A Boy Named Bill and His Draft Diary

Bill Simmons puts his draft diaries in roman numerals as if they are all events, so this year's diary instead of being Draft Diary 13, is Draft Diary XIII. It adds so much ego and self importance to the whole thing I believe. It's pretty typical for Bill. He also doesn't cover the second round of the draft, which should not shock anyone who reads Bill's columns on a regular basis. The second round is full of players that you actually have to follow college basketball or read more than just your typical ESPN article to know anything about. (Bill Simmons can turn me into a college basketball snob where I talk like I am a genius. I realize I am not, but he does it to me) I am sure it will be 2 more years before he is touting one of these players after they have broken out as a great player.

Now onto Bill Simmons' Draft Diary. Are you ready to read about him making fun of coaches and General Managers while talking about the "faces" that they make? You better be because that's all the Draft Diary is.

In a paraphrase from one of my favorite movie quotes: "We've been reading the same Draft Diary with the same jokes for the past 13 years...and in no way is that pathetic."

The Virgin Megastore on Hollywood Boulevard had a "Going Out Of Business!" sale

(Cue long story where Bill describes what he thinks rather than just says it...this always annoys me. I can't decide if he is just killing space or is just developmentally retarded.)

Here's the point: The 2009 NBA draft is the equivalent of that 10 minutes when I nearly talked myself into three Blu-Rays I didn't even want. I have seen "The Shining" 10 million katrillion times. I don't need to own it on Blu-Ray. But when it's sitting on the same shelf with "Along Came Polly" and "Ocean's 12"? It starts looking good by default. That's the problem with this year's draft class -- too many "Terminator 3" Blu-Rays, only everyone else is so bad, you start talking yourself into them.

Players in this draft only look good relative to the other crappier players around them. I just summed it up in one sentence.

It's like the graduate school I went to. The girls on campus where all ugly but after a while they looked better compared to the even uglier girls on campus or at the local Wal-Mart.

Trust me: It's the worst draft class since the infamous Kenyon Martin Draft in 2000.

Why wouldn't we trust him? He admittedly paid no attention to overseas basketball, has only a limited and rudimentary knowledge of college basketball players because it bored him this year and he couldn't name where 5 of the guys who got drafted in the 2nd round came from. He is an "expert" so of course we trust him.

Bill is just saying exactly what other people have told him. Either that or he really thinks we should trust him based on his own limited knowledge, which is just crazy.

If I had to bet my life on any 2009 prospect becoming a top-three player on a championship team, I'd bet on Blake Griffin, Ricky Rubio and Stephen Curry.

I'll take that. Of course a couple of days ago he called it a "four person draft." I don't know what has changed. Asking Bill Simmons to stay consistent is like asking MTV to play any type of music...it would nice for them to do in theory but it's just not happening.

Orlando trades for Vince Carter (one of the biggest "It will end up being either a huge hit or a giant miss" deals in recent memory)

I hate this trade for Orlando. Vince Carter is a proven turd. Look what he did in New Jersey. He joined the team and then they start selling everyone off two years later. It's going to be mid-December before he and Rashard Lewis are fighting over who can stand at the 3 point line for the entire 3rd quarter and bomb three point shots. I can't wait to see Otis Smith's face when he sees Vince's 500th straight fall away jump shot.

Have I mentioned I hate Vince Carter? I even called one of my UNC fan friends yesterday and told him what I feel about the trade and could feel him holding back thinking, "I haven't talked to him in a while, I don't feel like starting a debate." I usually try not to start debates with UNC fans, but I feel so strongly against this trade, not based on what they gave up, but I can't get why any team would volunatarily want Vince Carter.

2. The other ESPN guys gently tempered Scott's enthusiasm for Cleveland's Shaq trade without one bluntly saying, "Stu, I have some bad news for you -- it's not 2001, it's 2009." This is why they keep me off studio shows.

Because one of the ESPN guys would have to tell Bill, "I have some bad news for you--it's not 1993, it's 2009, those jokes are old." Or does he not get to be on studio shows because he would absolutely suck as an analyst? He would spend 30 minutes describing something that can be summed up in one sentence. Or is that Boston doesn't pick until No. 58 so he really serves no purpose?

4:46: Jackson tells us the Grizzlies "are a team, to me, that needs talent." I agree. I was just going to say that. By the way, I'm excited for "Thabeet over Rubio" to become the new "Darko over Carmelo." Somebody should start a "Free Thabeet" blog right now. Beat the crowd.

