TMQ: ESPN Does Know It Is a Sports Network Right?

ESPN is a sports network. They cover sports and pimp other Disney-affiliated things like movies that may be coming out soon, but mostly they focus on sports. They are a sports network that tends to cover sports while covering the other items they want to pimp. So I was a little confused when reader Cory linked me (thank you to him for sending me the email about this column) to a Gregg Easterbrook column that appeared on ESPN.com that was completely about the show "24."

It is bad enough that ESPN lets Gregg Easterbrook write for them, but now he writes an entire column that is not sports-related at all, outside of the article appearing on ESPN.com, and they put it on their site? What's the point of this? Apparently ESPN will publish anything if it is by one of their Page 2 columnists, even if it isn't sports-related at all. Of course, now I have made it worse by critiquing a column on a sports blog that wasn't even about sports, but I don't give a crap. In lieu of some football-related TMQ, let's have Gregg Easterbrook second-guess and criticize a fictional television show.

My regular Tuesday Morning Quarterback column doesn't return until August, but here's some bonus TMQ-like substance to tide you over.

Except it isn't like Tuesday Morning Quarterback because this column isn't related to sports at all. Possibly this column should be posted on Entertainment Weekly's site or Tvguide.com, though I am not sure Gregg meets those site's high journalistic standards to criticize a television show.

The Fox series "24" concluded Monday night, and not a moment too soon. It had become so preposterous; it was more like science fiction than drama.

As I always say, if there is nothing I look for in a television show more than entertainment, it is realism. If a show isn't realistic, then what's the point in watching?

If a person watches television expecting to see realistic scenes that can be duplicated in real life, then that person is an idiot. Television shows are inherently fantasy, no matter what genre they are supposed to be. Even reality shows are mostly fantasy and scripted in many ways. So Gregg's an idiot for expecting realism in a television show.

Through the eight years depicted,

This is absolutely incorrect. More than 8 years were depicted. From the ultra-reliable wikipedia page for "24:"

(Let's keep a running total of the amount of time that took place between each season)

Set 18 months after season 1, season 2 begins and ends at 8:00 AM in Los Angeles.

(18 months have gone by)

Set 3 years after season 2, season 3 begins and ends at 1:00 PM in Los Angeles.

(4.5 years have gone by)

Set 18 months after season 3, season 4 begins and ends at 7:00 AM in Los Angeles.

(6 years have gone by)

Set 18 months after season 4, season 5 begins and ends at 7:00 AM in Los Angeles.

(7.5 years have gone by)

Set 20 months after season 5, season 6 begins and ends at 6:00 AM in Los Angeles.

(Tough math...9 years and 2 months have gone by)

Redemption is a television movie which aired on November 23, 2008, bridging the gap between the sixth and seventh seasons of 24. Set three and a half years after season 6,

(12 years and 8 months have gone by)

Set 65 days after the events of Redemption, season 7 begins and ends at 8:00 AM in Washington, D.C.

(12 years and 10 months have gone by)

Set 18 months after season 7^[3], season 8 begins and ends at 4:00 PM in New York City.

(14 years and 4 months have gone by when the series ended)

So five Presidents over a 14 year span does initially seem a bit excessive...but this is a television show, let's remember this. The United States did have four Presidents from 1988-2002, and that is when no President had his four-year term interrupted. So maybe five Presidents over a 14 year span really isn't that unrealistic. It could actually happen in real life. So Gregg Easterbrook has no point.

a nuclear bomb went off near Los Angeles, a former president was murdered by the CIA, Air Force One was shot down, martial law was declared, U.S. nuclear missile launch codes were stolen, Russian nuclear missile launch codes were stolen, the Secretary of Defense was kidnapped and government computers were taken over. Jack Bauer solved all these problems (except the Los Angeles explosion) single-handedly, always by running from place to place, shouting at everyone he met, then shooting people using one of those special guns that never runs out of bullets, while thousands of rounds fired back at him at close range missed their target.

It's a television show. This column was written on a sports web site. Why is this being published and why I do feel like I am taking crazy pills?

Bauer also single-handedly foiled a nerve gas attack on diplomats, a radioactive dirty-bomb attack on New York, five other nuclear bomb attacks on U.S. cities, and an attempt to cause several U.S. nuclear power plants to melt down.

It wouldn't be a very interesting television show if it showed Jack Bauer doing paperwork and sharing stolen glances at the new secretary outside his boss's office would it? I think it is pretty much known that if you are going to tune into a television show, or even a movie for that matter that is action-oriented, you will need to suspend some belief and just be entertained while you watch it.

