Bill Simmons Retro-Diaries The Super Bowl...But 2nd Half Only

For fear of having Jeremy Conlin need to defend Bill Simmons for the 2nd time in two weeks, I feel the need to cover Bill Simmons' retro-diary of the second half of the Super Bowl. I am opposed to retro-diaries simply because they seem like a convenient way to make it sound like a person is smarter than he/she truly is. Not to mention the entire point of a diary is to capture what a person is thinking as something is happening. No one goes back and writes a retro-diary of what they were thinking as a 15 year old when they are 21 years old, so it's a similar principle in my mind for a retro-diary about a sporting event. Still, it doesn't stop Simmons from doing it, because as usual, no one cares what I think.

I have a lot of regrets.

Perhaps writing columns this year about how Peyton Manning is now unstoppable or how Jake Delhomme will bounce back are among Bill's latest regrets?

(On a personal note, Jake Delhomme is under contract to the Panthers and there is no financial reason to cut him. So he is under contract and John Fox loves him. There is a chance he is the starting quarterback next year because Matt Moore has never looked good in training camp and Jake could potentially beat him out for the spot. I have never feared anything more in my life that is Panthers related. If it happens, I will renounce the Panthers emotionally and will have to just follow them while on an anti-depressant next year. I can't handle another year like this one.)

The Peyton Manning Face made a dramatic, improbable comeback in Miami on Sunday night. I could have been there. Could have seen it. Could have marveled at its return. And yet, I didn't stay for the game. Couldn't do it.

BUT COULD YOU HAVE SEEN IT? DID YOU STAY? YOU HAVEN'T MADE IT CLEAR YET IF YOU COULD HAVE STAYED FOR THE GAME!

Couldn't be surrounded by happy Colts fans. Couldn't deal with the reality of Kobe, A-Rod and Manning winning titles in succession. I fled Miami on Sunday morning. Quickly. Briskly.

Bill is a fan of sports, as you can tell by his passing up an opportunity to go to the Super Bowl because he doesn't want to deal with seeing one of his least favorite players win a championship. He's the Sports Guy. But, I think he should be called the Boston Sports Guy again, because when it all comes down to it, he isn't a sports fan, but a Boston sports fan...except for the NBA. In the NBA he latches on to teams when the Celtics aren't looking good to the point he could almost be a sports bigamist (i.e. tickets to Clippers games, his infatuation with the OK City Thunder).

ALMOST, I say...I am not saying he is.

We've all flirted with other teams at times in our lives (mine was the LSU college football program because I loved their aggressive defense and loved the way Bo Pelini ran a defense...that worked out well for me in the end. The Bill Callahan Era caused me to stray emotionally and I am not afraid to admit it), but sometimes Bill gets past the point of flirting where you think he may be a sports bigamist regarding the NBA. Almost.

Now it's Monday and I still can't figure out how the Colts -- the best team in the NFL, a juggernaut that was controlling the game until Pierre Garcon's deadly third-down drop midway through the second quarter, followed by a bizarre seven-minute Saints drive, a Colts goal-line stand, a three-and-out and a sneaky Saints field goal to close the half -- ended up self-destructing in the second half. So let's run it back. Retro diary. You and me. We'll even time-stamp it like it's happening live.

Absolutely. Because I am all about cheap tricks like a running diary that cause me to believe there is a lack of column ideas, excessive laziness to do a live diary, and the subtle feeling this idea was stolen from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

To make it worse, he doesn't do a retro-diary on the whole game, but just the second half of the game. He's too lazy to even retro-diary the entire game. It's nothing personal against Bill, I just hate this idea. I am not sportswriter and all my ideas haven't been great, but when I have an idea that just feels cheap, I don't post it. So I just find something else to post that day so I can post 6 days a week and who gives a shit if a day off may help me creatively, I just want to freaking post something to say I did.

(Begins drinking excessively)

Sorry for that, I hope everyone is still reading or at least skimming like they usually do.

