MMQB Review: Arbitrary Rankings Made More Arbitrary By Peter Making Them Edition

After last week's revote for the Rookie Defensive Player of the Year which resulted in the exact same result, that Brian Cushing won the award, I imagined Peter would have a few things to say about this travesty put upon the world by the voters of the award. I was not wrong. He had two thoughts and neither of them were especially deep. I agree that Cushing is a cheater, but I did not expect such a strong reaction among sportswriters if/when he won the award again. Last time we caught up with Peter he was gnashing his teeth over the extreme moral dilemma that was this revote. I have been looking forward to Peter's retort to this vote in this week's MMQB and I was a little disappointed to remember this was the week Peter ranked the best teams in the NFL, while it is still the middle of May, so he didn't focus on Cushing.

I'm playing the Stadium Course here at Sawgrass today, as part of the annual Tom Coughlin/Jay Fund tournament benefiting cancer-stricken kids and their families.

Benefiting cancer-stricken kid, or kid(s)? Because after the Dr. Z fundraiser I am not used to Peter participating in a charity event that will help more than one person.

Over/under on the number of balls I put in the drink at 17: 17.

Uh-oh ladies, Peter's putting his balls in the drink. Watch out!

"Those mashed potatoes look delicious. I want to dip my balls in it!" ("The State" quote. Anyone? No? Let's move on.)

Am I just jealous Peter gets to play my favorite golf course in the United States? Yes I am, so I am going to be mean to him because of this. I would love to play Sawgrass.

Coughlin had just told the story of a child looking up at his parents when the cancer diagnosis came in, saying, "Am I going to die?''

And from the back of the audience:

"BRRRRRRRING!'' "BRRRRRRRING!''

Someone's cell phone.

Without breaking verbal stride, Coughlin said into the mike: "All right. That's at least a $5,000 fine right there. Just write the check right now.''

Tom Coughlin then finished the story, relating how he told the boy he wasn't going to die because only real heroes die and a pussy like him is going to end up living, while some kid who is tough as nails will die. Coughlin then punched the kid in the face and publicly dared the Giants to fire him.

So before I go out this morning, let me embarrass myself by ranking the NFL one through 32. That's not being overly modest -- just realistic. I stink at this. In fact, my recommendation if you really want to find out what's going to happen in the NFL this year is to take a bye on this column.

I can't yell at Peter for some self-deprecation. He does stink at these rankings though...but who could accurately rank the best teams in the NFL in May? That's like me trying to rank the best teams in college basketball in June (which I may do).

Picked the Bears to make the Super Bowl.

That was just retarded. Peter overreacted to the Cutler trade pretty badly. The Bears added Cutler and then Peter had them as one of the best teams in the NFL based on that. Not one of his brightest, shining moments.

right up to the moment 30 minutes after the Saints won the Super Bowl and Sean Payton walked up to his podium to meet the press after the game, saw me, and said: "Not bad for number 24.''

Then he popped 5 Vicodin and fondled a woman's breast.

So for five straight years there's been at least a 50-percent turnover in the playoff teams. Remember that as you throw crap at your computer when you see I don't have New England making the playoffs, but I do have Carolina in the big dance.

Because Peter's opinion means so much that people around the world will be astounded and angry he doesn't think New England will make the playoffs and Carolina will. Nothing pisses the entire world off like the mere thought the Patriots won't make the playoffs. What we will Peter's friends on his Patriots message boards think?

I feel some old fashioned Bill Simmons reverse-psychology going on here. It only gets worse later as he picks the Vikings to miss the playoffs as well.

1. Green Bay. It's not just the maturation of Aaron Rodgers. It's the carryover from a fluky end to 2009 (the weird playoff loss at Arizona) and the fact that only one team in football -- New Orleans -- had a better point differential than the Pack's plus-164 last year. I like Jermichael Finley to become a great player in his second starting season. I don't trust the pass-rush (where Clay Matthews is the only real thing), and I worry about two of the top three corners coming off ACL surgery, and aging.

So Peter has serious questions about the effectiveness of his #1 overall team's defense? But he still thinks they are the best team in the NFL despite the fact he questions their ability to play good defense? Playing good defense is the key to winning a Super Bowl in my mind. This isn't starting off well if Peter's #1 team description involves big questions he has about their defense.

2. San Diego. I didn't like how much the Chargers traded to get Ryan Mathews (the 28th and 40th picks in a strong draft) when they probably could have gotten him for less, but that doesn't mean I don't like what Mathews is going to do. I think he'll be the offensive rookie of the year.

