Joe Morgan Talks In Circles Continuously In a Chat Yet Again

Joe Morgan showed up for another ESPN chat this week. Unfortunately, the progress we saw last week must have left the building the same time when Joe's brain went out for fish tacos. We are stuck with the same old "talk in circles" Joe Morgan who manages to say a whole lot of nothing in long paragraphs and those who stay awake long enough to read the entire paragraph see he has contradicted something else he said a mere seven days ago. So "imposter Joe" has left the building and the real Joe is back. The world mourns.

Buzzmaster
We're getting Joe right now!

(ESPN executives lure Joe into the room where he usually chats using a signed picture of Dave Concepcion and a poster that says "Consistency" with Joe's picture on it giving a thumbs up)

JM: The Braves have had a fabulous stretch here to take over the NL East, but they had a lot of help from the Mets and Phillies, who have both struggled.

Does it still count as receiving a lot of help from the struggling Phillies when the Braves have swept the Phillies recently in a 3-game series? That's like saying the Yankees had a great World Series last year, but they did receive a lot of help from the Phillies who didn't play very well.

The Braves got off to a horrible start, but they've been able to bounce back and they're playing like the team I thought they would be at the beginning of the season.

Here is a summation of Joe's feelings about how he thought the Braves would play this season:

April 5-16 (Braves are 6-4): "I think this team has started off like I thought they would."

April 17-30 (Braves are 9-14): "This team has no chance to make the playoffs. The Phillies and Nationals are the best teams in the NL East. The Braves don't have enough hitting to win the NL East."

May 1-15 (Braves are 17-19): "The Braves have dug themselves a huge hole to get out of at this point. I don't see how they can get themselves together psychologically to win the NL East or get the Wild Card. The pitching and hitting isn't that good."

May 16-31 (Braves are 29-22): "I knew the Braves were a good team and they are finally playing like I thought they would play."

June 1-4 (Braves are 32-22): "They are absolutely fabulous and incredibly consisto-consistent, which is the highest level of consistency a team can achieve. They are the class of the NL East."

June 4-30 (Braves don't win another game for the entire month of June): "The Braves don't have enough hitting or pitching to win the NL East or the Wild Card. They have dug themselves a hole I don't think they can get out of. They couldn't beat a Little League team."

July 1-31 (Braves don't lose a game during the month of July): "I always knew the Braves could play this well..."

And it goes on and on, with Joe's inability to project how a team will do anywhere past today because HE CAN'T TELL THE FUCKING FUTURE SO GET OFF HIS BACK! DOES JOE LOOK LIKE A GYPSY TO YOU?

I mean, this isn't "crystal ball," it is "baseball." Why does everyone expect the expert to know everything? So he gets paid to know the answers to questions about baseball, should the President of the United States know EVERYTHING that is going on?

Joe Morgan as President holding a press conference about Iran having nuclear weapons:

(Reporter #1) "Is it true that Iran is building nuclear weapons and is planning on using them, Mr. President?"

(President Joe Morgan) "I can't speak to that. I haven't seen enough of the plans Iran has to say whether they do or do not have nuclear weapons."

(Reporter #2) "There are reports the United States has 10 nuclear warheads pointed at the them right now. Specifically at five major East Coast cities. What do you know about that?"

(President Joe Morgan) "I can't guess right now at where exactly the weapons are pointed because I haven't heard enough about these warheads to comment."

(Reporter #3) "Mister President, you do know who is in charge in Iran, right? You are aware of his history and Iran's history. Does it concern the administration that the United States could be under a nuclear threat and know one seems to have sufficient information on how to stop it."

(President Joe Morgan) "Not really, it is pretty early to get worried. I think Iran is going to do what they have always done and that should be enough to make us feel better."

(Reporter #2) "Mister President, that makes no fucking sense. I think the American people need an update on whether they will be a victim of a nuclear weapon attack. There is speculation if one nuclear warhead were to hit the United States, the results would be catastrophic. The death toll is projected in the hundreds of thousands...and that is measuring conservatively."

(President Joe Morgan) "It's been great chatting with everyone today. I think we just need to stay at even keel and be consta-consistent. That's the second highest level of consistency. Once I see where Iran launches the weapons at the United States then I will be able to speak to where they may land."

(The entire United States population moves to Canada)

Steve (Blacksburg, VA)

With the Rangers struggling this weekend, how do you evaluate their team?

JM: If you're a Rangers fan, you have to be worried.

