MMQB Review: Nobody Knows Anything about the NFL, but Here's What Peter Knows Edition

Last week in Peter King's MMQB we learned that God helped the Colts beat the Packers and the Jaguars new owner is very interested in starting a massive Jaguars fan base overseas in London, probably at the expense of the Jaguars fans in Jacksonville. It's fine to cultivate overseas markets, but I can't help but wonder the effect this will have on the Jaguars Jacksonville-based fan base. Not that the Jacksonville fans should matter of course. This week Peter marvels at how quickly Russell Wilson is maturing, still considers Derek Jeter the best player he has ever seen play over a full career, and gives out shampoo traveling tips to readers of another writer's column. 

The longer you follow pro football, the more you realize why the game's so much fun and so maddening. I mean, we're six weeks into the season and who really knows anything?

Nobody really knows anything about this NFL season, unless your name is Peter King. Peter knows enough to state in this very column we shouldn't call rookies "rookies" anymore and he knows the Falcons are the best team in the NFL right now. Other than the things in this column Peter thinks he knows, nobody knows anything.

Former Niners owner Eddie DeBartolo to Sam Farmer of the L.A. Times, on the 49ers, after their 79-3 dismantling of the Jets and Bills in Weeks 4 and 5: "They're better than anybody they're going to play ... I don't see a weakness."

Sunday at Candlestick: New York Giants 26, San Francisco 3.

That is so crazy how Eddie DeBartolo's opinion could be wrong. He's so knowledgeable about the NFL and certainly isn't biased at all to think that the team he used to own is the best team in the NFL and has no weaknesses.

The AFC East: New York 3-3, New England 3-3, Buffalo 3-3, Miami 3-3.

"The league's really wacky this year,'' Bills safety Jairus Byrd said from Arizona Sunday evening. "Anything can happen. Just look at us."

Look at anybody.

Nobody knows anything about how good each NFL team is right now. It's almost like it would be a waste of time for Peter to do a "Fine Fifteen" this week since he admittedly knows nothing. Yet, he manages to get past his admitted lack of knowledge to post his "Fine Fifteen."

We have to stop calling rookies rookies

Since they are by definition NFL players who haven't played in the NFL prior to that year I am interested to see what word Peter suggests we use. Maybe call them "first year players" though that is a longer term to use and I personally would just resort back to calling them "rookies." Calling a player a "rookie" doesn't mean that player isn't very good at football or can't do his job well. It just means he hasn't played in the NFL prior to this current year.

Rookie quarterbacks were 4-1 Sunday, first-pick Luck the only loser, and Cleveland's Brandon Weeden getting his first pro victory. What should amaze us all is the quick maturation of them all. Robert Griffin III runs the Redskins like it's Baylor. Tannehill picked up where he left off at Texas A&M. And Russell Wilson -- more about him later -- has overcome the height and rookie thing to beat Tony Romo, Aaron Rodgers, Cam Newton and Tom Brady in the first six weeks of his pro career.

And remember, Russell Wilson's TEAM didn't beat Tony Romo, Aaron Rodgers, Cam Newton and Tom Brady, it was Russell Wilson personally and by himself who beat these quarterbacks. Sorry, Seattle defense you don't get any credit because the narrative about Wilson's height is much more interesting to the media than the achievements of a tough defense.

The maturation of Russell Wilson. After his sixth NFL game Sunday, a 24-23 win over the Patriots at home, Wilson told Tom Brady on the field, "I have so much respect for you as a player and a person. It's great to play against you." He walked through the Seattle locker room, shaking hands with every player. He stopped to share a few moments with owner Paul Allen. In his post-game press conference, during which he deflected any praise about himself toward the team, he finished the way he finishes interviews broadcast live to Seattle fans: "Go Hawks!''

Good teammate. Good politician. Good guy. And a very quick study as a quarterback.

But more importantly, he returns Peter's phone calls, which means Peter is prone to give Wilson more favorable coverage. If Wilson gets too down about a loss, well that doesn't mean much he's just a competitor. Wilson threw three interceptions (not that Wilson would ever do this)? He's just a rookie quarterback after all. Maybe the Seattle defense should return Peter's phone calls and start shaking everyone's hand rather than getting in Tom Brady's face for talking shit during a game and then they could possibly get credit for Seattle being 4-2.

