MMQB Review: Peter is Now Writing Down the Phone Conversation a Stranger Has in an Airport

Peter King imagined the Raiders team with Colin Kaepernick as their quarterback last week, mourned the Raiders firing their PR guy, and encouraged fellow NFL writers to not focus on the unimportant things during the offseason. Then Peter proceeded to write about his visit to Carmen Policy's vineyard. This week Peter writes from Salisbury, NC (I wondered why all hotels in the area were touting their "fresh tasting coffee" this past weekend), informing us about an award he isn't worthy of receiving (except he just told us he was getting the award, so he sort of had to remind us he was getting the award for us to know he isn't worthy), and says Robert Griffin is a lock to play in Week 1. This pretty much means Kirk Cousins is the Redskins Week 1 starter, right? Oh, and Peter talks about how "we" use our phones too much nowadays. This coming from a guy who just a couple of months ago wouldn't get off his phone to give a cab driver accurate directions to an airport.

A few NFL points after a few days on the road:

More like nuggets of wisdom from the road. For example, what's up with all of those cars on the road during the weekend? Peter thought he was the only one in the world who had to travel this past weekend. Did you know if douse a rental car in gasoline, set it on fire, drive it off a cliff and then drive what is left of the car back to Hertz they expect you to pay for gas if you didn't fill the car up with gas before you brought it back?

Griffin had major knee surgery 21 weeks ago. Washington's opener is 13 weeks from tonight. After watching him run sprints around the practice field Thursday, I agree with what Griffin said post-practice: "Without a doubt'' he thinks he'll be practicing with the team when it begins training camp in Richmond in late July ... and, of course, that he'll be ready to go Sept. 9 against the Eagles.

Remember a couple of weeks ago when Peter said that all the news we get from an NFL team's training camp is positive and all the news can't be this positive? Peter is reporting WITHOUT A DOUBT Robert Griffin will be ready to play the Redskins opening game. So once again, the rules Peter himself sets don't pertain to Peter.

Here's what Griffin did Thursday: He sprinted without a limp the 53-yard width of the end zone. Then, at nearly full speed, he planted his twice-surgically repaired right knee and pivoted left, up the sideline of the practice field.

But did he do jumping jacks? We all know that's the real test on whether an NFL player is ready to play at full speed or not.

Tyrann Mathieu has impressed the Cardinals at safety. In OTA practices, players don't wear pads, and they're supposed to stay on their feet with minimal contact. When I watched the other day, Mathieu, working with the first unit for part of the practice, made a diving pass break-up of a Palmer throw and was buzzing around plays all through the workout. 

I'm not sure given Mathieu's drug issues in the past it is smart to characterize him as "buzzing" around plays all through the workout. I'm also not sure the big question regarding Mathieu is his ability to make plays on the field when there is minimal contact allowed. My question for him at safety is whether he is going to be able to stay disciplined enough and tackle well enough to start at the safety position. At LSU, Mathieu sort of free-lanced around the field at times and was given liberty to try and make plays. He has to be more disciplined at safety in the NFL or he will find himself out of position at times.

He's clearly at home on the practice field, pointing out coverages pre-snap and changing direction smoothly. "He reminds of Troy Polamalu with his closing speed,'' said Palmer. "He might not be the fastest guy out there, but he can change directions and get to the ball really fast, like Troy.''

And continuing with this comparison, Mathieu's biggest issue is going to be his instincts and how they can get him out of position at times on the field. Polamalu has had some issues with his free-lancing and Mathieu doesn't have nearly the experience at the safety position Polamalu had coming into the NFL.

Peter just hates it when reports from a team's training camp are all sunshine and roses. Now he's using quotes that compare Tyrann Mathieu to Troy Polamalu.

So far so good for the 69th pick in the draft, but June, obviously, isn't the time to make any judgments on rookies.

Well, obviously. When it comes to running around the field making minimal contact though, Mathieu looks great!

