Gregg Easterbrook Wants More Realism In His Zombie Movies

Last week's TMQ featured Gregg criticizing the believability of the James Bond film "Dr. No," him claiming a high school coach didn't care if he ran up the score even though the coach stated he wasn't trying to run up the score and featured constant criticism of NFL head coaches for not coaching their team exactly how Gregg would coach an NFL team. Clearly, with Gregg's vast football head coaching experience he is a person who needs to be listened to when it comes to football strategy. This week as part of a forced Halloween theme, Gregg says the Falcons are the scariest team in the NFL while conveniently skipping over the draft position of some of the Falcons' stars and completely ignoring he called Julio Jones a "diva receiver" and blamed him for the Falcons struggles just last year. Please forget everything Gregg has claimed which turned out to be incorrect and blindly believe he is the expert he claims himself to be.

Halloween is tomorrow, a spooky day. Your columnist plans to dress as the national debt -- that will be scary!

I wonder how many times Gregg got his ass kicked in junior high? He is probably the guy who came to school on Halloween dressed as the Secretary of the Treasury or something.

The Falcons are no juggernaut statistically -- average in offensive and defensive stats, though looking swell at plus-10 for turnovers. Atlanta has had some good luck this season: Luck is a major factor in sports outcomes, but has this way of changing. The Falcons bring a strong offensive line and a power rushing attack.

The Falcons are 24th in the NFL in rushing yards per game, 24th in rushing yards per attempt and the offensive line has given up the 17th most sacks in the NFL. I'll let you decide if that is considered a power rushing attack.

The Falcons are 9th in the NFL in passing yards per game, 8th in passing yards per attempt, and 3rd in touchdown passes. Again, I will let you decide if the description of the Falcons as a power rushing attack, and whether this is how they are 7-0, is accurate or not.

They have hardworking veterans with football IQ: Matt Ryan, Tony Gonzalez, John Abraham, Roddy White, Dunta Robinson. And they've got one of the league's fastest defensive tackles in Peria Jerry. 

This is interesting. Since Gregg didn't include this, I wonder what the draft position for each of these players was?

Matt Ryan- 1st round
Tony Gonzalez- 1st round
John Abraham- 1st round
Dunta Robinson- 1st round
Peria Jerry- 1st round

Wow, all three players that Gregg mentioned were first round draft choices. This certainly doesn't fit Gregg's narrative that first round picks are highly-paid glory boys who only care about counting their money and not working hard. Notice how Gregg left off Julio Jones from this list, even though Jones is second on the team in receptions and yards. It's almost like Gregg wants us to forget Julio Jones exists in the hopes we won't remember he randomly called Jones a "diva" last year for absolutely no reason.

So far the Smith-Ryan combo can't win the big one, and that is the sort of problem that can become a self-fulfilling.

Is it a "problem" that is self-fulfilling or is it a "prophecy" that is self-fulfilling?

Like the Eagles, the Saints are not exactly shipshape. But if Atlanta can knock off the Sinners, the Falcons will look more like a Halloween Frankenstein. 

So in beating a team that isn't very good Atlanta will show us they are the best team in the NFC? Has their beating better teams than the Saints (like the Broncos) not shown they are the best team in the NFC already?

In other football news, Tuesday Morning Quarterback noted last week of the Denver-San Diego comeback that when a team takes a big early lead, the opposition has just as much time to reply.

I'm going to stab myself in the eye if Gregg writes this statement one more time. If one team takes an early lead then that other team has as much time to come back. This is true in every single sport and is just a fancy way of saying "this game isn't halfway over yet." If less than half, or more than half, of a game is not over than one team has as much to reply in order to cut into a big lead. This is just basic common sense. Gregg is trying to hide the stupidity of this statement by dressing it up as a deep thought.

At Dallas, the Giants jumped to an early 23-0 lead, and seemed to think the contest was over. By late in the third quarter, Dallas led 24-23. But the Giants had a secret weapon -- Tony Romo.

The quarterback for the Cowboys was a "secret weapon" the Giants didn't see coming.

"What? The Cowboys are trying to throw the ball to get back into the game? How unexpected to see them throw the ball when down their best running back...and who is this Tony Romo guy? I never knew about this specific secret weapon that Dallas had on the team."

Dolphins head coach Joe Philbin called a bold game, including a surprise onside kick in the first quarter. Rex Ryan called a timid game, punting on fourth-and-5 from midfield when trailing 27-3. Later Ryan converted on fourth-and-1 in Jets' territory but at that point, there was too little time left.

