But Wait, Bill Simmons Has Some Thoughts on the Heat's 27 Game Winning Streak Too

Bill Simmons writes one column a week. Even then he mails it in by doing a mailbag about once a month or so it seems. Since the Heat lost to the Bulls a couple of days before he wrote this column and this ended the Heat's 27 game win streak, the odds were very, very good Bill's Friday column would be about the Heat and the end of this streak. If there is anything I can say for sure about Bill it is that he is predictable. So Bill proclaims the Heat-Bulls game the best regular season NBA game ever. But don't worry, he isn't being hyperbolic even though that statement sounds extremely hyperbolic. After Bill states this, he continues on and on for thousands of other words, probably in an attempt to break his readers' will.

When I wrote my basketball book four years ago, I included a section about the NBA's 10 most unbreakable records. Ranking first: Wilt Chamberlain averaging 50 points per game for an entire season, something we're never seeing again unless (a) some lunatic parent pumps enough HGH into his young son to create an 8-foot-2 basketball player, (b) they make 3-pointers worth six points, or (c) LeBron and Serena Williams decide to start having kids. The rest of my NBA Unbreakables, in order …

2. Wilt's 55-rebound game.
3. Russell's 11 rings.
4. The '72 Lakers winning 33 straight.
5. George McGinnis's 422 turnovers in one season.
6. Wilt's 100-point game.
7. Chicago's 72-win season.
8. Scott Skiles's 30-assist game.
9. Rasheed Wallace earning 41 technicals in one season.
10. Jose Calderon missing just three free throws in 2009 (for a record 98.1 percentage).

I like how Bill provides the link for his book so we can all buy it. The Sports Mansion needs a bigger television in the man cave, plus Bill owes Jimmy Kimmel money for claiming to be Bill's friend, so money is tighter than you would think.

I believed those first five records were unbreakable, while the next five were conceivably breakable (even if it wasn't likely).

I believe Bill is struggling a bit with the definition of "unbreakable." If a record could conceivably be breakable (and there is our first appearance of the overused parenthesis from Bill...it's going to be a long article), then it isn't unbreakable, no? Unbreakable means a record can't be broken, correct? Otherwise the record is breakable. So rather than admit he might be wrong about the 72' Lakers' win streak he just starts talking semantics as if he isn't wrong in conception of his original idea. It's like being wrong, but not being wrong because you say you aren't wrong. Bill's ego couldn't handle being wrong.

So yeah, I thought that 33-gamer was lasting for the rest of my life.

Here is a little insight into Bill's worldview. "Unbreakable" means a record won't be broken for the rest of Bill's life. Naturally in tribute to Bill Simmons, the NBA will disband immediately upon Bill's death, so there's no way the 33 game win streak could be broken after Bill dies. 

"That Lakers streak was like Bob Beamon's long jump in Mexico City," I wrote four years ago, "only if he jumped 39 feet instead of 29 feet." Even by falling six victories short of the magical 33, the 2013 Heat made history not just by challenging such hallowed ground, but by making us believe, Wait a second … they might actually DO this.

Bill uses "us" and "we" through this entire article. It is never not irritating when he does this. I completely thought the Heat could do it. Of course I also didn't write a book saying no NBA team could beat this win streak record, so don't drag me down into your idiocy as if your book was written by "we" instead of you. If the book was written by "us" then I'm going to need some royalties ASAP.

Just for the hell of it, let's break down all the streak-related winners and losers.

"Just for the hell of it" being translated to "I'm out of column ideas."

If anyone sees a CraigsList ad from a person claiming to write for ESPN who is openly soliciting column ideas then I will know who the author behind this ad is.

WINNER: Wednesday night

The entire fucking night just won. Congrats Wednesday. Better luck next time Thursday.

Just so you know: I doubled up on my anti-hyperbole medication these past two days. I talked to a few hoops junkies whom I trust completely.

This is a little reminder that (a) Bill is about to say something stupid, (b) Bill knows people "in the know" when it comes to the NBA, and (c) they know more about the NBA than you do so don't even bother questioning whether the statement Bill will make that these hoop junkies agree with is true or not. It's true because Bill knows people who think it is true.