Think there's an SI cover jinx? What about a Bears draft pick jinx? The news that the Bears will trade 2011 first-round tackle Gabe Carimi to Tampa Bay for a sixth-round pick is just another brick in the wall of Chicago's recent disastrous high-draft experience on the offensive line. Not including this year's top pick (Kyle Long), and accounting for the fact that the Jay Cutler trade took away the first-rounders in 2009 and 2010 that may have been used on linemen,

How dare the Bears use first round picks to acquire Jay Cutler when they very easily could have used those picks to draft an offensive lineman that ends up not working out for them.

That's a six-pack of failure right there. Consider that the Bears' only first-round picks over a four-draft span (2008-'11) were Williams and Carimi, the Bears had to move them from tackle to guard to try to salvage their careers, then gave up on both. That's tough to recover from. And it's one reason there will be immense pressure on Kyle Long to be good, quickly.

One of the other reasons being that Kyle Long is a first round pick. There tends to be pressure on first round picks to be good, quickly anyway.

Remember the song "Why Can't We Be Friends?" It's by a group named War.

No, I don't remember War singing that song. I do remember Smashmouth singing "Why Can't We Be Friends?" and I always thought it was a silly question since the reason we can't be friends is because you have a shitty band that sings stupid songs about walking on the sun and being an all-star. No one likes you, that's why we can't be friends.

Finally, a note from inside the White House. "Where are your dreads?'' Barack Obama asked Torrey Smith at the White House the other day when the Ravens went to be recognized by the president. Smith, in fact, has cut his hair, and the leader of the free world is such a fan that he noticed.

This is very impressive, especially since Obama's main purpose as President is to recognize athletes no matter their current hairstyle.

What a happy birthday it is for me today (56, for those counting at home):

Humblebrag time everyone! This is the part where Peter shares information with us in an effort to appear modest, but it is clear he is just humblebragging.

It's Peter's birthday today and if there is anyone who knows Peter's birthday and is counting at home, then shame on you. If you aren't related to him, that's why we can't be friends. Nice way for Peter to slip in that it's his birthday. Real covert-like.

Oh, and you know that award Peter received from The National Sportscasters and Sportswriters Association? You don't? Well let Peter ever-so-modestly fill you in on it in an effort to pretend he is being humble when he is simply reminding us he gets awards and is a big deal. It's always interesting who the sportswriting profession considers to be the best in the field. Rick Reilly has won several national sportswriting awards. It's a lot like the Oscars, Grammys, and Emmy's. It appears no one asks the general public who they feel is the best at a certain profession in a given year. Who is the general public to know excellence when they see it though? We are just a bunch of mouth droolers who wouldn't know great sportswriting if it used a dental analogy in a 500 word article on why golf is such a great sport.

The National Sportscasters and Sportswriters Association is handing me the Sportswriter of the Year Award tonight. As you all know, I am not worthy,

Agreed that you aren't worthy, but yet you bring up this award to us when many of us would have no idea that you received this award unless it got mentioned in MMQB.

So the only reason Peter brought this award up was to tell us he doesn't think he is worthy of receiving the award. Sounds like a humblebrag to me.

but in the words of the great Bob Ryan: If they're going to give me such a nice award and say such nice things about me, who am I to turn it down? Who doesn't like being told how great they are?

Someone with some sense of modesty? A person who isn't impressed with their own achievements? Someone who doesn't specifically bring up that he won an award so he can say how unworthy he is of that award? Someone who is not you? A person who actually doesn't believe the great things that others say about him?

You just wrote my speech for tonight, Bob. Thanks. Looking forward to being with lots of good people from around the country. And thanks to NSSA guru Dave Goren for running such a great event.

You don't have to suck up to the NSSA anymore. You have won the award already. 

Do not get your father a tie this week. Get him a book.

