Bill Simmons Gives Up, Is Just Going to Publish Mailbags From Now On

Well, it had to happen. After a steady stream of NFL mailbags and a few weeks off during the Winter where Bill didn't write anything, Bill is now going to publish weekly mailbags about the NBA. So on one hand, it's depressing he can't churn out any columns more creative than a mailbag, but on the other hand, Bill is writing a weekly NBA mailbag. Now all I have to do is figure out for a way to get ESPN to hire Joe Morgan back and allow him to do weekly chats and all will be well in the world again. So this is the first (or Volume 1) of the NBA Mailbags, or as I will better know them, "Fuck It, I Give Up on Writing Original Material So Here's a Mailbag: Volume 1." This feels exciting (a guaranteed weekly Bill Simmons mailbag!) and a little sad (Bill is writing mailbags and his writing of columns is sure to drop off a cliff, sort of like a band going on tour but featuring only their hit songs without a new album) at the same time.

Q: Diehard T-Wolves fan here.

Again, if you have to say it, then there is a good chance you are insecure about it. Why be insecure about it if there isn't a reason to be? Of course, who would claim to be a diehard T-Wolves fan that is not a diehard T-Wolves fan?

Since everyone claims Love is leaving after next year, I am trying to come up with a trade that makes sense. Love for Thibs, Noah, Butler and a pick, who says no?
—Paul, San Francisco

I say "no" because you are being pathetic and using Bill's "Who says 'no'?" phrase in an effort to get into Bill's mailbag. Naturally it worked.

SG: Anyway, here’s the best case for keeping Love: We just watched what happened in Portland, when Unhappy LaMarcus Aldridge turned into Happy LaMarcus Aldridge as soon as the Blazers started winning.

(How appropriate is it that Bill's initials are "B.S."?)

So all the Timberwolves have to do is start winning game and Kevin Love will be happy! Why didn't they think about this before? It's so easy to do.

I think they have to trade him. Only four trades make sense.

ONLY four trades make sense and they just happen to all be trades that Bill Simmons has thought of. Imagine that. These are the only trades that make sense. Every other trade idea is shit.

Any Love trade should happen before June’s draft — one year before Love can opt out of his contract — and it can’t happen without his wink-wink consent.

I don't think there is any winking about it. Love isn't going to want to go to a team that isn't going to re-sign him and it doesn't seem like there is a team that would trade for him without some sort of promise he would seriously consider re-signing with that team. Also, this may come as a shock to you so just hold on tight, but Boston is one of the teams Bill suggests makes sense as a destination for Love. I know. I hope you didn't fall out of your chair out of shock at this turn of events.

Location No. 1: Phoenix
I gotta admit, the thought of Love playing run-and-gun in Jeff Hornacek’s entertaining offense with Dragic and Bledsoe is downright titillating. But this would be the ultimate quarters-and-dimes-for-a-two-dollar-bill trade:

THIS TRADE MAKES NO SENSE BUT IT MAKES TOTAL SENSE WHICH IS WHY BILL INCLUDED IT!

(By the way, these four trades that make sense are all a cover for the fourth trade that Bill thinks makes the most sense, which just happens to be the trade where the Celtics trade for Love. He would be called a homer if he just included that trade as his only suggestion, so Bill mixes in three other trades that he admits don't make sense to throw his readers off, but I'm on to him)

something like Alex Len (last year’s no. 5 pick), three 2014 first-rounders (from Indy, Washington and Phoenix, all top-12 protected at least) and a protected Minnesota first-rounder that Phoenix already owns (thanks, David Kahn!) for Love and J.J. Barea’s Expiring-in-2015 Contract. That’s about 60 cents on the dollar since there’s no lottery pick in the deal other than Len … and he might be the Ukrainian Meyers Leonard for all we know.