I considered the consequences of falling into the whole "ESPN dude takes an in-the-moment sporting event and blows it out of proportion" trap that tends to happen in this 365/24/7 era of covering sports. I even gave myself an extra day to chew on the following point (and this column as a whole). And here's where I ultimately arrived: Wednesday night's game was the greatest NBA regular-season game ever played.

Who cares? Wait, I'm sorry, was I supposed to be awed and very emotional over this statement? My bad. Repeat it please.

Repeat: Wednesday night's game was the greatest NBA regular-season game ever played.

Yep, I still don't give a shit even when the extra drama of repeating the statement is added. Notice how Bill tries to concede the two major rebuttals to this statement by explaining he took "anti-hyperbole medication" and saying he took an extra day (an entire day? Consider me convinced then!) to think about it. Simply because he knows the reasoning behind why a person would think Bill's conclusion is faulty doesn't make his conclusion any less faulty.

You had the underdog Bulls playing without their two best players against the most famous NBA team since Jordan's Bulls.

The early 2000's Lakers teams would like to have a word with you.

And you had Chicago's spectacular crowd, one of the few old-school NBA fan bases left that (a) understood the stakes, (b) would never sell their tickets on StubHub to Miami fans, and (c) knew from experience exactly how to affect such a game.

I'm sorry, I'm having trouble writing complete sentences that can cut through all of this hyperbolic bullshit I am reading.

I can't remember watching an NBA regular-season game that felt like a Game 7 before. Those Super Bowl Sunday battles in the 1980s between the Celtics and Sixers or Celtics and Lakers always felt special, maybe even like playoff games … but never like a Game 7. 

But mostly they were battles that involved the Celtics. That's the important thing to know. The second most important thing to know is these regular season games between the Celtics and Sixers/Lakers only felt like a Game 5 or maybe a Game 6 depending on how the Boston (and ALWAYS the Boston crowd) was affecting the opposing team.

Even last week, Miami's thrilling victories in Boston and Cleveland felt like playoff games. Just not Game 7s.

Again, these games felt like a Game 3 or Game 4. Also, Bill is making every word of this column up. I hope you as a reader understand this and I know you do.

During that final minute, the Chicago fans cheered their boys the same way a crowd would celebrate a clinching Game 7, and only because that's exactly how it felt. The streak was dead. The underdog Bulls slayed it. Throw in the swelling drama, as well as that incredulous, "Wait, they're not actually gonna lose, right?" feeling of those last few minutes — shades of Douglas-Tyson, Super Bowl XLII, UNLV-Duke and every other time that's happened — and that's the best NBA regular-season game ever played.

I think Bill is considerably overplaying how important this game was. Let's not forget that Bill wrote just four years ago that the 72' Lakers 33 game win streak was unbreakable and now he is placing a regular season game where a 27 game win streak was broken in with three of the most improbable upsets in sports history. Tyson, the Bills, and UNLV were pretty big favorites going into those games. Only Bill Simmons could try to get away with calling a 33 game win streak unbreakable and then also stating it is a historic upset when a 27 game win streak is broken. He's trying very, very hard to have it both ways.

We'll only see a repeat if (a) someone else challenges that 33-gamer, or (b) someone challenges Chicago's 72-10 record. Good luck.

Well, it is an unbreakable record right? So don't expect a team to challenge the 33 game win streak.

I hate five teams and only five: the Lakers, Yankees, Heat, Canadiens and New York Giants. My children will never be allowed to root for those five teams. It's just non-negotiable. And even I was rooting for Miami on Wednesday night.

Bill's children can't root for these teams, but when Bill makes up some hyperbolic nonsense about why he needs to cheer for one of these teams for the sake of a column it is perfectly fine for him to do so. I can't wait until 20 years from now when Bill's son is handed the reins of "The Sports Guy" moniker. It's like succession in a dictatorship to where the successor is worst than the dictator he is succeeding.

It felt icky, it felt weird, it felt foreign … but it had to be done.

By the way, I'm making a wanking motion with my hand. If anyone gets to this part of the column and hasn't quit, that person either is (a) me or (b) a real Bill Simmons fan.