Now for the Father's Day book section. I've been doing this for a few years, in part because we need to find more excuses to read in our lives, and in part because your father, brother, uncle and grandfather all told me last week they were dying for a good book for Father's Day.

Apparently Peter can talk to the dead. My grandfathers and father are dead and I don't have a brother. Thanks for reminding me though, Peter. Now my feelings are hurt.

Last year in this list I gave you The Art of Fielding, and before that Unbroken ... two of my favorite books ever. I don't have one I love as much this year, but I have several I like very much. I wouldn't put one on here that I wouldn't recommend to a good friend.

I have no friends either, so thanks for reminding me that I have no one to recommend these books to.

Sutton, by J.R. Moehringer (Hyperion).

Mike O'Hara told me to read this book, and when Mike tells me to do something, I just do it.

Dear Mike, I have some things I need Peter to do. Please contact me. 

The Racketeer, by John Grisham (Doubleday).

Oh, a John Grisham book. I didn't know it was 1996 again.

Usually, he's preaching about some form of the law, with the underpaid lawyer working to right one of The Man's serious wrongs. In this one, a disbarred and jailed lawyer is the protagonist, and the machinations that lead him to a new life and to run circles around the FBI to acquire that new life are told tightly. It's a page-turner.

So Grisham is basically combining parts of "The Client" and "The Firm." Okay, I'm done hating on John Grisham. I used to enjoy his books, then I realized in the late 1990's his books really weren't that good anymore, so I stopped reading them.

The National Forgotten League: Entertaining Stories and Observations from Pro Football's First Fifty Years, by Dan Daly (University of Nebraska Press).

We don't appreciate pro football history. We never have.

Yes, "we" don't Peter Bill King Simmons. "We" are just too infatuated with how the NFL is today and "we" don't care about the NFL's history.

You love pro football. You're still reading about it in June; you must love it.

No Peter, we are here to read about your personal thoughts on gun control, which award you are receiving this week and just how annoying it is to deal with the general public. Who reads MMQB to hear about football? No one does. We only care to read about Peter King's personal thoughts and which member of the general public annoyed him over the past week.

There's a hundred more where that one came from. You know how Daly finds such stories? He's curious.

He's curious, like a cat. That's why his friends call him "Whiskers."

Francona: The Red Sox Years, by Terry Francona and Dan Shaughnessy (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt).

EVERYONE SHOULD READ ABOUT THE GENIUS OF TITO FRANCONA AND HOW HE BROKEN THE BAMBINO'S CURSE! OUR MANAGER'S BOOKS ARE BETTER THAN YOUR MANAGER'S BOOKS!

For instance: I always felt Francona coddled the immature and disruptive (and, as this books shows, likely disturbed) Manny Ramirez, for instance. But Shaughnessy gives a clear picture of what happened with Ramirez, and how Francona constantly had to weigh what was best for the team winning games with keeping the team together. How do you deal with a player who, for instance, takes himself out of the lineup more than a few times, once complaining of vague knee pain, but when the team MRIs both knees not even a minor irritation shows up?

You say "that's just Manny being Manny" and then enjoy the fact he hits the shit out of the ball. Also notice how Peter seems to take Francona's version of events and it causes him to change his mind about the situation. Francona surely could be in the right, but his book is only his point of view on the events as they occurred.

Ramirez was a great talent. He knew he could get away with murder, and did. The ownership group had the attitude: Don't tell me how tough the pregnancy was, just tell me if you delivered the baby. And it was up to the manager to make it all work. 

Not to take away the uniqueness of this situation, but this is how ownership usually works. They hire the manager to make the team work. If a guy has talent like Manny had then ownership probably works harder to make sure the manager doesn't alienate this player.

"She is so smart. She is so good. I can sit there and watch those cases all day. I really could. It's fun to watch just somebody who does their job well. And I could watch Judge Judy do cases all day. I could watch people play football that do their job really well. People that direct traffic. I get a real kick out of watching people that are good at directing traffic do it. I've done it for hours, watched it. I like football the most. But Judge Judy's right up there.''

