Bill Simmons Has Some Fat Rhymes to Spit at You

Bill Simmons wants to fire and re-elect sports commissioners in every sport. Needless to say, even though I will say it, I am sure Bill probably believes he is qualified to be the commissioner of the NBA. Few people could run an NBA organization or the entire NBA with the effectiveness that Bill Simmons could run an NBA organization or the entire NBA. Today, Bill tells us that commissioners are hypocrites (Bengoodfella puts look of shock on his face) and out of touch (what? really?) with fans. Besides being the very first person to notice this, Bill also reveals that commissioners only care about making money (I know, I was surprised to hear this too). Unlike other businesses such as Grantland's parent company, ESPN, which only cares about producing the most interesting of sports content...as long as this content makes them money and the content involves Tim Tebow and/or a forced debate about Tim Tebow or LeBron James, the NBA/NFL/NHL/MLB are only money-driven enterprises. Sports should be pure and not driven by business interests. It's so hypocritical for the NFL to pretend to care about the sport and really only care about marketing and business interests. Anyway, let's get to Bill's Friday NFL picks column, powered by Subway.

(Bill's Friday NFL picks columns no longer feature a "Miller Lite Great Call of the Week." What a shame.)

This wasn't the best morning for Roger Goodell. Hours after former Viking Jimmy Kennedy practically ran out of ways to call the NFL's commissioner a "liar," Goodell announced that he would be recusing himself from hearing the Saints' latest bounty appeal. Taking over? Wait a second … good God, that's Paul Tagliabue's music!

This whole faux-wrestling introduction joke got old probably three years ago. Just keep beating the joke into the ground though.

Can you remember another commissioner having his objectivity questioned so vociferously that he had to enlist his former boss to clean up his mess? Me neither.

Can you remember a commissioner dealing with a bounty scandal, and as a result having suspended players and coaches for a full season based on this scandal? Me neither.

And you wonder why Goodell might be wearing the "Most Dangerously Incompetent Commissioner in Sports" championship belt for the foreseeable future, even as his rival commissioners keep halfheartedly trying to steal it.

The only person who could effectively run the NBA/NHL/NFL/MLB? You guessed, the VP of Common Sense, Bill Simmons.

I know Bill doesn't come out and say he thinks he could run these professional leagues but you and I both know he thinks he could be the commissioner of the NBA at the very least. This is the same man who has absolutely no background working in the NBA and thinks he could be a General Manager of an NBA team. Because all General Managers do is sit in their office and think of trade ideas, right?

So for Goodell to stand out so blatantly, that means things had to escalate quickly, and maybe even that Brick killed a guy.

Quick, shoehorn a pop culture joke into the column. Bill even had to make a statement like "that means things had to escalate quickly," in order to slip his "Anchorman" joke into the column. "Things escalating quickly" doesn't even really make sense in this context.

In this case, "Brick" was Browns linebacker Scott Fujita,

So Scott Fujita killed someone? I can see why he is on the commissioner's radar then.

who didn't kill Goodell with a trident but definitely ethered him.

In the context of this joke and in the movie "Anchorman" Brick really did kill someone. So if Fujita is "Brick" in this situation, then in the context of the joke he really did something wrong, and it isn't wrong for the commissioner to try and punish him. I realize I am over-explaining a joke. If Fujita metaphorically "killed" Goodell (which is what Bill is referring to), it is still a forced joke.

Bill is a 43 year old man. I like how he uses the word "ethered" in this sentence as a way of telling "the kids" he is still hip and knows how to sling the street slang around in normal everyday convo. You may think Bill doesn't have street cred, but you would be wrong. Bill's got the street cred because he is going to do an NBA pregame show this year with Jalen Rose and waves everyday to the black guy who lives next to Michael Rapaport in Bill's neighborhood.

Seriously, he just used the word "ethered." I know Bill claims even as a child he always wanted to be a black man, but it could be time to realize he has more in common with Mitt Romney than Nas.

