I Guess We Just Be Happy Rick Reilly Isn't Plagerizing His Own Columns Anymore

Rick Reilly isn't a very good writer. He is the sportswriting equivalent of Eddy Curry. He makes a shitload of money, doesn't appear to do anything productive except get a paycheck and seems to enjoy flaunting to the public the fact he is extremely overpaid. I half expect Reilly to gain 100 pounds and just essentially give up doing his job effectively...well, I take that last part back because Rick Reilly has already given up doing his job well. Here's the latest evidence of this. Rick Reilly has written a Big 10 primer for the Nebraska football team in his latest excrement-ridden column posted on ESPN.com.

There are three major problems with this column:

1. Nebraska joined the Big 10 eight months ago. Reilly is just getting around to writing this column? The topic isn't even really relevant at this point since Nebraska joining the Big 10 was a big story eight months or more ago. Sure the college football season is starting very soon, but Nebraska joined the Big 10 over eight months ago. This column feels more relevant if it had been done back in December.

2. Rick Reilly tries to be funny. He isn't. It is sad to read. Needless to say, I will mock him mercilessly for this. He deserves it. The jokes are obvious and not funny. Rick Reilly jokes are like the jokes in an Adam Sandler movie, except more obvious and painful, if that's possible.

3. Rick Reilly wrote it. That's probably the major problem. He has no shame nor does he even pretend to give a shit. This is the best he will do and you as the reader will fucking deal with it.

Hello, Nebraska!

That's how it starts.

Now that you're joining the 12-team Big Ten, nothing is going to make sense anymore. I know it doesn't for me.

The Big 10 has 12 teams! What's up with that? It is funny to point this out because the name of the conference is the Big 10 and there are 12 teams in the conference. What should the Big 10 call itself? The Big 12. That's already taken.

"Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? It doesn't make sense."

Growing up as a Colorado Buffs fan, we were taught that if Nebraska was playing Libya, we should be there with a giant poster of Moammar Gaddafi.

As a Nebraska fan, we were taught the Colorado-Nebraska rivalry didn't exist as much anymore. Colorado actually has to win some games to make it a rivalry don't they. Look at all the red.

Because your state gave us Johnny Carson and Larry the Cable Guy. Besides, you kicked our butts to the state line every year and we're frankly glad to see you go.

I just said that.

You are joining one of the great football traditions in America, a fabric woven with sturdy football, passionate fans and the time-honored institution of selling your jerseys for tattoos.

And Nebraska is leaving a conference with a pretty good football tradition, passionate fans and the time-honored tradition of raping women. Of course to Rick Reilly, Colorado players raping women isn't as concerning as the lack of moral decency to sell a jersey for a tattoo. What a morally bankrupt conference that Big 10 is.

You know, stones-glass houses that type of thing? If your favorite school had a scandal over the last decade based primarily around the sexual assault of women, I wouldn't think mocking another school for a player selling a jersey for a tattoo would be something you would do. Of course, Nebraska football players don't exactly have a great history with women either, so them joining a conference where players sold jerseys for tattoos doesn't seem as bad as second degree murder.

Your new rival -- Forget Oklahoma. Now it's Iowa, like it or not. You close out your regular season with the Hawkeyes on the day after Thanksgiving at home. Iowa's a natural for you. Both your states are so flat you can watch a train pull out for three days.

Wow, how not funny was this? Both states are flat so they should naturally play each other in football!

Is there anyone who doesn't think Rick Reilly has given up at this point? I would like to meet you, if so.

Football-wise, Iowa has been better than you lately,

Since 2004, each team's record:

Iowa: 57-31

Nebraska: 56-34

That means Rick Reilly is correct about this. What are the odds he just guessed when he made this statement? 95%?

Rick Reilly doesn't do research on the Internet, he writes columns that evoke emotion (mostly he evokes anger in me). The last thing Rick Reilly looked up on the Internet was probably the Erin Andrews video.

Dress code -- Now that Jim Tressel and The Vest are gone from Ohio State, there is no dress code.