8:20 p.m. ET: And ... whoa!!!!!!!! Allow me a couple of notes on the best surprise onside kick ever

Hyperbole alert! The best onside kicker ever? Let's give this kick a month before we start proclaiming it the best ever. Can we do this?

Second, that had to be the most exciting moment in the history of the XFL camera (those cameras that drop onto the field behind the players, which remains Vince McMahon's most underrated contribution to society).

Disagreed. I thought the on field camera ruined it because the ball went out of the frame briefly until the director probably screamed, "onside kick, back to the aerial field shot" and then cursed loudly hoping they hadn't missed the exciting play. Sometimes there is a place for the on field camera the XFL used and I don't think the kickoff is one of those times.

Speaking of which, when I make a list of 101 things I hate in sports (which I will post one day), the camera shot from court level on one side of the court while the action is on the other side of the court that is used during some college basketball games can go straight to hell. I hate it. If I wanted a court level shot, I would go to the freaking game. I can't see the action very well and what makes it worse is when the action comes down to the side of the court where the court level camera is located, the basketball goal is blocking some of the action. I greatly dislike this camera shot.

Third, it's funny that Sean Payton was praised effusively after the game for two decisions that were basically foiled -- a fourth-and-goal run that got stuffed (but inadvertently prevented Peyton Manning from unleashing a two-minute drive and DID lead to a New Orleans field goal), and a surprise onside kick that didn't surprise Baskett at all (only he reacted like one of the bomb detonation guys from "Hurt Locker").

There are times I really like Bill Simmons. This is one of those times. He is exactly right. Payton's failed fourth down call only worked because the Colts went conservative and the onside kick went RIGHT TO Hank Baskett, who should have had it. Good call by Bill.

8:25: Four quick completions for New Orleans; Dwight Freeney getting his ankle taped on the sidelines; Peyton Manning sitting glumly on the bench. You can feel it.

We can also "feel it" because we know the end result of the game. That may have something to do with the feeling we are all getting.

(Although, to this point, it was only the second most startling moment of the night. The first? Letterman bringing in Leno for a CBS ad. What was Letterman thinking? Why make Leno seem likable for the first time in a year? And how could he sit on the same sofa with that big-chinned, opportunistic, double-talking, job-stealing barracuda after Leno made that nasty joke about his marriage a few weeks ago?

I am Team Conan, but most of all, I am not a David Letterman fan. He is so smug, I have just never enjoyed his show. The biggest problem I have with the whining from people like Bill at Jay Leno is that Leno's show (like it or not) was #1 when he was taken off the air. Conan didn't deliver ratings, that's the bottom line, and if Jay doesn't deliver ratings on "The Tonight Show," he will be gone as well. It's show business, not a fucking charity event. Ratings need to happen, if they don't you get fired. That's life, get over it.

Hell yes I miss Conan, but I also know Leno didn't do anything to lose "The Tonight Show" originally and it was taken away from him for Conan. NBC wouldn't let him let him out of his contract to go to another network, which isn't fair either. Leno's jokes are downright corny and he skews to an older crowd, but I think we forget NBC made the move to put Conan on "The Tonight Show" because they valued him more than Jay Leno 2004 , who was winning his time slot at that point and had been for a while. That was a sort of slap in the face to Leno. I think some people need to be more neutral and look at the situation rationally. It's all about ratings.

By the way, Solomon Wilcots just reported that the White House is labeling The Who's halftime performance as an act of terrorism on American soil.

The biggest problem with Twitter is that enormously funny guys like Bill Simmons repeat their jokes on Twitter and in their columns. From Bill's Twitter:

The White House just announced that the Who's halftime show will be classified as an act of terrorism on American soil.
5:18 PM Feb 7th from web

There is no need to repeat the same joke really. You know how The Who played halftime because they wanted to increase record sales? Well I didn't listen to any of cd's by them, and can't for a while, because I am afraid every time I heard "Won't Get Fooled Again" I would think about lip synching and the fact Roger Daltry can't perform live anymore.

