MMQB Review: The Bengals Should Just Start Over Completely Edition

Last week in MMQB Peter King called for the public shaming of the NFL officials who didn't call a penalty on the Chargers which would have given the Chiefs another chance at a game-winning field goal. This missed field goal allowed the Chargers to make the playoffs over the Steelers, which resulted in Peter King acting as if this one missed call is the only reason the Steelers didn't make the playoffs. Peter also was annoyed by people who took pictures at the Apple store in New York. Of course, nearly everything people do in public annoys Peter, so that's nothing new. This week Peter talks about the scintillating weekend of playoff football (except for the Bengals), talks about the great playoff performances by the quarterbacks (except Andy Dalton), and Peter name-drops to a passenger that he was talking to Dan Fouts (and not an ex-member of the Bengals).

Oh, and by the way, this week's overreaction to what happened during the previous weekend of NFL action is all related to the Bengals if you couldn't tell already. Andy Dalton is a bum and the Bengals aren't sure he's the guy to lead the franchise into the future. It's like what we've seen all year from Peter. A player is great until the team starts losing and vice versa. As I wrote in my preview of the Chargers-Bengals game, it's not like Andy Dalton just started throwing interceptions. He's been pretty inconsistent for a good portion of this season and even his career.

Seven teams playing scintillating playoff football (some even dabbled with defense), and then Cincinnati. You know, the same old Bengals. Isn’t that what the weekend felt like?

Not really. Unless Peter has trouble remembering the same old Bengals. The same old Bengals would have given up 40 points and not scored at all. The "same old Bengals" means the game would not have even been competitive. Cincinnati was leading at halftime.

But what an Akili Smith-sized egg the Bengals laid, and the resurgent Chargers were only too happy to take the win they overwhelmingly deserved.

If there is one takeaway from this past weekend, Peter wants it to be the Bengals played terribly and Andy Dalton is a bum. It's like Peter hasn't seen Dalton in the playoffs before and hasn't watched any of the regular season games where Dalton hasn't been very good. I count five regular season games this season. Dalton threw four interceptions just a week ago. Him having a bad game isn't completely unforeseen, but as always, Peter doesn't seem to notice until the Bengals get a negative result. Dalton was 14-23 for 190 yards with a touchdown and interception in the first game against the Chargers.

Which of these things doesn’t belong:
 
a. 45-44, with a team winning after trailing 38-10.
 
b. 26-24, on a field goal at the gun by a kicker who was unemployed three weeks ago.
 
c. 27-10. Drama-free.
 
d. 23-20, in minus-14 wind chill, on a field goal at the gun by a 15-year NFL kicker who’d never won a playoff game.

Man, Peter is going all-in on the Bengals today. Here's more salt on the wound.

Not to break any hearts in the Queen City, and not to set an NFL record for overreaction, but a snapshot of the 2011 and 2012 drafts show how sick Bengaldom must be today.

Overall Pick	Player, Pos., School	Status
2011
35. Cincinnati	Andy Dalton, QB, TCU	0-3 in the playoffs. Not exactly a fan favorite today.
36. San Francisco	Colin Kaepernick, QB, Nevada	3-1 in the playoffs. Pretty darn good.
2012
53. Cincinnati	Devon Still, DL, Penn State	289 mostly futile snaps in two years.
75. Seattle	Russell Wilson, QB, Wisconsin	The second coming of Drew Brees, perhaps.

I think we should hold off on the "Russell Wilson is the second coming of Drew Brees" talk. Let's let the guy beat Drew Brees next week, play at a high level for another decade, win a Super Bowl and then maybe this conversation can be had.

The Bengals have to be despondent this morning. They should be. They’re not sure if their 4,000-yard quarterback is the future of the franchise.

I've always thought Dalton got a little too much credit, but I think it's a bit of an overreaction to wonder if he is the future of the franchise. The Bengals have made the playoffs three years in a row with Dalton as the quarterback. He's been bad in the playoffs, but he's not exactly a bum.

