Two For One Tuesday: Attack of the Egos

Do I start this day off with a post from Bill Simmons or my favorite whipping boy Peter King? That was my big problem for the day. Both have massive egos, both have incredibly annoying tendencies to make excuses for their favorite players/teams, and both irritate me at times when they write.

So I flipped a coin and we got Bill first. Bill's favorite hockey team, the Boston Bruins, have become good again so Bill is paying attention to hockey now. Because Bill tends to be an egomaniac and thinks pretty much everything in the world revolves around him, he decides that because he is paying attention to hockey again, hockey is about to make a comeback. See, the world revolves around him so because he is watching more hockey, the rest of the United States is as well.

We had a great chat in the comments on Sunday about being a fair weather fan and how it would be much more acceptable if Bill just admitted he paid more attention to the Bruins when they were good. Instead he lists reasons like the penny pinching owner for why he called himself a hockey widow.

You might remember Hurricanes right wing Scott Walker's decking Bruins defenseman Aaron Ward in Game 5 of their Eastern Conference semifinals. Total sucker punch. Outraged fans (myself included) pined for swift justice, telepathically urging B's enforcer Milan Lucic to escape an official's grasp and get to Walker.

See, Bill is no longer a hockey widow because there was a salary cap instituted in 2005 after the lockout and that salary cap allowed him to start following the Bruins again three years later in 2008 when they became a good team.

You know he had to google "Boston Bruins enforcer" to get Lucic's name.

Walker exacerbated the situation by skating around with a defiant smile on his face.

Most hockey players in the same situation would immediately skate off the ice and go in the locker room and cry...but not Walker, he is such an asshole he dared to continue to stay on the ice.

Come playoff time, players grow ugly beards and throw themselves around with no regard. If an opponent crosses the line, they settle it with elbows, sticks or fists. Maybe a slash when the ref isn't looking.

So because this happens rountinely there is no reason to get enraged. Neither Aaron Ward nor any of his teammates seemed upset about this or retaliated, but Bill showing a firm grasp of hockey and it's written and unwritten rules, was outraged by this event. Seriously, it was just a typical hockey sucker punch. They happen.

I grew up a hockey lover in Boston, and the sport's nonstop feistiness pushed it over the top for me. But I cooled on the B's after college, when owner/miser Jeremy Jacobs kept pinching pennies at the expense of Cup hopes. Other reasons: too many soft Euros; too many instigator penalties, helmets and eye shields, not enough old school.

So now Bill has a whole litany of excuses to use when people ask why he did not pay attention to hockey. The problem with all of these excuses is still that NONE OF THIS HAS CHANGED. Players wear a lot of facial gear, there are still tons of Euros and I don't even know what old school means.

Or so I thought. Because, as it turns out, I really like hockey again.

Because the Bruins are good again, not because of the arbitrary reasons given above. Just admit it Bill and we can all move on. I am a casual hockey fan, I will watch Hurricanes games during the regular season, I know the players but don't know everything about them. When it comes time for the playoffs, I watch them play hockey though because it is exciting. I am not a fair weather fan because I have never sworn off the team or said I was not cheering for them, I just have other sports take up my attention when hockey is on...generally.

Even if hockey is making a comeback, which I am not sure there is any proof it really is, it is not because of the reasons Bill lists but because there is an influx of talent in the NHL that gets people interested again.

Mercifully, we have swung the other way in the new millennium. The UFC made fighting profitable and acceptable. The Internet made it seem okay to attack anyone with words and hide behind the cloak of anonymity. Anyone could steal content -- songs, jokes, highlights -- and post it online, and everything was fine. Female celebs used sexuality to advance careers; soon teens were grinding on shows like Gossip Girl and nobody cared.

Bill is reaching here for a reason to make hockey popular now...completely reaching. The Internet was invented by Al Gore about 10 years ago, UFC has been popular for a few years now and Gossip Girl was not the first show to feature jean grinding by teens. If these really were the reasons for hockey's resurgence, it would have happened 8 years ago, not today.