Oh no, Alex Len is probably going to find a way to be worse than Meyers Leonard. He's terrible and that's saying a lot considering Meyers Leonard is terrible too. For the record, I didn't like either of these draft picks. I have this thing against drafting tall guys on potential when those tall guys haven't shown much of this potential yet. I was very wrong about Andre Drummond, but in my defense, my issues with Drummond were more motivation-related than anything. He didn't seem to care at UConn.

I am lukecold. Odds of this happening: 12-to-1.

In summary, Bill is lukecold on his own trade idea that he claims makes sense. Bill's sense of logic is a roller coaster ride.

Location No. 2: Los Angeles
Love went to UCLA, dates an actress, lives here during the summers, the whole thing.

If you recall, Bill used similar reasoning as to why Dwight Howard should and would re-sign with the Lakers. Once he gets a taste of the Los Angeles life he wouldn't go back...then Howard signed with Houston once he became a free agent.

Only one scenario works: a three-teamer in which Memphis gets Pau Gasol (sign-and-trade to reunite the Gasol hermanos), Minnesota gets Zach Randolph (expires in 2015) and L.A.’s unprotected lottery picks in 2014 and 2017, and the Lakers get Love. That’s 80 cents on the dollar, especially if that Lakers pick falls in the 3-to-5 range.

I know Bill hates the Lakers, but that 2017 pick isn't going to be in the lottery if they trade for Kevin Love. The Lakers are good at acquiring superstars, so the Timberwolves would receive Zach Randolph (who, by the way, is the type of player who could shut down if he is in an unfavorable situation), a lottery pick, and a pick that I would presume would be in the 20's. That's not 80 cents on the dollar in my opinion. But what do I know, Bill is proposing another trade that "make sense" which he doesn't think will happen.

Problem No. 1: It’s too hard to pull off three-teamers.

Yet Bill thought the Clippers should have pulled off a three-teamer to acquire Spencer Hawes at the trade deadline this year. It's too hard to pull of a three-teamer in Bill's opinion, but that was his suggestion for the Clippers to acquire Spencer Hawes just a few weeks ago.

Problem No. 3: Because of the Stepien Rule, the Lakers can’t trade that 2014 pick right away because they already traded away their 2015 pick (to Phoenix). They’d have to make the 2014 pick, sign that player, THEN trade him. (Highly unrealistic.) And Problem No. 4: If you’re Love, why trade one mess for another? Why not wait a year? Don’t worry, Lakers fans, the NBA is rigging the 2014 lottery for you. You’ll be fine. Odds of this happening: 15-to-1.

But remember, this trade is one of the few that makes sense, even though it's clear from Bill's perspective it doesn't make sense.

Location No. 3: Chicago
Hmmmm … what about Taj Gibson, Charlotte’s 2014 first-rounder, their own 2014 first-rounder and the rights to Nikola Mirotic for Love? Even without a lottery pick, that’s 75 cents on the dollar for Minnesota.

Not 80 cents or 77 cents, but this is 75 cents on the dollar for Minnesota.

The problem: There’s no sexy piece in that trade for Minnesota. How do you sell that baby to your fans? “We replaced our franchise player with two non-lottery picks we’ll definitely screw up, an unknown foreigner and Taj Gibson! GET YOUR SEASON TICKETS NOW!”

But remember this is one of the trades for Kevin Love that makes sense to Bill, even though Bill doesn't think it makes sense. So it turns out the only trade that Bill really thinks makes sense is a trade where Love goes to...you guessed it...

Location No. 4: Boston

Yep, Bill really thinks the only trade for Love that makes sense is a trade of Love to Boston. But what about Kelly Olynyk and Colton Iverson? They are the future!

Like Love in Minnesota, Rondo can leave Boston in July 2015. And like Love, you can’t trade him unless it’s a team that (a) has assets to give back, and (b) could entice him into staying. Harder than you think. 

And Bill of course knows how hard I think this is to pull off. He can read minds.

