Are You Being Serious? Dan Shaughnessy Shows His Mastery of Trolling Through the Written Word

Dan "How's my Perm Look?" Shaughnessy has taken time out from writing about chicken and beer (There was chicken. And beer. In the Red Sox clubhouse. Shockingly society has managed to endure.) and how chicken and beer helped lead to the downfall of the 2011 Boston Red Sox. He has taken this time away from harping on a non-issue to allow his audience, or what is left of his audience, know he really likes Bobby Valentine. Valentine is much better than that shithead Terry Francona. Or IS Valentine better than Francona? You can't tell from this article. It sounds like Dan is saying there needed to be changes with the Red Sox and Bobby Valentine is going to bring those needed changes to the team.

You know they say a manager is a "player's coach?" Well, Bobby Valentine is a sportswriter's coach (He promises change! Has any manager promised this ever before? The answer is "no.") and Dan Shaughnessy is totally digging it. Or IS Dan digging it? It also sounds like Dan is saying (through the use of sarcasm) that nothing will change and Valentine's words consist of empty promises. But then Dan is pretty complimentary of Bobby Valentine, so it is hard to tell.

Last time I heard about anything regarding Dan Shaughnessy and Terry Francona in the same sentence, they were were writing a book together. (It is kind of weird of Dan to write a book with a guy like Francona and then be critical of how Francona ran the Red Sox team.) On one hand this article seems like a basic Theo Epstein and Terry Francona bashfest. The article is about how the Red Sox are going to be a much better team under Valentine as compared to Francona, the manager Dan Shaughnessy called the best Red Sox manager of all-time.

Here's what Shaughnessy said about Francona in the past...

"I think you have to put him number one," Shaughnessy said. "I know you can go back to the teens, and the [Joe] Kerrigan days, and obviously Joe Cronin was here for like a million years in the 1940s and 1950s and all that jazz. But to win two World Series in this day and age, and to come from where they've come from ... I'm going to put him number one."

BUT NOW, Bobby Valentine is going to be the best Red Sox manager of all-time (apparently). In fact, he very well may be the greatest manager ever in the history of baseball and better than any other coach or manager that has ever existed and you can't ever change Dan's opinion of this...though a five game losing streak would possibly do the trick.

What sportswriter worth a shit writes an article where the audience can't tell the tone of the piece? Shaughnessy has the innate ability to tweak both Bobby Valentine supporters, those who like Terry Francona and Red Sox fans in general. No matter what you believe, you hate this column. It would be impressive if it wasn't so embarrassing for him to troll his audience like this. I can't believe Dan Shaughnessy is serious and actually wrote an article where the tone seemed to be sarcasm, but it also seems a bit serious in parts. At this point, the only purpose Dan Shaughnessy serves is to piss off readers. Checks the comments of this article. There doesn't seem to be a consensus on what this article is saying, but whatever it is saying it is really pissing people off at each other, the Red Sox and Dan Shaughnessy.

It’s been two weeks in paradise watching Bobby Valentine and the “all new’’ Red Sox. I see the new drills and the subliminal video messages and the longer workouts and the smarter-than-everybody manager and I keep asking myself the same question . . .
Why does my face constantly look bloated? Who can I bash in my latest column in order to tweak Red Sox fans? How do I consider myself to be an expert on Boston sports when I don't really do anything but write reactionary columns which serve more as a pathetic attempt at notoriety and cause me to be the laughingstock of fans and fellow sportswriters alike? Why won't Heidi Watney return my repeated phone calls?

How did the Red Sox win two World Series, average 93 wins per season, and make the playoffs five times when they were clearly such a chaotic, disorganized mess in spring training for the last eight years?

Is this sarcasm? Is this not sarcasm? Herein lies the issue with this article. Dan Shaughnessy doesn't seem to care to further any certain point of view, he just wants to piss us off. Shaughnessy has criticized the Red Sox for the chicken and beer scandal (There was chicken and beer. In the clubhouse. The world will never be the same.), so I can see where he would think the team was a chaotic mess. Also, this statement is stupid and even someone who trolls as blatantly as Shaughnessy could be serious in making this statement.

