Bill Simmons. A Two-Part Mailbag.

That title pretty much sums it up pretty well. Fresh off his completely and utterly insane notion that Tiger Woods has it worse in his comeback attempt than Muhammad Ali did, Bill Simmons is going back to what he does best...going through the email he receives from his overly devoted followers and get to have his ego boosted by knowing they love and follow his every move. Are you ready for self-referential jokes and pop culture references that only a Bill Simmons mailbag can provide? I'm not.

Twenty-five years ago today, Larry Bird turned into a fireball, dropped 60 points and had the Hawks going into convulsions on the bench. Greatest random TV night of my life.

This should obviously be a national holiday. Not because of Larry Bird, but because something as important as Bill's "greatest random TV night of his life" should be commemorated in some fashion.

As always, I will be making fun of Bill and his readers at times during this post.

As always, these are actual e-mails from actual readers.

That Bill edited slightly or wrote for them and put their name on them.

"I am sure there is a Terrence from Fresno, California and he is probably fan of mine...so this is the question he would have written me if he had written me an email."

Conferences like Dorkapalooza (real name: The Sloan Sports Conference) and the NBA's Tech Summit are indispensable for this reason: How many times do you have a chance to hear dozens of smart/successful/thoughtful people give their take on anything?

You mean other than pretty much every Sunday morning television program that discusses the nation's economy and what effect the events of the week have had on our economy, other than pretty much any other conference that involves people are who experts in their field, and anytime Joe Posnanski writes something with Bill James? Very rarely does this happen. Granted, these people are not all in the same room as each other, but "Dorkapalooza" isn't the only time this gathering of intelligent minds happens.

Also, how non-shocking is it that Bill gives this gathering a dated mid-90's nickname? I am surprised he didn't try to name it after Lilith Fair.

Then Bill breaks down how everyone at the event fits into 3 groups and because he knows what everyone in the world is thinking at all times, tells us about the interplay between these groups and what each group thinks. I would call Bill an amateur psychologist, but that would be selling him short. He's a fucking genius because he KNOWS what each group thinks about each other and all he has to do is attend 1-2 of these events and he can stereotype every single attendee into 3 groups...all while knowing what each group thinks of the other.

I appeared on Michael Lewis' panel ("What The Geeks Don't Get")

I like how Bill brilliantly tries to play both sides of the fence when it comes to statistics. He attends enough of these meetings in case someone he likes loves statistics and he can worm his way into that person's life and be an "expert" also...but he doesn't talk about it too much or else he won't appeal to the conventional fans out there who don't completely trust statistics.

For instance, Cuban outspends everyone else, tries to accumulate as much information as possible and constantly looks for new ways to gain an edge, whether it's with adjusted plus-minus data, referee data, psychology or whatever.

I guess these same calculations told him to trade Devin Harris for Jason Kidd?

Kraft believes you can't pay a player more than they're worth; once they exceed that value, you let them go and find someone else. (That's why the Patriots value draft picks so much; they are constantly trying to replenish talent before it gets too expensive.)

What? You are kidding. I bet the Patriots are the only team in the NFL to do this. Actually, they probably do it the best, but this is a pretty simple idea and I don't need it explained to me like it is a novel idea.

And Polian believes in building through the draft but then spending enough to keep that homegrown nucleus together.

But more importantly, Bill Polian hates the Combine. It's useless and his draft board is already set. He's currently trying to get the NFL to outlaw the Combine and onside kicks. Also, if you attempt to disagree with him, he will punch you right in the face.

You can't argue with the results, especially in the NBA, where only eight teams could be currently classified as number-heavy … and all of them are winning. Four are contending for a title (Denver, Cleveland, Dallas, San Antonio and Boston, although Boston's hopes are fading into Rasheed Wallace's belly button right now);

I am sure Boston is a number-heavy organization, but I haven't really seen it as much of late. It seems like the numbers Boston has paid attention to in the past is how great of numbers Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen put up with other teams, and then traded for these players.

two overachieved despite comically bad luck with injuries (Houston and Portland);

I like how Bill compliments Portland and uses their injuries as an excuse when it fits what he is trying to say. Normally he is bashing LaMarcus Alridge's contract and talking about how bad of an NBA player Greg Oden is, but right now he has a point to prove, so the Trailblazers have bad luck. Whatever.