LOSER: The 2008 Rockets
 
One of the NBA's all-time WTF moments had always been a good-but-not-great Rockets team improbably ripping off 22 straight wins en route to the second-longest streak ever. They won the last 10 without Yao Ming, with Chuck Hayes and Dikembe Mutombo (somewhere between 40 and 57 at the time) impersonating a center platoon for them. In other words … WTF???????
Now? It's a little less WTF-ey, right?

No, not it is not. It's actually more "WFT-ey" because LeBron, Bosh and Wade only got to 27 games while the Rockets got to 22 games with Chuck Hayes, Steve Francis, Bobby Jackson and Luther Head all getting between 18.9 and 19.9 minutes per game on the season. This Rockets win streak has become more amazing to me as the years go by.

These last 15 years, teams started valuing 3-pointers more and more, leading to the Seven Seconds or Less Suns and even Orlando's 2009 team (basically, Dwight Howard and a bunch of shooters). Now we have Miami, a team that has figured out how to blend that old-school movement with the new trend of embracing long-range shooting, corner 3s and everything else that a computer program spits out with "DO THIS!!!!!" in big bold letters. 

It has to be added that Miami and Erik Spoelstra embraced this method of ball movement partially because the Heat's team contains three of the best players in the NBA, including the best player in the NBA. That always helps an offense work well, when the best player in the NBA can guard five positions and is in the prime of his career.

And look, emphasizing more 3s … that's replicable. You know what isn't replicable? LEBRON JAMES. Nobody has anyone remotely like him, and when you watch the way LeBron makes his teammates better game after game after game — always getting them the right shots, always finding the right balance between his offense and getting everyone else involved — you'd have to say that Spoelstra succeeded here.

Spoelstra did succeed here. Team USA also had a similar strategy in the 2012 Olympics and that seemed to work out well also. The lesson to be learned is: Get LeBron James on your team with other talented players and let James play basketball.

It's not that easy, but it also isn't that hard.

LOSER: Kevin Durant

With 10 games remaining in the season, he's averaging 28.2 points, 7.9 rebounds and 4.5 assists per game (borderline Bird territory).

Only Bill Simmons could make me cringe when reading the name of my favorite basketball player as I was growing up.

Here's the point: Poor Durant's MVP campaign wasn't just overshadowed by LeBron and this Miami streak, it was steamrolled and left for dead. Too bad. As Whitlock would say, keep doing the damn thang, KD.

As Bengoodfella would say, don't quote Jason Whitlock unless absolutely necessary. It wasn't necessary in this situation.

WINNER: The concept of NBA adulthood

You know the biggest reason the Heat won 27 games? You know, other than the part where the greatest player in 20 years suits up for them? Ray Allen, Udonis Haslem, Shane Battier, Mike Miller, Rashard Lewis, Juwan Howard, even LeBron and Wade and Bosh … these guys are all professionals in the truest sense. 

"They are all professionals in the truest sense." That's your hero Simmonsites. Now imagine those words coming out of the mouth of Hubie Brown and try not to pretend you wouldn't mock him for spitting out useless, boring hyperbole. Go ahead, I can wait.

When you're grinding out win after win after win for almost two solid months — 

So far we have a "true professionals" reference and now Bill is talking about grinding out wins. I think it is safe to say being on television has damaged Bill's brain.

You need guys who can stay focused, keep grinding out those workdays and say things like, "It's 3:30 a.m., we have a game tomorrow, you need to go home." The 2013 Heat have an overload of adults. Don't think it was an accident.

You need grinders, dirt dogs, and guys willing to leave it all out in the floor. It's nice to see 2013 Bill Simmons has now become a parody of himself. He's spitting out hyperbole to no end.

In 2010, I wrote that Miami couldn't win the title without quality role players, that every lesson from NBA history told us three guys wasn't enough, that it absolutely HAD to be a team effort (at least eight guys).

And let's be completely honest, we all knew winning a title took quality role players. This isn't new information Bill has lay claim to being the first to tell us. All NBA championship teams have had quality role players. The problem is finding these quality role players.

Then Bill goes on about Shane Battier and the infamous speech he gave to the Heat after the first win of the 27 game winning streak. Because apparently the Heat need to be motivated appropriately in order to win games.

