MMQB Review: Let's Create Some Storylines Edition

I think Peter King posts his MMQB later in the early morning just to annoy me. I believe he knows the only way to avoid my derision is to post the column more towards 9am than 5:30am on a Monday morning. Well, I am not going to let him win. I wait for him to clean the coffee stains off his Brett Favre pajamas and wipe the donut crumbs off the computer keyboard to submit his weekly ode to being a football "insider" who doesn't really follow most of the 32 NFL teams he is paid to follow. More importantly, will he mention Brett Favre (even though the Vikings had a bye week) like he has in every MMQB since January (and beyond)? More importantly, is there even anything to talk about without Favre having played this week? His MMQB is shorter for this week and Brett Favre didn't play, but I am sure that is just coincidence.

Much of the past week I've spent researching and writing a Peyton Manning story for Sports Illustrated's NFL midseason report, which you'll see this week.

Peter King? Did a story on Peyton Manning? I don't believe it. Has Peter King ever interviewed Peyton Manning before? Do they know each other at all? I wonder what type of difficult and thought provoking questions Peter will ask Peyton? Actually I have the questions right here. The answers to these questions are GUARANTEED to be in this story.

-How Manning feels without Tony Dungy being the head coach (along with a quote from Dungy about how good Manning is at being a quarterback.)
-How Manning feels without Marvin Harrison being around.
-How Manning is adapting to Jim Caldwell as head coach.
-What he thinks about his young receivers and how much extra work he is putting in with them.
-How happy he was when Jeff Saturday was re-signed.
-What new responsibility he has had to take since Tom Moore took a step back and Howard Mudd is no longer with the team.

Why pimp a story that we already know the questions and answers to?

The Pats and Colts play Sunday night in Indianapolis, and even though the two teams will spend today tightly battening down the hatches so their all-important "focus'' isn't disturbed, let me do the honors.

I officially declare Patriots-Colts Hype Week kicked off.

I don't know how many times we have to discuss this issue. It doesn't have to be Patriots-Colts Hype Week if the media doesn't make this exist. I would bet 75% of football fans are not talking about Colts-Patriots this week, yet 50% of the coverage will be on that game. It will be a good, exciting game but that doesn't mean we have to hype it out and make it any bigger than one game in Week 9...which is all it really will end up being.

God, I hate hype. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I hate talking about things, let's just wait on the game to be played and talk about the game slightly more than other games as the best game of the weekend, then let's focus on something else. All this hype is needless.

November Sweeps Factoid of the Week: This is the fifth straight year the Colts and Pats have met in the first half of November.

Well, that must mean this is the single best matchup in the history of the NFL because what games are shown on national television is representative of the best and most exciting teams. Or it could be representative that this is a matchup between two quarterbacks and teams that are traditionally good teams and the media hypes the absolute shit out of the game until everyone just watches the freaking game to make sure they know when it is all over.

More than all other games, New England-Indy is the game TV loves.

Probably because the networks keep scheduling this game. It doesn't just magically appear on the television schedule, someone has to place it there.

But in preparing the Manning story, I got this from Qadry Ismail, the former receiver (he played one year for the Colts, 2002, before retiring with a neck injury) who was one of a few people I reached to try to dissect why Manning was playing so well with a new cast of characters this year. Ismail's delightfully opinionated, and the matchup he loves in this game is Manning-Belichick, not Manning-Brady.

If there is anyone else incredibly qualified to talk about what a great quarterback Peyton Manning is, then it is definitely a guy who played one year with Manning in 2002. What, Peter couldn't get the parking garage attendant or concession stand manager to give their opinion on Manning and his career?

"Peyton Manning and Bill Belichick are twins from another lifetime,'' Ismail said. "They both have the same mom and dad. [Writer's Note: That would surprise Archie and Olivia Manning, and Jeannette Belichick.] When I read about Belichick's life, it's Peyton to a T. No matter who you put around Peyton with the Colts, the beat goes on. No matter who you put on Belichick's team, the beat goes on. They don't allow anything to interfere with winning.''