Thirteen points down to Brady, in a heavy Seattle mist with nine minutes to go, Wilson led an 83-yard drive ending in his red-zone touchdown pass to Braylon Edwards.

I'm more impressed with the fact he got Braylon Edwards to catch the football. That's the sign of a great quarterback right there.

When Seattle GM John Schneider picked Wilson 75th overall, he was privately chided by his peers for picking Wilson too high. He's too small (5-foot-11), football people said; he won't be able to take the punishment of the pro game, and his arm's just okay. It's only six games, of course, and anything can happen,

It's the old "I've reached a conclusion that may or may not hold up in the long-term, but for the sake of finishing this column let's assume my conclusion holds up in the long-term, and if it doesn't remember I said anything can happen" way of ensuring you are correct.

and he's had a couple of games of shaky decision-making.

Ignore the bad and focus on how Wilson has played well over the last two weeks against below average defenses.

I asked Wilson if he was stunned to have beaten Tom Brady and the Patriots, with the Belichick-designed defense.

What the hell kind of question is this? Does Peter really think Russell Wilson is going to say, "Hell yeah, I'm surprised we won the game. I went into this game just assuming we would lose."? This is just not a question that tells the reader anything. Of course a pro athlete is going to say he is never stunned when he wins a game. If he said otherwise he would criticizing not only his own skill level, but his teammates as well. What kind of answer did Peter expect?

"No,'' he said. "Not at all. This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. God's given me a blessing and an opportunity. I've always looked up to Tom, even though he's 6-4, 6-5 and a different kind of player. He's so smart, got so much competitive fire and tenacity. He didn't get drafted high, and he had to work for everything he ever got. I really identify with him. I try to prepare the same way I know he prepares.''

What a shocking and insightful quote. Russell Wilson respects Tom Brady (which we wouldn't know except for the fact Peter mentioned this earlier in MMQB), Wilson models himself after Brady, identifies with Brady because he was drafted later in the NFL Draft (though Wilson was taken in the 3rd round and Brady in the 6th round...there's a big difference in those draft spots) and he expected to win the game. Was there any doubt Wilson would say he expected to win this game? Doesn't nearly every quarterback look up to a quarterback like Tom Brady?

Last week, Eli Manning's backup for three years at Ole Miss, Seth Smith, had a game-tying double in game four of the American League Division Series for Oakland against Detroit. "You call me a quarterback, and you should use that word loosely,'' Smith said Saturday. "I was never a threat to win the job from Eli. I was never close to playing. He was in another league.'' Smith, it seemed, had much in common with Manning, though -- the ability to treat a ninth-inning playoff at-bat with 50,000 screaming fans watching the same as a March at-bat in Arizona. 

Clearly Eli Manning taught Seth Smith how to handle playing in a pressure situation. Maybe Peter should ask Eli Manning if he expects to come through for the Giants in a pressure situation this year. Who knows what his answer will be?

Adam Teicher of the Kansas City Star countered the report out Sunday that Scott Pioli has been in discussions with the team on a two-year contract extension. As I said on NBC Sunday night, I can confirm the debunking -- I'm told Pioli and Chiefs owner Clark Hunt haven't been talking contract 

Some Chiefs fans breathe a sight of relief upon hearing this. 

If Alex Karras had been born half a century later, he'd have been a star on Warren Sapp's level -- even brighter.

So Alex Karras would have also been a loud mouth jerk who really has no redeeming qualities other than having played the game of football at a high level once upon a time?

2. He was so angry at Lions quarterback Milt Plum for throwing a game-turning interception that allowed the Packers to come back to beat the Lions in 1962 that, in the locker room, he took his helmet off and flung it at Plum's head, missing him by inches. And admitted doing it.

Well, as long as he admits to doing it then no-harm, no-foul. Imagine if an NFL player today threw his helmet at a teammate and the media got a hold of this information? Jay Cutler pushed a teammate and the media acted as if he had committed the greatest crime against his team that was possible. Peter suggested Cam Newton get a hearty lecture from Bernie Kosar about leadership because he was pouting after a bad performance. What if Newton had thrown a helmet at a defensive player? I'm not knocking Karras, but simply saying these wouldn't be fond "that guy was a competitor and character" memories if he played in today's NFL. These would be "this guy is a jerk who attacked his own teammates and gambled while playing in the NFL" memories.

3. He was suspended for the 1963 season for gambling on football games, and was eternally bitter at commissioner Pete Rozelle for what he thought was overreacting to a penny-ante hobby.

