bill for when/if the Celtics end up tanking at some point in the playoffs. "They did not get beat, they were tired because they won the NBA Finals last year." That will be his excuse.

Pierce certainly looked pretty good last night. I am sure a lot of players who are in the playoffs right now are tired, Pierce is probably not the only one.

The dude played 108 games last season, then another 82 this season -- all while waving a "come and get us, we're the champs" bull's-eye for every comer -- and spent the past two months carrying a KG-less team on both ends.

Well first, only played 106 games last year because he missed two regular season games and he only played in 81 this year. I know there is some fictional "we are the champs, so we are going to get played harder by every other team" issue that Bill wants to push forward but I don't know if they get played any stronger than how teams play when wanting to beat Kobe and LeBron's teams.

Also, Kobe had to do everything Pierce had to do without Garnett, because he was without Bynum this year AND he played in the Olympics. I am just saying...

Pierce is the only guy on the Celtics who can remotely consider handling LeBron. By that point, after playing 200-plus games in 20 months, he will potentially have to slow down the Bo Jackson of basketball seven times over 14 days. And that's if Pierce doesn't break down before then.

Remember the Celtics never actually get beaten by another team, they are just too tired because of how hard it is to be the champs. They don't lose, they just give in...but if they were healthy, if they were not so tired, if..........................

A number of readers disagreed, which I expected for the simple reason that Allen is underrated and Miller is overrated.

Here he goes with his underrated bullshit again. It's weird how he believes another Boston athlete is underrated.

If he were a baseball player, he would have been Wade Boggs -- not a franchise guy, but someone with a few elite skills (milking pitch counts, getting on base, stroking singles and, in Boggs' case, rarely missing a game)

The Boston Sports Guy compares him to another Boston athlete. Shocking.

Boggs rarely missed a game? Let me double check that.

I think what Bill meant when he said Boggs rarely missed a game was, "Wade Boggs never played a full season of baseball and even in his prime (26-33), he averaged only 153 games." I don't consider that "rare," when it comes to missing games and I really wish Bill would look up what he is writing before he actually writes it.

that made him a genuine asset as long as you surrounded him with other quality players.

There are probably thousands of players that could be genuine assets as long as you surround them with other quality players. I can't believe how dumb this statement sounds when read aloud.

His 2000-01 Bucks were so alarmingly screwed by the officiating against Philly -- please, Google "Bucks Sixers 2001 playoffs officials" and you will see what I mean

Well, if you are going to google things and use that as proof, google "Bill Simmons sucks" and you will get some proof of that as well.

Miller had more big moments but played in more big games;

I want to make fun of this statement but it is just way too easy.

I do have to say I think Ray Allen is a better player than Reggie Miller was but Bill's reasoning, as usual, is suspect.

And now, Allen holds a wonderful Bulls-Celtics series in his hands. The champs will fall in Round 1 unless Ray Allen comes through. It's as simple as that.

Yeah, whatever happened to that #5 MVP guy? I guess because he is too tired from carrying the team he doesn't count anymore. I like how Bill puts the Bull-Celtics series all in Ray Allen's hands after waxing poetic about how Rajon Rondo is so special and putting Paul Pierce as the #5 MVP in his rankings...when all of a sudden Pierce not so valuable anymore because he is tired and Rondo apparently will not be a factor for some unknown reason. This is Bill hedging his bets and putting an excuse out there so he is not wrong when/if the Celtics lose.

As a Celtics fan, I can only tell you this: When one of the great clutch shooters in recent NBA history holds your immediate playoff destiny in his hands, it's a good place to be.

You have ruined so many things for other Celtics fans over the past year, I rue the day you were born to that genius of a father.

I am going to spit out a mock draft tomorrow, it could suck, but I am interested to see what it will look like.