This NFL season has left me feeling more and more like the Houston Texans of gambling. No matter what I did, no matter how many times I went against my instincts just to break out of it, I couldn't get away from .500. Even in the playoffs, I went 4-0 in the divisional round (5-3 overall). But the football Gods were having none of it, so they slapped me back to 5-5 as a reminder of where I belong. It's not that a bet a lot of money on sports. I'm not betting online. I don't have a bookie waiting to break my legs. Just some friendly wagers with friends (anything over $10 scares me away).
But the Super Bowl is a time for new beginnings. It's a time for letting go of past grudges and enjoying the culmination of football. It's a time for drinking unhealthy amounts of beer and eating disgusting wings that you know going in will leave you some sort of stomach malady sure to end your night a bit early. To that end, I am not betting money on this year's Super Bowl game with anyone. Yes, I specified game. That's because the Super Bowl is a time for ridiculous betting. Last year, I tried my hand at 15 unusual wagers sure to make the game more interesting. Because unless your a fan of one of the participants or you have a specific gambling-related interest, you watch the Super Bowl for reasons other than supporting a specific team:
1) To watch football, because that's what normal people do on Sundays.
2) To witness an all-time great play or game.
3) To watch 80% of the good commercials for the rest of the calendar year.
4) To obnoxiously demonstrate your football knowledge to someone who will be impressed.
Hopefully everyone can experience all of the above. But as of last year, I discovered a 5th reason. To make ridiculous bets. Here are some from last year:
To that end, here are my tangentially football related Super Bowl picks (some bets are my blessed creations, but most are not).
1. How many times will Troy Polamalu's hair be mentioned during the actual game?
Over/Under: 2.5
The Pick: Under
2. How many times will Clay Matthews' hair be mentioned during the actual game?
Over/Under: 2.5
The Pick: Under
3. For how many seconds will Christina Aguilera hold the "brave" in the National Anthem?
Over/Under: 6.5
The Pick: Over
4. What will be the color of the gatorade poured on the winning head coach?
The Pick: Yellow
5. How many penalties will James Harrison commit?
Over/Under: 1.5
The Pick: Over
6. Who will win the coin toss?
The Pick: Pittsburgh Steelers
7. How many times will the camera show Jerry Jones?
Over/Under: 2.5
The Pick: Under
8. How long will Joe Buck speak for before Troy Aikman gets a word in to start the broadcast?
Over/Under: 12.5 seconds
The Pick: Over
9. How many times will Gus Johnson scream for joy, horror or some other emotion while watching the game? (It's a shame that he's not calling it. CBS needs to get the rights to the Super Bowl ASAP.)
Over/Under: 14.5
The Pick: Over
10. How long will the national anthem take?
Over/Under: 1:52
The Pick: Over
11. Will Christina Aguilera be wearing a Cowboy hat?
The Pick: No
12. Who will the Super Bowl MVP thank first?
The Pick: God
13. How many current NFL players will be arrested during Super Bowl week?
Over/Under: 0.5
The Pick: Under
14. Which head coach will be shown on television first?
The Pick: Mike Tomlin
15. Who will be the first player to do a unique celebration during the game?
The Pick: B.J. Raji
16. Will a punt hit the scoreboard?
The Pick: Yes (I really want it to happen.)
17. Which QB girlfriend will be shown first?
The Pick: Ashley Harlan (Big Ben)
18. At what time will the ball be kicked off?
The Pick: 6:04 P.M. (EST)
19. Will there be a Lambeau Leap?
The Pick: Yes
20. Which team will perform the Lambeau Leap?
The Pick: The Steelers
I think kickoff is officially at 6:29pm. So I say the ball will be kicked off at 6:30pm.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I haven't even heard of Roethlisberger's girlfriend. I think they will lay off girlfriends...maybe.
I would also add "How many times Steelers fans waving Terrible Towels are shown."
Over/under: 17
I take the over.
"14. Which head coach will be shown on television first?
ReplyDeleteThe Pick: Mike Tomlin"
I'll be the billionth person to make this joke and speculate that FOX will use the occasion to promote "House."
BGF,
ReplyDeleteWith that Knowledge, I'll have to change it 6:31 EST.
I doubt they'll lay off of the girlfriends because they are so intriguing. One is the girlfriend of an alleged rapist, and the other is some famous TV star whom neither of us know.
And I'll take the over as well.
Ivn,
No doubt about it. I hope they do it though. The Tomlin/Epps comparison is something that shocks me every time I see it, even when I know it's coming. And this video makes me laugh every time, even though I've seen it maybe 10,000 times: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4b4KSgpuDM
Don't worry, it's only 5 seconds.
Ivn, I haven't even heard that joke. I guess I am not as in-touch as I thought I was. it is going to happen though. That's an easy bet. I can already hear Joe Buck saying, "speaking of Mike Tomlin, stay tuned Monday for a brand new 'House.'"
ReplyDeleteDylan, they may show the girlfriends. I very well could be wrong. I haven't heard of Roethlisberger's girlfriend and I was thinking they may not show Rodgers b/c she has a show on a competing network...if you call the WB "competing."
I got the official kickoff from ESPN, so take what I said as fiction. Still, 6:31pm could be right.
That video makes me laugh and so does this one I have seen one million times.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1Y73sPHKxw
It never fails for me.