Gambling on football games when you are playing in the NFL...what's the big deal? 

Fine Fifteen

1. Atlanta (6-0).

They have beaten the #10, #11, and #14 teams in Peter's "Fine Fifteen." I guess that's impressive enough for Peter. There are other teams with better resumes, but it seems Peter just stuck the only undefeated team in this #1 spot.

2. New York Giants (4-2). Most impressive win by any team this season,

But not impressive enough for the #1 spot.

the 26-3 rout of the Niners that no one -- not even Abby Manning -- saw coming in its decisiveness. (Well, I'm sure Ms. Eli thought her husband would pull out a win, but a rout?)

More importantly, does it really matter what Abby Manning thinks? Peter is the type of guy who name-drops people that he knows whenever given the opportunity in MMQB. It's just Peter name-drops bizarre names like random people he knows in his personal life and the wife of an NFL quarterback. These are people I'm not sure are incredibly interesting to Peter's readers.

4. Chicago (4-1). After two straight weeks of scoring defensive touchdowns, Lance Briggs and Charles Tillman were held scoreless Sunday. 

My God, tell me more about this story. I didn't even know the Bears pla---

That could be because the Bears had a bye in advance of a Week 7 Monday nighter against Detroit.

You got me, Peter! I done got fooled by your misdirectionative comments.

5. Baltimore (5-1). John Harbaugh is now 31-5 at home. The Ravens are on a 14-game winning streak at The Big Crabcake. But it's not at home where Baltimore's about to be tested. Next six weeks: at Houston, bye, at Cleveland, vs. Oakland, at Pittsburgh, at San Diego. Yikes.

Especially "yikes" without Ray Lewis and Lardarius Webb. 

6. San Francisco (4-2). I guarantee you Jim Harbaugh hasn't slept yet, and is in his office as you read this, saying to the Bill Walsh photo on his laptop, "Coach, don't ask me. I have no idea what just happened.

You guarantee Jim Harbaugh is talking to his laptop photo as if it were really Bill Walsh? I'll take that guarantee and say Jim Harbaugh did not do this. I have an idea of what just happened. The Giants got out to a lead in the game and Alex Smith wasn't able to lead the 49ers back.

8. Seattle (4-2). Amazing thing is, I was convinced the Seahawks had to beat the tar out of Tom Brady to win this game, and Brady, with 59 pass drops, was sacked only once and hit while throwing five times. Not a lot, getting hit once every 12 attempts. But this game was won with big plays from Russell Wilson when the Seahawks had to have them.

This game was also won by the Seahawks porous defense (at least on this day) which clamped down on the Patriots in their last two possessions giving Russell Wilson (and Russell Wilson alone with help from no one else) a chance to come back in this game. I know the Seattle defense didn't play well throughout the game, but somebody somewhere needs to give them credit for playing well when they had to play well and stopping the Patriots offense.

15. Philadelphia (3-3). The story about Michael Vick carrying the ball around the Eagles' practice facility all week, reminding himself to not drop it so much, didn't work so well in the loss to Detroit. He fumbled for the 30th time in his last 30 games, and threw two more picks.

Was there someone chasing Vick around the practice facility and did Mike Vick have to pass the football to another Eagles player while he was being chased and the Eagles player was being defended by another Eagles player? If not, then I can see how this didn't work.

Offensive Players of the Week

Russell Wilson, QB, Seattle. Imagine what must be going through this kid's mind, after out-dueling Rodgers and Brady in the first six weeks of his NFL career. "It's the team, not me,'' he said from the Seattle locker room after the 24-23 win over the Patriots. Modesty will get you everywhere. 

Yeah, Wilson isn't being modest. He is being accurate in making this statement. The Seahawks defense held the Patriots to field goals instead of touchdowns and played well so that Wilson could lead a comeback. There is a difference in being modest and simply telling the truth.

Coaches of the Week

Pat Shurmur, head coach, Cleveland. He's been unfailingly optimistic around his team, which, after losing 11 in a row, had to be hard. "It wasn't really,'' he said over the phone afterward. "They're so young. 

Well, except for the Browns' quarterback. He is two years younger than Eli Manning and two years older than Matt Ryan. Think about that for a minute. I couldn't have hated the Weeden pick by the Browns more. Even if he ends up playing well and being the quarterback that can lead the Browns to the playoffs in multiple years he is going to be 30 years old before he will do this. I feel like Weeden is a short-term quarterback, that's my biggest problem with him, and a rebuilding team spent a first round pick on him.