-- San Francisco coach Jim Harbaugh, who took his father to a taping of the syndicated Judge Judy TV show. They had lunch together. From the sound of it, he liked what he saw.

My only question: What about Wapner?

I don't know Raymond, what about Wapner? Wapner is on in 15 minutes...

Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week

Have you noticed we use our cell phones too much in this country?

Yes, this has been commented upon constantly by many people. It's been noticed.

This is one half of a conversation I heard (the first three or four comments are close but perhaps not exact quotes, because by the time I got my pen out to write it down, the man was about a minute into the conversation)

Wait, so Peter is now taking a pen out to write down a person's phone conversation? Peter thinks it is odd for people to be on the phone a lot, but it's perfectly fucking normal to write down a conversation he overhears. I want someone to follow Peter King around all day and write down every conversation he has and then start a blog detailing Peter's daily conversations. It could be called "Conversations with Peter King" or something even more exciting than that. Who the hell writes down a cell phone conversation?

"Hi! Just waitin' to board here. What are you doing?"
...
"Well, went to the Burger King. Got a burger, some fries ... Yeah, pretty good, okay, you know. A burger ... Now just sittin' here, people-watchin.' You know.
...
"A little warm in here, you know. Better than that oven out there!!! ... Yeah, checked in. Got 7A. Window seat ... Yep. Like those window seats, you know.
...
"No, no, not that crowded. Guess people flew early today. Hardly had any wait at security. Maybe five, 10 minutes.
...
"Yeah, got some M&Ms at the little shop. Bag of chips. It's like, four hours or so. Was thinkin' of gettin' a sandwich, but I think that burger will hold me. Not too hungry now. I can get something when we land ... Yeah, yeah ... Well, yeah, don't think so.
...
"Okay, what else you got goin'? ... Yeah? Any good? Yeah, always liked that show ... Nope. Just sittin' here. Yeah, not much else up.
...
"Yeah, it'll be past dark when we get there ... I don't know, just go to sleep I guess. Maybe watch some TV at the hotel. I'll see what's on ...
...
"They're millin' around. Looks like we're gonna board here ... Yeah, no, no, I ain't in any hurry. What else you got goin'?''

On it went, until the guy, about 55, had to hang up to board.

This seems like a normal conversation from one spouse to another or one family member to another. It's a boring, typical conversation that one person is having with another. I have conversations like this with my mother, who sometimes just likes to hear from me. Why is this even noteworthy? Stop paying attention to other people's conversations you freak.

I just wanted to yell: "THEY GOT NOTHIN' GOIN' ON! OR THEY WOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING BY NOW!''

It's fucking semi-private conversation. Someone should yell back at your fat ass, "STOP WRITING DOWN WHAT PEOPLE SAY IN PUBLIC AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE CONVERSATION THEN IGNORE IT!"

Who does this? Who not only writes down a phone conversation between two strangers but then has the audacity to actually get annoyed at the boring nature of the conversation? It's a simple fix. Mind your own business or think about what a great sportswriter you are. Why does Peter King get annoyed at people in public like this? If I saw him writing down my phone conversation I would walk up to him, grab his notepad,  shove his pen into his belly, and then not-so-politely tell him to mind his own business.

I don't know. Maybe it's nice to keep in touch when you're apart from someone you like. But these phones. They severely reduce silence and thought. Both of those things are still legal in America, I hear.

Not everyone has the ability to communicate with others through a national football column. Quit writing people's conversations down, you freak. Who cares if someone is having a boring conversation? Why should that matter to you in your life? Mind your own fucking business and worry about yourself as opposed to worrying about what everyone else is doing.

"Dear person in front of me on plane: If you move your seat back just a little more I could probably remove that molar for you.''

-- @JPosnanski, NBCSports.com national sports columnist Joe Posnanski.