Fujita didn't pour his feelings into a hostile dis song,

"a hostile dis song." That doesn't sound white at all when said out-loud. Don't worry, Bill doesn't start rapping at any point in this column.

Tired of being dragged through the mud of New Orleans's bounty scandal, Fujita crafted 100 carefully chosen words to say everything about Goodell that needed to be said.

Translation: This dude is a H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E.

Translation: E-T-H-E-R-E-D.

If you noticed, Goodell never responded — not even after Fujita called him "condescending" and "extremely desperate," then complained about Goodell's "absolute abuse of the power that's been afforded to the Commissioner." By continuing to trade shots with Fujita, Goodell would have inadvertently broken the golden rule of hip-hop:

So it is understandable that Goodell never traded shots with Fujita. So why criticize him for not responding?

Thou shalt never beef down.

Not only does Bill write the words "Thou shalt never beef down," most likely with "Stillmatic" playing in the background, but he puts it in italics. I'm not even criticizing Bill's writing right now because this is too comical. Bill is teaching us the golden rule of hip-hop. I feel learned right now and not at all like laughing.

Even Stern during his swaggerlicious apex wouldn't have feuded with a badly injured player.

Is Jamie Kennedy ghost-writing this column as his character from "Malibu's Most Wanted?"

Then again, can you really fight back after you've just been checkmated? Everything Scott Fujita said was true.

Ethered. 

He could have hammered Goodell for increasing the number of Thursday-night games to 13, then spinning it by saying this now allowed every team a chance to play in prime time. Has there ever been a lamer excuse for a shameless money grab? When your franchise sucks, there's nothing worse than playing in prime time. In the days of B.B.B. (Before Belichick and Brady), I came to dread every Patriots night game — it was like shining a giant spotlight on a chin full of pimples.

Yes, life has been tough in these pre-B.B.B. years of Patriots primetime appearances for Bill. That time period between the Patriots making the Super Bowl in 1996 and their appearance in 2001 was a tough time for Bill as a Patriots fan. That one losing season they had in this time period, 2000, was nearly impossible to forget, but Bill is trying.

Then Bill brings up the idea NFL teams are more prone to being injured when playing Thursday night games, if not actually injured in the games, but injured later in the season from the lack of rest between games. He also criticizes the Thursday night games as a pathetic money grab, which we all know they are, so this isn't really news to anyone paying attention.

They were running on fumes. News flash: That's how players get hurt. If you're pretending to care about player safety, and that it's not just a pathetic attempt to cover your asses for the wave of looming concussion lawsuits, then wouldn't it make sense to carve out more recovery time for players?

It would also make sense to not advocate an 18 game season, but as the point has been made over the past few years, Goodell cares about player safety only in certain situations.

Here's the real reason for those 13 Thursday-night games every year, in case you were wondering …

Whoops, sorry. Here's the right link.

Bill is absolutely right about this. I'm just confused as to what misconception or misunderstanding he is clearing up. Maybe he doesn't even think he is clearing up a misunderstanding or misconception, in which case he is treading familiar ground. Money controls everything.

And actually, the price will climb higher than that because the NBC Sports Network needs those Thursday-night games more than the Walking Dead guys need clean shirts.

Then he includes a footnote:

I know that was awkward, but I couldn't figure out another way to work that into today's column. How much zombie blood and guts can be splattered onto one guy's unshowered shirt before it joins forces with the guy's overpowering BO and just evolves into its own zombie?

No, that wasn't any more awkward than the Brick reference earlier or one of many pop culture references that get thrown into Bill's column. In fact, this pop culture reference made sense in the context of the sentence. I feel like we need a "Pop Culture Reference Guide" for Bill. He seems lost at times.