"Do not carry me."

-- Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter, three minutes after breaking his left ankle early Sunday morning in Game 1 of the American League Championship Series, to manager Joe Girardi, who was preparing with trainer Steve Donahue to remove Jeter from the field. Jeter put his left arm over Girardi's left shoulder and his right arm over Donahue's, and he left the field putting no weight on his left foot.

What a player. What a competitor.

This is why many stat geeks say that Jeter's defense was continually overrated 2-3 seasons ago. You want him to move laterally and he ends up breaking his ankle.

I'm just kidding Yankees fans. It's too soon, I know.

Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week

A great question in Chuck Klosterman's "The Ethicist'' column in Sunday's New York Times Sunday Magazine, and if you travel, the question's for you. The question, from a reader identified as "S.B.'' from New York:

A combination of Peter King and Chuck Klosterman? Along with Peter including a haiku in every MMQB there have been quite a few unwelcome new developments in MMQB this past year.

"My boyfriend often travels for business. I always ask him to bring back the shampoo and conditioner from the hotel room, and if he is staying multiple nights, to put the shampoo in his suitcase so that the maid will replace it and he can bring home an additional bottle. He says this is stealing. I say the shampoo is included in the price of the room, and the room is not discounted the second night, so therefore the second bottle of shampoo is included the second night. Incidentally, I haven't purchased shampoo or conditioner in over four years, a point of pride for me. Your thoughts?"

If there is a better place to discuss this issue than an NFL column then I am not aware of that better place. Do you know what I think? I think if you have to write into a column and get advice on whether this is stealing shampoo or not, then you may have a few issues that are bigger than theft of shampoo. Of course, I guess asking pointless questions to Chuck Klosterman is the entire point of "The Ethicist" column. It shocks me how many people will email Bill Simmons and ask for his opinion on trivial matters and it probably shouldn't. After all "Dear Abby" was a very popular column for a long time.

The way I see it, there are three possible answers here -- and I'd love to hear your thoughts on which one you think is just.

So basically Peter wants to hear our thoughts on his thoughts concerning Chuck Klosterman's thoughts about the writer of this question's thoughts related to stealing hotel shampoo?

a. You're entitled to take as much shampoo and conditioner and soap as the housekeeper puts in your room for the length of your stay.

b. You're entitled to one bottle of shampoo and conditioner and one bar of soap per stay.

c. You should never take any toiletries from a hotel room.

Here is the answer. Would you feel comfortable going to the front desk and telling them you are taking the soap and shampoo? If so, ask them if they consider this to be stealing. If not, then it isn't stealing. After all, you can't steal something the hotel doesn't care if you take.

You know what I do with these little bottles?

Keep them to help store your special "Matt Ryan/Russell Wilson lotion" when on the road?

Nothing -- unless I find one that has a screw-on top and is easily able to be filled with the shampoo I use. Then, a couple times a year, I empty one of them per trip, clean it out, then put it in my bag, take it home, and fill it with my shampoo to take on a future trip. I do this so I don't have to take a large bottle of shampoo, which would necessitate checking a bag, which I am loathe to do. The small shampoo bottles mean I can walk on with my bag.

I say take the shampoo. I'm guessing the hotel really doesn't care. After all, I'm pretty sure they replace the shampoo and soap once they have been used...or I hope they replace them.

1. I think this is what I liked about Week 6:

f. No interceptions by the Raiders through five games. Three interceptions by the Raiders in the first half at Atlanta.

This happened against the #1 team in Peter's power rankings and (who I would guess to be) his favorite right now for MVP. Just food for thought. A kernel of a thought, really. More like a morsel of a nugget of a thought.

m. Legatron. It's a matter of time before St. Louis' Greg Zuerlein breaks the record for the longest field goal (63 yards) in NFL history. He missed a 66-yarder wide left at Miami that had plenty of leg. Of course, he missed 52- and 37-yarders too, and making any of the three would have forced overtime in a three-point loss.

I hope this "Legatron" nickname doesn't catch on. It's a good thing this happened in the second quarter of the season or else Peter would have to take back his "Offensive Rookie of the Quarter-Part of the Year" award that he gave Zuerlein. Even if Zuerlein is just so damn precocious. I'm not sure Zuerlein even knows he is playing NFL football. He probably thinks he is kicking a football in the backyard of his mom's house. His precociousness is unparalleled.

n. Ronde Barber, he of the 78-yard interception return for touchdown, still making winning plays at 37.