WINNER: The 1972 Lakers

Not just because they kept their streak, but because Miami's run pushed people to start considering the magnitude of that 33-gamer again. Was that streak underrated, overrated or properly rated?

I don't think there is a really accurate way to even measure this. I guess it is fine to debate this since it is something writers seem to enjoy doing.

THE STREAK WAS OVERRATED BECAUSE …

The NBA expanded from nine teams to 17 over a five-year span from 1966 to 1971, adding Portland, Cleveland and Buffalo for the 1970-71 season. At the same time, the renegade ABA was cranking through its fifth season with an 11-team league that included legitimate stars like Artis Gilmore, Rick Barry, Julius Erving, Roger Brown, Dan Issel, Charlie Scott and Mel Daniels.

Don't tell Rick Reilly the ABA had legitimate stars because he won't believe it. Rick did at least 10 seconds of research when writing his "Heat versus Lakers win streak" column and he did this research by trying to recall the best ABA players he could think of from 40 years ago. Then Rick made a few dentist jokes and called it a day. Rick's memory is the only research tool he ever needs.

We had four of the eight longest winning streaks ever to that point: the '72 Lakers (33), the '71 Bucks (20, the second-longest), the '70 Knicks (18) and the '71 Bucks again (16).

Rick Reilly had a completely different interpretation of the winning streaks in this era. Isn't it funny how two different writers within ESPN can look at the same period and come up with such different conclusions? It's almost like these writers shade the information they give the reader based on the conclusion the writer wants to reach.

THE STREAK WAS UNDERRATED BECAUSE …

They annihilated everybody during that 33-gamer, winning 23 games by double digits and beating every team by four points or more. They only had one real scare: win no. 20 over Phoenix, which extended into overtime before the Lakers eventually won by nine. And guess what? That streak happened during an era that didn't have chartered airplanes, direct flights, good exercise equipment, good medical care, arthroscopic surgery, smart dieting, personal trainers (you don't know how badly I want to throw a PED joke in here, but I won't), first-rate sneakers … actually, the deck was stacked against anyone winning that many games.

As always, I am pleading the "even playing field" reason for why the traveling conditions don't make me believe the '72 Lakers had it tougher than the 2013 Heat did. The deck wasn't that stacked against a team winning a lot of games in a row during the 71-72 season because the other teams had to weather the same traveling conditions that the Lakers had to weather. So it still goes back to talent versus talent in the games. I believe it was an even playing field.

I didn't really consider this until Len Elmore dropped into our NBA Countdown production meeting on Wednesday, then told us what it was like to travel as a basketball player in the 1970s: few direct flights, most of the team crammed into coach seats (and these weren't short guys, obviously), everyone angling for any first-class seats that opened up (which always went by seniority), players inhaling secondhand cigarette smoke in those cramped cabins and eating terrible food, and many times, planes arriving at 4 a.m. with the players having to rally for a noon game.

I am sure Len Elmore also made passive-aggressive comments about the officiating too. Again, these traveling conditions suck, but didn't every NBA team had to weather these conditions? So Phoenix, Buffalo, Boston, and every other NBA team had to play a lot of games in a short amount of time and fly coach. The '72 Lakers weren't at a distinct disadvantage compared to the other NBA teams they played. On the flip side, the 2013 Heat are playing a bunch of teams who have the same luxuries the Heat have. So I think it is even playing field.

After listening to Elmore for two minutes,

You wanted to hang yourself?

So winning 33 straight during THAT era? Has to cancel out the positive effects of a diluted league, right?

I don't think it does. I also don't think the '72 Lakers streak is over/underrated.

WINNER: Jerry West

Not just for keeping his streak, but for being so damned magnanimous during Miami's run. When I interviewed him for NBA Countdown last week …

This is just Bill wanting to remind us he interviewed Jerry West on the NBA television show he hosts. This is basically Bill starfucking himself. As if we didn't get the point that Bill is very successful and has many trophies on his shelf in a separate room of his house that no one else is allowed to enter, Bill goes on to describe all of the famous basketball players he has interviewed. It's one big, long humblebrag.

Quick tangent on this: I have been lucky enough (and that's an understatement) to spend six hours talking hoops with Bill Russell, two hours with Bill Walton, an hour with Larry Bird, and god knows how many hours with Magic.