As I mentioned at the conference, the big challenge for sabermetricians this decade will be learning how to educate a mainstream audience in a relatable and entertaining way. Easier said than done.

Bill mentioned this at the conference he was invited to while he was on the panel he was invited to appear on with important sports General Managers and he told this to an audience of really educated people. Really, you could say Bill educated the dorks and hung out with famous people.

Here's Bill Polian, one of the best football executives of all time, someone hitting the tail end of his career with nothing left to prove … and he still felt as if he had something to learn. That's also why he came to Dorkapalooza, and that's why Dorkapalooza is here to stay. You can never run out of things to learn.

I think Bill made up this question just so he could go on and on about Dorkapalooza and tell everyone about his experiences there. The person who asked this question, "Eddie," couldn't be a more generic name and he comes from where? Brooklyn. Where there are probably 10,000 guys named "Eddie." Hmmm...that's a little interesting.

Q: There was a waiting list to attend Dorkapalooza this year? These guys create dozens of fancy formulas to break down sports and can't master the simplicity of supply and demand?
-- Eddie, Brooklyn, N.Y.

Come on, be a Devil's Advocate...doesn't that sound like a joke Bill Simmons would make? Also, who follows this conference to closely as to know there is a waiting list or even write in to Bill about this. I am 10% Bill made this question up.

By the way, I was reading the New York Post's story about Tiger potentially playing the Arnold Palmer Invitational and noticed this quote: "A second source said, 'I would be shocked if he didn't play the Arnold Palmer.'" That got me thinking … has any celebrity ever spun off his name into two other completely self-sustained things? Arnold Palmer is Arnold Palmer, but he's also a PGA-sanctioned golf tournament, and he's a drink made up of lemonade and iced tea.

What a recycled joke. The only thing Bill brings to it is that Arnold Palmer also has a golf tournament named after him. How many times have I heard "Arnold Palmer" drink jokes in my life? Sure, Bill added the golf tournament thing to it, but overall this is pretty weak.

Q: So what did you think of the Sox signing Nomar to the one-day contract? I thought it was a nice touch. The divorce was awfully bitter, but Nomar seems to have mellowed. Just a nice gesture, unless you're Dan Shaughnessy.
-- Mike Barry, Wilmington, Mass.

SG: I'm yes-and-no on this one. I'm normally a sucker for tying up loose ends, especially for the guy who inspired my first ESPN.com column, but the concept of a one-day contract confuses me. Even if Nomar is heading into TV, why wouldn't he put on the old No. 5 one last time, then pinch-hit in a spring training game for one last round of cheers in a Boston uniform?

You mean one last round of cheers from a sparse spring training crowd where potentially almost half of the attendees aren't Red Sox fans? Nothing says, "thanks for all you have done" like having 1,000 people standing up and giving you a standing ovation as you take an at-bat against a pitcher who had a 45.00 ERA last year in AA.

For instance, if Eddie Murphy said, "I'm retiring from acting, but I want to retire as a cast member of 'Saturday Night Live' again," then they brought him to 30 Rock for a press conference and a one-day contract but he never appeared in a sketch, wouldn't that be stupid?

It wouldn't be as stupid as this comparison.

If you retire with a new team, I think you should be forced to appear for one play, shift or at-bat for them. I'm adding that to the list for my "Tsar of Sports" campaign.

I knew that damn "Czar of Sports" title Bill gave himself would never go away. I knew it. It's back and now spelled "Tsar" instead of "Czar."

Q: I saw you at the Clips/Suns game sitting three seats from Donald Sterling. Don't you know how the curse works with him? Since you sat so close to him, in your next book, it will get lots of hype and people will be lining up to buy it. After they buy it, they will get halfway through reading it, when all of a sudden the book starts to get boring, and the people throw the book away, and are pissed at themselves for spending the $19.99 for this hardcover book!