Read this stupid ass quote. This is a go-to money quote for Peter King and in 2009 this passes for analysis. This quote is one of the reasons I write on this blog everyday until I get fired from my job, have a nervous breakdown and all my loved ones leave me.

What did this quote tell us? Let's look at each line and see how stupid this quote truly is.

Peyton Manning and Bill Belichick are twins from another lifetime

First off, this means absolutely nothing and is nonsense talk, and second, both Belichick and Manning are alive at the same time...thereby encompassing the same lifetime so they can't be twins from different lifetimes because they are alive at the same time...so they would just end up being twins.

When I read about Belichick's life, it's Peyton to a T.

So Bill Belichick was born to a man who was an NFL QB, has a brother who was an NFL QB, he personally played QB in the NFL, and is also considered one of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL?

And Peyton Manning was a defensive coordinator under Bill Parcells, has taken two (three?) head coaching jobs, and won 3 Super Bowl rings? The parallels between these two people are non-existent in my mind. But let's just stretch a little bit to try and hype this game up in different fashions.

You know Marlin Jackson and Tom Brady both went to Michigan and both play on successful NFL teams. They are pretty much brothers.

Maybe the attitudes of Manning and Belichick towards losing and competition would fit each other to a T, but not their lives.

No matter who you put around Peyton with the Colts, the beat goes on. No matter who you put on Belichick's team, the beat goes on. They don't allow anything to interfere with winning.''

This is absolutely pure hyperbole because it does matter who you put around these guys. Both Manning and Belichick has surrounded themselves with good players for what they try to do as a quarterback and head coach respectively. They themselves are personally responsible for their own success, but it takes a certain receiver to play for the Colts and Belichick wants a certain kind of player on his Patriots teams. This has a lot to do with their winning of football games. You can't really just throw anyone out there and expect either Belichick or Manning to be successful.

It's an interesting comparison. Belichick grew up idolizing the football team -- particularly Roger Staubach -- at the Naval Academy, where his dad, Steve, coached. Manning grew up idolizing his dad, the quarterback of the Saints.

That's a reach in my book.

Both hung around the game from age 6 on, Belichick riding to the Baltimore airport with his dad to pick up game films when they arrived from next week's opponent, then watching them with the team when his dad allowed. Manning watched film at home in New Orleans when his dad brought his work home.

Another reach for a comparison between the two men.

Not much has changed. In training camp this year, former Patriots DB Ellis Hobbs told me it wasn't rare for Belichick to call him into his office and put on tape of the receiver he'd be facing that week, then sit there watching the player's tendencies for 45 minutes. In Indianapolis last week, I learned rookie receiver Austin Collie and Manning sit together every Thursday, alone, to watch video, apart from the endless meetings where the team and positions groups watch game and practice tape.

They both watch game tape? Well that changes my opinion completely then. Are we sure Belichick is not Peyton Manning's father? I am pretty sure they are the only two people in the NFL who watch game tape and watch more than the daily recommended amount.

Manning's usually a great storyteller, but he zipped it pretty tight last week, amiably declining my request for a one-on-one.

It's not what you think King meant by this "one-on-one," so don't jump to conclusions. Peter wanted to proposition Peyton Manning in that way. Everyone knows Peter is in a monogamous white quarterback relationship with Brett Favre. As soon as Favre retires, all bets are off, but for right now he is a one man guy. It doesn't mean he can't long for Manning though.

He spent five minutes after his weekly media scrum at his locker Wednesday, and these were the only things I learned: He wears a Timex digital watch with a Gatorade logo that's set 11 minutes ahead of real time; and he has a ridiculously vivid memory of everything he's ever done in this game. He remembers the formation, the cornerback and the play from Ismail's first touchdown in the 2002 season-opener. He's like one of those golfers who can recite hole-by-hole club selection and shot distance in his sleep.

It's good to hear that Peter King doesn't have any hero worship going on for Peyton Manning here. I can picture Peter with his legs kicked up under him in Indian style listening to Peyton talk while Peter pulls a Colts notepad and a Colts pen out of his Colts bookbag. I bet Peter nods in agreement when talking to Peyton Manning and actually TELLS Manning how impressive he thinks he is. I would be scared to be interviewed by Peter King if I were an NFL player who was successful like Peyton Manning. I feel like he would idolize me a little bit too much.