This is obvious to everyone but Gregg Easterbrook, who looks for accuracy in all things...except in the weekly NFL column he writes for ESPN of course. He feels comfortable just eye-balling and taking guesses when he writes that. Jack Bauer has to been shown re-loading his gun on "24," but it is perfectly fine for Gregg Easterbrook to incorrectly state the defense a team was in when criticizing a coach's move or second-guessing a decision made by a player.

This veered well beyond nonsense, even given Jack's amazing ability to move across town -- or across country -- during commercials.

Gregg Easterbrook's dream for "24" is to have it be about Jack Bauer doing paperwork, hurrying to a meeting and then showing him stuck in Los Angeles traffic for 30 minutes on his way to a meeting. Gregg's ideal "24" episode:

8:00am: (Jack Bauer notices the PowerPoint presentation isn't ready for the meeting at 8:45am. He immediately starts putting the missing parts of the presentation together. Time is not on Jack's side and so he rushes against the clock)

8:17am: (Jack jumps in his car to make the meeting. His car screams out of the parking deck and he runs a red light. He's in a rush and he may not make the meeting in time)

8:21am: (Jack is stuck in traffic. He's going to be late. May God have mercy on him)

8:37am: (Jack is still stuck in traffic)

8:44am: (Jack begins to violently pound the dashboard knowing he will be late for the meeting. He turns up the air conditioning and turns down the radio...he's pissed)

8:50am: (Jack sees traffic was held up because of an accident. Jack screams that people need to get off their cell phone and quit driving distracted. He calms down because he is near to the building where he is having the meeting and needs to focus...time is running out)

8:56am: (Jack pulls in the parking deck. He forgets his computer in the trunk, yet he knows he needs it and has to go back and get it. This wastes valuable seconds of time)

8:59am: (Jack runs into the office where the meeting is being held, desperately asking the secretary which room the meeting is in...Jack runs down the hall)

8:59am and 56 seconds (Jack enters the meeting and everyone stares at him with a certain look in their eyes)

9:00am: (Next week on "24"...what will the reaction be to Jack's late arrival? Is it too late to convince the client his ideas will work? Will they even accept his idea? How will Jack show the presentation effectively without his laser pointer? Is the entire account going to go up in smoke? Find out next week on "24: Gregg Easterbrook Version")

Another sci-fi aspect: The countless conspirators of "24" endlessly discuss their conspiracies, in specific language, over cell phones!

Holy shit! They don't talk in code? Craziness...just now...read...can't believe it.

Here is my favorite sci-fi line from the series: "The president has ordered the media not to report any criticism." And how did that work for you, George W. Bush?

Doesn't "24" know you can't shut the media up without donuts and fresh coffee? The media is going to report a story incorrectly whether you want them to or not. It's in the Constitution they can do this! THIS SHOW PAYS NO ATTENTION TO THE CONSTITUTION OR THE MORALS OF OUR NATION!

In the final two episodes, Jack killed a dozen people, including five Russian bodyguards standing in a hotel room, all of whom died instantaneously on the first shot, without any of them ever getting a shot off at him.

Does Gregg know there is no one in the world who can't do this? Because I bet there is someone who only needs five shots to kill five guys. These people don't get television shows made after them, but it is completely and entirely possible to have a man trained so well to kill that he doesn't require multiple bullets for one person. I guarantee there are individuals so well-trained they can do this.

Plus, lots of gunshots were fired in a fancy hotel and no policemen came.

PROBABLY BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT ORDERED NO POLICEMEN TO COME TO THE SCENE! HE PROBABLY DID THIS IN SPECIFIC LANGUAGE, OVER A CELL PHONE!

At one point, Jack is running down a Manhattan street holding only his never-empty pistol, then a scene later has a large backpack with sniper weapons and electronics. Where did the large backpack come from?

Jack beat the shit out of a terrorist, while running down the Manhatten street of course, this terrorist was planning on attacking a group of people on the street and then Jack stole his backpack full of weapons after beating his ass. This wasn't shown or reported because Jack quickly waterboarded the suspect and the President ordered all criticisms of this procedure to stay un-reported. Remember?

I doubt there has ever been a human being who killed that many people in any form of face-to-face encounters, including during war; certainly there has never been a law enforcement officer who's killed more than a few people. (Most law enforcement officers retire without ever having fired their guns except on the training range, let alone killing anyone.)

Who would have ever thought a fictional action-oriented television show would stretch the truth a little bit? Other than everyone in the world except for Gregg Easterbrook. Gregg must be the biggest pain in the ass to watch television with. I would spend most of my evening thinking of new ways to bludgeon him to death with just a remote control and a tub of butter popcorn.