How the hell could Peter not like the trade-up for Ryan Mathews by San Diego and then say he will be Offensive Rookie of the Year? He's the best offensive rookie in the NFL if he wins that award, almost any trade up would almost be worth it...especially since he fills a big hole in the Chargers backfield. Who knows when the Chargers could have gotten Mathews? Maybe they could have gotten him later, but you can't question the trade-up if you also predict Mathews wins the Offensive Rookie of the Year award. You just can't, because it doesn't make logical sense to do this.

4. Indianapolis. I see no reason, either in the competitive level of the division or in the Colts' slippage, for Indy to regress. Manning will be Manning, and he has the young weapons to be good as long as his body will hold up now, even if one of his valuable pieces like Reggie Wayne breaks down.

I'm going to go ahead and be bold and say the Colts aren't going to be 14-2 if Reggie Wayne breaks down this year. Unfortunately for the Colts, anything less than 14-2 is a regression. I don't care what Peter says about Manning or the Colts other receivers. The Colts receivers are good, but I think they will regress from 14-2 if Wayne gets injured. That's a lot of Austin Collie and Pierre Garcon and not a lot of Reggie Wayne for the defense to cover.

6. Miami. I probably like the young quarterback more than most do; I think Chad Henne is set for a breakout year, and I think the receiver group (Brandon Marshall, Brian Hartline, Davone Bess) will be good enough to give Miami enough at that position for the first time in years. Even though the Dolphins didn't get a fourth receiver like the one they wanted (Demaryius Thomas) on draft day,

Just to belabor the point about how much I didn't like the Broncos draft, for the Miami Dolphins Demaryius Thomas would have been the 4th receiver (according to Peter King) while in Denver Thomas is expected to be replacing a Pro Bowl receiver, Brandon Marshall and possibly start beside Eddie Royal. He isn't seen as good enough by Miami to potentially beat out Brian Hartline, but he may start for the Broncos. Thomas is a semi-project in my mind. He's not ready to play right now. I did not like this draft pick for Denver, but what do I know?

There's a lot about this team that's a tinderbox. Will Santonio Holmes and Braylon Edwards coexist peacefully?

I think they will. Braylon is focused on dropping balls and at the same time requesting the ball more, while Santonio Holmes wants a new contract so he will be on his best behavior.

Can LaDanian Tomlinson be happy being a middle-relief pitcher?

No, he won't. Would it shock me if Tomlinson came out of the gate strong this year for a few games, then everyone will say he is back, and then he will have 300 yards over the last eight games? No, I actually think this will happen.

Will Antonio Cromartie tackle, even a little?

This guy seemed to find enough women to impregnate in San Diego, imagine the damage he could do in New York. Will he have more conceptions or interceptions this year? I say interceptions, but only because more quarterbacks are going to be throwing the ball at him (due to Revis) than women will be throwing themselves at him...barely.

8. Carolina.

It's official. My favorite team will not make the playoffs this year. Thanks a lot Peter.

11. Seattle. I don't love the division, so it's logical to give Turnaround Team of the Year to Pete Carroll and the Seahawks.

Also known as the, "first team to 9-7 wins the division" race.

Charlie Whitehurst, Leon Washington, LenDale White (laugh if you must, but he'll be a factor because Carroll will know how to press his buttons) and a slew of other role players will see to that. I say Matt Hasselbeck has one more sound year in him, and he'll have weapons enough to edge the 49ers and Cards for the division.

The Seahawks could almost go 7-9 just with a healthy team this year and factor in the draft the Seahawks had and I can see Pete Carroll "Amelia Bedelia-ing" (check out that pop culture reference) his way to a 10-6 first year record. I like the Seahawks this year a lot, but mostly because I don't like the division that much and the Seahawks are improved. They seem to be on the right track, but this year could give them unreal expectations for how quickly they may turn it around.

ON THE PLAYOFF BUBBLE

13. Minnesota. Whether old What's His Name comes back or not will determine Minnesota's fate, Brett Favre or no Brett Favre, is an offensive line in decline.

I call "bullshit" on this. There's no way Peter believes the Vikings are going to not make the playoffs this year. Peter is definitely using some reverse-psychology here and trying to do whatever it takes to set his expectations that Brett-boy won't be in the playoffs, while he not-so-secretly hopes he is wrong.

14. New England. I still don't know who will rush the passer, who the shutdown corner is, who the Mike Vrabel/Rodney Harrison defensive leader is, and if there's enough depth at wide receiver to survive until Wes Welker returns.