SG: Not true! See, I made a savvy move: During halftime, I had a chance to be introduced to Sterling and turned it down … not because I was afraid of meeting him (I would have loved it, actually), but because I didn't want to shake hands with him and get that Sterling Stink on me. I just pictured it unfolding like the banker who was touched by the creepy gypsy in "Drag Me To Hell" … as soon as our flesh touched, I would have had to conduct a seance and sacrifice animals to change my destiny.

So in conclusion, spending thousands of dollars for two seats to each of the 41 Clippers home games and putting money in the pocket of the man who is a racist and terrible NBA owner is absolutely fine. Actually meeting this person would make you a bad person though, so Bill needs to steer away from this at all costs. I just wanted to make sure I had this correct...and no it doesn't make sense to me either. It's fine to give Donald Sterling money, but not meet him?

Then, Bill is not satisfied with thinking he knows everything about sports and is tired of creating rules as if this is actually true...so he decides to start telling the entertainment industry how do to their jobs as well, because Bill Simmons can do everything better than anyone else. Just ask him, he will tell you.

By the way, is it wrong that I get more excited for the Dead Montage than any other part of the Oscars? On Sunday night, it was going head-to-head with the end of a Celts-Wiz nail-biter and I didn't even think twice: I kept the channel on the montage...It's that important. I'd like to nominate myself as the VP of Dead Montages. We need to take these to the next level.

And only Bill Simmons has enough knowledge to take this to the next level. This is much like how the Bucks would have stunk if Bill hadn't been named GM, except that didn't happen, and they didn't end up stinking. Either way, Bill loves to nominate himself for nearly every job in the universe and then tell everyone how he can do their own job better than they can. That's the best part about being a backseat driver of life like Bill is, he will never get the opportunity to do these things he says he can do better, so there is no way to say he is definitely wrong.

Q: It's been a month and I still can't figure out if "sexual napalm" is a compliment or an insult. Since you're an authority on pop culture, I entrust you to make the proper judgment call.
-- David, Tucson Ariz.

These readers absolutely worship Bill Simmons. I don't get it and probably never will. Clearly there is a large group people in this world who need a big brother or a father figure and think Bill can fill that void. The sad part is that I honestly believe Bill Simmons thinks he does know everything, he has no shame nor does his ego allow him to believe differently.

Q: Do you realize the Kardashian clan now holds an Olympic gold medal, Super Bowl ring, NBA ring and Heisman Trophy?
-- Faruk, Rochester, N.Y.

Actually, Reggie Bush isn't a part of the Kardashian clan because he isn't married to Kim Kardashian. So the clan only has an NBA ring and an Olympic gold medal. Picky? Yes, but a true pop culture authority could easily point this out.

SG: Just think, if Kourtney starts dating A-Rod and Brody Jenner starts dating Venus Williams, they could add a World Series ring and Wimbledon/U.S. Open titles to the mix.

And he didn't point this out. It doesn't actually count as family if you aren't married to the person in my mind...and pretty much in the mind of any insurance carrier.

Q: You wrote before 2004 that the two weeks of 1980 U.S. hockey was the best "ride" of your life. What about the two weeks starting with the 2004 ALCS and the Dave Roberts steal and ending with the World Series victory? Didn't that top it? I don't care that everyone on the Red Sox was roided out.

-- Matthew, Vermont

SG: (Nodding sadly.)

This was Bill's weekly reminder that the Red Sox won the World Series in 2004 and Dave Roberts' steal was perhaps the greatest steal in the history of sports. No one can ever forget about great Bill's life was in 2004 during this week stretch because he wrote about it at the time and he constantly reminds us of the events of that 2 week stretch.

Q: How does Jim Caldwell rank on the coaching emotionality scale with 1 being "Larry Bird the entire time he coached the Pacers" and 10 being "Jimmy V after he won the 1983 NCAA title"?
-- Matt A., Jefferson City, Mo.