Here's the point: You don't have a reason to watch NBCSN right now unless you love the NHL (R.I.P.), CFL, college football, college basketball, old Olympics games and events, hunting, darts, the Dew Network or something called Elk Fever (which actually ran in prime time on Tuesday night). They need to make a splash. Like, soon.

NBC Sports Network is fairly new. Clearly Bill doesn't remember ESPN's early days of fishing shows, exercise shows, lumberjack and poker competitions (I realize they still show poker). Seriously, I know they are a competitor of ESPN so Bill has to put them down to make Bristol happy, but give them a few years to "make a splash." ESPN didn't become the annoying behemoth it is now overnight.

You know those two guys in your fantasy auction who didn't realize all the elite running backs were gone until just DeMarco Murray was left, and suddenly they're locked in a holy war for him and ready to pay 40 bucks? That's how the Thursday-night auction will play out.

You know that guy who uses an extended analogy to say something rather than just coming out and saying it?

Of course, if Goodell genuinely cared about the welfare of his players (he doesn't) AND wanted to make money (he does), then he'd push for an 18-week schedule that included the following four wrinkles:

1. Fourteen Thursday-night games total (including Thanksgiving). When you include the two Thanksgiving day games as well, that means every team would play once on Thursday and that's it.

Nevermind, Bill just said the Thursday night games were only there for money purposes and he criticized how every team gets to play on Thursday once, his new idea is to not only keep doing this, but he wants to increase the amount of Thursday night games from 13 to 14. So Bill criticizes Goodell for not caring about player safety, then says if Goodell really cared about player safety he would do exactly what he is doing now, except he would add one more Thursday night game. My mind is blown.

2. Nobody would be allowed to play a Thursday game within 10 days of another game either way.

I'm not sure how this idea works out logistically, so while this seems like a good idea, it may not be possible logistically. If that game counts as both team's bye weeks then I don't know how a team would play in a Thursday night game the second or third week of the season. Would teams who have played one or two games really want a bye?

4. You might remember that 10 months ago one of my mailbag readers was pushing for an 18-week season in which every team was off for both bye weeks, calling it "Save the Marriage Weekends." I thought that was too radical but suggested the following compromise: Maybe they create two Über-Bye Weeks each season, with which something like 12 teams have byes and no game starting until 4 p.m. ET.

So assuming there is no Thursday night game or Monday night game (though I am guessing both NFL Network and ESPN would want one), this means three games would be played at 4pm and there would be a Sunday Night game on NBC. Why not just give teams the entire bye week off at that point? If NFL Network and ESPN still want their games, NBC will want their game, and there is one game being played at 4pm on Sunday. Even if there are only Sunday games, that is only four games. At that point it almost makes sense just to give every team the week off for simplicity sake.

I wouldn't necessarily classify these as bad ideas, but the logistics how of this could work out may not make sense and the owners would have to convince the NFLPA it was a good idea as well. Roger Goodell can't unilaterally make a decision like this without buy-in from the NFLPA. Sometimes I think Bill believes because Person A thinks an idea is a good one, this means automatic buy-in from Person B, when this isn't necessarily true. Bill has this misconception about NBA trades most frequently. Bill thinks if he himself believes a trade makes sense then the GM of an NBA team should obviously agree the trade makes sense.

Recently, Selig insisted that he'd retire when his contract ends in 2014, a bitter disappointment to everyone who wanted to follow a professional sports league run by someone IN HIS EIGHTIES. Are you kidding me???

Kenesaw Mountain Landis was MLB commissioner at 78 years old and died in office. He could have been 80 and served as MLB commissioner. Only his death prevented this from happening.

And look, I know the concept of electing sports commissioners is fundamentally impossible. It's a pipe dream through and through. But if Roger Goodell's job were threatened by an election, maybe he'd start thinking about semi-radical ideas like "an 18-week season with two byes."