Bill hosts an NBA pregame show with Magic. He wants you to be aware of this. Again, this is a humblebrag combined with false modesty.

You know the spirit behind SNL's Five-Timers Club sketch, when someone joins an exclusive club by hosting for a fifth time and gets access to a special place where all the other five-timer hosts hang out? I think that's what happens when you become one of THE great players. Once you're in, you're in. Bring up any great player to any of the other great players and they're astoundingly gushy and complimentary, like they understand what makes that guy special more than you or I could. And they'll defend the other great guys to the death.

Bill knows this because he spends a lot of time with Magic Johnson and has met many famous NBA players. He really wants you to understand this, to the point he is telling us that only great players understand other great players, which is something we already knew.

Tangent off that tangent's tangent: The next time I saw Magic after Russell had told me that story, I brought it up. I was about six words in and Magic just started nodding. One of the best things anyone had ever done for him, he said. And he was delighted that Russell remembered it.

Bill knows Magic Johnson everyone! HOW CAN BILL WORK HARDER TO MAKE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND THIS?

WINNER: Pat Riley

By the way, Pat Riley was a winner long before the Heat went on a 27 game winning streak.

Riley didn't just build the team that won 27 straight games, he spent the past three decades setting the stage for this specific season. He convinced the game's greatest player, at the peak of his powers, to stab his hometown in the back and play on someone else's team. He picked an unknown coach and backed him to the bitter end. He pushed his guys privately and stayed mum publicly, and if you think Riley wasn't the biggest reason the LeBron-Wade relationship never imploded during its darkest times, you're crazy.

Hey, remember that NBA Title the Heat won back in June? That's when all of this work Pat Riley put in really came together and worked. So Pat Riley won 10 months ago. Sucks to be late to the party, but we're just not glad you are here. The 27 game winning streak isn't the point at which Pat Riley started winning, it was when he won his first NBA Title with LeBron-Wade-Bosh.

LOSER: Everyone who hates that Miami stacked the deck in 2010

Remember when LeBron, Wade and Bosh joined forces in Miami and we threw the biggest collective hissy fit in recent memory?

I don't remember when "we" threw a hissy fit, but I do remember when Bill was dramatic and threw a hissy fit when LeBron joined the Heat. 

I love when Bill makes a mistake or thinks something and then says "we" thought this so that he won't be the only one who is wrong...even though he could potentially be the only one who is wrong. Bill gets things right all by himself, but "we" get things wrong together.

Quite simply, we declared war on the Heat. We booed them in every arena, ripped them to shreds on the Internet, lambasted them on radio shows, dangled a heat lamp over them and turned it to high. We liked having a villain again. We wanted them to fold.

Thanks for speaking for all of us, Bill. This is how we all feel and we are glad you are our spokeperson. Without you, we would not know how we felt about LeBron. You are our voice.

That summer, multiple friends told me that they rooted for Dallas the same way they would have rooted for America's World Cup soccer team, or one of our Olympic teams. There was something bigger than basketball at stake. That's how we felt. 

Despite the fact Bill is doing a bang-up job of explaining how I felt about LeBron James, I'm going to give my two cents on how I felt about LeBron James. I've never liked him as an NBA player. I always root against him no matter who he plays for. So LeBron's decision didn't change me, though I am sure Bill knows me better than I know myself. After all, he IS Bill Simmons the guy who knows everything and speaks in the plural form because he truly believes we all share his opinion...and why wouldn't we share Bill's opinion? He is Bill Simmons.

But the Heat may have forged their way into that previous paragraph anyway. Assuming they win the title convincingly, or even semi-convincingly, that 27-gamer raised their street cred to historic heights.

So Bill has put the 2013 Heat as a winner based on his assumption they will win the NBA Title. They probably will, but this is still a big assumption in April.

Throw in the prohibitive salary cap and I can't see 27 happening again, much less 33. 

But Bill isn't saying 27 games in a row won't happen again conceivably. He is saying it won't happen again, but not conceivably, because conceivably it could happen again, but it won't, but it could. All of Bill's bases are now covered. He is right no matter what happens.