SG: I like this idea, though … the Coaching Emotionality Scale! Here's how mine would look:

Why do his readers encourage Bill to make lists? Why??????? I feel like Bill reading his mailbag every week (or whenever he reads it) is equivalent to sportswriter masterbation. He gets pleasure from his readers coming to him for advice or his opinion and giving his opinion and showing off how smart he is gets him excited.

1.0: Jim Caldwell

An actual e-mail from Matt in Verona, N.J., last month: "So in my History class today, we are talking about how during the early stages of the Cold War, Stalin was blocking out all the other allied forces from entering Berlin, since they were in control of the part of Germany that contained the capital city. So America, knowing the Soviets couldn't shoot at us and start war, flew in supplies from the air to American troops stationed in Berlin. They did this until Stalin and the USSR stopped blocking us from Berlin. My teacher described this standoff as a "Who would blink first?" situation. I called out, 'Definitely not Jim Caldwell.' Nobody laughed."

Probably because the rest of your class isn't filled with unfunny assholes who worship Bill Simmons. I like how this guy told a joke in class that wasn't funny, but still thought it was funny enough that Bill Simmons would like it...and he did. I half-expect Bill to start a Simmons Cult and make it a religious organization that worships him. It's only a few steps from that anyway.

The interesting part about Bill's list of coaching emotionality is that he leaves off a guy who doesn't show much emotion on the field, yet Bill never makes fun of him...Bill Belichick. I wonder why Bill doesn't make fun of him?

3.0: Tony La Russa
3.5: Phil Jackson (post-Shaq version)
4.0: Mike Shanahan

Wouldn't he fit in well in one of those spots? I think so. I know Bill has made fun of Doc Rivers and Grady Little in the past, but he never really makes fun of Belichick for not being the most emotional guy. Maybe it is because he is successful.

Q: Just a quick moment of silence for Corey Haim. Alas, another child star has burnt out (no pun intended). Just curious, who would you include in your own personal Mount Rushmore of child stars?
-- Mounsey, Toronto

You know for every mailbag there are only two readers who ask Bill to make a Mount Rushmore or a list, but Bill prints and fulfills both requests because he just has to show everyone how smart he is. I would guess there isn't a time Bill has turned down a chance to make a list when requested, unless the requested list had something to do with actual sports or Bill doesn't know enough about the topic to make the list. He can't risk the chance someone may think he doesn't know everything.

SG: I gave this one a ton of thought. Here are my four (of my generation) …

Of course he gave it a ton of thought and of course it is only from Bill's generation. Did child stars exist before Bill came into this world? Probably not. Nothing good has happened in the world before Bill Simmons came into existence and anything that was noteworthy is only noteworthy because Bill saw it with his own eyes.

(Side note: Do you know how I know Bill Simmons is leaving his contract with ESPN when it expires? Because he loves to be right and always thinks he is right, so when he accidentally stumbles onto someone on the Internet who disagrees with him, he probably internally goes apeshit, but he can't do too much about it because if he really attacked someone, ESPN would suspend him. You know he wants to be able to answer these people. I say things about Simmons sometimes, but it's rarely very personal, though I do call him an egomaniac at times...other people say worse things though. I actually generally don't hate Bill Simmons, but I really don't like it when he does his mailbags because his readers are infatuated with him and he absolutely loves it. Bad Bill Simmons occurs when his ego goes crazy and his mailbags are a chief source of this happening. I think he wants to leave ESPN because he is tired of having people take shots at him and he wants to at least be able to answer some of those shots.)

Q: If you made your own amateur porn and wanted to put it online for your friends to watch, only you didn't want anyone else to stumble across it, what label would you give it? I was thinking "Shock/Sparks 2003 WNBA Finals" would do the trick.

-- Chris H., Philly

SG: That's not nearly as reliable as "Ruiz-Holyfield: The Complete Trilogy!" or "The Very Best Vijay Singh Sound Bites."

