MMQB Review: Peter is Still Transcribing Strangers' Cell Phone Conversations Edition

Two weeks ago Jabari Greer told us about the state of the New Orleans Saints locker room and also gave us a allegorical tale to think about all week. I learned in the comments that I sound like an "autistic fucking retard" when I talk about other teams in the NFC South. That was the sum total of comments I got on the post, which is always heartening. This week Peter King is back and he is talking about Johnny Manziel, talks about the lessons learned from the Aaron Hernandez situation (other than the obvious "don't kill someone" and "you can't ever predict what athlete will do in their free time" lessons of course), and he yet again writes down a person's telephone conversation word-for-word. To anyone in the world who may be near Peter King while talking on the phone, please either (a) stop talking when Peter starts to leer your way or (b) immediately threaten him with violence if he doesn't stop doing this people. This madness must be stopped. Writing down a stranger's cell phone conversation is about 1-2 steps away from peering in your neighbor's window for a few hours to see why there is always loud sounds coming from the living room. Basically, I think Peter is working his way up to being a peeping tom.

Good morning. Happy to be back after my annual summer break.

Is this as opposed to Peter's semi-annual summer break? Summer happens once a calendar year, so any summer break has to be annual.

The beginning of the training camp trip is five days away, in Oxnard, Calif., with the Cowboys. Always my favorite time of the year. Everybody's got hope, much of it legitimate, and the stories are new and fresh.

Lately a few of the stories are new and fresh, while a lot of times during training camp the stories are somewhat old and repetitive, such as "Will Brett Favre come out of retirement, which player is holding out or hasn't signed their franchise tag, etc." A lot of other stories are just continuing stories from the end of the last NFL season.

Then there's the new project, The MMQB, I'm heading up. That's the new NFL-centric website that'll go live starting next Monday morning.

Peter should really reconsider the title for the project. "The MMQB" isn't very catchy and I'm not sure an entire sports site should be named after the chief editor's (or whatever Peter will be) signature column. The main column and the site should not be named the same thing in my opinion.

First, the story about Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel, the Heisman winner, getting sent home from the Manning Passing Academy in Thibodaux, La., on Saturday. It's an NFL story, at least in part, because Manziel is likely to play one more season at Texas A&M, then declare for the NFL following his second season in college.

This is of course assuming Johnny Manziel has another great year at Texas A&M and would not need to come back to college for his junior year to increase his draft stock. So it is an NFL story because it involves the Heisman Trophy winner and the Manning Passing Academy. Still, I find it hard to believe it is "likely" Manziel will play one more season at Texas A&M since we haven't seen how Manziel will play during the upcoming college football season. It seems Manziel loves college and doesn't need money, so who is to say he is "likely" to leave Texas A&M after the upcoming season?

The campers arrive on Thursday, take the field Friday and Saturday, watch a throwing exhibition by the college and pro quarterbacks there Saturday night, then leave late Sunday morning. One of the draws is having some top quarterbacks come -- and not just the Mannings. Kids are excited to be in the presence of quarterbacks like Johnny Manziel, who was assigned to one group of between 12 to 16 young passers.

I don't know Johnny Manziel, but I know he is focused on his fame, partying and being seen as much as he is focused on being a quarterback. Maybe it just seems that way. My point is that it doesn't shock me Johnny Manziel went out partying Friday night and whoever was in charge of inviting him to be one of the camp quarterbacks probably should have taken his maturity into account prior to inviting him to be one of the camp quarterbacks.

Manziel was spotted at a bar in Thibodaux early Friday morning, and he was late for one of the Friday coaching sessions. No one's sure where he was Friday night, but he was a no-show for a two-hour session Saturday morning, and the staff had to cover for him.

There are no excuses for Manziel, but it's not like he hasn't shown anyone willing to follow him on Twitter or has paid attention to news about him on the Interwebs that he loves to go out and party. He needs to be more mature, but I won't ever take him seriously as an NFL prospect until he shows he is as focused on football as he is on being a celebrity. In fact, I feel like he enjoys being a celebrity more than he enjoys being a talented quarterback that led to his celebrity.

Home, 400 miles away in College Station, would seem to be a good place to get some rest Saturday night and recover from whatever ailed him. But two Twitter followers tweeted out information early Sunday morning that Manziel was at a bar in College Station, and one tweeted a photo of a white-t-shirted Manziel in a bar there.

This is an interesting story, but it also doesn't really tell us anything we don't already know. Manziel is talented, but he's not exactly serious about anything that doesn't involve partying. This makes him a normal college student.

