MMQB Review: Post-Vacation Edition

Quick note: The BotB Yahoo Fantasy League has 9 teams so far. I have capped it off at 12 teams so we need at least one more team in the league to make it an even number of teams but 3 more teams would be nice as well. Feel free to join if you would like.

It's here. Peter King is finally off his vacation and is backing to writing his weekly MMQB. Peter enthralls us with stories of baseball games he has seen, scares us with stories of his should-be-private doctor's visits and even has a Brett Favre update for us. I am not sure how you have an update when nothing has happened but it hasn't stopped him and ESPN in the past, so it won't stop them now. In other words, nothing has changed and I could not be happier/more frustrated about that.

I leave for 21 days of camps tomorrow morning, and I'll try to set the table here with a few appetizers to get you ready for the 2009 season.

See? He still uses food references to describe pretty much anything. It's good everyone's least favorite amateur (yet thinks he is a professional) food critic is still dropping food related metaphors.

I was speaking with Stefan Fatsis, the esteemed writer who'd spent training camp in 2006 as a kicker with Denver so he could write about it. (His book, A Few Seconds of Panic, is out in paperback this summer, and it's good reading if you want to feel the innards of a team in training camp.)

It's a wonderful and great book, just not good enough to make Peter's book club.

Sorry Stefan, that's a great book you wrote there, but it's not Peter King recommendation worthy.

On some field this summer, a new James Harrison will be born. On another field, a rookie -- Pat White? LeSean McCoy? Brian Orakpo? Brandon Tate? -- will make crowds go nuts. Mario Manningham will see an opportunity and run with it or run from it. Ditto Matthew Stafford and Mark Sanchez.

For those that may wonder why I say Peter has an upper Northeast coast of the United States bias, he just randomly typed 8 players names and the 6 of them play in Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, Washington, New England and New York. These are players he just randomly typed and only teams in that area came to his mind. I just want to remind the entire rest of the country that Peter doesn't give a shit about you.

For all you Texans fans who sometimes feel left out on the national stage, I'll have some interesting thoughts from Matt Schaub Tuesday to top the column.

There you go Texans fans, that should be more than enough to satisfy your hunger. First, you got to hear Peter's opinion of your backup quarterback a few months ago and now he is going to use Matt Schaub's name in a sentence that is normally reserved for players who have accomplished something like Matt Cassel, Mark Sanchez, and Bart Scott. Don't feel worthy Texans fans, because you are not.

Before I begin, thanks to my sub columnists -- Trent Green, Matt Birk, Chris Cooley, Matt Light and Sean Payton -- for filling in while I was gone.

All 5 white men by the way. I'm just saying somehow Peter got 5 white guys to write his MMQB for him out of the hundreds of people who coach and play in the NFL.

And I think Cooley really wants my job; I'm going to have to try to help him get a nice 15-year contract extension with Dan Snyder.

He's not kidding, this is what he does for all athletes he likes. He will continue to write nice things about Chris Cooley until he has used his expert knowledge to convince the public Chris Cooley is a great player. By the year 2018 we are going to be getting weekly "Cooley retirement updates" in MMQB.

I also believe Vick simply wants to be back on an NFL team (he views the United Football League as a last resort only) and will be fine for at least a year or maybe two with whatever role a coach wants to give him. Wildcat backup for New England?

Sorry Fred, but if I hear Peter King say one more time that Mike Vick should go to the Patriots because Belichick is one of the few coaches who knows how to use him, I am going to scream even more than usual. Yeah, we get it. Belichick is smart. It's not like he fucking invented the Wildcat or even used the Wildcat last year so let's not stain our pants with excitement quite yet.

I feel strongly that Vick should be given a suspension of at least four weeks because of his serial lying -- to Goodell, to Falcons owner Arthur Blank and then-GM Rick McKay -- in addition to re-entering the league with two strikes against him, figuratively. That's what I expect, quite frankly.

That should be what you expect...isn't that the punishment that Roger Goodell reportedly gave Vick? Please don't take news that is already sort of reported and act like it is new news.

I expect a ruling this week.