That's very funny Chris from Philly...but not quite as funny as Bill Simmons' joke. How do Bill's fans even like him? They email quite frequently with a good idea and then Bill HAS to be think of a better idea or "improve" their idea in some way. "Shock/Sparks 2003 WNBA Finals" is much funnier than Bill's ideas, partially because no one would label anything online with the titles Bill uses here.

This is exactly what I am talking about when I say Bill tends to have a huge ego. He can't let anyone be more clever than he is.

That got me thinking: Someone should start a blog for people who moved away from their hometowns that only features posts with pictures that make you say, "Wow, when the hell did they build that?" or "Hold on, you're telling me that they renovated that (fill in: restaurant, bar, block, neighborhood, building, hotel, apartment complex), and people now want to go there?"

This blog would get approximately 15 hits per day and would mostly have comments from people who want to make fun of that city. Oh yeah, it would also be an incredibly boring blog. I think Bill should do this and watch it fail.

Q: How has no one made a reality show about life in the Olympic Village? Specifically, the "Olympic Village: The S#*! They Should Have Shown" version. Free condoms, potential PED use, allegations of cheating and professional jealousy running rampant in exotic locations? How much more excited would you be for the Olympics if you knew you could watch Apolo Anton Ohno win a medal on NBC, then flip to MTV and watch him run through the Swedish women's downhill ski team to celebrate? You wouldn't really even have to show them training or competing at all. This would work, right?
-- Paul, Tempe, Ariz.

Hey, it's an original and fairly creative idea. Bill would normally like this, unfortunately he didn't think of it first...so he dumps on it.

SG: I brought this idea up in a podcast to Dave Jacoby, the czar of reality TV, and he made a point that was hard to refute: All of this sounds awesome on paper, but there's no guarantee at all that the actual show would be any good.

I have been talking about Bill's ego a lot today, but is another example of what I am talking about. How many times has Bill brought up fake reality shows in his mailbags and columns that he would like to see on the air? How many times has Bill really talked to someone like Dave Jacoby to see if these are ideas that would work when it was his idea? I don't know of any personally. Then one of his readers comes up with a good idea and Bill busts out with the response of, "I talked to someone who knows what he is talking and he says that is a bad idea."

I really don't get how Bill's readers like him. He refuses to let them have good ideas and always wants to improve what ideas he thinks are good so that they have the "Simmons-cleverness Stamp of Approval." Bill has come up with a bunch of fake reality television shows and never asks someone who works in television if the idea is realistic, but when his readers come up with a good idea, Bill has to immediately check the if the idea is viable or not.

Will we ever see another white, American NBA superstar? Twenty years from now, I don't want Woody Harrelson to be my best comeback when my kids ask why white people can't play basketball.
-- Bryan G., Papillion, Neb.

SG: I think Steve Nash should count...Anyway, Nash's success seems replicable to me: great character, great work ethic, super-intelligent, obvious natural talents and an extensive soccer background (giving him great footwork and enabling him to see all the passing angles). We will see that again.

Ummm...Ricky Rubio?

Q: Don't you think that the sex in the "final three" episode of "The Bachelor" has to be the best sex ever? Think about it, these women know that not only do they have to sleep with him, but they HAVE to rock his world. I think we need a term for this type of experience, and I can't think of anyone more qualified to coin one.
-- Brian, Ann Arbor, Mich.

That's weird, because it is almost like Bill Simmons said something like this in another place February 15 at 12:33am. Oh yeah, I know where!

Its always great when "The Bachelor" gets down to the final 3 and becomes a "Who will give him the best sex?" contest.

12:33 AM Feb 16th via UberTwitter

Either one of two things are happening here (here comes a short list, Bill would love me!):

1. Bill thinks his Twitter joke was so funny he had to "find" an email that says exactly what he thinks about the television show that allows him to show off his pure comedy gold "The Bachelor gets great sex" routine.

2. This reader pretty much just copied exactly what Bill was thinking and sent him an email in the hope his idol, Bill Simmons, would elaborate more and print his email. This reader knows the best way to get in a Simmons mailbag is to massage his ego.