On Sunday, Manziel's dad, Paul Manziel, texted Kate Hairopoulos of the Dallas Morning News that Johnny was "resting and recuperating from dehydration."

That's quite a tale.

It's not quite a tale, it's a lie. In 2013, "dehydration" is shorthand for "hungover" or "too tired to do anything productive because the person has been out partying for a couple of days in a row."

So why does this matter? Manziel is a tremendous multi-purpose talent as a quarterback. But his size (6-foot-0 and 195 pounds, approximately) and suspect arm strength will work against him when the NFL studies him.

Of course talent trumps all, always, so if Manziel has another great year at Texas A&M an NFL team will take a chance on Manziel at some point whenever he declares for the NFL Draft.

You remember how Ryan Leaf became such a shaky pick after Peyton Manning in the 1998 draft. Leaf's immaturity and drinking doomed his NFL career.

Leaf even "looked" like an NFL quarterback stereotypically should look, while Manziel is undersized for the position. Maybe Leaf was drafted higher than he should have been because he had all the measurables, but Manziel is going to have to convince NFL GM's he can withstand an NFL pass rush and is big enough to play the position...as well as try not to show up to the Combine or individual workouts drunk or hungover.

If Manziel doesn't want to make his stock plummet, he'd better start partying a little more carefully, and with some hydration.

Or he could party, but still focus a little bit more on playing quarterback and focus a little bit less on making sure his celebrity status helps his social life. He's a college kid though and he doesn't seem to love football as much as he loves what football has brought him in terms of status.

The lessons of Aaron Hernandez.

There are so many. But I'll write about three of them.

One of the lessons is "learn to predict the future" and I'm not sure that's a lesson we can blame the Patriots for not knowing how to succeed in learning.

2. Since Scott Pioli left the organization in 2009, Belichick doesn't have anyone to argue him off troubled players. Not that Pioli won all the time. "But,'' someone with knowledge of the Patriots front office told me,

This "someone with knowledge"? Scott Pioli, probably. We know he and Peter are close. Not Brett Favre and Peter King-close, but pretty close to where they would share a milkshake using one straw and not be embarrassed by it.

"there's no one there with Scott's balls anymore. Bill needs someone to challenge him, and I don't think he has that now."

(Scott Pioli) "Peter, be sure to write something about me having "the balls" to challenge Belichick. Make me sound tough."

(Peter King) "Will do boss!" 

Would Pioli have challenged Belichick on Hernandez, or on Alfonzo Dennard, the seventh-round corner who will have to leave camp in August to go to a probation trial in Nebraska and who last week was arrested for DUI? I don't know, and there's no guarantee those picks wouldn't have been made anyway. But this isn't the first time I've heard the Pioli thing.

Does Peter share an agent with Scott Pioli? I'm just wondering because Peter has talked about Pioli a couple of times in MMQB in a positive light, so I'm just assuming Marvin Demoff ordered Peter to help Pioli find another GM gig.

It's not like Scott "Mr. Tough Guy" Pioli who has the balls to challenge Bill Belichick hasn't made his own personnel errors. When he was the GM of the Chiefs he did employ Jovan Belcher who killed his girlfriend and then himself. So in terms of finding guys who need to challenge Bill Belichick to keep troubled players off the roster, I'm not sure Pioli is the best example to use.

You hate to think morbid thoughts like this, but really: With how wasted Russell and Heckert, both team executives, were when driving-while-impaired, it's very fortunate someone wasn't killed.

That's not a morbid though, that's the exact reason that drunk driving is illegal. The reason drunk driving is illegal is because anytime someone gets behind the wheel drunk it is fortunate that someone isn't killed. To acknowledge this isn't morbid.

But the league is noted for giving first-strike (but serious) offenders a path back to their jobs, if they mend their ways and do just what they're supposed to do. That's why firings aren't likely. Rehab and a serious smack on the wrist -- for both men -- are more likely.

Who needs a front office to help make decisions during and immediately after Training Camp, right? I know John Elway certainly doesn't.

Then Peter goes on to talk about Matthew Berry's new book about fantasy sports. After having a month off I sort of hoped there would be more NFL-oriented content in MMQB rather than the usual filler stuff that populates the column.

Stat of the Week

There's been much discussion about the spate of offseason arrests in the NFL, highlighted by the Aaron Hernandez murder charge, of course. And, of course, one arrest is too many. But it's probably unrealistic to think that men with more money, on average, than the general public wouldn't get into some trouble, regardless how much preaching the league does about it.