I think Gregg needs to write these rules down for going for it on fourth down. It seems like NFL teams will go for it on fourth down, but then when they don't win the game Gregg will say it was too late to go for it on fourth down or use some other excuse as to why that team didn't win the game. If he could just write his rules for going for it on fourth down in TMQ one week that would be much appreciated.

The zombie series "The Walking Dead" is a TV hit, and hype has already started for the summer 2013 zombie flick "World War Z" with Brad Pitt. Zombies have been the theme of big-budget movies "I Am Legend," "28 Days Later," "Doomsday," the many "Dawn of the Dead" and "Resident Evil" films, "Cabin in the Woods," plus countless B movies, 

Zombies were the theme of "Cabin in the Woods?" There were zombies, but they weren't the theme of the movie. Not at all. The only way a person could think the theme of "Cabin in the Woods" was zombies is if he/she has not watched the movie.

This despite the fact that, how shall I phrase this -- zombies do not exist.

Football gods don't exist and this doesn't stop Gregg from writing about them every single week in his TMQ.

But the fixation of zombie shows and movies is puzzling -- all zombies do is stagger around saying "erg … arg." They have no personalities, goals or ideas. Wait: that must be why Hollywood loves zombies! Zombies stories require no character development or originality, just some fake blood and actors who say "erg … arg."

Sure. Zombie movies and television shows also make a lot of money. That could be another reason Hollywood loves them. I'm just eyeballing here, but I think Hollywood enjoys making money and zombie movies or television shows make money right now.

Still it seems particularly annoying that in zombie movies, the zombie plague always spreads super-ultra fast; causes instantaneous mutations; and makes zombies extra strong.

Because Gregg knows when the undead begin walking the earth, they will not be ultra-strong nor will the zombie plague spread fast. These things Gregg knows for sure.

On a physical basis, how could anything -- serums, viruses -- cause the human body instantaneously to transform? OK, zombie movies don't claim to make any sense.

Gregg continues to criticize zombie movies, even after admitting they aren't supposed to make sense. So his criticisms don't make sense either because they are based on a movie or television show that doesn't make sense. This is like me criticizing "Dora the Explorer" for a lack of accuracy and realism. 

But the whole notion of a super-disease that infects the whole world in just days is without grounding in history; even the Black Plague took decades to spread, and gradually was overcome by immune responses. Ghosts seem a lot more possible than zombies. 

There is no such thing as a zombie plague, so we don't know how fast it would spread. Any criticism over how quickly a zombie plague spreads on television is ridiculous, not only because it is criticism of a fictional zombie plague, but because we have no idea how fast it would spread.

New England's Rob Gronkowski came into the London game with 32 touchdown catches in his past 39 regular-season games. No one jammed Gronkowski on a touchdown catch the previous week versus Jersey/B.

Now it's New England 14, St. Louis 7, the Flying Elvii facing third-and-goal on Les Mouflons' 7. Gronkowski simply runs into the end zone, unjammed, and turns around, touchdown. And St. Louis defenders looked surprised! Will someone please jam Rob Gronkowski!

Yes, the Rams should not let Rob Gronkowski get a free release off the line of scrimmage, but I hope Gregg doesn't think jamming Gronkowski would effectively prevent him from scoring a touchdown. He is incredibly athletic and tall, so even if a team jams him there is a chance (especially with Tom Brady throwing him a pass) that he scores a touchdown. Jamming him is an excellent idea, but isn't a cure-all.

Maybe coaching does really matter... Last season with him running the defense, the Saints allowed 21 points per game. This season without him, the Sinners are allowing 31 points. Maybe coaching really does matter.

Yes, maybe coaching does matter. Who would have thought coaching mattered at all...especially someone like Gregg Easterbrook who writes in TMQ every week about how a coach's bad decision-making (like not going for it on fourth down) cost his team a victory because that decision didn't provide enough proof to his team that coach wanted to win the game.

Bad play by the New Orleans defense: early in the third quarter, Denver leading 17-7, the Sinners put seven men into the tackle box to stop the run, and backup tailback Ronnie Hillman went off-tackle for 31 yards. Long gainer against a run defense: ouch.

This is an "ouch" play, but the fact the Saints had seven men in the box also meant there were fewer defenders down field to tackle the ball carrier if he got past the line of scrimmage without being tackled. So with seven guys in the box, if the runner gets past the line of scrimmage it can often be a long gain like this.

Cheer-Babe Professionalism Watch: Now that the weather is turning cold, cheer-babe professionalism comes into play. Professionalism in this sense means skin or at least skin-tight, which propitiates the football gods.