The only dress code in the Big 10 is the code to cover up the body parts where you got free tattoos in exchange for memorabilia!

(Rick Reilly high-fives me for that joke)

Your lunatic screamer of a head coach, Bo Pelini -- the man who could be an entire season of "What Not to Wear" -- is going to fit in nicely.

He wears a sweatshirt during games. I didn't realize he was required to wear a tie and dress shoes. Besides, Taylor Martinez's father complained when Pelini wore dress shoes they fit too well up his son's ass. He prefers the tennis shoes Pelini wears because after Martinez has fumbled for the 9th time that game it doesn't hurt as much when Pelini puts a foot up Martinez's ass.

Your fans aren't exactly ripped from the Armani catalog, either. Oy, that Sea of Red some of you wear: red socks, red overalls, red cowboy hats. Goes nice with your necks, though.

Working class people are stupid, poor dressers, ugly and probably have poor hygiene! This is comedy!

What should Nebraska fans wear? Ed Hardy shirts? Goes nice with your douchetastic writing, though.

Divisions -- The Big Ten is divided into two divisions: Legends and Leaders. Yes, these are incredibly anvil-brained names for divisions, but you should have seen the stuff that lost out:

The new division names in the Big Ten suck. We get it. The Big 10 named their divisions in December. It is now July.

Second -- Princes and Potentates

Third -- Behemoths and Brutes

Fourth -- Cheats and Soon-to-be-caught Cheats

How is selling a jersey to pay for a tattoo cheating again? It had nothing to do with playing the actual game...and that's cheating? I know we don't want facts to get in the way of Rick Reilly trying to make a terrible joke.

The Michigan Man is full of pride in himself and his Michigan degree -- so much so that you're going to want to bring a throw-up bowl along with you.

Sadly, the Michigan Man has had to reduce the volume a little lately, having not beaten The Ohio State Man since the debut of the Edsel.

"The debut of the Edsel." Now there's a reference that is neither funny, accurate nor timely. That's a hard trifecta to achieve when making a joke.

OHIO STATE

You're coming to the Big Ten at a lucky time, Nebraska. Ohio State has been the king, but if the king is not dead, it's on one knee and searching around for its mouthpiece. Buckeyes fans are usually very nice people, but all this vacating of wins has caused them to vacate their manners. They harassed Golden Boy QB and ESPN announcer Kirk Herbstreit into moving to Nashville and they sent death threats to the college newspaper sports editor over Tressel. Remind me, what did those guys sell?

I must have missed the memo that said Ohio State fans were nice before the Terrelle Pryor scandal. I'm pretty sure Herbstreit moved out of Ohio before the wins were vacated. I know, I know...details, who needs them when trying to make a point?

The problem is, Wisconsin has even bigger and stronger linemen than you do. Do you realize that the last lineman you had taken in the first round of the NFL draft was 27 years ago? Dean Steinkuhler?

We all know an NFL player is only considered to be a good player based on where he was drafted and not what kind of player he ended up being in the NFL. I guess guys like Carl Nicks, Russ Hochstein, Dominic Raiola, and Will Shields don't count as successful offensive linemen since they weren't drafted in the 1st round.

The Badgers have had five in that time!

OMG! For realsies?

I'm afraid Wisconsin is you, Nebraska, only with much better parties and more wins.

Well, that and Wisconsin is Nebraska if Nebraska had five less national titles, 212 less wins, 123 more losses, 31 less conference titles, and 31 less consensus All-Americans. All of this in only 76 more games played all-time by the Nebraska football team compared to the Wisconsin football team. But, if Reilly finds it more fun to just call them the same team in order to further the stereotypes of Nebraska and Wisconsin as white people who love planting corn and have red necks that he wants to perpetuate then he should go right ahead.

God knows I shouldn't expect or require Rick Reilly to do any deep thinking or actual research when he can just write words down on a page and cash his huge ESPN checks.

Q: Why do Penn State players wear black shoes?