I think the main issue some people have with professional athletes getting arrested is there is an assumption that having more money means a person would have less need to act like a fool and get arrested. It's a incorrect notion of course.

The question is, is the NFL's rate of arrest much higher than the general public's?

So let's use the larger number, and to be mathematically fair, let's use a one-year period: July 15, 2012 to July 14, 2013, which was Sunday. By my count, there have been 55 arrests of NFL players in that year.

Number of arrests of NFL players in the last year: 55.

Estimated number of players currently under contract in NFL: 2,880.

Percentage of players arrested in the last year: 1.9 percent.

Now for the general population. Look at the last year the FBI has complete stats for, 2010.

Number of arrests of American adults: 11,479,500.

Estimate number of American adults living in 2010: 235,205,700.

Percentage of American adults arrested in 2010: 4.9 percent.

My point is, we know the arrests are an ugly part of football the league and the Players Association need to constantly work to reduce. But it's not so easy to simply say, "Too many players are getting arrested." Compared to what, exactly?

I think the fact NFL players who get arrested are much more high profile than the average person gets arrested is what causes the perception that NFL players are in trouble more than most.

Also, I love the second-to-last and last sentence Peter just wrote. He said:

But it's not so easy to simply say, "Too many players are getting arrested." Compared to what, exactly?

I don't know Peter, why don't you ask yourself why you used a very close approximation to this phrase in this very MMQB:

There's been much discussion about the spate of offseason arrests in the NFL, highlighted by the Aaron Hernandez murder charge, of course. And, of course, one arrest is too many. 

Compared to what, exactly, Peter?! One arrest is too many compared to what? As always, do as Peter says, not as he does.

Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week

Ten Favorite Things of My Summer Vacation:

This is the part of MMQB where Peter brags about all the cool things he got to do on his annual summer vacation (again, not to be confused with his quarterly summer vacation). The only thing less interesting than seeing pictures of someone's vacation is hearing someone talk about their vacation, but the only thing less interesting than hearing about someone's vacation is to read about their vacation.

1.Experiencing Vancouver with my family. Some of you -- yes, you especially, Donny Brasco -- have knocked me over the years for hyperbole. But I found Vancouver, on my first extended trip there, to be the most underrated city in North America.

It's also a good place to shoot movies because it isn't as crowded or as expensive as other cities.

3.Catching a fish at Pike Place Market in Seattle. No. I mean, really catching a fish.

Thanks for clearing that up.

We bought a 12-pound Copper River salmon as a gift for some friends, and the guy there asked if I'd want to catch it as he threw it from where the fish were iced to where they got cut up for delivery. "Of course!'' I said. So I went behind the counter and he threw the slippery guy, and I caught it, letting it thump off my hands and slide into my chest. Then I held it up triumphantly.

It's the little things that please Peter. Then Peter lurked around the market for a few hours to see what kind of cell phone conversations he could hear and then transcribe into a notebook. I'm kidding of course. Peter would never hang out at a market in Seattle and listen to other people's conversations. That would be crazy to try and eavesdrop in a crowded market. It was in Massachusetts on a train when Peter dropped in on a cell phone conversation and transcribed it for everyone who reads MMQB to (not) enjoy.

8.Four Sunday nights without MMQB responsibility. The column's a labor of love, folks. You know that. But watching junk-food TV, reading Inferno by Dan Brown, napping in the chair or going to see a play (we did score seats to Lucky Guy one night, the play with Tom Hanks in it), and not obsessing about Aaron Hernandez or Matthew Stafford's contract and thinking of an angle is a very good and relaxing thing.

Understandable, but Peter does realize he can include NFL-only related content in MMQB and cut the column by half doesn't he? Most of the stuff in MMQB are quotes, Tweets, and things that Peter thinks which generally aren't entirely NFL-related. So he could make his life easier in writing MMQB by talking about the NFL-only and not worrying about stretching the column out to a certain length.

10. Seeing the Red Sox sweep a waterlogged twinbill at Fenway Park over the Rays. That three-hour rain delay sure was fun. The train trip back and forth on the Acela is always good. Except on the ride back, we had the displeasure of sitting across the aisle from two Manhattan realtors, husband and wife, who spoke at normal conversational volume for 3.5 solid hours into their iPhone 5 headsets and drove most of the rest of the car out of its mind.

Here is the part of MMQB where Peter strikes back at those who talk on a cell phone in public. I have no issue with Peter being annoyed by someone talking on their phone in public, but listening to the entire conversation and transcribing it as opposed to ignoring it seems like a really weirdo thing to do. Plus, wouldn't writing down the conversation and listening to the entire thing be something a person not annoyed by that conversation would do? Isn't ignoring the conversation, or trying to, the logical and normal thing to do if you don't like the conversation that is taking place?