What's the asterisk for? Because they have to win the title now … or the streak loses about 50 percent of its ultimate meaning. You know how I know this? I'm a New England Patriots fan, that's how. Here's how often Pats fans get together and fondly remember the time we won our first 18 games in 2007: never. Not once.

Every New England Patriot fan on Earth doesn't remember the first 18 games of the 2007 season fondly. Bill speaks for you all. Bill's ego is massive by the way. Enormous. He makes Kayne West look like a shrinking violet.

Two Mondays ago, my buddy House finished dinner at a restaurant and moved into the bar to catch the finish of the Heat-Celtics game. You know who else moved into that bar? About two-thirds of the people eating at the restaurant. As they yelled and gasped and cheered during the final few minutes, it struck House that this scene was happening in Washington, D.C., a city with a forgettable NBA team and no real rooting interest. Everyone cared.

"I'll take 'anecdotal evidence from secondhand sources' for $200, Alex."

I always enjoy how much of Bill's reasoning usually revolves around him saying, "Well my friend went to this bar one time and everyone there was interested in the game, so this is the most important game in the history of the world." It's the reasoning of a 10 year old whose world only revolves around those people he knows and this 10 year can't fathom there is life or an opinion outside of his own little world.

Most of those same people probably hated Wade and LeBron less than three years ago for selling out and playing together.

Yes, most of these people probably hated Wade and LeBron less than three years ago. It's amazing to me how Bill makes such large assumptions to prove his points. Isn't it possible these people were just interested in the game or still hate LeBron James/Wade and that's why they were watching the game? It's entirely possible no fewer people hate LeBron/Wade and that's why they are interested in watching the Heat play, to watch them lose.

It's the same reason we loved Tiger so much once upon a time … and it's the same reason we'd drop everything to root for him again at Augusta next month.

Enough of this "we" shit. I will maybe, maybe, watch the last 30 minutes of the Masters. I won't be cheering for Tiger, so "we" want you to take your assumptions and shove them.

I was thinking of House's story during that Heat-Bulls game — people across America packed into dorm rooms and bars and restaurants and living rooms and in front of computer screens, all of them riveted by what was happening. It's a moment that's usually reserved for a big playoff game, big tournament conclusion or a big fight. For it to happen during an NBA regular-season game — more than once, by the way — was just about unprecedented.

I can't imagine being friends with Bill. For a person to be friends with Bill that person would either have to be the dumbest person in the world who absolutely can't think for himself or has to be exactly as vapid as Bill is. I don't see how a reasonable, smart-thinking person could put up with Bill for long.

I did a podcast on Monday with the great Bob Ryan, who's the closest thing we have to an NBA savant right now.

Just a reminder, Bill did a podcast with Bob Ryan. Impressive isn't it?

if aliens landed on Earth and challenged us to one game for the future of the planet, and you could pick any five guys from any point in history to defend us, who would you pick? We both had the same picks before this season: We'd build the team around Bird, Magic and MJ, with Tim Duncan as the power forward, and either Kareem, Russell or Walton as the centers (depending on what kind of team you wanted).

I would take Shaq in his prime, but that's just me. I'm sure Bill Russell, Kareem, or Walton would have defended Shaq absolutely perfectly without an issue.

Well, guess what? Not only did LeBron hijack Duncan's spot … it's not even a debate. You would have to be a moron to have the team without LeBron James.

This does explain why Bill didn't have LeBron his "alien" team originally.

Give me 1986 Bird, 1987 Magic, 1992 Jordan and 2013 LeBron and I don't care who's playing center. For the record, I'd pick 1977 Walton as my center just in case the aliens had a 7-foot-6 monster or something,

Or Shaq. If the aliens had 2000 Shaq that wouldn't bode well.

That's how I feel right now, on March 29, 2013, two days after the NBA's second-best winning streak of all time. Three months from now, I might feel differently. But I doubt it.

Basically what Bill is saying is that if there is any further information which proves him wrong then he will completely change his mind and say that "we" were wrong about whether LeBron should be on this alien team or not...because Bill is never, ever wrong without everyone else being wrong also. His ego couldn't handle the idea he isn't the most clever and smartest person in the room at all times.