I'm Not Feeling Rick Reilly

I know we were all NFL Drafted out of late, so I held this post for a couple of weeks. Rick Reilly wrote about the NFL Draft and how he isn't "feeling" the draft. Get it? He's not "feeling" the draft. A "draft" refers to wind and you can feel the draft, but "draft" also refers to the choosing of amateur players by professional teams. It's a play on words AND it's annoying. What a combination that is and a combination that will be seen a few more times in this column. Rick hates sports and has very little knowledge about them, so his weak attempt at a Bill Simmons draft diary comes off as lazy and half-assed as his columns for ESPN tend to feel. Don't worry the title isn't the only bad pun in this column, and yes, Rick is still throwing the fact he is absurdly overpaid in our face. I don't know what Rick is paid now that he has a new contract with ESPN, but it's safe to assume he is still overpaid.

Have you ever had dinner in a hospital cafeteria? And there was nothing you wanted? But you had to choose anyway?

No, I lower my expectations upon entering the hospital cafeteria. It's a hospital cafeteria, not a Ruths Chris.

That's a little how NFL general managers must've felt Thursday night for Round 1 of the 2013 draft, which featured a talent pool so shallow, you could hardly wet your ankle bone.

Quite a few General Managers made mention of how the talent level was so deep from the middle of the lottery to the middle of the second round in this draft. The talent pool didn't have too many high points, but this was one of the deepest drafts in the last few years. I wouldn't expect Rick Reilly to know this because he doesn't like sports.

Still, it made for a wildly unpredictable evening, if you like that sort of thing.

And really, who watches sports for the unpredictability of it all?

These were the highlights, written on the fly, I swear:

The following column is Rick Reilly stealing the idea of a running diary from Bill Simmons. Bill Simmons didn't invent the running diary, but Rick is using the very same idea of a running diary for the very same kind of event Bill usually will write a running diary. I consider this to be stealing because they both work at the same company. Rick Reilly has to constantly reinforce his uselessness, so I'm surprised he didn't mention he stole this idea.

8 p.m. ET -- The big question tonight: Can the New York Jets get two first-round draft picks and still manage to suck?

Rick starts it off with a Jets joke. These jokes aren't funny when they come from a half-sports fan like Rick Reilly, who simply goes after low hanging fruit in the effort to get a cheap laugh.

8:03 -- The NFL has 23 players in the green room. Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o isn't one of them. He's in Hawaii and wants no cameras around. Maybe he'll have dinner somewhere. Perhaps he'll order the catfish?

Get it? Te'o got Catfished. This joke coming from the only guy who thought Lance Armstrong was innocent of using PEDs and defended Armstrong until the bitter end. So pot, meet kettle.

8:17 -- Weird note about Fisher: He gained 68 pounds in one year at Central Michigan, breaking a record set by JaMarcus Russell.

It's not weird because Fisher transitioned from a tight end to a left tackle. A weight gain was required. Now Rick includes a JaMarcus Russell joke in this sentence as well. The low hanging fruit just seems to get lower and lower.

Is this a sexy draft? No, this is not a sexy draft. It is John Madden in a lime-green peek-a-boo teddy.

(shakes head sadly that Rick Reilly gets paid to write this stuff)

No, actually, they trade their pick to Miami, which takes another player you've never heard of, outside linebacker Dion Jordan (Oregon),

No Rick, that's a player YOU have never heard of. I have heard of Dion Jordan, but you have not. You are the minority in this case. Jordan has never had a sad story to tell, so because Rick has no use for doing any actual sportswriting without a sad story to accompany an article he doesn't know who Dion Jordan is. Now if Dion Jordan's parents died in a car accident then Rick Reilly would know who Jordan is. That's the kind of sportswriter Rick is. It's not the sports he likes, but the stories around the sports...preferably Rick reports only the saccharine and overly-sentimental stories.

8:55 -- Best name in the draft goes to Cleveland -- defensive end Barkevious Mingo (LSU). 

I would criticize Rick for this unoriginal joke, but he probably believes he is the first person to ever comment on Mingo's name. It must be nice to go through life highly-paid for doing a job and still have your head up your ass about the job you are heavily-paid to perform.

Arizona takes guard Jonathan Cooper (North Carolina), the fourth player over 300 pounds in the first seven picks. Even his head is big. New Era Cap tweets that his hat is size 8 1/8, the largest so far. We are here to inform.

"We"? Rick works for New Era Cap?

9:03 -- Naturally, the Bills trade their pick because they have cable TV and realize there are nothing but clipboard holders in this draft.

And it turns out the Bills traded back in order to draft EJ Manuel, a quarterback. Good call, Rick. The Bills realize there are nothing but clipboard holders in the draft, which is why they immediately back and drafted one of those clipboard holders.

9:25 -- Alabama gets two in a row when the Tennessee Titans take yet another lineman, guard Chance Warmack. Possible headlines tomorrow in The (Nashville) Tennessean:

Titans Take a Chance

Titans Go To War-mack

Wow, That Was a Really Dull Draft
 
This was a really dull draft that Rick Reilly is writing an entire column about. It's a boring draft, but much more exciting than any of the original ideas Rick had for a column. So there's that. 

 9:36 -- The Raiders get defensive back D.J. Hayden (Houston), who's lucky to be alive after getting hit so hard in practice last year that a vein in his heart ripped open. Most people die from that.
Rick Reilly, M.D. 

If there were a television show called "Rick Reilly, M.D.," it would consist of Rick solving very obvious medical mysteries ("From what I see he was chopped in half by a helicopter blade. I feel like that may be what killed him.") and searching the hospital for the saddest story he could relay to the nurses in an effort to get laid. 