I wrote this down, as close to word-for-word as I could, somewhere between New London and New Haven hugging the Connecticut coastline:

Writing down these conversations and posting them in MMQB isn't getting back at these people, it only tells us that Peter King is a really creepy guy. After all, who writes down a stranger's conversation and then relays it to other complete strangers?

I'm not sure if Peter is familiar with the realty industry or what being a realtor entails, but a lot of being a realtor involves having to negotiate and use the cell phone to contact potential buyers and sellers with asking prices and other pertinent information. Much of this information is time sensitive, as a realtor couldn't simply sit on an offer being made by his/her client because another offer could come in and be accepted in that time. So while public cell phone conversations are annoying, Peter should understand these realtors couldn't necessarily just sit on the train and not contact the buyer/seller they are trying to contact.

I won't force you all to read through the transcription of this conversation had by the two real estate agents, but suffice to say, it sounded like a lot of negotiation by phone.

Jewelried woman: "Sorry, you still there? Connection's not great. Sorry ... I'm going to repeat: I am about to lose my patience. You don't have the answers for me. You know what that property is worth, and I know what it is worth. You can't BS me ... So should I go through those files? Should I allocate those numbers elsewhere? ... You think it's not necessary ...''

Suited slim man, thinking he can be heard through a bad connection if he screams: "On a TRAIN. YES. SORRY! ... YOU GOT ME? YOU GOT ME?'' ...

Frustrated hangup. RINGGGGGGG.

Suited slim man: "Sorry, you know, the connection. I am ON A TRAIN!''

Jewelried woman: "Call you then, okay. Bye.''

Suited slim man: "We have to do a credit check. Yes, Brad has all that ... No, it's not your decision or my decision. It's the government ... I would love it. I would SO love it. You have no idea how much I'd love it ... Oh, you do?''

Jewelried woman: "I got that in play. Correct ... We're moving forward in good faith.''

Again, I do find people who talk on the phone in public to be annoying, but these are two realtors whose entire job is to ensure a real estate deal is made and it appears both individuals had urgent matters they needed to discuss. You can't tell me if something important happened in the NFL that Peter King wouldn't be on his cell phone talking about it on the Acela. Anyone who has bought a home knows once an offer is made and there are multiple offers on the table, time becomes somewhat of the essence. Since Peter was so kind to be a creepy stalker and transcribe the conversation it is easy to read that it seems like two urgent deals were being made. Why does Peter have to transcribe the conversation though? Be less weird.

Not even to Bridgeport yet. How did we survive?

Ignore them.

"All them jurors should go home tonight and kill themselves for letting a grown man get away with killing a kid"

-- @roddywhiteTV, Atlanta wideout Roddy White, after George Zimmerman was acquitted of all charges in the death of teen Trayvon Martin in Florida Saturday night.

"I understand my tweet last nite was extreme. I never meant for the people to do that. I was shocked and upset about the verdict. I am sorry.''

-- @roddywhiteTV, 12 hours later.

Everyone just be sure not to shock or upset Roddy White at any point or else he will urge you to go kill yourself. So no surprising him by jumping from around a corner while he is walking on the street. Otherwise, suicide will be your best option.

"Aaron Hernandez's lawyers just filed a motion to have his trial moved to Sanford, Florida.''
-- @HubbuchNYP, Bart Hubbuch of the New York Post.

The Zimmerman trial was in Sanford.

Yeah Peter, we got it. If you explain the joke...

Ten Things I Think I Think

Because, again, the rest of this column was filled with NFL factoids like Peter's 10 favorite items about his vacation, Tweets about the George Zimmerman trial, and a transcript of a conversation two strangers had on a train. So with all those NFL facts, it's about time Peter told us what he thought. 

2. I think we report on the money too much. Sometimes, as with Flacco, it's a significant story. Other times, no one cares. The only time someone cares is when, as in the case of Wes Welker, it means he won't return to play for the Patriots. That's big. But whether a guy makes $3.6 million or $4.9 million only matters if it affects what happens to a team's cap.

But often times those stories about a player's contract directly affects a team's cap, so that's why the story gets reported. I get what Peter wants to say, though I do find it funny that Peter is commenting on over-reporting of NFL news while also starting an NFL website in less than a week, but many times a player's contract is reported in terms of his cap number and how it affects a team's cap space.