Why the hell is Peter counting out the Patriots this year? They won the division last year and had a home playoff game. I know they don't have a running game, but they won double digit games last year without a great one and they can do it again. The Patriots won 11 games in 2009 with Matt Cassel as the quarterback, they aren't a team that appears to be regressing.

17. Houston. Will the Texans be in it after eight weeks, with the Brian Cushing debacle and the schedule (Indy, at Washington, Dallas, at Oakland, Giants, Kansas City, at Indy, San Diego)? That offense better rev it up.

The Brian Cushing debacle? The AP gave Julius Peppers Rookie Defensive Player of the Year AFTER knowing he had missed four games for being suspended for violating the league's drug policy. They gave him the award anyway and I don't recall there being an uproar. Shawne Merriman was suspended the year after he won the award and no one tried to take it away from him. How is this a "debacle?" The voters set a precedent previously of allowing guys who are suspended for violating the league's drop policy to keep the Rookie Defensive Player of the Year award. Cushing is a cheater and out for four games, let's leave it alone now.

24. Detroit. If the Lions were in the NFC West, they might win it this year.

Huh? The Lions are improving, but they would not win the NFC West this year. I am not saying they wouldn't have a better record in the NFC West than in the NFC Central, but I don't think they could win the NFC West. Besides, Peter only has one team from the NFC Central making the playoffs this year and ranks Chicago below Detroit, so it is not like he believes the NFC Central is going to be a powerhouse.

26. Kansas City. I think Matt Cassel is a good player, was unfairly blamed for too much on an offense with few weapons, and will make good strides this year.

How is Matt Cassel supposed to play well without Pro Bowl-type players like Randy Moss, Wes Welker and the rest of the remnants of a 18-1 team around him? It's impossible to win under those conditions. Give this guy a fighting chance and give him at least 2-3 Pro Bowl skill position players around him on offense. It's not like great quarterbacks make other players around them better or anything.

Ok, I am going to lay off Matt Cassel, but I can't wait until I see how he plays this year. He has Dwayne Bowe, Chris Chambers, and Dexter McCluster. The excuses are done for me. Maybe he doesn't have the greatest team around him, but I still think he should have a decent year. I don't think he was unfairly blamed too much, he is getting the paycheck, the production needs to come. It wasn't all his fault, and I didn't blame him as much as I wanted to blame him because the team around him wasn't great last year. He isn't worth that contract he signed though.

29. Cleveland. Still can't believe the Browns paid Jake Delhomme $7 million to play quarterback for them this year. For a team I rank so low, there's a lot about Cleveland I like, though the passing game is not one of those things.

Jake Delhomme + an average running game + not one good receiver = ?

I can't wait to see it. It could get really brutal.

When Finley's right, there aren't three tight ends in football better than him.

Peter's talking about Jermichael Finley and I would argue this point just based on this comment alone and having nothing to do with on-field skill. The whole point of being a great tight end (or player) in the NFL is that you are "right" 99% of the time. That's the entire point of being a great player, that there are no questions about when you will show up.

Even if Finley shows up, I think there may be 3 tight ends in the NFL better than him. I know Finley has shown flashes of brilliance, but I will take (uh-oh, the Joe Morgan word) consistency over flashes of brilliance everyday of the week.

Ready for a semi-breakdown of the Patriots/Florida Gators connection? You better be:

Thought of this the other day: In the past three drafts, the Baltimore Ravens have drafted zero players from the University of Florida. The New England Patriots have drafted five Gators since 2006, the first offseason Urban Meyer would have been able to give good advice to NFL coaches about his Florida players after taking over the job in 2005.

"Don't take a quarterback from the University of Florida or one that has played in my offense." That's Urban Meyer's best advice.

For instance, with the Ravens having such a major tight-end need this year, you'd think Florida's Aaron Hernandez slipping into the fourth round would have set off alarm bells in the Ravens' draft room.

New England has to hope its three Florida draftees -- defensive lineman Jermaine Cunningham, linebacker Brandon Spikes and Hernandez -- fare better than the first two from Florida in the Meyer era. Wideout Chad Jackson and lineman Jeremy Mincey, both taken in 2006, made zero impact in New England.

That wasn't so bad. I was concerned we would get graphs and charts about the New England Patriots/Florida Gators connection. Maybe Peter is saving that for the mailbag on Tuesday.

1. I think the only things left to add on the Brian Cushing situation are these three points:

1. It is over.
2. This happened twice before in similar, but slightly different, circumstances and both times there was no moral indignation and no revote. There should not have been this time either.