(Important note: Readers were congratulating me last night on my successful reverse jinx of Manning in Friday's column. Trust me ... that was no reverse jinx. I believed everything that I wrote. Although if it worked out that way, I'm delighted!)

Whatever. It was a reverse jinx and there is no way Bill Simmons or anyone else can convince me differently.

Did we ever figure out why Eli Manning always dresses like a 13-year-old rich kid attending his first wedding? I'm not wearing a tie! No! And I want to wear that light sports jacket with the green pants. I don't care if it doesn't match! That's what I want to wear!

I think Bill is just bitter about the Giants v. Patriots Super Bowl. I don't care if this statement is partially true or not, Eli Manning can dress however he wants and Bill is just bitter Eli beat his Patriots in Super Bowl 42.

8:46: Brees to Devery Henderson for 12. Another first down. That reminds me, I had a chapter in my book about the 33 Greatest What Ifs in NBA history. After last night, isn't "What if the 2006 Dolphins had pursued Brees instead of stupidly going after Daunte Culpepper?"

They did pursue Brees, he wanted more guaranteed money than they were currently offering to him. I feel like I should start copying and pasting this into every single post.

Yes, in retrospect going after Brees with an injured shoulder made more sense than to trade for Daunte Culpepper, who was coming off major knee surgery. The important thing to remember is that Culpepper had been a pretty great football player until that point, not that Brees hadn't been, but I think in 2005 if you made a ranking of quarterbacks Culpepper would have been above Brees.

If Miami gets Brees, the Saints don't win Super Bowl XLIV; Nick Saban doesn't flee Miami as quickly as he did, or at the very least, doesn't go to Alabama (now we're swinging this year's NCAA title as well); the AFC would have the four best QBs (Brees, Rivers, Brady and Manning); Miami's future is obviously altered; and the Saints are almost definitely playing in San Antonio right now. Good golly.

Yeah, well it didn't happen. This is why "what if" games are the stupidest thing in the history of sports. Also, the AFC wouldn't have the 4 best quarterbacks because Aaron Rodgers is still playing for the Packers. You didn't think I would forget about him did you?

"What if" games sound like fun, but they are annoying because they are pure fantasy and involve a lot of blind assumptions. Who is to say Brees has as much success in Miami with Nick Saban? He clearly isn't the offensive mind that Sean Payton is so Brees probably wouldn't have been able to duplicate his success with Chris Chambers and Ted Ginn at wide receiver. Do we really think if the Dolphins had Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown they would have an offense like the Saints run? No way.

Here's the point of the game where I became excited that my "Colts 31, Saints 23" prediction had a legitimate chance.

This is the part where I brag that my prediction of 34-31 Colts winning was halfway right because the Saints did score 31 points.

I remember thinking, "Hmmmm ..." at the time. Although I had no idea we were in Manning Face range. God, this is fun to rewatch. It almost makes up for having to spend the past three months watching Rasheed Wallace. Almost.

The lesson? Never trust ex-UNC Tar Heels players. How many of these players do you want on your team? ("Team" remember, not for individual reasons) Brendan Haywood, Vince Carter, Rasheed Wallace, Rashad McCants, and Sean May. At least Duke players suck in the realm of the team concept. Ok, I am reaching, but I just hate Rasheed Wallace and Vince Carter. I am not apologizing for this.

8:57: This can only be one place. The Masters. On CBS. Huge. Quickly.

This was actually funny. I don't know if that Tiger Woods voicemail is ever going to get old for me.

8:59: Idea for a "SportsCenter" game show segment: Show contestants various pictures of Jim Caldwell during Super Bowl XLIV, then ask them to guess the quarter and the score. I think this would be riveting.

No! Jim Caldwell is a great head coach. He led his team to a 16-3 record this year. That means he is a great head coach, doesn't it? I am kidding of course.