Could that be because it has been reported there will be a ruling this week?

For Vick, a blessing would be going to New England, where Bill Belichick would give him the kind of structured existence on and off the field that would be best for him.

(Keeping my vow, I am screaming louder than usual when reading MMQB) Mike Vick is not a historical troublemaker like Pacman Jones or Terrell Owens. I am not going to defend Mike Vick, because he has had a few incidences of trouble other than the dog fighting, but he doesn't need a structured existence to play football. He needs a team willing to take a chance on him and yes we know that Bill Belichick is a fucking genius and could cure cancer, if he just had the time, but there are plenty of other places Vick could go as well. I still think Oakland or San Francisco would be good fits.

And the 49ers, despite the fact that Mike Singletary would love to mentor Vick, I think the public pressure and uncertain quarterback situation would put too much of a weight on Vick's shoulders.

The guy was the face of the Falcons franchise and has been all over the news for months now, he can handle the pressure of the 49ers QB situation.

As for Favre ... I'm told this could go either way, but that it's more likely than not he'll sign and be in camp with the Vikes next week. Because I don't know much more than that, no sense wasting your time or mine.

I would love to get a poll of who actually cares where the hell Brett Favre goes between the public and the media. I would bet it would be 70% of the public who say they don't give two craps where the heck Brett Favre plays football. Among media members I bet they think 70% care where Favre goes.

The reason McDermott's job is so tough is that Johnson set such a high standard. He was the defensive sheriff in town, and he made the defensive gameplans and the defensive playcalls.

I would like to know how many defensive coordinators DON'T make the defensive gameplans and the defensive playcalls? Other than in New England of course, where Bill Belichick was also responsible for helping to build the stadium AND he is in charge of the concession stands...all while getting the entire gameplan for each game together for the Patriots AND dressing up in a hoodie as a superhero to stop crime around the world.

Because he didn't play much last year, and because Seattle didn't make the playoffs, and because he had his back well-diagnosed by January, he's been in the weight room more, and longer, than in the past. "I'm not worried about my back at all,'' Hasselbeck said.

I love it when players try to spin injuries caused by old age into good things for the team.

"No no no no, it's a good thing I blew my elbow out last year, now my arm has one less year of wear on it. See, the fact I am old is a GOOD thing."

"The only thing my back cannot do is sit in a three-hour run-game-install meeting without getting up and moving around.

Yeah, Hasselbeck just can't sit down for three hours without his back stiffening up. Playing in a three hour football game where he gets tackled repeatedly, often without warning, and hit in the back should be a walk in the park for him.

Grunge music to Seattle's ears.

Holy shit. Seriously? It's not 1993.

Coach John Harbaugh still think there's a chance the 35-year-old Mason, who has a chronic shoulder problem, will play. Baltimore added Kelley Washington in free-agency from New England, but he was almost purely a special-teams player in New England; he caught just one ball in the last two years.

If you can only catch one ball in the Patriots system that can't be a good thing. Seriously, the offensive system in New England has turned Wes Welker into a Pro Bowl receiver.

June 25, Foxboro, Mass. "How's Zim?'' says Tedy Bruschi, and I fill him in. Paul Zimmerman has had a bit of a setback, but he's fighting hard, and if anyone of advanced age can come back from three strokes it'll be Zim.

Actually I would guess it would be Clint Eastwood. He probably is in better shape and has more money to pay for rehabilitation than Dr. Z.

Sorry, I didn't mean to ruin the hyperbole Peter was spewing...actually I did.

Now Peter tells us what he did on his vacation...because there is nothing more exciting than hearing about someone else's vacation.

July 6, Brewster, Mass. I'm in the fourth row of the bleachers at the baseball field behind Stony Brook Elementary, with a cadre of football intelligentsia behind me. Bill Polian, GM of the Colts. Steve Spagnuolo, coach of the Rams. Chris Palmer, quarterbacks coach of the Giants. Chris Polian, assistant GM of the Colts. Brian Polian, special-teams coach at Notre Dame.