I actually didn't mind Manning not talking. He's so good and vivid and descriptive that you can become entranced by his words and stories.

I mean seriously. Is this guy a serious sportswriter or a future subscriber to "Teen Beat?" I'm sorry I can't take Peter King seriously as a sportswriter when he writes shit like this. He needs to get his head out of athlete's asses.

I think I've gotten beneath the surface of the closed city of Manning a bit, but I'll let you be the judge of that. Hope you like the story a tenth as much as you like Colts-Pats on Sunday.

I don't want to know more about Peyton Manning or get beneath his skin to see what makes him tick. I want to read interesting stories, and if this story is interesting then that's great, but if it is just a hero worship of how badass Peyton Manning then maybe he should quit with the idolizing and be a REAL journalist for a change. The sad part is there are people who love to read shit like this. They love to read puff pieces about how great players are and all of that crap. Obviously those people are not jaded like me.

What you didn't know is that Gregg Williams -- hired after coach Sean Payton gave up $250,000 of his own salary to help pay him -- would build a top-10 defense. New Orleans has beaten three big, bad playoff contenders from the East (Jets, Eagles, Giants) by an average of 20 points. I like what the 8-0 Saints have shown the past three weeks, rebounding from a 24-3 deficit in Miami and a 14-0 deficit against Carolina, sandwiching a back-and-forth Monday-nighter with Atlanta.

The Saints rebounded from 14-0 with 7 minutes left in the 1st quarter. Don't make it sound more heroic than it truly was. Also, (potential sour grapes warning) the Saints are not that good of a defensive team. They have been absolutely gashed over the past couple of weeks on defense with the running game. It's their year, they are getting breaks and winning games they may have lost in the past. Hats off to them, but the defensive is above average at best (Don't worry, I still like Darren Sharper as being Defensive Player of the Year). The fact the offense can put up points at will has benefitted them greatly this year and when it comes down to it, I don't know if I believe the Saints could stop an above average team on a drive in the last 2 minutes of a game.

They're close to the pack, but I still call the Saints the best team in football.

They are not the best team in football. I have watched three games they have played this year and after three games I have come to the conclusion they are a great team, but not the best team in football. They are definitely Top 5, but I see more flaws in this team than other people do. People compare this team to the 2007 New England Patriots team and I think the '07 Patriots were better. I know this sounds like shit from me, but they are winning games while getting breaks and they play a last place schedule (opponents have .369 winning percentage) for the rest of the season so they are going to continue to look great.

4. Brett Favre's alive. Daughter Breleigh was fit to be tied when Favre told her in late July he was staying retired, and, truth be told, Favre was in full waffling mode for much of August until Minnesota coach Brad Childress called and said it's now or never. Favre unretired for the second straight year. Good call. Vikes are 6-1, have swept Green Bay decisively, and Favre has a 16-to-3 touchdown-to-interception ratio, the best at midseason in his 19-year career.

The streak continues! Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre! You didn't really think Peter could go a whole week without talking about Brett Favre did you?

Peter King is a freaking stalker. He talks about Favre's wife and daughters in MMQB on too many occasions for my comfort. The Favre's should really look into a restraining order against him. I am not kidding. The only way I see this ending is with Peter boiling the Favre family pet in their kitchen after Brett won't return his phone calls.

That's the reason Lerner needs a Holmgren (or an Accorsi or Wolf). If someone in the office mentioned handing a hard-working but unproven coordinator $2 mill a year, Holmgren would say one of two things: "Hey, I'll do it for $2 million a year,'' or "Are you out of your mind?''

Then he would follow it up with "I'm hungry," and "Do I look like a walrus when I have a mustache?"

Do you know who Holmgren coached in Green Bay? Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre!

I think the smartest thing the Cowboys did in the offseason was jettison Terrell Owens.

This statement is why Peter King gets paid the big bucks. He is incredibly effective and clutch at stating the obvious for his readers...but he states the obvious about 5 weeks after everyone else has noticed what he is just now noticing. Really, he gets paid a lot of money for observations like this.