I don't know if hockey is more popular now, but if it is then it is not because of the reasoning Bill is giving.

I love having the NHL back in my life, even if it means dealing with Jacobs the Skinflint again.

But Bill, there is a salary cap now. You don't have to worry about that anymore, so your favorite team can spend as much money as they want and it will make you happy to cheer for them.

Everyone, hockey is back because Bill says so! Rejoice and sing his praises in the streets! He has officially proclaimed it so, and it is so, for he has spoke unto us that hockey is back because the Bruins are good again.

(For everyone who has watched hockey, cheered for the Bruins and enjoyed it over the past several years, feel free to punch Bill in the face if you ever see him)

Bill is being a fair weather fan and I wish he would just admit it. It is fine to be a casual fan of a team, but it is not fine to outright declare you don't cheer for a team anymore and then make up bullshit reasons why you became a fan again once that team becomes good. That's not right in my opinion. You can be a soft fan in the hard times, but don't bail. Bill bailed.

I regret to inform you all, yet again I did not make the Peter King MMQB-Tuesday mailbag.

But ESPN swooped in, offered Gruden the Monday night seat vacated by Tony Kornheiser (how convenient), and Gruden took it.

The NFL Network planned to put Gruden on the air all season, then move him to the Thursday night football booth alongside Bob Papa, replacing Cris Collinsworth. Now it's back to ground zero in its search for a voice to pair with Papa.

If anyone needs more proof that ESPN has become inherently evil, first they take Adam Schefter and now they hire Jon Gruden. I just hope the MLB Network is able to hang on to any talent they may get.

Wonderful event Monday night at Mayfair Farms here in north Jersey. And it wasn't just because more than $150,000 was raised for aggressive rehab that we hope will get SI pro football maven Paul Zimmerman back in his curmudgeonly writers' chair soon after three strokes in November.

I guess all of this money is going to Dr. Z. Good for him, not so good for any of the thousands of other individuals who have strokes and aren't able to go back to work. Maybe Peter will cheer these other individuals up by taking them out to lunch or giving them a mention in his MMQB.

How about when Coughlin approached Paul Zimmerman -- who looked fantastic, resplendent in a dark suit, goateed, trimmer than I'd seen him in years --

He's probably trimmer because he has had three strokes and can't feed himself. I am not sure that is a compliment in this situation.

Feel free to go on about how shitty your latest restaurant experience was Peter when you are talking to Dr. Z. You should tell Dr. Z they did not give you enough veal and the mashed potatoes were not to your liking. Certainly tell him about the coffee that was NEAR strong enough for your tastes. I certainly hope you sent that food back and threw the coffee in the waiter's face.

When I introduced Yogi as the greatest living baseball player in the United States,

There are so many issues I have with this. I don't think Berra is the greatest living catcher in the United States. I would put Johnny Bench in that category for thinking about it. Though I have to admit after looking at the statistics, it would make for a good debate.

My point is that Yogi is not the best living baseball player.

Vikings coach Brad Childress did a campy six-minute DVD, opening by ripping me for my horse crap mock-drafting ability and begging Zim to come back so SI will finally get the mock-drafting right. Cute. Actually a little bit funny.

You know Peter wanted to take his sausage shaped fingers and put them around Childress' neck.

And Zim. Great night for him. It's been almost six months since he's spoken, and he can't write, and he can't read, though he's trying daily to do all three. This therapy, starting with aggressive speech work in New Jersey and then six weeks at an immersion program in Ann Arbor, Mich., is the only way he's going to have a chance to be an important voice again. Will it work? I don't know. Linda doesn't know. The doctors don't know.

I like a lot of what Dr. Z writes and he seems like a good guy, so I hope he gets better as well. I just am a little disappointed all of this money being raised is only going to one person, that's all. I think it would have been nice if everyone had gotten together to start a foundation in Dr. Z's name or something.