Wow, this sure would be a good time to ask Bill Polian how Peyton Manning is handling the departure of his long time offensive coordinator (who made ALL the play calls!) and the offensive line coach. Unfortunately, we get a conversation about baseball. Only Peter King can sit down with 5 football guys and not come back with a single piece of information on football.

Have I ever mentioned how I hate it when Peter King plays favorites and chooses to not ask or report information his favorite athletes or football guys don't want him to report?

Officiating czar Mike Pereira said the league is basically going to go back to the drawing board to try to find his successor; Pereira retires at the end of this year. "We thought we'd have someone in place by now,'' he says to the crowd, but the league doesn't, and now Roger Goodell wants a new process to begin.

That should make everyone feel really good about the state of the NFL's officiating crews. They can't find a single person who is currently an official who either wants the job or is qualified for the job. But don't worry about the NFL games this year and the quality of the officiating, nothing to see here, move along.

July 20, Boston. Trip to the urologist. Regular checkup. Two docs. First doc examines me, and I should say he examines me thoroughly.

Some things should be kept private. Again, I want to remind everyone that we are currently 3 years away from knowing the color of Peter's King poop and how often he goes to the bathroom. Don't say I did not warn you.

Very nice fellow, just like the first one. He puts on the rubber glove. Whoa! Whoa! This, uh, already happened! Second urologist wants to check out the situation for himself. Examines me a little more thoroughly.

Oh no! Two men are fondling your junk? Gosh, please keep this story going so I can hear more about people putting their fingers and hands on your private parts. I have to hear more. The doctors are doing it for health reasons, just pretend it is Brett's strong, grizzled hands and you can make it through the procedure.

(For some reason I originally had the urologist sticking his hand up Peter's ass here. Fred pointed out to me I got a proctologist and a urologist confused. I did not get them confused, I just did not pay attention to what was written and just assumed it was a proctologist. Either way, thanks to Fred for pointing this out to me. The scariest part is that when I went to google "proctologist" to make sure I had spelled it correctly, it came up that I had searched for that word recently...I have no idea when I did this.)

And now, just after 1 in the afternoon, I'm sitting on the edge of a hospital bed in Massachusetts General Hospital-West when my surgeon approaches. It's Thomas Gill, the Red Sox and Patriots orthopedist. He's the third person out of eight or nine who would ask me the same question that day: "Which knee are we operating on today?'' I tell him the left one, and he takes a marker and writes "YES'' above my left kneecap. "The reason we don't put an 'X' here,'' he says, "is because if you put an 'X' there, how do you know that's NOT the one to operate on?''

That's just common sense. I really hope Peter did not think this was a revelation of some kind. I am glad the doctor who did Peter's surgery has a grasp on this technique, because this was apparently very new and shocking to Peter.

"Since I've been working in the league, I don't think the best team has won the Super Bowl any year. You get a ball bouncing the wrong way, a bad call from a ref, a windy day when you plan to throw a lot ... There are just too many things out of your control.''
-- Eagles team president Joe Banner in Sunday's Philadelphia Inquirer.

My these grapes sure are sour.

"I think the way the commissioner has handled it, I think it's unfair to Michael Vick. I think he's done the time for what he's done. I don't think it's really fair for him to be suspended four more games. That's almost like kicking a dead horse in the ground. I think a lot of guys around the league need to speak up. I think the players union needs to step in because the guy's already suffered so much. To add a four-game suspension on a two-year prison sentence, that's ridiculous.''
-- Buffalo wide receiver Terrell Owens after the team's morning training-camp practice Sunday.

I blame the media as much as anyone else for T.O. making this comment. If you put a microphone in front of an idiot, he is going to say idiotic things. It's just that simple. Nothing T.O. will say this year will ever or should ever hold any importance to pretty much anyone in the NFL. The media loves to get a quote from him though.

Let's start this exercise by saying the only teams that can logically compete for Team of the Decade in this decade are New England and Pittsburgh.

Peter then goes through a chart and lays out the idea that New England is the Team of the Decade. I am not prone to disagree. This is the 496th reference to the New England Patriots in this column though.