There's a lot of football to play, and it's too early to say anything about Dallas except that it's in first place, alone, in the NFC East, and nobody but Bum Phillips thought that'd happen this late in the season.

Nobody? Everyone knows I hate it when sportswriters lump their idiotic opinion in with everyone else's opinion, like their opinion represents what everyone thinks. I actually had the Cowboys getting the Wild Card at the beginning of the year, so I wasn't too far off personally...and I am sure there are a bunch of other people who had Dallas winning the NFC East. Peter just assumes his opinion represents everyone else's opinion too and this annoys me.

The Cowboys don't have a killer schedule. They might be good enough to spoil the Favre-Brees NFC Championship Game.

Well, we certainly can't have that happen. Look for Tony Romo or the Cowboys to get a couple bad calls down the stretch from the officials. We NEED the Brees-Favre NFC Championship Game to occur. It's what the people want.

(People being defined as "the media")

3. Julius Peppers, DE, Carolina. He woke up about three weeks ago. He's ridiculously talented, obviously. Question is, who's going to pay $12 million a year or so for Peppers, knowing they have absolutely no idea what kind of production he'll give?

Peter King hates Julius Peppers. To be fair, no one has known what production they would get from him his entire career and his numbers still are some of the best for a defensive end while he has been in the NFL. He has pretty consistently been a Top 5 defensive end and yet he is inconsistent in his performance. It doesn't mean I like Peppers or don't think he has underachieved, but his inconsistency is better than many player's full out consistency.

12. Brian St. Pierre, QB, Arizona. Someone might see him as 2010's Matt Cassel and go buy him for a fifth of the cost.

Brian St. freaking Pierre? Is this a damn joke? He is going to be 30 years old and has thrown 1 total pass in the NFL and that was five years ago. More power to Brian St. Pierre but if he is the 12th best unrestricted free agent in this class than this is the weakest class in free agent history. He has never completed a pass in the NFL and Peter King is comparing him to Matt Cassel.

15. Chad Pennington, QB, Miami.

I know Pennington is older, but only by three years, and he can't be a franchise quarterback anymore, but I think he is a better unrestricted free agent than Brian St. Pierre. Chad Pennington just got ranked lower than Brian St. Pierre in Peter King's unrestricted free agent rankings.

3. Minnesota (7-1). Good week for a bye, and for rest for Brett Favre's groin.

That's three Favre mentions...and his team didn't even play this week. Peter King really has an obsession. Therapy is needed.

11. San Diego (5-3). You won't be surprised to learn that Vincent Jackson is one of the two wide receivers on my SI midseason All-Pro team, at a newsstand or mailbox near you Wednesday.

This is the 3rd or 4th time Peter has pimped out his articles in Sports Illustrated for this week. We get it, you write some stuff for the magazine. Let the content speak for itself and if people like you, they will read it.

14. Carolina (3-5).
15. Baltimore (4-4).

A 3-5 team as the 14th best team in the NFL...over teams with an actual .500 record? The same team with a ticking time bomb at quarterback? The same team that can not throw a forward pass for a completion? Maybe if Peter watched every NFL game he would be better at ranking these teams, but I don't see how Baltimore is not ranked above Carolina.

(Secretly, I want to be happy someone recognizes how close the game was yesterday and the fact they have the 2nd hardest schedule in the NFL. All this homeristic bullshit line of thought aside, they are not a good team right now because they can't pass the ball and should not be ranked ahead of Baltimore, who beat the #4 team in the "Fine Fifteen" just last week.)

Quote of the Week II

"I think a darkhorse is Buffalo. They talked originally. There was some communication there. I think that could be a good spot.''-- Tony Dungy of NBC's Football Night in America, asked about possible 2010 landing spots for a player he is advising, Michael Vick.

Does Mike Vick really belong in the NFL at this point? I know he is not horrible, but he is going to be a distraction wherever he goes and he hasn't even come close to showing he is capable of being a backup at this point. That's just my opinion.