Joe Morgan from the chat I covered last week when the exact same person asked him if he thought the Rangers could win the AL West:

I do, because the Angels have struggled. They're the team that has the experience of winning and has the veteran players. The A's have pitching, but they're a young team. They're not an offensive juggernaut either. I think Texas can hold on, especially if they get one more pitcher.

The other reason that Texas can hold on is that no one is having a career year, they're just doing what they normally do. They're not playing over their heads.

What a difference one week makes in regard to Joe Morgan's opinion! One week they need one more pitcher to hold on to the division and are doing what they normally do (which as I stated last week is "not win the AL West") and the next week Rangers fans should be worried. It's good to see Joe bases his entire analysis of a team's future on how that team has done over the past week.

Let's see what has changed Joe's opinion on the last week...

First, their starting pitching is not pitching enough innings. Second, their offense away from home is not consistent. They're hitting well at home, but not very well on the road. And they're not doing well against teams above .500.

These problems existed last week when Joe thought the Rangers could win the AL West. Of course last week when Joe Morgan was raving over how the Rangers could win the AL West, all of these problems still existed, but the Rangers were winning so Joe Morgan didn't pay attention to these things. Now that the Rangers are losing games, he of course knows exactly why. So Joe isn't capable of seeing the statistics he just listed here while the Rangers are winning and say, "damn, I think the Rangers might not be very good" because the Rangers were winning, but now the Rangers are losing games these problems are HUGE problems.

Joe Morgan as a doctor:

(Patient) "I feel fine doctor. I feel like I am in perfect health right now."

(Dr. Joe Morgan runs some tests anyway) "These tests show you have a mass right behind your liver, one on your kidney, and another mass in your prostate. You say you feel fine?"

(Patient) "I feel great."

(Dr. Joe Morgan) "It's probably nothing then. Farewell and have a good day."

(Three months later, the same patient comes in)

(Patient) "Doc, I have been throwing up blood and I am pretty sure my kidneys have failed and I have no control over my bowels."

(Dr. Joe Morgan) "You know those tests we ran and found the three masses? I think they are killing you. It turns out they were cancerous, but you said you felt fine. That's weird. You are probably going to die. Make peace with your family...and quickly." (Joe leaves the room)

(Patient) "But you said there was nothing to worry about..."

They're going to have to make some changes if they're going to win the West.

Until next week when they start winning baseball games again.

Matthew (Columbia, NJ)

Hey Joe what's wrong with the Phillies?

JM: One of the things that people underestimate with the Phillies is how valuable Jimmy Rollins is. It doesn't show up when they're hitting the ball out of the ballpark, but what happens, there's no consistency when the guys aren't hitting home runs.

What is the deal with Joe and the word "consistency?" Did his parents scare him with stories of the Inconsistency Monster when he was a child? Did they tell little Joe that if he isn't consistent with everything he does, the Inconsistency Monster will come from under his bed and eat him? Did they actually sit under his bed while he was doing his schoolwork and grab his leg, pretending to be the Inconsistency Monster, when they felt like he was becoming inconsistent? I think this may be how they controlled Joe's behavior as a child.

I feel like Joe's fascination with consistency is a result of a childhood that resulted from a traumatic childhood incident. The Inconsistency Monster is probably how Joe's parents got little Joe to go to bed at the same time every night.

(Joe's parents) "You don't want the Inconsistency Monster to get you do you? You had better go to bed, it is almost 9:00pm. He comes after kids who don't consistently go to bed at the same time every night."

(Little Joe scrambles to his bed and goes to sleep immediately)

I think Jimmy Rollins is a real key there.

Usually All-Star caliber lead-off hitters are the key to a team. Thanks for the input though.

Shane (Idaho)

Joe, have you seen many team wide slumps like what the Phillies are going through right now? I watched a couple of their games this weekend and it seems like a virus has gone through that clubhouse!

JM: I've seen it with the Phillies over the years. They play in that ballpark that's a great offensive ballpark, but I've seen them go through stretches, maybe not this bad, where they've struggled scoring runs.

Joe has seen this all before Shane from Idaho. So you can't fool him. He's seen the Phillies struggle scoring runs...but he just hasn't seen their struggle to score runs be this bad. So he really hasn't seen this before, even though he just stated he had.

I still think they're the favorite to win the East.

I don't want to read too much into this because this is the ramblings of Joe Morgan, but didn't he say at the beginning of this chat the Braves were playing like he thought they could play? They are leading the NL East right now, so Joe thinks the Braves could win the NL East, except the Phillies are still the favorite in his mind. Joe says so many different things in his chats, eventually it all contradicts and it doesn't mean anything.