In a 38-10 game this was definitely the deciding play in this game. What a winning winner. Ronde Barber is the greatest player that Peter has ever seen play the game of football during Barber's entire lifetime if you only count players whose last name is "Barber."

2. I think this is what I didn't like about Week 6:

e. Hold off on the Cantonization of Andrew Luck, after his overthrow of an easy touchdown to Coby Fleener at the Meadowlands.

There are a couple of gems in this comment. The ones who are Cantonizing Andrew Luck at this point is the sports media, of which Peter King has gladly helped the hype of Luck, and I would count him as part of those starting to Cantonize Luck. On the other hand, simply because Luck overthrew his receiver in the end zone doesn't mean he isn't going to be a great quarterback either. He is a rookie and missed a throw. This will not only have no effect on his Hall of Fame candidacy, but the mere mention of this as a reason to not Cantonize Luck yet makes my head hurt.

3. I think I am sick of those in and out of the football business telling me Ben Roethlisberger gets no respect. Stop. Just stop. Just because someone doesn't think Roethlisberger is as good as Tom Brady or Eli Manning or Aaron Rodgers doesn't mean that person doesn't respect him. We're in the golden age of quarterbacks -- the best time for quarterbacks, with the deepest roster of very good ones, in the history of the league -- and I consider Roethlisberger highly respected in the hierarchy. If it's bashing a guy to consider him the third- or fifth- or seventh-best at a time of such greatness ... I mean, Lord help us.

But Peter, Roethlisberger missed an open receiver in the end zone one time. Before we start calling him a quarterback in a time of such greatness let's remember this one pass that Roethlisberger missed on six years ago. Let's not be so quick to make Roethlisberger a great quarterback due to this missed pass.

9. I think I like Mike Vick owning a dog. As he said, he needs to break the cycle of animal abuse in his family. How will you do that for the next generations without showing them dogs can be beloved pets and not killer competitors?

I think Mike Vick owning a dog is a non-story, but is a story that too many people will try to read way too many things into. He used to fight dogs, now he owns one that he doesn't fight. He appears to be rehabilitated, so there isn't much to see here.

a. I'm having a hard time understanding why the people I see running through Manhattan with LIVESTRONG gear still wear the stuff, in the wake of what we heard last week from members of Lance Armstrong's bicycle racing team that he was doping while competing for years in the Tour de France. "To be on Lance Armstrong's team, doping was a necessity,'' one teammate, Ty Hamilton, told ESPN Radio. How much more evidence do you have to see and hear to be convinced Armstrong wasn't clean when he won all those races?

These people still wear this stuff because they enjoy wearing it and Lance Armstrong's fight against cancer and improving funding for cancer research still made a positive impact. I would wear LIVESTRONG gear mostly because it is good running gear to wear. I wouldn't throw my LIVESTRONG gear away simply because Lance Armstrong doped when he won the Tour de France races.

c. There can't be more valiant losers in sports, not just baseball, than the A's and O's.

Blah, hyperbole/cliche.

e. I really feel for Derek Jeter, the best baseball player whose full career I've had the pleasure to see.

A few years ago Peter King said Derek Jeter was the best player of the last 25 years and understandably many people wrote in to him asking what he was smoking. Peter clarified to say Jeter was the best baseball player whose full career he had ever seen. I still don't know what he is smoking, but I've given up the fight at this point. There's no talking or convincing him away from this point. I wouldn't put Jeter in the Top 5 of players whose full career I have had the pleasure to see. Maybe I'm underestimating The Jeter too much.

h. The Nationals might want to sign that Phil Coke guy. His first 13 pitches in the American League Championship Series were strikes. A foreign concept to the Nats hurlers.

Throwing strikes isn't always the best way to get a hitter out, which I know I don't have to tell Peter this since he is such a huge fan of baseball. Also, Drew Storen did throw three strikes to a Cardinals hitter, but the umpire just didn't call the third strike.

The Adieu Haiku

Hey Aaron Rodgers!
Loved what you told Tafoya.
"Shhhhhhh.'' Critics silenced.

Hello Peter King!
Do not be an Easterbrook
Haikus have to go.