I care not for this idea. I like a 17 week season with one bye. Maybe I am the only one who doesn't like this idea. To elect the commissioner seems silly though. Who would do the voting and could people vote more than one time? Not to mention, the NFL commissioner serves at the pleasure of and for the NFL owners. Why should anyone but the NFL owners get to decide or provide input on who serves for them in this capacity? This would be like the general public electing the CEO of a corporation. That's essentially what the NHL/NBA/MLB/NFL are, corporations.

To paraphrase an American hero named Scott Fujita, we're disappointed in you, Roger. You're a hypocrite. And there's just no way around it.

Yeah, Roger Goodell...you suck. Consider yourself ethered by Bill and he ain't beefing down.

Here's the kind of fantasy season I'm having with my crummy West Coast team: 

Here's the kind of thing I don't care to read about: Anything more than a cursory discussion of your fantasy team when I am not in the same fantasy league as you.

In other news: Cousin Sal and I actually had a brief "Should we bet the Browns at 50-to-1 to win the AFC North" conversation this week...Could the Browns go 7-3 the rest of the way with an easy schedule? See, you're screaming, "NO!!!!!!!!!! THERE'S NO WAY!!!!!!" But even us having that 90-second conversation about it had to be the Browns' biggest win in five years, right?

Absolutely. Because Bill Simmons is the ultimate decider on whether a team is a good team or not, and he will signify this by talking about the team, it is always an incredible honor for the great Bill Simmons to acknowledge your team may be competitive.

Robert Griffin III (-3.5) over Andrew Luck

Isn't it funny how this line has swung five times already?

It is funny how this fictional line has swung five times already. This is almost can be explained by the fact Bill creates this line every week in his NFL picks column and has full control of the line.

"Isn't it funny how my opinion changes from week-to-week? It's almost like I have no control over my own opinion."

Dolphins' Bye Week (-4) over Eagles' Bye Week

Put it this way: Miami didn't have to throw anyone off the stench of its season by firing a defensive coordinator who never should have been hired in the first place.

Does Miami's season really have a stench? I have been sort of impressed with the Dolphins for being 3-3 with a rookie quarterback. I guess the Dolphins 3-3 season isn't impressive to Bill.

And as Mike Lombardi pointed out on my podcast this week, Andy Reid won't do the right thing by promoting Nick Foles and looking toward the future, because that future probably doesn't include Andy, so he's going with the guy who can help him win right now. It's always fun when a coach or GM's short-term interests go directly against the long-term interests of the franchise, right?

This isn't exclusive to Andy Reid. I didn't hear the podcast, but I hope Mike Lombardi and Bill acknowledged nearly every coach who is coaching for his job will many times have his own short-term interests go against the long-term interests of the franchise.

Broncos' Bye Week (+4.5) over Falcons' Bye Week

Nooooooooooooooodle!

Calling Peyton Manning "noodle" still isn't funny.

Is anyone else rooting for Bowe to snap on his QBs like Camila did on Big Easy on The Challenge this week? Wait, you didn't get that joke? Why aren't you reading Jacoby's reality-TV column every Friday?

Because it isn't interesting at all.

Ravens (+6.5) over TEXANS

Are we sure the Texans are good? Sure seemed like Rodgers, Peyton Manning, and even Mark Sanchez could throw pretty easily on them...Oh, and the Ravens are 6-0 lifetime against the Texans. And everyone is counting them out and leaving them for dead since those season-ending injuries for Lardarius Webb and Ray Lewis. Here's your "NOBODY BELIEVES IN US!" pick for Week 7: Baltimore 34, Houston 24.

Juuuuuuuuust a big outside. Bill almost got the total amount of points scored in this game correct, but he missed badly on the score.

Meanwhile, in last week's column, a reader wondered what this year's "Suck for Luck" quest should be called, offering us "Torpedo for Geno" (for Geno Smith, the likely no. 1 pick)...The three best ideas in reverse order …

1. "Geno-Schneid"
 
The most common suggestion was actually "Geno-Cide," which we're avoiding for obvious reasons because it crosses every line and about 10 other lines beyond all the other lines.