I would normally say that Joe is hedging his bets by picking the Rangers one week to win the AL West and then changing his mind the next week to say the Rangers can't win the AL West. He could be doing the same thing in saying he thought the Braves were good enough to win the NL East (which he didn't say, but if he thought they could play this well and they are in first place, I think it is understood) and then picking the Phillies. I would say this, but Joe doesn't look far enough into the future to even have this masterplan. Still, the little contradictions in predictions from week-to-week based on how the team performs over a 7 day span is infuriating.

Michael (Atlanta)

Joe, in your opinion, is Jason Heyward one of the top 20 players in baseball right now? Top 40?

JM: It's too early to be judging someone that's only played a couple of months in the big leagues.

Really? It's too early. The best young pitcher in baseball right now is Mike Leake. Joe said this last week. The same Mike Leake who hasn't made 15 starts in the majors yet. Maybe he thought "young" meant "rookie," in which case he is stupid AND wrong.

It's just hard to judge a young player that has 100 at bats in the big leagues against A-Rod, Derek Jeter.

I would agree with this comment. Though I do have to question whether Jeter is one of the top 20 or 40 players in the majors right now. "Players" means pitchers and hitters. I don't know if Jeter makes that conversation for the top 40 players in the majors right now. So there is no reason to put Jeter on a list of the top 40 players in the majors.

Frank J. Mettlings (Bronx)

Joe, Oakland is in 1st place. Do you think they can win the AL West?

JM: Oakland has had a fabulous run. They're like the Giants. They have good pitching, I question their offense.

Oakland is 13th in ERA and 12th in batting average against. That's not even close to the Giants who are in the top 5 in both categories (3rd and 1st to be exact). So the Giants are like the A's in that they are both MLB teams who play in California.

Joe questions the A's offense and thinks this may be the reason the A's can't win the AL West. This is what separates the A's from other teams then:

You have to wonder about their run scoring ability, but you do that with a lot of teams.

So Joe has that concern regarding the team's offense about a lot of teams overall in baseball, so maybe the A's can win the AL West. Basically Joe just picks a reason the A's can't win the AL West out of a hat and states that reason is the exact reason the A's can't win the AL West, never thinking if this reason applies to other teams as well then maybe it isn't a sufficient reason why the A's can't win the AL West.

This is what I was talking about above when I was discussing the Rangers above. Joe just needs to say, "The A's can't win the AL West because they don't hit well enough." It's true, but he just can't say it, because if a team is winning for some reason he thinks this glaring weakness no longer applies. It's like he sees the result and ignores the reasons why the result may be flawed over a short period of time. He is a baseball expert who sees a glaring problem for a team and can't seem to project how this will hurt the team over the entire season.

I expect them to stay in the race.

So the A's do have a chance at the AL West in Joe's mind...at least until they lose three straight games and then they will be out of it again and the Rangers will be his pick to win the AL West.

If there's one thing that we're seeing now, when we're talking about teams hitting, is that they're not as consistent as they should be.

Joe has begun having nightmares about the Inconsistency Monster again.

The Rays were doing all of the things they needed, but then they lost a few in a row. The Yankees looked unbeatable, but then they started having issues with their pitching. It's very difficult to have everything running at the same time. If the pitching is doing well, it seems the hitting is inconsistent.

So the only teams that can be consistent are teams that have great hitting and great pitching and never lose a few games in a row? There are probably 10 teams over the last 30 years that meet this criteria.

Jason (NY)

Hey Joe. Toughest division in baseball? The AL east is pretty tight with the only bad team in there being Baltimore. Thoughts?

JM: That's a difficult question. It would be very easy to say the AL East, because of the Yankees, Boston, Toronto, Rays.

(Joe's brain scrambling for an answer) "That's a tough one. I think it would be my knee jerk reaction to say the division that seems to contain the most teams that are very good right now would be the best division...but I think this is a trick question. Divert, divert!"

But we're still feeling things out.

(Bengoodfella looking around the room for who "we" might be...maybe the Joe and the Inconsistency Monster from his childhood?")

(You may say, but Bengoodfella, what the hell is an Inconsistency Monster and why do you keep bringing it up? Because I have a picture of a monster in my head that looks like Grimace, except he carries around a baseball bat and grabs the ankles of children from under the bed. It amuses me.)

We're about a third of the way through the season.

(Joe's brain) "Great stall tactic. Don't give an answer" (High-fives Joe's spine)

(Joe's finger start typing) But if I were to have to give an answer, I would say the AL East.