So much to talk about after one of the great playoff weekends in memory, and let’s not be all Debbie Downer about it.

"Let's" is a contraction for "Let us" and "us" aren't being a Debbie Downer, Peter. You are the one writing the column, not us.

The divisional round schedule:

Saturday, 4:35 p.m. ET: New Orleans (No. 6, 12-5) at Seattle (No. 1, 13-3). They met five weeks ago tonight, at CenturyLink Field, and the Seahawks embarrassed the Saints 34-7. Seattle’s shown signs of mortality since.

Seattle lost at home once to the Cardinals and lost on the road to the 49ers over the past five weeks. They were mortal before that time, regardless of what Peter wants his readers to believe.

First thoughts after a thrilling weekend of football (and don’t take my word for it; 30.8 million people watched Saturday’s twinbill, up 15 percent over last year):

Every game’s a revenge game now for the Niners. They’ve played four of the seven other teams in the playoffs and lost to all four—Seattle, Indy, Carolina and New Orleans. But they’re playing better now, winners of seven straight, and Colin Kaepernick has two trustworthy things he didn’t have in midseason: his own legs (he’s running with more confidence now) 

Thanks for clearing that up Peter, because I really thought Kaepernick was using someone else's legs to run earlier in the year because I'm just one of your stupid readers who doesn't have the IQ to match wits with you.

and Michael Crabtree.

Of course the 49ers are favored on the road against a team that beat them earlier in the year, but if revenge is what gets them motivated then more power to them. Seems Vegas thinks the 49ers are the better team.

Cam Jordan’s quick pressure could be the key for New Orleans in Seattle. Russell Wilson had tons of time the last time they played, and the emotion of the night will be hard to duplicate, even in a playoff game. Jordan was in Nick Foles’ grill consistently Saturday night.

Jordan was all up in Foles' grill. For real no doubt, yo. (Peter turns on some LL Cool J because he thinks that is relevant hip-hop music)

Andrew Luck is so rare, so precocious and so able to put the past behind.

He's so precocious. So precocious. Andrew Luck is like a two year old child who needs a good smack on the ass when he's bad and a good tickle around his belly he's good. So precocious. Like a child. It's so precocious to play shitty in the first half and then play well in the second half. What a great way to display characteristics of someone who is older than Luck truly is. No 24 year old man should even be starting a playoff game in the NFL (has it ever been done before?), much less winning a home playoff game. So precocious. Peter's got a playground he has to go hang out at for a few hours now so he can stare at the children to determine which one reminds him the most of Andrew Luck.

It’s highly doubtful next weekend can match the one we just had, even with the stinker in Cincinnati. But for different reasons, I love every one of these games.

And they love you Peter! They love you because you are so fucking precocious in your love for the NFL. Comparing adult men to children is in no way creepy at all, so don't worry about that.

We’ve learned one thing about the future of the Colts while the 35-year-old Wayne recuperates from midseason ACL surgery: When the day comes that Wayne can’t play anymore—at least at a high level—Hilton could morph into Andrew Luck’s No. 1 receiver long-term.

Yeah, it certainly sounds like Hilton is already there or will be there next year. But sure, maybe one day in the future this will happen.

Hilton, at 5-9 and 183, doesn’t have the size NFL teams today want in a franchise receiver, and he’ll have to prove that a smaller guy can take the beating over time that top guys do.

And since no other wide receivers that are Hilton's size have played in the NFL and been a franchise receiver then Hilton will be the first 5'9" (or close to that height) wide receiver to prove he can be a franchise receiver. Just as long as Peter doesn't include Steve Smith, Randall Cobb, Wes Welker or DeSean Jackson in this discussion. They don't count right now.

Just before the Colts took over at their 20 to try to complete the comeback from 28 points down, coach Chuck Pagano had seen enough of the battered Chiefs’ secondary to say to Hilton: “T.Y., go win the game.” He’d not said that to Hilton before, and Hilton loved what he heard.

This is some third-grade sounding writing.

