Bill Simmons Does a Great Parody of a Bill Simmons Mailbag

It appears that Bill Simmons is all retro-diaried out for the time being. He has decided to grace us all with a parody of his mailbags...or at least it like a parody. I am not concerned about not having a retro-diary in two weeks, I am pretty sure we will get enough retro-diaries and talk about the Celtics over the next two weeks to last us for at least a year. I do think Bill Simmons does a pretty good parody of a Bill Simmons mailbag. At least I think that's what this is. It has all the attributes of a Bill Simmons mailbag including readers who write like him, questions that may be written by Bill, and questions that are self-referential towards fake theories and corollaries that Bill has created to show everyone how clever he is.

Fine, fine, fine. Twist my arm. How 'bout a Mega Memorial Day Weekend Mailbag in honor of everyone who served our country or continues to protect it here and overseas?

That's just great. It's like honoring our men and women who serve the country by sending them Taylor Hicks to perform for them. It seems like an honor on initial thought, but in reality it is probably just torturing them. Actually, if a Bill Simmons mailbag has an effect on the servicemen and women of our country like it does me, they should be ready to fight about halfway through the mailbag.

As always these are fake emails made up by Bill.

As always, these are actual e-mails from actual readers.

Ok, well some of these readers may as well be mini-Bills...or as I call them SimmonsClones.

Q: Hearing the entire Staples Center shout "NO!" as Ron Artest is about to jack up an idiotic 3-pointer with 35 seconds left was topped only by the disbelief in the faces of everyone there as he made the game-winning shot. I think I'm going to start using the phrase "You just gotta play basketball" to defend every stupid decision I make in the future.
-- Scott Brand, Columbus, Ohio

SG: Say Queensbridge! You forgot to say Queensbridge! Anyway, I couldn't agree more -- it was an incredible night that created a new Level of Losing, the "Stomach Punch From A Complete Lunatic" defeat.

"Hey remember that super-clever and funny fake list I created, I am adding new levels to it to the point it becomes redundant now and impossible to decipher. Who gives a damn anymore, my readers will pretty much lap up whatever shit I feed them. I can do what I want, I'm Bill Simmons."

2. The Lakers have won their three biggest games of the past two years because nobody on Orlando's roster remembered to guard Derek Fisher on a game-tying 3, because Serge Ibaka forgot to box out Pau Gasol and because Jason Richardson forgot to box out Artest. Eventually, they're going to run into an equally good team that doesn't forget to do things. I just hope this happens before 2025.

So basically Bill is saying the defending champions got lucky in winning the title last year and got lucky this year to win the Western Conference Finals. This coming from a guy who has said on multiple occasions the Orlando Magic refused to play their best five men on the court at the same time. That was sort of lucky for the Celtics the Magic never figured that out. I am sure Nate Robinson pouring down double figures in a quarter wasn't any type of luck for the Celtics either.

Bill is so sad sometimes. He just can't admit the Lakers are a good team. The reason the Lakers can't run into an equally good team in the Western Conference that doesn't forget to do these things is because there isn't a team in the Western Conference that is an equally good team. Therein lies the problem.

I also found it funny we got 2-3 discussions in Bill's columns last year about how noble the Celtics were in defending their NBA Title, but strangely the Lakers didn't get any mentions like that this year. Maybe they don't cry about the officiating enough or don't get "injured" en---

Wait, hold on...is that Paul Pierce being taken off the court on a stretcher grimacing in pain? Holy crap, I hope he's ok...wait, he's back, it was just a bruise on his upper arm, he's good to go now.

I can't believe that happened! Kendrick Perkins just got another technical foul for acting like a five-year-old and stomping around after a call against him by the referees. The refs are SO against the Celtics. It's like they take the constant whining and complaining about the calls as something that is personally wrong with the officiating. It's not that, it is just the Celtics act like whiny babies when the officiating calls don't go in their favor and this means they are passionate.

Ok, we aren't even done with the first question and I am already writing a lot of paragraphs. I need an editor.

3. Fisher (22 points, totally unafraid) was quietly the key to Game 5, which is incredible, because three months ago if you had told any Lakers fans "The biggest conference playoff game you'll play this season will hinge on Derek Fisher," they would have locked out of the season.

Bill knows the Lakers fans would have reacted this way because he speaks for all the fans for every team in the NBA. He KNOWS what everyone is thinking because he is "The Sports Guy" and has a license to speak for everyone.