MVP Watch

1. Peyton Manning, QB, Indianapolis. It's a simple argument to me, Manning over Brees. Manning's playing with a bottom-five rushing game and, to survive, has to win the game offensively mostly by his arm. Drew Brees has a top-five running game. Even if they were flat equal -- and they are very close in all aspects -- the fact is Manning's value is magnified because of the lack of a running game.

Really Manning has two first round draft picks at the running back spots in Joseph Addai and Donald Brown. I don't know if it is fair to say the Colts lack a running game, but they haven't executed it very well. I don't know if that makes Manning more valuable or not honestly. The Colts have thrown the ball a lot this year and that is a testament to the Colts offensive line and Manning, but I feel like Indianapolis should run the ball better. I still say Brees and Manning are tied for the MVP.

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

Also known as the "Look how more important and annoying my problems are than anyone else's problems" section.

About three minutes late, I got to my seat, was putting away my carryon, and the aisle was still full, with a line of maybe 30 people still making if to their seats.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats so we can be ready for an on-time departure,'' she said, more urgently now.

How should we get there, ma'am? By levitating?

It wasn't even 5:45 now. We weren't leaving the gate, minimum, for 15 minutes. And this women was talking like there was a fire onboard and we had to scram or we'd all be cooked. And it wasn't even 6 in the morning, no less. Now that's a good time in the friendly skies right there.

You all want to hear about Peter's problems right? Because you have no stress in your life and you want to hear about how stressful his travel can be? I thought so.

h. I told you to take more chances downfield, Matthew Stafford, which you should do -- but not as recklessly as you did yesterday in Seattle.

We all may remember last week's column when Peter encouraged a rookie QB to take more chances down the field...then he does and Peter doesn't want him to do it recklessly. So only take chances downfield when your man is wide open? Unless you are Brett Favre, this is reckless. Got that Matthew Stafford?

c. Still want to fire Jeff Fisher, Titans fans?

I still don't believe Vince Young is a good NFL quarterback. Either way, it's good to see that pretty much everyone but the media was right about Kerry Collins just having one good year last year and now he has gone back to the Kerry Collins that sucks and is a marginal starter at best.

a. On Saturday, I shared a dressing room with Taylor Swift at NBC.

She's no U2 though. I bet she can't even do a duet cover of "One" with Bruce Springsteen and the Black Eyed Peas.

b. Jeff Garlin, I know you read this column. You're looking good. You've dropped some weight, and you're sharp. But I don't write to praise your physique or acting ability. I write to urge you, please: More Funkhauser. We out in "Curb Your Enthusiasm'' land cannot get enough of the gravelly voiced weirdo who has three good lines in every scene.

Peter King's MMQB: When a phone call, email or text just won't get the job done to convey personal information or relay a message to someone.

d. Listen to Rilo Kiley. You'll thank me.

Really Peter? I would thank him if he would quit writing stuff like this. He is now recommending indie pop bands that came into the scene nearly five years ago like we should have just heard about them.

How many more Fort Hoods and Orlandos do there have to be before our political leaders have the guts to severely restrict access to murderous weapons?

I am pretty sure the murderer was around deadly weapons all the time since they were on an Army Base. I see what Peter is saying, but the incident still happened on an Army base where there needs to be access to some weapons. Unless we want to train our soldiers in America to all be ninjas.

"Not much I can do about it, and I'm pretty used to it by now,'' said Ward. "But it does piss me off. If I was a dirty player, would my coach [Mike Tomlin] tell me, 'Don't change a thing you do?'

I think Mike Tomlin would tell Hines Ward to not change anything he does whether he is a dirty player or not, because it gets in the opponent's head.

He's right there, but I worry about Ben Roethlisberger having time to throw with outside linebacker Elvis Dumervil storming in all night, and I don't trust Pittsburgh to be able to run. I'll take Denver, uneasily, 20-13.

My feeble attempts to turn my luck around against Bill Simmons and Peter King did not work this weekend. It looks like my comeback has been delayed another week.

I hope I didn't miss anything in this that was preturbing. Sometimes it is hard to cover everything Peter says that I disagree with.