But "Geno-Schneid" (first suggested by Haverhill reader Ernie Bassi) — now that's comedy! And it actually works!

Other than the fact it still sort of sounds like you are saying, "genocide," this still works I guess. Let's immediately not adopt this phrase.

Then Bill whines about his 3-3 Patriots for a few paragraphs.

And I didn't even mention our Hall of Fame QB, who now takes two intentional groundings a game, throws it into traffic in the red zone and randomly ducks during pass plays even when nobody is behind him.

Bitching about your Hall of Fame quarterback who is having a pretty good season. Now that's something every sports fan can identify with and understand as being something a Patriots fan could and should complain about. Bill doesn't sound spoiled and overly-whiny at all.

The more I'm thinking about it, I might skip this game altogether and take my kids to a pumpkin patch or something. Who needs to be angry on a Sunday in mid-October, the greatest month of the year? And if you think I'm overreacting, check out these e-mails …

Yes Bill, we are aware there are other whiny, bitching, spoiled Patriots fans who write into you complaining that everything isn't perfect and it is a travesty the Patriots have the audacity to show up on Sunday with a .500 record. You have created this generation of whiny bitches and they want to be just like you. Congratulations.

The Patriots with a one score lead give me the same feeling as A-Rod batting in the 9th inning. —Cory, Miami

Good one Cory! Relevant AND it bashes A-Rod.

Here's all you need to know about the state of the Patriots, and the defense in particular: On that last Seattle drive, I would have absolutely bet anything I owned that the Seahawks were going to score and beat us by one point. I'm going to to punch a wall now. —Kyle, Cambridge, MA

This is Bill's fault. He has created generation of idiots who use their own feelings as justification their opinion is right.

We know how this ends right? We're either looking at a season ending like the 2006 season ended or the 2009 season ended. Why should I invest three more months of my life for that? —Cabot, Miami, FL

The Patriots made the playoffs in both of those seasons by the way. If there was any way Cabot could sound like any more like a fair weather fan, I am not sure how this could occur.

WHY SHOULD I INVEST IN A SEASON WHERE THE AT THE VERY MOST THE PATRIOTS MAKE THE PLAYOFFS? THE PATRIOTS SHOULD JUSTIFY THEIR VERY EXISTENCE IN THE NFL IF THEY WON'T WIN THE SUPER BOWL EVERY YEAR, RATHER THAN ME JUSTIFY MY UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS!

In February of 2005 Tom Brady was 27 years old, had three Super Bowls, and was coming into [h]is prime. Now he's 35, still has three Super Bowls and is exiting his prime. How is this possible? Trading 80% of your first round picks is a start. Wasted prime. —Muzz, Woburn MA

Dear God, this is almost as bad as Cabot's email. These Patriots fans are the equivalent of wealthy 16 year old girls who are pissed off their daddy bought them last year's model Range Rover. Buy some balls and stop whining about the "wasted prime" of your quarterback when your team has missed the playoffs twice since the year 2000. Have some fucking perspective and quit acting like a baby who had his binky taken away. These specific (and not every Patriots fan, not at all) Patriots fans have had it better than nearly every other NFL team over the past decade, yet these guys choose to act like they cheer for the St. Louis Rams.

This is what Bill Simmons has caused. His decade-long whine-fest at ESPN has caused his SimmonsClones and Simmonsites to be just like him. They have become prissy little drama queens who treat every loss as the end of an era and fully expect their favorite team to win a title every year, and if they don't win a title every year they curl themselves into a little emo ball of sadness and use Bill as the outlet for their frustration. This is the current state of fandom.

ESPN's NBA Countdown (+13.5) over TNT's Inside the NBA

Take the points. At worst, we can hang around and hit a garbage-time 3 to cover the spread … right?

Maybe Bill will write a rap song about how cursed the Celtics are and perform it on "NBA Countdown."