"The coach told the Bobby to catch the ball to win the game. Bobby liked that his coach liked him and had never heard his coach say this. Bobby won the game for his team. Bobby wants to know why that scary man named Peter shows up to every game to stare at him."

Luck sent three receivers—Rogers, Hilton and tight end Coby Fleener—in a close bunch to the left, with Hilton in the middle, and before he got too far out of earshot, Hilton heard this from Luck: “Run. Just run.”

Apparently Andrew Luck thinks Hilton is Forrest Gump. "Run T.Y. Run!"

“I got to the line and saw 39 [safety Husain Abdullah] across from me, and I thought, ‘We’ve got to take advantage of this,’ ” said Hilton. The speed matchup, he meant. “[Brandon] Flowers was out for them and so was [Dunta] Robinson, so I knew they were running out of corners.”

Justin Houston was also out of the game, as was Jamaal Charles. Not that the players the Chiefs were missing should ever be mentioned at any point when drooling over the Colts comeback. It's irrelevant obviously.

T.Y. became a dad in high school and had several schools competing for him to come play wide receiver. The night before he decided where to go, he put two caps—West Virginia’s and the hometown Florida International’s—in front of his infant son. He said he son put his hand on the FIU cap six straight times.

Even an infant knows he doesn't want to live in West Virginia for any long period of time.

The Pats had better find someone to cover Hilton (Aqib Talib, physically, perhaps) because Luck’s going to him a lot.

It might be better to cover Hilton physically rather than just trying to cover him mentally.

“What Peyton did for my career—and what everyone in Denver did, John Fox and John Elway and Pat Bowlen and the players, I owe them everything. I’m here today because of those people,” McCoy said.

“Here” is the NFL’s Final Eight, hugging just-had-to-be-there Chargers fan Phil Mickelson and his family

Because no mention of Phil Mickelson would be complete without a mention of Mickelson's family. Phil Mickelson is the only active PGA Tour golfer who has a family and doesn't hate his family. All other golfers must hate their family or not have a family since so much is always made of Mickelson even missing a school play to participate in a golf tournament.

So McCoy clearly know the routes Manning likes and the plays he wants to run. But this will be a classic spy versus spy scenario. Manning knows McCoy knows, and so Manning’s going to take McCoy’s knowledge and try to counter how he thinks McCoy will play him. And so forth.

But does Mike McCoy do Papa John's commercials? Advantage Peyton Manning.

I know exactly why Jim Harbaugh set a personal record for post-game giddiness Sunday in Green Bay. When he finished his post-game press conference, he hugged one veteran beat man, Matt Maiocco of CSN Bay Area and said, “I love you, Matt!” And he kissed another one, Matt Barrows of the Sacramento Bee, on the top of the head and said, “I love you too, Matt!”

Then Harbaugh stands outside the building of other newspapers to search for another beat writer to cover the 49ers in place of these two beat writers and then later claims he didn't have an interest in finding other beat writers to cover the 49ers and is very comfortable with the beat writers the 49ers have. Later in the season Harbaugh will replace these beat writers with a younger, more exciting beat writer and no one points out Harbaugh lied.

This is the offense San Francisco will need if it’s to win at Carolina, with Kaepernick posing a dual threat and Gore pushing the pile. Funny thing: Carolina’s convinced it has the same thing, a quarterback who can beat you running or passing, and a couple of physical backs.

Oh my God, both teams have a quarterback who can run with the football! They are pretty much the same team. Peter King thinks this is the game where Cam Newton has to justify his selection as the #1 overall pick in 2011. If he fails, he may as well just kill himself.

Then Peter kills space by allowing a Packers fan to relate what it was like to attend the game on Sunday. It's interesting and all, but one of the many parts of MMQB that I find would be better served to have it's own column away from MMQB. MMQB is supposed to be a recap and inside dish on what happened during the past week's NFL games, but it has slowly become bloated to where Peter King doesn't even write portions of the column.
 
Fine Fifteen

It's fairly pointless to do a power ranking once the playoffs have started, but considering the Tweet of the Week, Quote of the Week, Travel Note of the Week and what Peter thinks he thinks also seem pointless on a weekly basis, I'm not surprised Peter doesn't stop doing the power rankings. Have to make MMQB seem longer.