Feel your pain, Joe. Feel your pain. Assuming that was USAirways.

The constant bitching about traveling. What a hard life these sportswriters lead. People dare to have phone conversations and people lean too far back in plane seats. I have an idea. Rather than needlessly bitch to the general public about this person, why not tap the person on the shoulder and politely ask them to move their seat up? That's right, Joe Posnanski doesn't have the balls to talk to the person about the problem they are causing him, so he Tweets about it. If you aren't going to have the guts to fix your problem and you have the capability to immediately fix your problem, don't bitch. Grow some balls or live with it.

Ten Things I Think I Think

I think that Peter King needs more things to do if he has time to write down a stranger's conversation at an airport.

1. I think we all have our opinions, and they're all fine, and I haven't given one about the NFL players' top 100 list because I don't think the players take it seriously, and so I don't value it at all. But I saw that ESPN just named Paul Brown the sixth-best coach of all time. To me, that's like naming Bill Russell the sixth-best basketball player of all time, 

Yeah, Bill Russell may very well be the sixth-best basketball player of all-time. I probably would rank him right around that spot.

3. I think I love how Kellen Winslow announced his upcoming tryout with the New York Jets. Did it on Twitter thusly: "J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!!!"

It's so creative, which I found odd. We all know Winslow is a soldier, but I thought creativity wasn't encouraged in soldiers like Winslow?

6. I think, and always have thought, that a team with a mobile or very smart quarterback and a good spread attack should just go for two after every touchdown, except when one point is needed late in a game.

I think saying words like "every" and using a blanket statement like this is NEVER a good idea.

The logic is simple.

Peter King thinks the logic he is using is simple. It's good to hear he doesn't confuse himself when using his own logic.

Say your team scores 40 touchdowns in a season. If you practice your top, say, five plays weekly during a short-yardage period (which all teams have on their weekly practice list), and you've got a smart quarterback who you trust to make good decisions, the likelihood is that you'll be able to convert from the two-yard line more than 50 percent of the time. 

Why is this 50% the likelihood? What sort of data is Peter using to confirm this is a correct figure? The answer: He's making it up.

I think teams should never go for a two-point conversion. If teams have a smart and mobile quarterback then they will only convert 25% of the time. There you go, I also created a number that supports my position.

Much more, in my opinion.

We did learn two weeks ago that Peter thinks a "factoid" is the same thing as him giving an opinion. It seems Peter does truly believe his opinion is fact.

Of those 40 touchdowns, let's say five are scored late, and a certain one point is more advantageous strategically than a risky two. Now we're down to 35 touchdowns. If you go for two every time, let's say you make 23. That's 46 points you'd score instead of 35.

I'm supposed to have a summer break from Gregg Easterbrook. You see the issue with this example, right? Peter is setting up a scenario, based entirely on speculation, which not-so-coincidentally helps to prove his point. He's making up situations and facts. My head hurts.

9. I think my guess is 2014 for the renewal of the Favre-Packers wedding vows.

I don't care, though I know Peter is salivating at the thought about being able to discuss Brett Favre again in MMQB. He's tried several times to shoehorn a Favre mention into MMQB, but the idea of real Favre-NFL content probably causes Peter to wet his pants.

10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:

c. Pete Abraham is the best. The Boston Globe Red Sox beat man is a great Twitter follow (@PeteAbe) and good nicknamer. Dustin Pedroia is "Scrappy McScraperson.''

Absolutely hilarious. I will immediately follow Abraham.

e. David Ortiz (413 homers) catches Mike Piazza on the all-time homer list with 14 more, Cal Ripken with 18, Carl Yastrzemski with 39.

Where does he catch Ronde Barber on that list? Barber is the Carl Yastrzemski of the NFL.

f. Looked up at one point Saturday and Josh Hamilton was batting .217 and Albert Pujols .241. Combined on-base percentage: .296.

g. For $15.5 million a year, free agent C.J. Wilson has given the Angels a 17-15 record since arriving at the beginning of the 2012 season.