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

I hurt my knee during vacation and had to muddle through three weeks with it, and I found myself on a plane to Seattle, changing in Chicago, to visit our daughter Mary Beth. When we changed, I got up to get something out of the overhead, and the man across the aisle stumbled getting out of his seat, lost his balance, and his knee rammed hard into mine. The man, about 65, steadied himself. I bent over, saw a few stars, straightened up, and limped off the plane, with the man right behind me.

Dammit Grandpa, I said "aim for his knee with your carry-on luggage that is full of cement blocks", not "hit him in the knee with your knee." That's it, your done, back to the nursing home for you. You can't be trusted to carry out my devious plans anymore...and I am taking away your cable television as punishment.

2. I think one of the reasons for the move of the draft to Thursday, Friday and Saturday, obviously, is getting the draft into prime time.

I think this is an incredibly stupid idea because there are a ton of great shows on television Thursday night. I don't know why the NFL would insist on having the first round one night, then two rounds the next night and four rounds the final night. I know there are going to be a bunch of people flipping channels on that Thursday night. Why do they have to mess everything up? I hope no one watches.

I asked on my Twitter account Sunday afternoon whether you favor the NFL moving the draft to one round Thursday, two Friday and four Saturday. In three hours, 462 fans responded. Of those with a yes-or-no opinion, 345 said no, 117 said yes. That's 74.7 percent of my Twitter followers against the move.

Let's look at some of the genius comments against the draft time move:

c. Harlen Coben (the real one): "Why not start right after Super Bowl and have two picks every day till start of season?''

I love this guy's books but I really, really hope he is being sarcastic about this comment and is making fun of the NFL expanding the draft coverage out so much. If not, this is quite possibly the worst idea ever. I don't even want to go into the specifics because I think this is sarcasm...but this is the worst NFL related idea ever.

d. Armen Keteyian (the real one): "Not me. One more example of milking and marketing; a league seeking desperately even more buzz. More like zzzzzz.''

I get it! It's like "buzz" without the "bu!" Hilarious and relevant to the discussion. Now I know why Armen doesn't get to do an excessive amount of speaking on television.

After this Peter makes a comment about Carl Eller's 2004 NFL Hall of Fame speech and how he referenced Barack Obama. Peter thought it was so cool Eller knew about Obama in 2004...Obama was the keynote speaker at the Democratic National Convention in 2004, so it wasn't all that amazing he knew who he was.

5. I think it's tough to write Steve McNair's legacy thoroughly, 23 days after he was murdered. But the popular question after his death centers around whether he deserves to be elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

I can make this easy. No, he doesn't deserve to make the Hall of Fame.

In his favor is the fact that he won an MVP and appeared in a Super Bowl.

He was co-MVP and he lost the Super Bowl. It wasn't his fault he had to share the trophy and lost the Super Bowl, but these are the facts. Also, McNair was a great player, but not good enough to be a Hall of Fame player.

7. I think these are my thoughts on the headlines of the month:

Why, when a famous person dies, do we feel the need to vastly overstate this person's importance to the planet? Jackson may have been -- probably was -- the greatest singer, performer and dancer of this era. A member of the U.S. House of Representatives, Sheila Jackson Lee, got up at his service and said a lot of politicians were in office directly because of Jackson. "He called us into public service,'' Jackson Lee said. Let me understand this. A man sings wonderfully and dances better, and that leads a cadre of regular citizens into public service?

I have to say I completely agree with Peter when he makes this statement. I am not sure Peter would refrain from such conjecture when a prominent athlete dies, but I still agree with what he says.

d. "Joey Chestnut Wins Hot Dog-Eating Contest.'' Whoever at ESPN thought of televising the Fourth of July contest from Coney Island and giving it some form of sporting glory ought to not only be fired but also sent to a class for education on world hunger.

Ok, now Peter is just being a little bit touchy. World hunger is a problem but I don't think all hot dog eating contests should be banned because of it. What's funny is that I am sure Peter has never turned down a huge buffet at a nice banquet or in the sports box of a stadium and then wasted some of the food on his plate. It's not exactly equal to a hot dog eating contest but as much free food as Peter has gotten at nice restaurants (or food paid by someone else), you would think he wouldn't be on such a high horse about this.