So either way, it's either pathetic that this reader pretty much copied what Bill himself wrote and Bill forgot what he had written or Bill is very impressed with his joke enough to elaborate more on it.

Q: In his recent letter to season-ticket holders enticing us to renew or upgrade our Wolves 2010-2011 tickets for up to 50 percent off, your nemesis David Kahn gives reasons the team is heading in the right direction, including that the team has built "a coaching staff that has collected 15 championship rings."...However, as best as I can tell the other six championships include Wohl's two Ivy League titles as a player at Penn almost 40 years ago, Theus' WAC tournament title as a coach at New Mexico State, and -- yes, my worst fears were realized -- Laimbeer's three championships as coach of the WNBA Detroit Shock! Now I feel even more slimy with Kahn as my team's GM. He makes me want to scream, William Shatner-like, "Kahn!!! Kahn!!!"

SG: Look on the bright side: You get to wait another two-plus years for someone shooting 30 percent in a Euro league right now.

Boy, Bill has jumped off the Ricky Rubio bandwagon pretty quickly hasn't he? Just a few months ago, and actually a few weeks ago, he was talking about how the Timberwolves could have had Curry and Rubio right now, so they screwed up in the draft (which they did). Now, he is mocking Rubio for shooting poorly in a Euro league. I am sure once Rubio shoots better from the field Bill will jump right back on the bandwagon.

Q: Was texting an ex-gf who told me she was super broke. I asked her if she was broke enough to sleep with a stranger for money. She said not quite. That got me to thinking about different levels of broke. Think you could fill in the missing categories, Bill?

Oh God, he comes another list. See, Bill pretty much makes a list any time his readers ask him to do so. So if you want to get published in Bill's mailbag, think of an idea and then ask him to make a list. You will be published.

Level 18: "College Kid Broke"
The best kind of broke, because you're sharing the experience with your peers, and somehow it always seems to work out. You can go out with $15 and somehow end up having 15 drinks, two shots and splitting a pizza at 3 in the morning, then you wake up the next day and you have $12 in your wallet. Huh? College is like the island in "Lost" -- things happen that can't be explained, there are different tribes of people with whom you uneasily co-exist, you're living in close quarters with a bunch of people that eventually drive you crazy, you can't find a good toilet, you don't appreciate being there until you're gone (then you want to go back), and there might even be some time-traveling.

Bill Simmons is actually right about this. Good joke, I enjoyed this.

Of course, not shockingly, Bill throws in a few "broke list" mentions for porn and Vegas into his excessively long list. I mean, there are 20 different types of broke? Why not make a 100 different types?

Q: Your column on how to fix the NBA reminded me of something that took place in my dorm market place the other night. I see this heavy girl putting extra mayo on her double cheeseburger to go along with a huge plate of cheese fries topped with bacon bits. After she's done putting mayo on the burger, she walks over to the drinks and pours herself a glass of water. Above the pitcher of water there is a sign that says "Live Healthy, Choose Water." It's like she thought that somehow this "healthy" water would cancel out all the damage she was going to do with the burger, mayo and fries.

Or she just wanted a fucking glass of water. I am sure she is trying to be healthy though, since she is obviously the advertising executive who wrote the ad line "Live Healthy, Choose Water," and based on her food choices, she lives true to this principle. Anyway, carry on...

It's the same way with the owners. Let's overindulge in ridiculous contracts, but in the end we always think we can undo the damage by trying to deal them in the final year of the contract so we can free up cap space and do the process all over again. By the way, Donnie Walsh is the heavy girl and Jerome James is the extra mayo. T-Mac is the glass of water.
-- Peter, Iowa City

I see Bill's readers have taken on his characteristic of writing an entire 15 line and 8 sentence description of something by comparing it to something else, rather than just saying exactly what he is trying to say. Bill can't just say how he feels about something, he always has to compare it to a sporting or pop culture event.

SG: Yup, these are my readers.

Most people would be embarrassed by this fact.