I agree. I just don't like Thabeet. He got used by DeJuan Blair when they played, he is actually pretty soft for a shot blocker, he is too skinny to hold his position on offense or defense. All he has going for him is that he is tall and we all know how that turns out for players who have the tall gene and not much else offensively in the NBA. He will have a 10 year career blocking shots and averaging 6ppg. Have I mentioned UConn had to surround him with players like Jeff Adrian and Stanley Robinson who were tough and could rebound because he has trouble rebounding when there is against a more powerful opponent? I forgot that? Well I just added it. On a bright note he has one offensive move and it's a lay-up.

4:51: OK, who would be the funniest celebrity to try to say the name "Hasheem Thabeet?" Tom Brokaw? Bob Cousy?

Them foreigners sure do talk funny.

I like Harden as a glue-character guy and he definitely has a good porn name. But considering the Zombies have to worry about Durant fleeing in a couple of years, wasn't it in their best interests to find him an unselfish guard who's immensely fun to play with and was put on the earth to get Durant easy baskets? Big mistake.

Ouch. Bill's lack of college basketball knowledge comes back to bit him in the ass here. James Harden is a great passer and a wonderful teammate. That is actually a weakness that he has, scouts think he is too unselfish and should look for his own shot more. He averaged 4 assists this year and the number would have been higher if Herb Sendek ran an offense that was even halfway amenable to getting good recruits who could make shots. Let's just say if Kevin Durant is Michael Jordan, James Harden is a wonderful Scottie Pippen. The Thunder drafted a shooting guard who is unselfish and immensely fun to play with and will get Durant easy baskets. Harden is no Ricky Rubio, but if you draft Rubio then that pushed Westbrook to the 2 spot, which is not going to work out well. Harden is going to fit in well here.

Really, Bill should just stick to making smart ass jokes and not analyzing anything...ever.

5:03: Phew. Sota took him. The best part: Stern going into "I'm gonna be extra gregarious right now because they'll be replaying this in Europe!" mode as he announced the pick.

This is what Bill is good at. David Stern did have that look. More smart ass talking, less analysis and he will be fine.

I did know Rubio was the choice from David Stern's face.

And why aren't the ESPN guys wondering about a trade here or, at the very least, murdering this pick? THEY JUST TOOK TWO STRAIGHT POINT GUARDS!!!!!!!!!!

The Casey brought this up in the comments. ESPN should have and could have murdered this pick. Why are are the analysts afraid to analyze and make waves while the dumbass columnists who can't analyze are the ones who make waves? Shouldn't this be reversed? Explain this to me in 30 words or less.

I can't get over the Timberwolves doing this. I actually have something posted for Saturday in a little more depth about this but it makes no sense.

(Important Note: There is no bigger Curry fan than I am. He's going to be a star.

Bill is on the Stephon Curry bandwagon and referred to him as his favorite college basketball player over the past 2 years. I thought that was Russell Westbrook or Kevin Love? I think it just rotates whoever is popular at the time. Think really hard and try to see how many times Bill Simmons mentioned Stephon Curry over the past couple of years...I am not coming up with much and I even googled it and came up with less. Yet another case of Bill saying he loved a player with very little proof or after that player broke out.

Curry may be a star but I am telling you he is going to have trouble creating his own shot and he is a tweener. I have to tell you this, he will be good, but let's not act like their aren't red flags in regard to his game.

5:28: DeMar DeRozan goes ninth to Toronto. That pick left me cold.

If there is a player with a vat of untapped talent, it is DeMar DeRozan. The kid looked confused at USC, but wouldn't you be confused if you couldn't remember in the middle of the game if your "advisor" was supposed to take a 10% or 15% cut of the money Tim Floyd gave you for coming to USC?

I usually don't like it when teams draft guys who don't seem to want to reach their peak in talent but I like it in this case. Toronto had to swing for the fence and they did.

the Nets make amends with their 470 fans by grabbing quirky Louisville swingman Terrence Williams (in my opinion, the last 2009 prospect with a chance to be a top-four guy on a title team).

A top-four guy on a title team? I will take that. Actually, I am getting a little nervous about trumping up this draft so much. It's not a bad draft but I do think there are a lot of good role players here and not franchise changing players. I think there is going to be fewer busts than we have seen in the past because really there is a lower ceiling. That's my official take so I will still defend this draft.