"It's nights like this that make me proud to have anything to do with the National Football League,'' Sabol said, gripping my hand tight and not letting go for three, four, five seconds.

Peter was dreaming of Brett Favre the entire time Sabol had his hand.

It's all Vick, all the time. I think the best way for me to handle these are, for the most part, to let your voices be heard. You know my feeling: Once a man has paid for his crime and done his time, and served whatever suspension the NFL hands down, he ought to be able to be eligible to resume playing football.

Unless they are accused of "serial lying" in which case Peter thinks they should be suspended 4 games. In which case, Brett Favre would miss the entire season (Rob kindly pointed this out in the comments to yesterday's MMQB).

Have I heard one talk-show host or columnist scream that if Donte Stallworth is found guilty of vehicular manslaughter, and found to have been driving over the legal limit, he should never be allowed to play football again? No.

I absolutely agree. The reason you don't hear much about that is because Stallworth was not that great of a receiver and he is already going to jail for a while, so the public doesn't have to worry about him playing football again.

We all know how I feel about Leonard Little and the Stallworth case is similar to that.

Then, I believe Roger Goodell should suspend him a minimum of four weeks for his serial lying -- to Goodell, to Atlanta owner Arthur Blank, to former Atlanta coach Jim Mora, to Atlanta p.r. man Reggie Roberts, who continually staked his good word on Vick's denials -- about involvement in dog-fighting.

Should we make Brett Favre sit four games for lying to Ted Thompson, Aaron Rodgers, the American public, and everyone else in the world? Pretty soon there are going to be additional charges for lying if (when) he signs with Minnesota.

From Peter Jackson, of Atlanta: "No good reason why Vick shouldn't be reinstated? God, you're a fat [expletive deleted] idiot.''

Why did I tone down my email this week? Oh, the irony!

Paul Hemenway, of Olathe, Kan

...Adam "Pacman" Jones did things not nearly as bad as what Vick did, and yet nobody is talking about letting him back in to play.

To be fair, Pacman Jones was a repeat offender. When you become a repeat offender the commissioner goes after you harder.

From Mateo Pearson, of Austin, Texas: "If Michael Vick 'served his time' in a federal penitentiary why would the NFL not reinstate him? Your hypocrisy continues to shine every week. We are still waiting on your comments on what an egotistical maniac Favre is. But we all know that is not going to happen. You would never speak the truth about your good ol' boys in the NFL.''

In your eye, Peter! I have to admit I don't really see the connection between Favre and Vick here, other than serial lying, but Peter really let the haters in his mailbag this week didn't he?

I think Vick should be suspended for a certain time period when he tries to come back in the league. I don't know if we can kick him out completely, even though what he did was horrific. I really haven't made up my mind completely. I believe in redemption, but I don't know if I believe Vick has been redeemed yet.

From Wes Bruns, of Kansas City: "I don't think I will ever understand why Michael Vick is being crucified for dog-fighting. NFL players that are in the league now and playing have done much worse and to human beings.

I never knew players in the NFL had caged human beings, forced them to perform athletic feats and then tortured them when they failed to win at those feats. Why do I feel like Wes is not making a whole lot of sense? Other than the select few who have killed other human beings, I am not sure what he is talking about.

From Chris, of Erie, Colo.: "He's a dog torturer. He has no room in our society let alone our favorite sport. He should be banned for life.''

These people Peter printed are pretty hardcore. This is all we get in the mailbag today, no asshole-ish responses from Peter, no horrible reasoning followed by "I still think I am right," or anything of the like.

What's everyone think about Mike Vick? In the league or out of the league? Bill Simmons fair weather fan or not? I am openly soliciting opinions today.

By the way, on his Twitter Bill tells us that A-Rod has traded in Madonna for Kate Hudson (that's a good upgrade). He is now an entertainment columnist too.