(Joe's brain gives up again and starts doing research on organ donation while a person is still living)

The weakest division is probably the AL West. But then you look at the AL Central and ask how good is it.

I know this isn't the case, but isn't it interesting how the AL East is the "best" division in baseball according to Joe, while the AL Central and AL West are probably the worst divisions in baseball. Could the AL East be so good because they get to play two weak divisions in the American League? I am not saying this is true, but has Joe thought of this possible conclusion? The answer is no.

Jeff

what do you make of this hoopla around Strasburg?

JM: I think he deserves a lot of it.

Wait for it.....................

We tend to go overboard on a lot of it.

There we go. Back-to-back sentences were Joe says Strasburg deserves the hoopla and then Joe says "we" go overboard on it.

That's why I tempered my comments on Jason Heyward. I'm probably his biggest fan, but I don't want to go overboard.

Great job Joe. It's a little early to be making any predictions you may want to take back next week if Heyward goes into a slump for a short period of time.

Someone said that when he steps on the field, he'll be the best pitcher in the game,
This had to be an ESPN employee who said this. Only the most retarded of baseball mind would say this and ESPN can be a breeding ground for this type "analysis."

(Paging John Kruk!)

(Actually, after doing some research Curt Schilling said this. I know he can be kind of crazy and opinionated, but this seems even too crazy of a comment for him to make.)

Joe (NYC)

Hi Joe, who do you think has been the better pitcher this year so far Jimenez or Halladay?

Jimenez, but I would rather have Halladay starting for me at this point.

JM: Well, I don't think there's any doubt that Jimenez is the better pitcher.

No, there is some doubt Jimenez is the better pitcher overall.

He has complete games,

Roy Halladay has five complete games this year. Ubaldo Jimenez has two complete games. I'm pretty sure "5" is a bigger number than "2." So therefore using the amount of complete games Jimenez has as a reason why he is pitching better than Halladay, when Halladay has more is incredibly stupid. Joe is an idiot.

his ERA is less than 1.

Roy Halladay's ERA is 2.03, which isn't exactly terrible.

Halladay pitched a perfect game, but Jimenez pitched a no hitter.

A perfect game is much more impressive than a no-hitter. So based on the three criteria Joe just presented as to why Jimenez is a better pitching than Roy Halladay, Halladay is actually better than Jimenez in two of those criteria. Joe was arguing for Jimenez over Halladay as a better pitcher, but he has a funny way of doing it.

(Man talking to his wife) "I think I can take the robber in our kitchen and defend our family. The robber has a gun and a knife, but I have a hammer."

I don't think there's any doubt that Jimenez has beent he best pitcher in the league.

I doubt Jimenez ist he bestp itchero verall, but he has beent his year.

Brandon (Milwaukee)

Joe, What do you think of the Brewers this year? Is it time to finally trade Prince Fielder?

JM: I've been very disappointed with Milwaukee's play this year. I thought they would be better because they tried to address their weakness in pitching.

The Brewers did this by signing Randy Wolf. Trying to address the pitching and actually addressing the pitching are two different things.

We went through a time 3-4 years ago when we had a lot of young pitchers coming in who just threw well. Now they're learning how to pitch better.

I would love examples of this, but that is asking way too much of Joe.

Frank J. Mettlings (Bronx)

What's wrong with Aramis Ramirez?

He is 32 years old and plays for the Cubs, where apparently 32 years old is 44 years old in Cubs years.

JM: I haven't seen him enough to offer an opinion of if he's pulling off or whatever he's doing. I've always been a big fan of his because he seems to get the job done.

Joe has mentioned all summer the Cubs have been going about their personnel decisions all wrong, yet he likes the players they have, like Zambrano, Derrek Lee, and Aramis Ramirez. Is his sole disagreement with the Cubs moves the fact they signed Alfonso Soriano?

When I look around the league, I think there are a couple of teams that will get better, not worse. One of the teams is the Reds. They'll get some pitching help. The other team is the Braves.

The Braves are 33-25. They are leading the NL East and Joe thinks they will get better, but he also thinks the Phillies will win the NL East. The Braves are on pace to win about 98 games but won't win the NL East? That's just the amount of games the Braves will win at their current pace, but Joe thinks they will get better...and still not win the NL East?

The thing I worry about is the health of Chipper Jones. If Rollins comes back and he's healthy, I think the Phillies win. It will be interesting.

I quit. Apparently the NL East comes down to two players who are injured and which one is less injured at the end of the year. I guess the players currently on the field mean nothing.

Buzzmaster: Thanks Joe!

Thanks for nothing.