Quick, name one coaching decision that Jim Caldwell made this year that worked out positively for the Colts:

(waiting)

It's easy to coach when you don't have to. Hell, even Tom Cable pulled JaMarcus Russell from the quarterback position. Sure, Colts players stepped up when other players got injured, but that wasn't Caldwell's doing, other guys were just next on the depth chart. I am not saying Caldwell is a bad coach, I am saying there wasn't much coaching to be done...and when he had to coach, we all saw what happened.

Caldwell's avatar calls for a 51-yard field goal. Hooks left. Saints ball on the 41. Momentum shift.

He sent the oldest player in Super Bowl history out to kick a 51 yard field goal. That was Jim Caldwell coaching. Even Art Shell didn't like that decision.

We saw two situations last night that drive me crazy when they are mismanaged. The first was New Orleans going for it on fourth-and-goal in the first half. I believe you go for it every time. By settling for three points, you're giving up 20-30 yards of field position. If you score a touchdown, it's a huge boost for your team. If you don't get it, the other team is trapped down there and you're probably getting the ball back at midfield, anyway. It perplexes me when teams kick in that spot.

(coughing) John Fox.

Same for screwing up those fourth-and-longs from the 30-35-yard range -- if you don't have a kicker who can definitely make it, pin them inside the 10 with a punt. The three points aren't worth the possibility of NOT making it. Right?

When John Fox reads these words he actually reads, "it makes sense to punt even if you are in field goal range and have a reliable kicker."

9:12: Six straight completions for Brees. First down at the Indy 5. Combining his 2008 season (second-most passing yards ever) with this season (winning a Super Bowl, outplaying Warner, Favre and Manning in the playoffs) and his Super Bowl performance (32-of-39, 288 yards, no picks, no fumbles, complete control), as well as what he means to his team and his city, I guess the biggest shocker coming out of Super Bowl XLIV is that Drew Brees is clearly the best quarterback alive right now. By any calculation.

What's annoying about sports is that 12 months from now if Peyton Manning or Tom Brady win another Super Bowl, we will be saying the same thing about them. "The best quarterback alive" award always changes whenever a great quarterback wins the Super Bowl...or at least it feels that way to me.

9:14: Touchdown, Shockey. During my bachelor party in 2003, we rode an elevator to the Palms' rooftop nightclub with him and his female, um, companion. My No. 1 troublemaking friend, Cousin Sal, was in there with us. The elevator started going up and we all waited for Sal to do something. Finally, he screamed out, "Shock-ehhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!" like a Giants fan would. Shockey laughed. A few seconds passed. Sal did it again. Now Shockey was half-dying for the elevator to get to the top, though he was definitely a little banged up and enjoying the comedy. Sal did it four or five more times. We were rolling. Then the doors opened and Shockey wobbled out with a smile on his face as Sal belted out one last time, "Shock-ehhhhhhhhhh!"

Is there anything more exciting than hearing about other people's bachelor parties and the jokes that go on with those parties? These stories are especially (not) interesting when you don't even know the person relaying the story. The lesson we have learned is that Bill's friends are HILARIOUS, in case you couldn't tell from all the awesome stories they have.

9:19: Saints 24, Colts 17. Not only is the Manning Face cooking with gas right now, but the Saints coaching staff just broke the Super Bowl record for "most swinging fist pumps." It's almost as though they took a class to perfect them.

I know I sound like Bill Simmons but it did startle me at how much it looked like the Saints wanted to win the game and how much the Colts were treating the game like just another game.

9:24: After the 17-yard pass to Garcon for a first down, Manning nearly gets picked by Malcolm Jenkins on an awful throw to Wayne. Hmmmm.

I like how Bill writes "hmmmm" like he doesn't know what is coming next or was actually able to predict what was going to happen. That's a lie. Bill thought exactly what the rest of America thought at this point. We all probably thought that Manning had made his one terrible throw for the game and the Saints didn't capitalize on it. No one thought Manning had another terrible throw coming. I would bet 95% of the world thought Manning was tying the game with a touchdown pass after this near interception.