10:04 -- First quarterback is taken, but it's not poor, forlorn Geno Smith. It's EJ Manuel (Florida State), who goes to the Bills.
 
Hey! Remember that time the Bills traded out of the #8 spot because Rick states they knew there were only clipboard holders in this draft? I guess that's not true anymore?

10:10 -- Random thought: You know what you don't see much at the NFL draft? Dads.
 
I'll let Spencer take over for me here. He wrote it better in an email to me: 

While a pertinent observation that is an important point of discussion for Society in the 21st century, it has NO place in this column among shitty jokes, because itmakes it come off as an attempt at a shitty joke.  Really cements him as the douchiest deucher of all time, at least in the sports journalism world (which has a lot of douchers; like the SEC of douchdom).  It's almost as bad as when he wrote an entire column questioning CK's desire to have nothing to do with his birth parents because Reilly's adopted daughter met her birth parents and it was such a rewarding experience for Reilly.

Exactly. You would hope Rick would learn his lesson from when he took his values and immediately tried to force them on Kaepernick, while also seemingly standing in judgment for Kaepernick for not contacting his birth parents. Rick is better than everyone else, so he has never thought twice about how something that works for him and his family would not work for everyone else's family. 

10:20 -- The New York Giants need a linebacker -- Te'o, anyone? -- but instead they take another lineman,

It's clear that Rick knows the name of only two draft-eligible players. He knows Geno Smith and Manti Te'o. He is constantly discussing them and making wise cracks about them, most likely because he has no clue who any of the other draft-eligible players are.

10:39 -- Geno Smith returns from watching "Book of Mormon." Missed nothing.

See? He knows Geno Smith didn't get drafted in the first round so he includes jokes about Geno Smith's wait in the green room.

10:40 -- Here's what I don't get. Why isn't anybody taking the Honey Badger, the fabulous playmaking defensive back/punt returner Tyrann Mathieu (LSU)?

Here's what I don't get. What about 10 positive drug tests, getting kicked off the LSU team, and just generally seeming like a walking red flag doesn't Rick get? Punt returners don't get drafted in the first round and 5'9" cornerbacks don't generally get drafted in the first round. Hell, at LSU Mathieu played the nickel spot a lot of times. Most teams won't draft a nickel corner (and now Mathieu is being converted to safety) in the first round. That's a reality and the fact Rick doesn't get this reality tells me all I need to know about Rick Reilly. He's clueless.

This kid is going to be a monster in this league. Yeah, he's small, but so was Darrell Green, and he's in the Hall of Fame.

Darrell Green. Tyrann Mathieu. Two completely and utterly different players.

Yeah, they say he's trouble, but they said that about Dan Marino, too.

I must have missed the story about Dan Marino failing ten drug tests and getting kicked off the Pitt University football team. (Does a quick Google search) Yep, Marino never failed a drug test or got kicked off the team. So....................this comparison is just a crock of horseshit.

Plus, he's got something else none of the players taken so far have.

People have actually heard of him.

Meaning: Rick Reilly has heard of him. That makes three draft-eligible prospects Rick Reilly had heard of. We all know the best way to succeed in the NFL is to make sure a lot of people know you. Having a cute nickname and some good/bad press that gets your name out there always turns into an illustrious Hall of Fame career.

I'm running out of words to use while insulting Rick Reilly for his overall lack of knowledge. I'm going to have to rally.

11:15 -- With the 28th pick, Denver takes defensive tackle Sylvester Williams (North Carolina).

11:17 -- Cancel that Sylvester Williams pick for Denver. Fax didn't go through. 

This is a not funny AND completely inaccurate joke. NFL teams don't use faxes to turn their first round pick in. They write the player's name on a card and give the card to an NFL representative.

11:33 -- Rumor is the Vikings will trade three picks to the Patriots to get the 29th pick. The Vikings need a linebacker. Rumor is they've been talking to you know who.

Te'o? Te'o? Te'o? 

This is a typical ESPN column because Manti Te'o is mentioned constantly. I have to think Rick only watched Notre Dame football games this year so that when his column about how irrelevant the Fighting Irish had become ended up being true he could write a column about how smart he is. It didn't turn out that way obviously, but it did help Rick learn the name of not just one, not two, but three NFL draft prospects.

11:44 -- The Ravens, who lost middle linebacker Ray Lewis, and need a middle linebacker (did we mention Manti Te'o is a middle linebacker?)

The Ravens need a good middle linebacker, not the guy who we last saw cowering in fear as the Alabama offensive line ran all over him. Arthur Brown was also a middle linebacker and the Ravens smartly drafted him.

11:45 -- Overall in this first round, we went through a paltry five skill players, a massive 18 linemen of one kind or another, and six Advil.

Six Advil...sounds like what the normal person has to pop in order to make it all of the way through one of Rick's 500 word columns.

Midnight -- Somewhere, Manti Te'o weeps into his pupu platter. 

And now Rick is stealing "pupu platter" from Bill Simmons. Sure, he is using it in a completely different context, but it's not shameless enough of him to steal the idea of a draft diary from his ESPN co-worker, but now he is stealing certain phrases from Bill too?

I'm still not sure I completely blame Rick Reilly for his own suckitude. Being terrible comes naturally to Rick, and like a child, he is only going to do as much work as he is being asked to do. I blame ESPN for giving Rick another contract and forcing their ESPN.com audience to endure another few years of Reilly columns. Someday ESPN will pay the price for making bad personnel decisions that their audience does not seem to appreciate (Skip Bayless, Chris Berman, John Kruk), but for now they can afford to allow Rick Reilly to crank out terrible columns since there is no threat of competition.

I don't know how much Rick got paid in his new contract, but if it is more than minimum wage then he was paid too much.