3. Denver (13-3). The NFL didn’t have enough drama this year. To reach the Super Bowl, Peyton Manning will have to beat his old offensive coordinator (Mike McCoy) and either Tom Brady or his successor in Indy, Andrew Luck.

Peter is all about the drama and making the NFL seem like it has Hollywood endings. It's very precocious of him to be such a drama queen about these things.

6. New Orleans (12-5). Tremendous second half by Drew Brees. Now I’m thinking the long shot in Seattle isn’t such a long shot after all, especially with the Seahawks looking pretty mortal on offense since wiping out the Saints in December.

The reason the Seahawks look so mortal to Peter now is because he had them as being immortal for the majority of the season. The Seahawks only seem mortal because Peter seemed to have higher expectations for the Seahawks than he probably should have had.

7. Indianapolis (12-5). Andrew Luck laughs at big deficits.

Peter King wrote this earlier in the year about the Colts getting behind in games. It contained quotes like these relating to the Colts getting behind early and having to come back to win games. The Colts had just gotten beaten 40-11 by the Cardinals.

Indianapolis is a shell of the team it was in September.

He’s doing so with so many of his important players gone for the season—guard Donald Thomas (the best offensive lineman on the team), wideout Reggie Wayne, tight end Dwayne Allen—that you wonder if Indianapolis will be able to hold off the flawed Titans and rebound for the playoffs.

Sunday was the seventh straight game the Colts have trailed in the first half. Two of the last three have been downright embarrassing.

Andrew Luck laughs at big deficits, but Peter King doesn't worry about the Colts getting behind early as long as they eventually win the game. If the Colts can't come back and win the game, then they are a shell of what the team used to be.

9. Kansas City (11-6). I realize a pair of key members of the secondary were gone down the stretch, but the lack of a rush on Andrew Luck and any defensive cohesion in the second half was galling.

It doesn't help when one of the Chiefs best pass rushers goes down in the fourth quarter and the "key members" of the Chiefs secondary is their two starting cornerbacks.

10. Green Bay (8-8-1). The Packers need reinforcements; Bryan Bulaga, Casey Hayward and Clay Matthews to get healthy; to figure out who kidnapped B.J. Raji … and basically Ted Thompson to have his best offseason.

This is what I mean when I say Peter is a drama queen. The Packers simply need to do some work on the offensive line and on defense. Find better players. All is not lost and Ted Thompson doesn't need to have his best offseason. Simmer down.

13. Cincinnati (11-6). It’s one thing for fans to not trust Andy Dalton, and those from Lima to Lexington surely won’t in 2014. But Dalton’s biggest problem going forward is that his own locker room isn’t going to trust him, regardless of what the players and coaches say publicly.

And Peter King already has Andy Dalton losing the Bengals locker room. That's nice.

14. Pittsburgh (8-8). The Steelers would have given the Chargers a much better game than Cincinnati did.

We get it Peter! You wanted to see the Steelers in the playoffs. The Steelers didn't win the AFC North and the Bengals did, so don't act like the Bengals got in the playoffs on a fluke. They earned the chance to play at home against the Chargers over the course of the season. Wasn't it just last week Peter was railing against the Chargers being in the playoffs because he thought the Steelers should have made it? Now that the Chargers have won a road playoff game, Peter has taken his Northeast-biased ass anger and misdirects it towards the Bengals. It wasn't a "Bengals or Steelers?" situation during Week 17, so Peter shouldn't act like the missed call in the Chiefs-Chargers game let the Bengals into the playoffs where they choked. The missed call let the Chargers in the playoffs over the Steelers and Peter is trying to deflect his anger towards the Bengals, as if the Bengals didn't deserve their playoff spot over the Steelers. That's probably what all this anger directed towards Andy Dalton is all about. Peter is mad the Bengals "took" the Steelers playoff spot, even though they didn't.