I am not sure how Derek Fisher (who has helped the Lakers win multiple NBA titles and has hit clutch shots for the Lakers in the past during the playoffs) performing well in an important game is any more shocking than Nate Robinson going off on the Magic in Game 6 or Rasheed Wallace deciding to start giving a shit.

(And by the way, I don't think the Suns are done yet. They can win Game 6 just like they won Games 3 and 4, and once you get to Game 7, the pilot turns on the "Who The Hell Knows?" sign.

I like how Bill is playing this both ways. He makes this statement and then says this on Twitter:

LA 28-3 in last 31 playoff home games. It's fair to doubt Phx, right? RT @McRaeberg: Keep doubting the Suns so they can shock the world! about 12 hours ago via UberTwitter

Either way the series goes, Bill can be right!

Hell, Kobe has played out of his mind for this entire series and Phoenix nearly beat L.A. three straight. Don't count out the Suns. I'm telling you.)

But of course it was also fair to doubt the Suns in Bill's mind. So doubt the Suns, but don't count them out!

Q: If soccer was king in the U.S. and every kid grew up playing it, which current athlete would be the best soccer player?
--Szabi, Far Hills

I don't know if I believe a reader really asked this question of Bill for two reasons:

1. Bill is probably contractually obligated by ESPN to mention the World Cup in his columns, mailbags and nearly everywhere else. So this question was included to remind everyone the World Cup is coming up and it just so happens ESPN has the rights to broadcast the World Cup.

2. Bill just wants an opportunity to talk about how good Rajon Rondo is and make wonderful hypothetical statements about how good Rondo would be hypothetically at soccer.

SG: My old answer for this question was Allen Iverson. He's washed up now, but the reasons I always thought he would thrive on a soccer field still hold up: lower center of gravity, explosive speed, phenomenal coordination, leaping ability and a feistiness/toughness/arrogance that every great soccer player has. (FYI: The world's two best players right now are 5-foot-7 Lionel Messi and 5-10 Wayne Rooney.)

Before Bill gets to his list, let's remember that the three NBA players Bill lists here are fairly well over six-feet-tall and Bill just listed the two best players in the world as being under six-feet-tall. I feel like I had to mention this before we get too excited about his ideas for which athlete would be a good soccer player.

Deron Williams: Six-foot-3, great footwork, explosive, physical, strong, thinks like a playmaker. He'd be an unbelievable stopper in an alternate universe.

I love the assumption that success in one skill of a sport immediately means that skill will translate over to another sport. I am well aware that some NBA players like Hakeem Olajuwon played soccer growing up and Ndamukong Suh did as well. I think these players are the exception to the rule, rather than the rule. Hasheem Thabeet also played soccer before he became a basketball player (he sort of plays basketball, he is more like a tall statue), and his soccer skills certainly don't seem to have translated to the NBA basketball court.

Rajon Rondo: Can you think of a better position for a catlike 6-3 freakishly athletic guy with oversized hands than soccer goalie? I mean, other than point guard? Why do I feel as if we could teach Rondo the position in 10 days and he would instantly become the best goalie in the world?

I will let "Anonymous" take over from what he said in the comments for a previous post in regard to the answer to this question:

Anonymous: Uhh..because you are an idiot who does not know anything about soccer (but thinks he does because he once wrote a column on picking an EPL team to root for)? Goalkeeping is about more than athleticism, its about positioning, communication, knowing when to attack balls and when to stay in the net and distributing balls to start the attack.

That's what I think too.

Q: What are the odds of Tim Donaghy being the Jose Canseco of the 2010s?
--Ryan, Tempe, Ariz.

SG: It's worth noting that I received this e-mail during Game 5 of the Celtics-Magic series.

Before Game 5? That was before the Celtics had the entire officiating crew in that game turn against the Celtics and dare to make some bad calls against the Celtics. The officials helped the Magic injure three Celtics players, while continuing the officiating bias against the Celtics that the NBA has recently instituted in an effort to make the Celtics lose in the NBA Playoffs. The entire NBA officiating crew is against the Celtics now because a couple of bad calls went against them! Game 5 is proof of this!