Using wins and losses only to evaluate a pitcher is dumb. Perhaps Wilson is 17-15 partly because the Angels two best hitters aren't hitting well? Maybe?

h. Anaheim: Where free agents go to cash checks.

Now that's hilarious and rich coming from a Red Sox fan. All I hear from Red Sox writers (and Peter King) over the past year has been how much wasted money has been spent on free agents like Carl Crawford, J.D. Drew, John Lackey, and (though he was acquired through trade) Adrian Gonzalez.

o. I don't mean me, personally, because I don't talk much about the NBA. But why don't we as a sporting nation talk about Tony Parker more? Shouldn't we think of him more as a great basketball player than as the former Mr. Eva Longoria?

Sometimes we reach a point where a person's cluelessness doesn't even merit a response. This comment has helped us to reach that point.

p. Coffeenerdness: I know I'm tough on Amtrak coffee, because it is swill.

I know I'm tough on you because you come off as an entitled tool.

r. I am a week late with this, but happy Bar Mitzvah, Devon Schefter. Not sure if you thought this was as cool as the rest of the partiers did, but the video someone verrrrrry close to you put together just might be the best Bar Mitzvah advice video in the history of Judaism. Everyone from Peyton Manning to the energetic Harbaugh brothers to Adam Sandler with words of wisdom for young Devon. My favorite was Sandler's, seated alongside his young daughter in their car: "Everyone in the family thinks you're a man now. One thing I ask of you: Don't touch this kid. You leave her alone. Don't touch her when you get older or you get this.'' [Clenched fist gesture].

I thought instead of a clenched fist Adam Sandler was going to threaten to make "Grownups 3." That would threat enough for anyone to take Sandler's advice.

s. You go, Emily Kaplan! Good luck at the Globe this summer.

t. You too, Tess Quinlan! Good luck at Yahoo! in New York.

u. And you, Evan King ... a published writer! Congrats to you.

The same guy who gets annoyed at a person's semi-public conversation on the cell phone insists on congratulating people in MMQB. I guess Peter doesn't understand that while he doesn't want to hear one side of a conversation, his readers don't want to read one side of his conversation/congratulations either. Peter has never been overly self-aware.

w. We still haven't forgotten, and never, ever, ever will I stop being ticked off at the chicken politicians -- I'd say something worse, but this is a family website -- in this country who refuse to vote for common-sense gun responsibility. Please read that story and tell me that we, as citizens, should sit idle while the country does nothing to prevent future massacres. And current ones.

It's so annoying to Peter when his opinion isn't everyone else's opinion. No gun laws will prevent future massacres. So using the word "prevent" isn't very realistic, but Peter is too far into his lecture to us about gun responsibility to care whether the prevention he seems to believe can exist really can exist or not.

y. I'll be away from this space for the next four Mondays, and, as I've done for the last five years, I have replacements to write the column. They are: June 17, Former Saints safety Steve Gleason; June 24, Oakland punter Chris Kluwe; July 1, New Orleans cornerback Jabari Greer; and July 8, TBA. 

Of course Chris Kluwe is writing for Peter. Peter has already advocated for Kluwe to have an NFL punting job by cherry-picking statistics to make Kluwe look better, so Kluwe should pay him back by taking over MMQB for a week while Peter is on vacation. Friends have to look out for each other you know.

See you back here on July 15, when we'll be one week from debuting our new football-centric site, The MMQB.

Wait, that's the title of the new football-centric site? "The MMQB." Not a very inspired site name. Not to mention, if someone does a search for "MMQB" they may not find the site initially, but find backlogs of Peter's MMQB column.

The Adieu Haiku

RGIII looks good.
Saw him sprinting on Thursday.
Opener? A lock.

The good news about Peter taking a month off is that we don't have to read his horrendous haikus for a month.