Offensive Players of the Week

Andrew Luck, quarterback, Indianapolis.

Very rarely does a quarterback who committed three turnovers in a playoff game receive one of Peter's thirteen Offensive Player of the Week awards.

But somehow, Luck had enough presence to throw three second-half touchdowns, and even more presence to pick up a bouncing fumble near the goal line and stretch it over for a bizarre but vital score in the 45-44 Indy win. Let the unauthorized Luck biographies (plural) be contracted out.

At least Peter no one is comparing Luck to a US Senator (yet) like was done earlier this year in regard to Robert Griffin.

 “They had their hearts ripped out. They should hurt. That’ll make us better.”

—Kansas City coach Andy Reid, a day after after he and his players blew a 38-10 third-quarter lead and lost to Indianapolis 45-44 in one of the strangest games in NFL history Saturday.

And yet, no matter how many games Andy Reid loses for his team with his weird play-calling and poor clock management, he doesn't seem to learn. His players probably learned that lesson best on Saturday.

Then Peter harps again on how bad Andy Dalton was against the Chargers.

I don’t want to be too knee-jerk, but the Bengals are going to have to consider bringing competition to training camp for Andy Dalton. I don’t mean he should be benched, and I don’t mean Cincinnati should necessarily draft a quarterback in the first round, but the Bengals have too much defensive talent to watch the quarterback put up 33 points in 34 playoff drives.

It doesn't sound knee-jerk at all. I wonder at what point Dalton will have to justify his selection as the quarterback-of-the-future for the Bengals? I'm sure Peter will alert us on Twitter as to when this time might be.

Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week

Forward, friendly, 40ish guy next to me on the train from Grand Central Terminal to Stamford Friday: “Who was that on the phone?”

Oh goodie! Peter has a chance to name-drop who he was talking with on the phone. Think of all the times Peter has bitched about someone talking on the phone while on the train or complained a person's conversation is too boring. Now know for sure that he has conversations in public on the train himself. Think any of those conversations are loud or boring? Probably.

Me: “Dan Fouts.”

Forward guy: “THE Dan Fouts?”

No, the real estate guy in Washington.

Me: “I think so—the former football player.”

Also notice how Peter has called this guy "Forward guy" because he had the audacity to listen to Peter's conversation and then ask Peter about it. Listening to conversations and then reporting to others what the conversation is about seems to be something Peter loves to do routinely, yet when someone does it to him then he thinks that person is being "forward." I guess writing down a transcript of a perfect stranger's conversation in MMQB isn't being "forward" to Peter.

Forward guy: “I bet that’s cool, talking to Dan Fouts.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s good.”

Silence for the next 35 minutes. He texted, I wrote, I got off in Stamford, he got off, and that was it.

This was such an interesting story, I'm glad Peter relayed it to us. It's obvious that Peter didn't tell this story just to name-drop that he talked to Dan Fouts and relay a story about how people find his job to be so awesome.

1. I think this is what I liked about wild-card weekend:

d. T.Y. Hilton. Everything about him.

So precocious.

k. Chris Mortensen’s information that Mike Munchak turned down an extension with Tennessee that would have paid him “almost double” his current $3 milion annual salary. Good information. And absolutely mind-boggling. Munchak  was head coach for three playoff-less seasons, was 7-9 in a mediocre (at best) division, and spent massively to build a running game this year that was just average. Wow. That was a stunner to me. And to pay him that money while insisting he change half the coaches on his staff? Hey, right hand: Have any idea what the left hand is doing?

Probably calling Dan Fouts and then telling everyone about it, while describing a grown man as precocious.

p. Kudos, GM Tom Telesco of the Chargers … for many things. The biggest I can think of this morning is signing Danny Woodhead for two years and $3.5 million. Woodhead is worth three times that.

I like Danny Woodhead and all, but two years at $10.5 million? I'm not sure Woodhead is worth that anywhere but in Peter King's world. 

r. Just give me Jordy Nelson, Anquan Boldin and a competent quarterback, and I’ll give you any two receivers in football, and I’ll take my chances against you.