How could we all have been fooled?

That's a great question to ask, especially if Dan is being serious when writing this statement. It's not like he gets paid to write about the Red Sox or has access to the locker room, players and coaches. So I guess my question, if he is being serious, is how he could have been fooled?

It’s amazing when you really think about it. All these years they could have been great and they settled for just plain pretty good. Fans ate hamburger when they could have been feasting on prime rib.

The Red Sox won two World Series under Terry Francona. That was prime rib compared to anything else the Red Sox had done over the previous 80 years.

It’s all different now, that’s for sure.

Again...sarcasm or not? This article is such a mess that if the Boston Globe had an editorial staff at all (which I assume they don't, otherwise there's no way this article gets published) they would tell Shaughnessy to re-write it. What Shaughnessy doesn't realize is his audience has such little respect for him, we actually believe he is trolling and stupid enough to believe the two World Series victories were "hamburger" and a new manager promising changes would make things different. I actually believe Dan Shaughnessy would write something as inane as this.

This isn’t like the old days when the Sox always went through the motions during spring training.

And look where it got them! The Red Sox only made the playoffs five of the eight seasons Francona was the manager. That's it. The Curse of Francona dragged this team down!

Sox players are no longer allowed to drive themselves to spring training games. Everyone must take the bus. Francona not only allowed players to drive themselves around Florida, he allowed high-roller players to charter a plane and separate themselves from the jamokes on the bus.

The tone here seems to be very serious. It is obvious to me Dan Shaughnessy believes Valentine's way is better.

Oh, and remember how Tito allowed Josh Beckett to have Varitek as his binkie? No more personal catchers.

“It’s not my choice or style,’’ said Valentine.

And we all know Valentine's style that has led to a .510 winning percentage and zero division titles are much better than Terry Francona's choices or style. You can't argue with his way of doing things with the success he's had.

Now we have Bobby V reinventing baseball in Fort Myers. Bobby has the brainwash videos looping in the Sox clubhouse (one day it might be pitchers making routine fielding plays, another day it’ll be relays from the outfield).

Now Dan Shaughnessy is being snide about the videos that Valentine is having his team watch. Is Dan not really saying anything so he can jump on the Valentine bandwagon if the Red Sox succeed, but still jump off the bandwagon if Valentine is a failure? I can only assume that's what he is doing.

Bobby has his coaches using real bats instead of fungo bats to replicate game-condition spin on the baseball. Sox pitchers no longer shag fly balls during batting practice.

Again, I don't know if Shaughnessy is being serious or not. He really needs to work on the tone of his writing or perhaps quit writing about sports altogether (crosses fingers). It sounds like he really thinks Valentine is a better option than Francona was. This is clear until you read where Shaughnessy writes,

It’s pretty clear now that Theo Epstein and Terry Francona were doofuses. They didn’t know what they were doing. They just threw the bats, balls, and gloves on the field and told the fellows to “go get ’em.’’

This just isn't true and I think Shaughnessy would know this isn't true. So essentially Shaughnessy is just baiting every single person he can bait in an effort to get a reaction. Again, if Valentine succeeds he can point back to this article as proof he was on-board and if Valentine fails then he will attempt to make his readers feel stupid for believing he was serious. This article is sarcasm wrapped in super-seriousness.

My favorite Bobby-isn’t-Tito moment came in the middle of one of his early news conferences on the picnic table outside the Sox clubhouse. Francona’s pet peeve was cellphones going off in the middle of his pressers. Woe was the reporter or camera guy who forgot to turn off his phone before the start of the session.

So what happened when Bobby V got into it with us last week? His own phone went off!

His OWN phone?! Amazing and shocking. Bobby Valentine is built for success with the Red Sox because his phone rings during press conferences and he baits the Yankees.

And you wonder why we all love this guy?

But do you love this guy, Dan Shaughnessy? Or are you simply baiting your audience and doing the only thing you know how to do well at this point in your career, which is writing bullshit in an effort to get a reaction from readers?

I ask if Dan Shaughnessy is being serious or not, but sadly, I think he is being serious. He's just not exactly sure what he is being serious about at this point, it's just the reaction he gets which is all that matters.