And yes it's television, which means absurdity.

And yet knowing this, Gregg Easterbrook still feels the need to criticize the absurdity of "24" for not being realistic.

As the series' climatic scene begins, the setup is that if the president signs, the United States will be sold out to the Russians. The U.N. Secretary General pronounces, "By signing, you commit your respective countries to abide by the terms therein." Signing any treaty is a symbolic gesture!

(Sticks up middle finger at Gregg Easterbrook's picture as a symbolic gesture)

In the United States, treaties only acquire force once ratified by the Senate.

Well if the President signs the treaty and no one else seems to have a problem with it, then the Senate would probably ratify it as well. I am not sure the Senate is really paying attention to any bill they pass at this point unless it is about healthcare or involves decreasing the amount of drilling the U.S. does for oil.

Come on, Hollywood. Isn't there anyone on the scriptwriting staff with a passing knowledge of the U.S. Constitution?

Says the guy who writes a weekly NFL column where he displays, at best, a passing knowledge of how and why NFL teams and coaches make the decisions they make on the football field.

This leads to the disturbing thing about "24" -- not its blood, but its distorted depictions of how U.S. government works. Not only did the show present warped pictures of the constitution, the military and the legal system, it went beyond to the most negative, cynical view of the United States ever seen on television.

I am sure the biggest problem the United States military is having right now is with how they are being portrayed on television on a fictional television show. I think there is maybe 1% of the population who thinks the way government and military business is conducted on a television show is how it works in real life as well. Then there are 1% of those 1% people who actually think this puts the military in a bad light as compared to the other ways the government and military are presented in Hollywood films and television shows. Then there is Gregg Easterbrook who thinks everything on a television show should be realistic and he doesn't think a person can tell the difference in fiction and real life.

Throughout the series, hardly anyone is honest or patriotic -- most high White House officials, and practically everyone in the military and in national intelligence, is either corrupt or a traitor or both. The CIA, especially, is depicted as employing traitors exclusively -- like a hiring requirement.

Actually, it is just the CIA officers who are involved in Jack Bauer's mission who are corrupt. It actually makes sense for traitors or corrupt officers to be involved predominately on what Jack Bauer was working on, since he is usually stopping a major attack or crisis from occurring. What is the point of employing a traitor or being corrupt if you can't put yourself in a position to implement and make sure the plan works effectively? So the traitors will run across Jack because they want to make sure the plan works, so they are always going to be in a position to ensure this happens...and therefore will be around Jack or partially in control of the plan to end up running into Jack.

In the series' penultimate scene, as the valorous Chloe finally regains control of the fictional super-secret CTU, she orders everyone but Ortez and Arlo out of headquarters -- because everyone else in the CTU is a traitor.

How unrealistic! They don't once show Chloe having to take a piss and EVERYONE knows that women have weak bladders and have to pee a lot. Not to mention, they never show Chloe putting on makeup and women ALWAYS put on makeup as the day goes along. This show presents that women pee exclusively in their pants and don't care how they look while at the job. "24" represents a warped view of women in the workplace, like they are animals who don't ever use the bathroom in the appropriate facilities.

If I were a U.S. military officer or intelligence official, I would be offended by "24" and its depiction of the United States government and national security apparatus as dens of lawbreakers and turncoats.

If Gregg were a U.S. military officer then this country would probably be in the hands of North Korea or be in even worse shape than it currently is.

What a relief it's over.

That's what I am feeling about this column on television show which for some reason appears on a sports web site.

TMQ suspects Jack Bauer might have killed 1,000 people during eight seasons of "24." No NFL receiver caught 1,000 passes during that span. Think about that.

I have a few problems with this comment:

1. This is the only sports-related part of this column and it makes absolutely no sense. There is nothing even remotely similar or comparable between how many people died on a fictional television show and how many passes were caught by NFL wide receivers in that time.

2. Jack Bauer killed 1,000 people over a span of 14 years and 4 months...not 8 years. Over a 14 and 4 month span, I am sure one NFL wide receiver caught 1,000 passes.

3. Gregg Easterbrook is basing this comparison on a guess of how many people Jack Bauer killed, he doesn't really know. This doesn't make a big difference, but as I stated earlier, Gregg wants everything on television to be accurate and realistic, but he feels free to just guess whenever he is writing or comparing something.

4. I refuse to think any more about this comparison because I am afraid the stupidity of TMQ will invade my brain.