Okay. A.J. Green and Calvin Johnson quarterbacked by Aaron Rodgers are probably going to beat your team of Nelson, Boldin and a competent quarterback. But I do LOVE the hyperbole behind this statement.

2. I think this is what I didn’t like about wild-card weekend

The Bengals preventing the Steelers from making the playoffs. Because that's exactly what happened.

a. Jamaal Charles going down in the first five minutes of the game. Love watching him play. Amazing this game produced 89 points without him.

It's amazing the Colts were able to score points without Jamaal Charles playing running back for the Chiefs. How did they manage to do that?

d. Colts: 14 turnovers in the regular season; four Saturday.

Including three by future Hall of Famer and 8-time Super Bowl champion Andrew Luck. Hey, he made a great comeback, but he also helped to dig the hole by throwing three interceptions. Of course the lemming media doesn't care if a quarterback starts off playing shitty, as long as he ends the game playing well. The narrative doesn't go backwards though. If a quarterback starts off playing well, then throws three interceptions in the second half then he is a choker, even if the number of turnovers would be the same at three.

l. If Micah Hyde makes that pick with four minutes to go, there’s a very good chance the course of 2013 NFC playoff history would be a lot different.

Just like if Andrew Luck had thrown his three interceptions in the second half then he would be considered a choker or if Donald Brown's fumble had bounced a different direction then Peter would have pointed out the Colts have been playing from behind all year and it finally came back to bite them.

3. I think I don’t care one bit who Aaron Rodgers—or any player, coach, fan or writer—has sex with. Nor should anyone. If a player chooses to discuss, it’s his business. If not, leave it alone, world.

But if Aaron Rodgers chooses to talk on the phone in public then Peter will feel free to transcribe the entire conversation.

8. I think I’ll have a mini-MMQB on Tuesday this week, because of the voluminous news week. Coming: a Saints item, interviews with Bill O’Brien and Lovie Smith, and your email.

As I have said before, rather than have a MMQB on Tuesday why not cut the fat from this MMQB or put certain parts (like the diary of the Packers fan) into it's own column to be posted on THE MMQB? Peter could cut the Fine Fifteen or Tweets of the Week and just make his Tuesday column a mailbag.

10. I think these are my non-NFL thoughts of the week:

d. My sincere thanks to Dave Goren of the National Sportscasters and Sportswriters Association, and all the NSSA voters, who voted me sportswriter of the year for 2013. I’m humbled and so appreciative. Thank you.

But not too humbled to fail to mention he received this award in MMQB. In sportswriting sometimes it seems the best way to win an award is to keep writing and don't die. The NSSA has elected Mitch Albom into their Hall of Fame if that gives you any insight into their thought process and what they consider to be great sportswriting. Mitch Albom has lied and made up stories for a column and he is still in the NSSA Hall of Fame. I guess there is no morality clause when it comes to NSSA Hall of Fame voting.

e. Baseball writers have a tough job with this Hall of Fame voting, tougher than we have it in football. Do not envy them one bit, trying to decide if Bonds and Clemens belong.

It's really not hard or worth the teeth gnashing required. If a voter believes players who have used PED's or are linked to PED's should be in the Hall of Fame, vote them in. If the voter doesn't believe these guys should make it, then don't vote for them. For a group of people who take such a hard stance on PED's these Hall of Fame voters certainly seem to make it seem like they are deciding the fate of the free world and not simply voting based on their beliefs.

f. Coffeenerdness: No Tom Curran/coconut coffee tales for you this week, unfortunately, but I am looking for help in this regard for coffeephiles: I need a recommendation on how to clean a veteran Krups coffeemaker that hasn’t been cleaned in over a year. Baking powder and hot water, run through a normal cycle?

Hey buddy, how about you Google/Bing the answer to that question? You tell your readers to Google information they don't know, so take your own advice.

The Adieu Haiku
Harbaugh kissed writers.
Gadzooks. I doubt Tom Coughlin
ever kissed Vito.

I wish we could kiss the Adieu Haiku goodbye.