This also appeases the creepy pervert in Gregg's soul. In Gregg's opinion, the only other thing that propitiate the football gods even more is if ex-backup quarterback punt protector Jets was shirtless in a catalog. Gregg also wants to know why is it so hard to find shirtless men on the Internet nowadays.

Saturday night at Norman, Okla., it was a nippy 42 degrees at kickoff. Sooners cheerleaders were all bundled up in heavy gear as if a blizzard was blowing through the stadium. Notre Dame cheerleaders wore miniskirts. That's all the information required to know who won the game. 

Doesn't Gregg mean Weasel Coach Brian Kelly won this game? If Notre Dame had lost you could bet that Gregg would call Brian Kelly a weasel coach for leaving both the University of Cincinnati and Central Michigan for an opportunity to coach at other schools. Verily, the Fighting Irish won so Gregg can't cherry-pick this week when he wants to state being a weasel coach doesn't pay off. 

The Dallas defense held, and Jersey/A punted with 51 seconds remaining. Dallas did not rush the punt -- an odd coaching choice.

Gregg considers this an odd coaching choice despite the fact Gregg has stated in the past a team has a better chance of committing a penalty for roughing the kicker than they have a chance of blocking the kick. Gregg has somewhat advocated for teams to not rush the punter for this reason. Gregg even said this is one of the virtues of his Pulaski Academy hero coach, Kevin Kelley. Naturally, Gregg urges the Cowboys to ignore his own advice so that he can criticize them for not doing something he doesn't consider worth doing anyway.

What's really driving your columnist crazy about this election is the rhetoric on Medicare. Romney and sidekick Paul Ryan say they want to cut federal spending but also want to increase Medicare spending by the strangely precise $716 billion.

This is probably the first and only time in history that $716 billion will be described as "strangely precise." I'm pretty sure Gregg thinks the use of any number outside of the number "1" is strangely precise.

Obama's projected $716 billion in future Medicare savings

What a strangely precise projected amount of savings!

Pulaski, which opened the season 1-2, won its sixth straight, improving to 7-2 and securing a postseason berth. On Friday, the Bruin play for the No. 1 seed. Here are Kelley's fourth-down decisions from last week: 

Fourth-and-15 on opponents' 18: Pass, touchdown.
Fourth-and-5 on own 37: Pass, incompletion.
Fourth-and-3 on opponents' 17: Rush, first down.
Fourth-and-3 on opponents' 8: Pass, first down.
Fourth-and-2 on opponents' 41: Rush, first down. 

What Gregg leaves out when telling us Pulaski went 4 for 5 on fourth down in this game is the caliber of the opponent they were playing. I believe he does this intentionally so his readers won't notice the talent disparity in this game. Pulaski won 57-24 against Sylvan Hills, who are 4-4 this season. There is a large gap in talent between these two teams. Pulaski is ranked 15th in the state of Arkansas.

Sylvan Hills is ranked 94th in the state of Arkansas.

The issue isn't whether Newton is a bust or whether he should be compared to black or white high-drafted quarterbacks. The issue is that he was chosen No. 1 overall, and needs to start winning games...If he doesn't produce W's, he will face the same criticism white No. 1 overall choices Couch and David Carr faced.

The issue that Warren Moon is trying to bring up is that he believes Newton is already facing the same criticism that Couch and David Carr faced. None of this crap really matters, but Gregg misses the point. The point isn't that Moon doesn't want Newton to face these comparisons and (what Moon sees as) unfair criticism in the future, but he is concerned these comparisons and unfair criticism are happening now.

Obscure College Score of the Week: Minnesota-Morris 30, Crown College 29 in overtime. Crown scored first in overtime, then missed its PAT: ouch. Located in Morris, Minn., the University of Minnesota-Morris boasts a biomass gasifier.

Peter King still thinks the PAT is a waste of time. There are so many other things that could be done in the time it takes to kick a PAT, like show even more commercials between the time a touchdown was scored and when the opposing team takes possession on offense. Instead of wasting time with a PAT, that is another 30 second commercial FOX/CBS/ESPN/NBC/NFL Network could show prior to the kickoff, at which point they go to commercial yet again before the team with possession of the ball runs a play.

Next Week: If you don't vote, you must never, ever complain about the result.

While I somewhat agree with this sentiment, what happens if a person doesn't like the options given to him when voting? Is it better to vote for a candidate you don't believe in just so you can say you voted? I'm just asking, but I somewhat believe a person could not vote and still complain, if the reason for voting was there isn't a candidate he/she believed in. Regardless, a person should vote because they want to make a difference with their vote, rather than so they have permission to bitch.

While I agree with this statement in some ways, it is also like saying if you don't eat at McDonald's then you can't complain about the fact they don't have anything on the menu that you like.