I was just excited I found out what happened to Malcolm Jenkins. This 1st round pick is now a 4th cornerback for the Saints. Considering he was considered "NFL ready" when he was drafted this year, it might be smart to either move him to safety now or figure out why he didn't make an impact this year.

Meanwhile, Simms tells us that New Orleans went into the game with three defensive game plans -- one for the first half, one for the third quarter, and one for the fourth --

I don't even know how this is possible. What if the game plan is to blitz a lot in the 4th quarter but your team is up 14 points. Is it really smart to blitz Manning a lot at that point? What if your team is down 14 points, does it make sense to sit back and not blitz if that is the 4th quarter game plan? I have a lot of questions about this. Phil Simms just can't throw information like this at me and expect me to just accept it without a ton of questions.

9:25: Two straight first-down throws. Suddenly we're on the Saints' 36. I remember thinking, "Great, they'll tie it, then whichever teams wins the coin toss will march down and score, and we'll have to hear about how to fix overtime for the next nine months. Shoot me."

I think every person in the world thought the same thing.

(FYI: I know how to fix it. Win the toss and score a touchdown, game over. Make a field goal on the opening drive and the opponent gets one possession of its own. From there, sudden death rules. Find a hole in that idea. You can't.)

I can find holes in ANY idea. Here are the holes:

1. This idea wouldn't fix the fact Manning didn't touch the ball last year in the playoffs...which is what really started this whole media fascination with overtime.

2. What good will one more possession do after both teams have spent 60 minutes playing each other? Why have another possession and THEN go to sudden death? If the NFL adopted this idea, they should just start overtime with sudden death because the team that wins the coin toss will still have the advantage because they get the ball first in sudden death under Bill's overtime plan.

9:26: Manning misses Collie over the middle and gets popped. Third down and 5. Timeout for an injured Saint, 3:24 to go. Everything is about to change.

"Everything is about to change." See it is not a retro-diary, but it becomes more of a game recap. I just dislike retro-diaries.

3. A long interception touchdown in a big moment is the single most exciting play to see in person at a football game, narrowly edging a touchdown bomb, a punt return TD and any time JaMarcus Russell tries to complete a pass longer than 3 yards. You can see the guy break better in person, and if the crowd is leaning toward that team anyway, the fans (usually dead, with only two exceptions this past decade: Rams-Pats and Giants-Pats

I would be more shocked if the two examples Bill used here as times when the Super Bowl crowd was leaning heavily towards one team DIDN'T involve two games the Patriots were involved in. You know, because the Patriots are so special that everyone loves them or hates them. No other crowd at a Super Bowl cares about what happens in the game if the Patriots aren't involved. This happens because everything in the NFL revolves around the New England Patriots.

At least in Bill's world it does.

Magnificent to watch. Anyone who cares about sports needs to be in the building for one of those just once.

Says the guy who intentionally skipped attending the Super Bowl because he is a bitter, angry person (Yes, I know he saw one in the Rams v. Pats Super Bowl). I would submit a person who has tickets to the Super Bowl and turns them down for anything other than financial reasons isn't a real sports fan. Especially if he is currently visiting the city where the Super Bowl is being held. There is no reason to skip the Super Bowl at that point.

5. I thought Simms and Nantz were fine. I like them. But Manning's pass was so horrendous at such a huge moment that NOT calling him out for it just seemed strange. He had a chance to be immortal if the Colts won that game; instead, troublemakers like me get to make Manning Face jokes

By writing "troublemakers" Bill means, "I am the most popular columnist on the most popular sports web site in the United States," or as others may call him "the very epitome of a mainstream writer." Being a New York Times best-selling author doesn't help his case as a troublemaker either.

But hey, if Bill wants to feel like he is fighting the machine, I hope makes him feel like a rebel. Unfortunately, it is not true. He's isn't a troublemaker, he works under and obeys the rules ESPN has for him because he wants that nice paycheck. Sure, he acts up like a teenager would in a passive-aggressive manner sometimes, but he also backs down. There is nothing wrong with it, he's just not a troublemaker in my mind.