I am sure the NBA was desperate to get a Lakers-Magic rematch in the NBA Finals over a Lakers-Celtics NBA Finals series. The NBA is always trying to prevent a re-hashing of the Lakers-Celtics rivalry.

And let's just say there was just cause; that game made me ashamed to be an NBA fan.

There were some bad calls and the NBA can't have officials deciding a series, which is why one of the technicals against Perkins got rescinded. You'd think there had never been another bad call in the history of the playoffs the way Bill is talking about the Game 5 officiating.

Q: Since you're a father, I know you will understand what I am about to write.

Right now the nanny is taking care of the kids so Bill can answer this question about being a father. Apparently this person knows no other person in his life who is a father and can answer this question. Only Bill is Simmons is qualified to give an answer. Carry on...

You know how every time you go to clean out your car you find a cup under a seat or somewhere else? And when you take the cup inside to be washed out you pray that it will contain juice or water and not milk. But of course, it has stinking rotten spoiled milk in it. Instead of washing the cup you would rather throw it out. This is what Vince Carter is like.

Wow, it took a little bit of time to get to the actual point of this question. Since this guy writing to Bill apparently has no friends and can only ask questions related to being a father and loving sports to Bill Simmons, let's not subject ourselves to this overly-long analogy. We'll move on...

Now comes the part where Bill makes up an email from a female reader in an attempt to make it seem like he has female readers and increase his fan-base among females. It's like Bill wants to inspire women to write him as well:

(random female reads this email from a woman to Bill's mailbag) "Lauren from city-not-named likes Bill and writes into him? I finally feel comfortable writing to Bill!"

Bill makes constant references to pornography, is somewhat sexist in some of the ways he portrays women, he talks about sports (obviously), and discusses movies many women have no interest in watching...for how famous Bill Simmons is, he probably has a smaller percentage of female readers than many other sportswriters.

Q: Isn't the Eagles letting go of Donovan the ultimate "It's not you, it's me" scenario? Donovan has been dating the Eagles fans for years now. In the beginning it was exciting and risky. You never knew what he was going to do with the ball and he kept you on your toes. Like when my boyfriend liked to give me massages and surprise me with a card or have breakfast for me. Each encounter (insert mood music) is hot and fresh. Then after 12 years you've found yourself faking moaning and hoping things get moving so you can fit in your 40 minutes of DVR before bed. I know all his moves and when he's going to high-step it 2 yards short of the first down. I know when he's going to throw it at DeSean's ankles. K-squared may not be perfect, but at least his faults will surprise me. Donovan, it's been great. I loved the good times. But it's time to move on. It's not you, it's me.
-- Lauren

Come on...an overly-long analogy where the person doesn't actually say what he/she means, a comparison between a sports situation and a phrase used in relationships, and Lauren-from-a-city that isn't named? Either Lauren does a great Bill Simmons impression or she doesn't exist.

SG: An iPhone app called "Who's That Celeb?" Works like Shazam -- if you think you see a celeb in your vicinity, you just point your iPhone at him or her and the iPhone takes a picture, runs it through a facial recognition scanner and tells you who it is. Invaluable for anyone who lives in New York or L.A.

Did you know Bill lives in Los Angeles and sees/knows a bunch of celebrities? I am not sure he has mentioned this specifically in this mailbag, so here's our reminder.

You know how every boxing undercard is horrible? Why hasn't a Vegas casino tried this idea: Instead of lousy undercard fights that nobody cares about, why not start with a headlining entertainer (say, Wayne Newton), then a headlining comedian (say, Frank Caliendo), then a stripped-down band (say, The Killers), and then just the main boxing event? Why not make it a real Vegas show?

Because it would be incredibly expensive to do this and the ticket prices would be even more outrageous than they currently are. Plus, you are assuming everyone wants to sit through all that crap to get to the boxing event they actually paid to watch.

Q: I can't stop laughing when you refer to your son as the CEO.

That's weird, I can't stop vomiting when Bill refers to his son with that moniker.

SG: You're not far off. I'm not even kidding. We're like two months from teaching him how to make coffee. By the way, the all-time funniest stage for any little kid is the "I Just Discovered My Penis" stage at 2½. For the past two months, the CEO has been walking around with his hands down his diaper like Al Bundy. It's been so bad that he actually gave himself a rash in a place where you'd never want a rash. He's like a 55-year-old man. I want to dress him in wifebeaters and dirty jogging pants and have him carry around scratch cards and cans of Schlitz. My son slays me. Whoops, I'm breaking my "Don't talk about your kids" column rule again.