Ok, two more things I agree with Peter on before I go vomit:

On the day when Astana teammate Alberto Contador virtually clinched the 2009 Tour de France title -- quite precisely, minutes after the stage was over and Contador all but copped the Tour -- Armstrong announced on his website, on a Twitter page and on a corporate website that he was forming a new team for 2010 in conjunction with RadioShack. How distasteful. How selfish.

Lance Armstrong is a strong and admirable guy for coming back from cancer to win so many Tour De France races but he also has a strong history of being kind of a prick. This is comparable, yet actually worse in my mind than A-Rod announcing he is opting out of his deal when the Red Sox clinched the World Series, like he did in 2007, because Contador was Lance's teammate.

It's ironic because I always argued the media did not have to cover the A-Rod opting out story, so they should not bitch about him doing it. If they did not like it, they should not have covered it as much as they did. I did not hear about Lance Armstrong forming the RadioShack team until I read it here, so I guess the media decided not to cover this happening, which proves the media can ignore something if they want to.

It's ridiculous for ESPN to not cover this story for two days because of the apparent flimsiness of it, seeing that it's a civil suit and not a criminal one. When a lawsuit is filed in a courtroom somewhere in the United States of America involving the Super Bowl champion quarterback, it's absolutely, positively news and must be reported.

It's ESPN, they are an entertainment network, not a sports network. It's not their job to report the news, it's their job to make the news. Really I am not sure Peter can complain about another media outlet not reporting on a story when he bows at the alter of so many famous athletes and football guys tends to shade them the way they want to be seen.

8. I think one of the guys we'll all have eyes on this summer is the first-round pick of the Raiders, wideout Darrius Heyward-Bey. Seems like a classic boom-or-bust pick.

I'm sorry, is it early May and the draft just ended? This is another example of Peter arriving late in noticing something.

His college coach, Ralph Friedgen, is a huge fan of Heyward-Bey's, but he also says the wideout needs to improve his hands. "There would be times in practice he would really struggle,'' Friedgen said.

I can't emphasize enough how much I hated this pick.

a. I give up on the Black Berry Storm. I was seduced into buying it when it was The Next Big Thing, but the weird and hard-to-use keyboard should make it the Edsel of mobile phone and e-mail devices.

b. Incredibly, I sat behind the man who invented the hard-to-use keyboard of the Storm at Fenway one day when I was off ... and ended up telling him what I thought of the keyboard. A tad awkward, but someone's got to address how hard it is to hit each key just so when you're trying to send a text. I need those upraised letters.

You know this guy who invented the keyboard had to be thinking, "just my luck, I get a whiny sportswriter who got a free phone from his company bitching to be about how hard it is to get his fat little fingers to push the buttons when I am trying to watch a baseball game." I don't care how bad the keyboard is, I feel bad for this guy.

I don't know if this is incredible, I tend to save incredible for more important and amazing events. This was an incredible coincidence maybe.

e. I've seen a lot of John Smoltz over the last month. Doesn't look like the Smoltz we've all gotten to respect. The game looks too hard for him.

Bill Simmons called him "a National League pitcher" the other day on his Twitter. Bill is an idiot. Smoltz never had a problem facing the American League in the World Series. What everyone wants to forget is that Smoltz is not a young guy, he is a 42 year old pitcher coming off his third arm surgery. That may be why he did not get a massive offer for guaranteed money from the Braves to stay with the team. Oh, and yes, though I miss him greatly and it sucks to see him get hit hard, I am glad a smart move was made.

i. It's not the Yankees the Red Sox have to worry about. I've never felt that way the whole season. Yanks, playoffs, fait accompli. It's Tampa Bay.

The Yankees are 9-1 over their last ten games and are 2.5 games in first place. Peter, you just keep thinking the Rays are the ones the Red Sox have to worry about...maybe in a fight for the Wild Card spot.

As you can see nothing has changed and Peter still doesn't seem to completely understand the sport of baseball or he is too busy complaining to the Blackberry Storm keyboard designer to pay attention to learn anything.