I was comfortable in drawing a line in the sand from this day forward, saying I'd never vote for another performance-enhancer. But obviously some of my peers were not. My feeling is we shouldn't be able to vote for any player or coach who has been suspended for performance-enhancing drugs or for masking agents for performance-enhancers.

The voters didn't know at the time of the vote he had been suspended. Plus, I can't over the fact they gave the award to Peppers AFTER he had been suspended and there was no revote. Doesn't that set a bad example to kids as well? Why wasn't anyone worried about this in 2002?

What I oppose is a player who takes something to gain an unfair advantage over his peers.

I oppose that too, so take the person out of the voting, but don't have a revote.

4. I think Dan Snyder is correct to be disappointed in Albert Haynesworth for not showing up for the team's offseason program, minicamps or official Offseason Training Activities. It's absurd that a guy who's made more money than any other player in football over the past 14 months is boycotting practice under a new coach with a new scheme. I don't care if the Redskins are morphing from a 4-3 to a 1-6, with Haynesworth being the 1. You take all that money, you've got to show loyalty, whether you feel it or not.

I think it is interesting that the "new" Redskins are running into problems caused by the "old" Redskins ways. This is why I don't get excited over free agent signings like Julius Peppers, Albert Haynesworth, and other guys like that. You never know how it will all end up. Actually, anyone with a good mind should have known Haynesworth would turn into a turd as soon as he got paid. He only behaved and played well when he had a contract to play for in Tennessee.

5. I think it's almost as absurd to think ill of Tim Tebow for passing on a couple of huge endorsements, which he has done since the draft. Tebow knows his job right now is to prepare to be a football player, and it isn't that taking a day or two out of his prep work or vacation will do significant damage to his career. But if teammates see his mug all over TV this summer and fall pushing two or three products as a big NFL star before he's ever arrived ... not a good idea.

Tebow would never appear in a commercial for a product or a service before he actually does something in the NFL. Why have your face all over the television pitching a product or an idea when you haven't done anything in the NFL? It's not like he is doing Super Bowl commercials or anything. He should just lay low and out the spotlight like he has always done...of course it would help if Woody Paige would quit stalking him.

a. I'm not saying The Office has jumped the shark or anything, but I watched one of the DVRed new episodes (I think from the night of the draft), about Michael chasing some attractive bar owner, and I didn't chuckle, guffaw or laugh one time. I'm trying to figure out what's changed. I think it has something to do with Pam and Jim, but I'm not sure. I just know it's not very funny.

Peter didn't guffaw at "The Office?" What has this world come to? Just tell me "Family Guy" is still hilariously original and funny and all will be right in the world.

d. Well, I'm 11th out of 12 teams in my Jersey-based rotisserie league (thank you, Mr. Broxton; you too, Mr. Ellsbury), so I shook things up Sunday. Dealt Dan Uggla, King Felix (Hernandez) and geezerish Trevor Hoffman for Dustin Pedroia, Ricky Romero and Kerry Wood. The King has been underwhelming, but I know that's a gamble. Have to hope Romero pitches his next 25 starts like he's pitched the first seven.

Remember, Peter will be helping a person draft their NFL fantasy team this year. I like how he had to tell us Felix Hernandez's last name, like nobody would know who the fuck he is because we may not follow baseball as closely as Peter does. Yes, everyone knows who King Felix is and we also know you just got Ricky Romero in return for him.

e. Never live that down, Bruins. Heck of a job, Flyers. The Flyers are amazing. They expend all that energy to win four in a row, including coming back from a three-goal deficit in the decisive seventh game against Boston -- then wipe out the Canadiens 6-0 in the first game of the next round.

Paging Bill Simmons. Bill Simmons? We have gotten a hockey column this time of year for two years running, but yet he has nothing to say now. He's not really determined to get rid of that "fair-weather hockey fan" stigma he has, is he? I would love to hear his excuse for having a hockey column when the Bruins do well, but not when they choke a playoff series away. He needs to face it and not be embarrassed, he is a fair-weather hockey fan. There's less wrong with it when you can admit it.

h. Coffeenerdness: Meaningless Non-Starbucks Stat of the Week: There are 1,151 places to buy brewed Dunkin Donuts coffee within a 50-mile radius of Boston.

That's 1,151 places in a 50-mile radius of Boston that has better tasting and cheaper coffee than Starbucks.

I can't wait for Peter's mailbag and hear him defend some of his power rankings picks. It's too early to even get angry about the exact rankings, but I have a feeling some Vikings fans will have words for Peter.