Seriously, don't be Peter King and correspond about your family through a public forum if you don't want your family to be a part of the public forum. No one gives a shit about your kids. One or two mentions is perfectly fine every once in a while when they are relevant mentions, but no one cares what you call your child or what he does in the morning. Every 2 1/2 year old does the same shit with his penis. YOUR KID IS NOT SPECIAL!

I would try to tie my thought that Bill is somewhat sexist in with the fact he mentions his son all the time and never really talked about his daughter much in his columns when she was young...but I won't mention that.

SG: My favorite part of that e-mail was that Thabeet's tweets sound exactly like the ones my son would make if he had a Twitter account. His first tweet would be either "Late LUNCH before i go for a NAP!!! Mhmmmm Yummy" or "Pawed at my genitals incessantly today, got another rash, mom had to use triple paste again. HATE TRIPLE PASTE!" Dammit, I did it again. I swear, I'm done.

I have brought this up twice before. If you are a sportswriter and want to talk about your kids in a public forum, be prepared at some point to talk about your kids in a public forum in a fashion you won't enjoy.

SG: I thought it was funny. Unrelated: If you had to describe baseball's steroids era to someone under 12 years old but could go with only one picture, one link, one story, one book and one YouTube clip, which five would you pick? I would go with these:

It's an awesome reread. Honorable mention: SI's 2003 feature on Eric Gagne (written 74 saves into his record-setting 84-save streak) includes this explanation for why Gagne sucked as a starter but thrived as a closer: "The lower pitch counts in relief appearances have allowed him to speed up his fastball from the low 90s to the mid-90s." Oh, really? Is that what happened?

Yes, that is really what happened. Obviously Gagne used PEDs but there have been plenty of instances where converted starters throw harder as a closer because they don't have to pitch as many innings. Guess what else Bill? Pitchers also throw different pitches when they are a starter and a reliever for the same reason. Shocking I know. John Smoltz is a great example. He could hit mid-to-upper 90's consistently as a closer and threw his fastball and slider almost exclusively at times as a closer. Once he became a starter again, his fastball went down to 93 MPH and he used his split-finger pitch more than he did as a closer. So yes, Gagne cheated, but it is perfectly reasonable for a pitcher to throw faster in a closer role than a starter role because that player doesn't have to worry about pacing himself as much.

Q: Why do you hate Miami so much? You give us crap about absolutely everything -- we may be fair-weather fans (except for football) but we're the best fair-weather fans in sports. Plus with the beaches, bikinis, and other distractions, it's hard to act like Boston in winter or Chicago, where there is NOTHING. We have better things to do when our teams are losing. But when they're not, I'm down to skip the beach.
-- George, Caracas, Venezuela

The guy who wrote this is from Caracas, Venezuela? And he is defending Miami.......but why?

Q: I keep reading about the "disgruntled Albert Haynesworth." If I had a contract that was guaranteed to pay me $41 million, and could be worth up to $100 million, I would be the most gruntled employee ever seen. Am I alone in that thought?
--Ray Walton, Indianapolis

SG: Yes. More importantly, that's a great new word: "gruntled."

Bill Simmons is now officially stealing ideas from Gregg Easterbrook. That's just really, really sad to hear.

A quote from TMQ:

Disgruntled no more" -- that's how "SportsCenter" anchor Linda Cohn introduced the news that Jay Cutler had been traded. Cutler whined so much that "disgruntled Jay Cutler" practically became his name. Since he is no longer disgruntled, does that mean he is now gruntled? Yes! Little known dictionary fact: "gruntled" means "satisfied." From now on, the gentleman in question to TMQ will be "the gruntled Jay Cutler."

Two things:

1. It's never a good sign for creativity when one ESPN Page 2 columnist is stealing from another ESPN Page 2 columnist.

2. Rick Reilly is either really pissed he didn't steal it from Gregg Easterbrook first or he will have a list of the "Top 10 Most Gruntled Athletes" out for his new column next week.