4. I think when I read the 30 or so headlines over three or four days about Colin Kaepernick wearing a Dolphins cap, I thought: "The football media needs a longer vacation." Is it a good idea to wear another NFL team's cap? No -- marginally. But it might be cause for the mildest rebuke in media history, not cause for long columns to be written.

Of course Peter is starting an NFL-centric website next week, but he feels the need to even mildly rebuke other writers for headlines about Colin Kaepernick's hat. As always, do as Peter says, not as he does. He doesn't think there needs to be long columns written on Kaepernick's choice in hats, but I would bet if MMQB (the site) were up now then there would be a column about the hat. It's hard to understand Peter talking about football media needing a longer vacation and knowing a week later he will start an NFL-centric site.

5. I think $10.5 million a year sounds about right for top-three left tackle Ryan Clady.

Peter King just a few lines earlier in this MMQB:

2. I think we report on the money too much...But whether a guy makes $3.6 million or $4.9 million only matters if it affects what happens to a team's cap.

There is no report from Peter how the $10.5 million affects the Broncos cap space either. Peter does this consistently. He chides others for doing something Peter himself does. Why comment "we" report on money too much and state money only matters if it affects what happens to a team's cap, THEN write down how much a certain player re-signed for while not addressing how it affected the team's cap? Take your own advice, Peter.

7. I think I agree with Mike Florio on this one: I may not agree with Donovan McNabb saying the Matthew Stafford contract is a bad one, but I appreciate the fact that he has the stones to rip the establishment and to say Stafford hasn't earned his new big dough -- something too few former players and coaches do.

Considering Stafford has had one really good, injury-free season I am a little shocked the Lions re-signed him with three years left on his contract. I like Stafford, but if you look at his numbers they are impressive in terms of yardage he has thrown for, but he has started 44 of 64 possible games in his career and didn't show great improvement from 2011 to 2012.

10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:

b. Isn't the All-Star Break supposed to be the halfway point of the season? Or reasonably close? Boston's season is three-fifths done: 97 down, 65 to play.

No, the All-Star Break isn't necessarily supposed to be the halfway point of the season. It's supposed to be an exhibition game that takes place in the middle of the MLB season, but I don't think it has to be at the halfway point. It's supposed to break up the two halves of the MLB season, but these "halves" aren't necessarily real halves and what does it even matter?

d. Love watching Yasiel Puig.

You would.

f. I hope I'm wrong, for the sake of the fine people of Houston. But after being the most tangential NBA fan in America for the last couple of years, I would not want to hitch my wagon to Dwight Howard. Not for a third of what the Rockets paid him.

You are an idiot if you wouldn't take Dwight Howard for a third of what the Rockets paid him. I always enjoy how Peter always discounts his opinion about the NBA prior to giving an opinion on the NBA. Give an opinion, that's fine, but don't keep saying how your opinion doesn't mean anything when it is obvious you think your opinion does mean something.

h. Not a big golf watcher, truth be told. But I watched some over the break, and I really need to figure one thing out:What is it with screaming "GET IN THE HOOOOOLLLLE!!!!!'' after every tee shot? It was cute when Bill Murray did it, dweebs. It's dweebish when you do it on every tee shot.

Don't like it, don't watch golf. I'm annoyed by Chris Berman and don't watch anything he is the announcer for on ESPN. There is a thing called a "remote control" where you can mute the television.

i. If you don't think I'm telling the truth, ask the annoyed-looking person next to you at the next PGA event you attend.

Or just transcribe their phone conversation complaining about this happening and then publish this phone conversation in a national NFL column.

m. Beernerdness: Five good ones from my vacation ... 1: Manny's Pale Ale (Georgetown Brewing, Seattle). Just one of my all-time faves. So flavorful. 2: Hoppyum IPA (Foothills Brewing, Winston-Salem, N.C.) Very pleasant surprise.

Who knew the South had alcohol that wasn't just moonshine? Ugh, Peter and I have something in common. I will have to pour all of my Hoppyum IPA down the sink now.

n. Wish I could review the first episode of The Newsroom, but I didn't quite finish this in time to watch last night. Next week I'll have some thoughts ...

Please don't.

next week, when the next column is the first thing you'll read on our new site, The MMQB.

I still don't like the name of the site, but no one asked me. It just seems like naming the site the same thing Peter names his Monday column is uninspired.

The Adieu Haiku

Getting nervous. Why?
The MMQB cometh.
New site. Next Monday.

I'm hoping the Adieu Haiku doesn't come with MMQB to the new The MMQB site. My hopes will probably be dashed though.