5:45: Charlotte takes Gerald Henderson, a mild shocker since he went to Duke and the Bobcats are run by UNC guys. (I'm not saying this was up there with the Gaza Strip getting settled, but still, mildly shocking.) He hugs his dad, former Boston 1984 Finals hero Gerald Henderson. (Remember, Lakers fans? "Henderson steals the ball!!!!!!!!!!")

I think it is time to revist my mock lottery draft from a month ago to see how I did. I got 4 picks right in the right spot. I am actually fairly impressed considering I put it up May 22nd.

Bill is a big Duke hater but it's pretty obvious he hasn't paid much attention to them (wow, Bill hating a team blindly without really thinking, that must be a shock) because everyone who has seen one Duke game knows who Henderson's dad is because the announcers bring it up every game.

Uninformed Duke haters just annoy me. Also, this is not a shocker at all because nearly every mock draft over the past week has had Henderson going here to Charlotte.

I liked the Hansbrough pick. Good seventh man. Like a much better Luke Walton. As Jackson says, he'll "make every Pacers practice better." Is that what you want from the 13th pick? Of course not. But this isn't a normal draft. I keep telling you.)

This was a stretch for Hansbrough. There are guys who can easily start for teams selected after this, just because Bill did not pay attention to the college basketball season doesn't mean there were no good players. That's the way it is with Bill though, it's not important unless he is involved or he paid attention.

I think the Pacers could have done better in this spot. I am a fan of Hansbrough for a playoff team but not with the 13th pick and the Pacers needing to choose players who have a higher ceiling in this spot.

6:13: Jrue Holiday goes to the Sixers and, more importantly, wins the Rashard Lewis "Last Guy In The Green Room" Award. In 27 minutes per game as a freshman, Holiday averaged 8.5 points and more turnovers (3.8) than assists (3.7). On the bright side, he made 30.7 percent of his 3s. Wait, that's not good. That's your 17th pick.

This was a great pick for the 76ers. He is 19 years old and looked lost at UCLA. This is a guy who could end up winning the Rashard Lewis award for "Last Guy in the Green Room Who Is Listed As the 5th Pick of the Draft in the 2014 Review Of The 2009 NBA Draft."

Keep making fun of Jrue Holiday. He may be in the NBDL in 2 years or he could very well be developing very nicely. We'll see, but I know which way I am leaning.

6:19: Minnesota's choice of Ty Lawson (one of my two remaining favorites) just gave me the same look I had when I found out earlier today that Jackson had died.

No dammit, he is my favorite! I have been on his bandwagon for weeks now and I have proof, which Bill doesn't have except for this one sentence. When Ty Lawson is making an All-Star game or two I am going to feel very vindicated. It's tough to get much more excited about ASG appearances since he is in the Western Conference with Rubio (maybe), Paul, Williams, and Parker, but Lawson is a great fit in Denver. If he busts, I will look like an ass, but I don't care. He was the best player on the best team in college basketball, he should have gone higher.

It's funny because I actually thought he would end up going to Denver last year before he pulled out of the draft because he got a DUI...it's like it was fate he end up in Denver with George Karl.

7:17: The Lakers sell the 29th pick to the Knicks for cash considerations and pick Toney Douglas.

This is what I am talking about with the Lakers standing pat this year. They could have used Toney Douglas. He can score in bunches off the bench and can actually defend other players as well. The Lakers can only blame themselves when they hand Ariza and Odom huge contracts and they start regressing. I hate it when teams stand pat.

Weird night. Too much death. Too many bad picks. Too much weirdness. Too much unpredictablity and incompetence. Too many lousy picks. Too much David Kahn. I'm rattled.

I don't get how there were too many bad picks. He only did the first round and he has said repeatedly this was a weak draft, so which teams made bad picks if there were few good players to be taken after the lottery picks? Seriously, he should cover the second round as well. I liked a lot of those picks. I don't like Chase Budinger, but I like him as a 2nd round pick. I did like the Danny Green to the Cavs and of course Blair to San Antonio.

What frustrates me about Bill Simmons is that he will admit he pays no attention to these college players or overseas players but he feels the need to comment and try to analyze what he thinks about the picks, but he is only commenting based on what others have told him. He says it is a bad draft and then knocks teams for making bad picks. What are they going to do? Not draft a player? It makes my day so much better and worse when I can cover a Bill Simmons article.