Q: In your opinion, what is the one sporting event that happened at least 25 years ago that would have been looked at drastically different in today's age of 24-hour sports coverage, and the social networking craze? I'm not necessarily asking if the outcome would have been different (for example, could DiMaggio hit in 56 straight with today's sports media coverage?), but rather, what event that seems to fly under the radar only because there wasn't media coverage every hour of every day to drive what an unbelievable thing had just occurred?
-- Ryan B., Columbus, Ohio

1. Yankee teammates Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich switching wives and families in 1973. Such a crazy story, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are thinking about making a movie about it.

We all know Ben Affleck will only make a movie if the basis for the movie is a good story that is so crazy the public will just HAVE to see the movie...or he will make the movie if the producers pay Affleck in American currency.

(Affleck's agent) "Here are a couple of scripts I want you to read through. There's some good stuff in there."

(Ben Affleck) "Which one of these are willing to pay me the most, in cash, upfront to do the movie."

(Affleck's agent) "Well, this one (points to a script), but I am not sure how solvent the studio will be after the movie and the movie may never be released, which is why they are paying you up front in the hopes additional investors hear you are involved and want to get in on it. I would personally avoid this mov--."

(Affleck) "Yep, that's the one. I'm in. Tell them I want straight cash, upfront, before I film one scene."

Let's say the fact Ben Affleck is making a movie about an event doesn't impress me too much. Since the year 2000 he has been responsible for the following movies:

Reindeer Games
Pearl Harbor
Daddy and Them
Changing Lanes
Daredevil
Gigli
Paycheck
Surviving Christmas
Jersey Girl

(Sensing he wasn't doing too well, he cut down on the number of movies he did...then gave us:)

Man About Town (which has a solid 38% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes)
He's Just Not That Into You

So basically his solution to not be featured in movies that bomb was to quit making as many movies as he used to. Anyway, enough Ben Affleck bashing, I am just pointing out if he is making a film it's not like it is a great story.

The lesson, as always: You gotta love David Stern. Well, unless he's looking the other way as your team is getting completely railroaded in an Eastern Conference final playoff game.

As I said before, I am sure the NBA is desperately trying to ensure there wasn't a Boston-Los Angeles NBA Finals series. Why would the NBA want the most storied NBA rivalry, which just happens to involve two teams in major markets on both coasts, to happen this year in the NBA Finals? Obviously they would do anything to avoid this. Who wants the good ratings that will probably go along with this matchup?

Let's stop being melodramatic about this. The Celtics were the victim of bad calls in one playoff game and nobody wants the Eastern Conference Finals decided by the officiating, but to say one game of bad calls means the Celtics are being "railroaded" is just the type of "we are the victim" attitude Boston area fans have stereotypically loved and portrayed publicly.

Thanks for reflecting that "victim" stereotype Bill. It's so funny with Bill Simmons, if there is a couple bad calls against his team (in whatever sport) all of a sudden the whole fucking world is against his favorite team. Bad officiating sucks, but I am pretty sure one game of bad officiating doesn't mean the Celtics are getting screwed over or getting "railroaded."

Q: So I'm in the grocery store the other night buying ramen noodles 'cause that's literally the only thing I can afford to eat. Right after I had put the fourth huge case into my cart, a really cute girl approaches me and says, "Wow, that's a lot of ramen." For whatever reason, my immediate response is, "Yeah, I'm buying it for a local food drive for the homeless." Wouldn't you know it, but the girl finds this extremely sexy for some reason, and we continue to talk for a few minutes. Eventually, I ask her out, and we decide she will come to my place for dinner and a movie later on this week. What in the hell am I supposed to do? I have no money and a kitchen full of ramen noodles that are supposed to be for some mysterious food drive. Your thoughts?
-- Shane, Baltimore

My first suggestion would be to not email Bill Simmons about this problem. He isn't your daddy, go ask someone your own age or perhaps look in the mirror and realize the fact you ask a sportswriter (and I am using this term ever-so-loosely) this question is sort of sad. Bill isn't the best person to answer your major problems in life. Perhaps you could tell this girl you haven't given the noodles to the food drive quite yet or just cut your losses and tell her the truth.

I don't know if a woman would be turned on enough by a food drive to go to a guy's house for dinner, so maybe she actually likes you and doesn't know you are pathetic and ask sportswriters what to do in your personal life. Take advantage of her lack of knowledge about your dependency on Bill's opinion quickly. More importantly as my last piece of advice, I would not ask Bill Simmons the answer to any problems in your personal life. It's pathetic and makes it seem like you need more friends.