Then Bill throws in a few more Patriots references, a "what if" scenario, and ends the retro-diary. It wouldn't be a Bill Simmons column without some of Bill's "creative" readers chiming in:

(Bill Simmons is gone from ESPN when his current contract runs out. I am telling you. It is getting to the point he is using readers comments for a lot of his columns. It is not laziness, I just think he doesn't want to write anymore for ESPN.)

I now await the Colts attempting to ban the onsides kick in the next competition committee meeting.
-- Mike, Alexandria, Va.

I can see Bill Polian slamming his hand on his desk while on the phone with Roger Goodell saying, "I never liked the onside kick! How is it even legal!? This needs to be changed immediately!"

So I was thinking that the people of New Orleans owe some amount of thanks to Ashton Kutcher for their Super Bowl victory. Prior to being punked, Frankie Muniz was a spoiled little rich kid. The world got to watch Malcolm cry when he believed that his car was stolen. But he went on to grow a pair of stones, take over the head coaching position for the Saints, and ultimately make one of the ballsiest calls in Super Bowl history.
-- Matt, Irvine, Calif.

Weak........If this were a comedy club I would be throwing things at Matt from Irvine, California right now.

Do people realize that if Reche Caldwell could catch, Peyton Manning would still be without a Super Bowl ring?
-- Pierre Palo, Ames, Iowa

Do people realize if the Raiders had beaten the Patriots, Donovan McNabb wasn't secretly overweight, and John Kasay could kick a football straight on a kickoff the Patriots wouldn't have won a Super Bowl in the 2000's? Do people realize if Tony Dungy hadn't quit the Buccaneers and they didn't hire Jon Gruden then the Bucs wouldn't have a Super Bowl winning team? Do people realize if the Grizzlies management had a brain the Lakers wouldn't have won the NBA Title last year?

You can pretty much change one event in any important game and come out with a different result. It's not like this is interesting to do. It's sports and the fact one event can change a game or season so much is what makes us all like sports.

Peyton Manning and Bobby Cox are both considered great, especially during the regular season, but both of them are completely incapable of realizing the game isn't going their way, adjusting the game plan, and executing. In my opinion, that is the mark of a champion and a great player. Minus Dave Justice and a city known for choking worse than the Braves, my city would still be without a championship, ever. Minus a mediocre Bears team, so would Peyton Manning.
-- Kyle, Atlanta

Kyle, you are an ignorant person. I hate calling people names, but this is true. Obviously Atlanta isn't your city since if it were you should realize if you throw things another way the Braves have multiple championships. Minus Kirby Puckett, Jim Leyritz, and Bobby Cox's typical mismanagement of the bullpen the Braves would have had 3 World Series titles. It can go the other way my friend because Atlanta was on the wrong side of close games as much as they benefited from good luck or a certain player being on their roster.

If Houston had not been afraid of Derek Jeter's salary demands in 1992, the Braves may have ended up with at least 2 World Series titles and who know how many World Series titles the Yankees have now.

I thought I'd gotten over the whole Brees/Culpepper fiasco. But now Brees has a ring that he won on our home turf, Saban went undefeated after snaking us … give me a reason why I shouldn't jump off the Biscayne bridge.
-- Rick, Miami

Rick, you just wrote into Bill Simmons whining about your favorite team. You have no reason not to jump off the Biscayne bridge, or any bridge, at this point.

I'm sitting in my bed having just returned from the French Quarter, where I watched the Saints win the Super Bowl. I can't stop crying. And like, I know I'm a chick, but this is a different kind of tears altogether. Is this love?
-- Stephanie, New Orleans

It's alcohol.

I love the Colts. I love The Who. I became an atheist after last night. Thanks for listening.
-- Dominic Eiser, Wichita, Kan.

Bill listens because he is the self-proclaimed Sports Whisperer. I can't wait to see his retro-diary of the 2009 World Series. Wait, he wouldn't cover that one in any fashion because it didn't involve the Red Sox. Sports Guy my ass.