A: Reportedly, coach Joe Paterno believes it makes his players look slower, which is not true. Bowl games do.

Big 10 teams are slow! I have never heard this joke before! This statement required no research and is intended to be funny! Are you entertained yet? We've heard all of the jokes and criticisms of the Big 10 dozens of times before this column. Yet, Reilly thinks he is making funny jokes or relevant points. He isn't. He is showing just how out of touch with sports he truly is.

Q: How is the health of the 84-year-old Paterno?

A: His ears still hurt a little from The Big Bang.

BECAUSE JOE PATERNO IS OLD! NO ONE ELSE HAS EVER POINTED THIS FACT OUT UNTIL RIGHT NOW!

Q: Where does Rick Reilly spend most of his free time?

A: Up in his own ass.

That wasn't intended to be funny.

NORTHWESTERN

You will see a few people in purple shirts with a stupid cat logo on them. You do NOT have to worry about them. But be nice to their students. A lot of them end up running big media companies. The Wildcats found a really good coach in Pat Fitzgerald, though.

It is so very clear the last time Rick Reilly paid attention to sports was the late 1980's or possibly the middle 90's. Northwestern has made three straight bowl games and have won 9, 8, and 7 games over the last three seasons. That's progress and they really aren't a pushover anymore. But again, it is easier for Rick Reilly to just base his Big 10 knowledge on his memories from 1989.

ILLINOIS

You draw more for your spring game than the Illini do for regular-season ones. I'm not kidding. You drew 66,784 for your spring game this year. The Illini didn't even average that for home games last year.

That's amazing to know. Illinois stadium, Memorial Stadium, has a capacity of 60,200 and the Nebraska Huskers' stadium has a capacity of 81, 607. There's no way the Illini could have drew as many fans as the Huskers spring game. Unless Rick has any ideas on how to fit 6,000 more people into a stadium space that maxes out at 60,000. If so, I would love to hear them.

INDIANA

Just awful. Being a football fan in Indiana is like being a scuba fan in Tibet.

Being a football fan in Indiana is also like selling Kate Spade purses in Ethiopia. See, they are poor in Ethiopia and they can't afford expensive things like Rick Reilly can because he makes a lot of money. In fact, I don't want to startle you, but ESPN.com actually paid him to write this column. It is sad to think about isn't it? Bleacher Report probably would have rejected this column. ESPN.com gives it the front page and then gives Rick Reilly is own show called "Homecoming."

As for you, Nebraska, the Big Ten is really going to take an instant dislike to you. Why? Saves time.

Plus, what conference would want a heralded program like Nebraska that brings enormous revenue, national appeal, a large fan base around the country and instant national recognition like Nebraska does?

Also, those games at Memorial Stadium with the freezing rain and the howling wind and nothing around for 100 miles to hide behind but corn stalks? They're not fun. Put it this way: You're going to have LOTS of visiting team tickets to re-sell.

Which shouldn't be a huge problem for Nebraska considering they have sold out every home game since I can remember. There isn't anything else to do in Nebraska and if any visiting team wants to sell their tickets there are probably going to be tons of takers for those tickets. What a terrible point.

What an idiot. I know Reilly is trying to be cute and funny, but the fact visiting teams won't travel to Nebraska will have a 0% effect on game attendance for Nebraska home games.

You know what might impress them, though? Your bowl record. You're 24-23 all time. You better knock that crap off.

In the Big Ten, that's just showing off.

That's probably because Big 10 teams are slow and can't compete with other conferences in bowl games!

To complete this column, Rick Reilly did zero research while waiting 8 months to write about the topic and he based most of his comments on stereotypes about the Big 10, while he covered the gaps in the stereotypes about the Big 10 he couldn't remember with terrible jokes. Just a typical Reilly column.

Rick Reilly is the 11-time National Sportswriter of the Year.

I didn't even know the Special Olympics had a writing category.

That was rude, I apologize to anyone participating or affiliated with the Special Olympics. I shouldn't drag your name through the mud by associating you in any way with Rick Reilly.