So, what do you do? Well, aren’t you better off keeping Rondo — one of the league’s 15 to 20 best players when healthy — and finding him an All-Star teammate? Enter Kevin Love. They did it in 2007 with Paul Pierce and they could easily do it again: by paying a premium price for a second All-Star, suddenly it becomes MUCH easier to get that third All-Star.

We've gone from Bill evaluating the best trades for Rondo to Bill rosterbating like a fan boy to get the Celtics back on top without that pesky "rebuilding" that Danny Ainge is always talking about. Bill is at heart a fan boy.

OK, so what happens if Boston throws its shamrock-shaped Asset Penis on the table and trumps everybody? Let’s say the Celtics lose the 2014 lottery and end up with a pick between no. 3 and no. 5. They could send that pick to Minny along with Atlanta’s first-rounder (probably ending up in the 13-to-18 range) and their 2015 Clippers pick for Love.

Or they could keep that pick and get Jabari Parker so they can be happy forever. Then the Celtics could lure another free agent to Boston with the money they still have and build a team of Rondo, Parker, Free Agent X, and another quality starter. I'm rosterbating too, but there are other options back to the playoffs if the Celtics land the #3 pick.

You team up Love and Rondo and suddenly it’s 10 times easier to land that third All-Star. (You reading, Carmelo?) And yes, that deal could potentially net the Timberwolves three top-15 picks in a monster draft. Odds of it happening: 3-to-1.

I can't imagine what could go wrong when a point guard who loves to dribble around and control the ball is combined with a small forward who plays defense when he feels up to it and seems at his best when isolated with the ball to make plays. But hey, at least Kelly Olynyk could protect the rim, right?

But if this were a poker table, the Celtics would have the biggest stack of chips right now. If any current NBA player appreciates stuff like “Celtic Pride,” 

Two things:

1. Nobody who isn't a Celtics fan or hasn't played for the Celtics gives a shit about "Celtic Pride."

2. Bill just got done saying that Love would love enjoy playing in Los Angeles for a variety of reasons, but then submits the best choice is for Love to move 3,000 miles away from Los Angeles to Boston. So...the whole "Los Angeles is a draw" thing really isn't a thing?

“That’s a great organization that looks out for its dudes”

You know, as long as you aren't Ray Allen or Rajon Rondo (who appears in trade rumors ten times per year).

My best guess: I think Love rides it out in Minnesota, then jumps to the Lakers in 2015. But I wouldn’t rule out the Celtics. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I had thought about this too, but I won't say you didn't warn me with your completely original idea that only you have thought of. I just enjoy how the Celtics are less than one year into a rebuilding situation and Bill Simmons so much can't stand the losing already that he is rosterbating to figure out a way to make the Celtics an NBA Finals contender immediately. You know, if the Celtics have two losing seasons in a row then Bill may become an NBA widow. He just couldn't handle being the fan of a rebuilding team. It would kill him. Well, it would most likely cause him to write at least five columns whining about the Celtics rebuilding at the very least. That's one way to get Bill to write columns again, if he has something regarding his favorite teams to complain about.

Q: I know it doesn’t fit your “Worst 30 Contracts” criteria necessarily (other than the title of the article) but doesn’t Kevin Love’s contract deserve a mention? Not signing him to that 5th year so you could save that hammer for Rubio was a monumentally bad decision that is likely to cost us a chance to resign him. Especially because the contract gave him an early out. Its unbelievably bad. It will keep the stench of Kahn on us for years to come …
—Steve, Coeur d’Alene

SG: You know what’s amazing about that one? That was an atrocious decision at the time … and that’s when we thought Ricky Rubio was good! Now that Rubio has established himself as the worst shooter in modern NBA history, it has to go down as David Kahn’s single worst decision. Yeah, even worse than taking two straight point guards in 2009 without making sure either of them was named “Stephen Curry.” What an abominable talent evaluation. Did anyone other than Kahn, at any point in the past three years, believe that Ricky Rubio had a higher ceiling as an NBA player than Kevin Love?

Interesting comments from Bill. I do enjoy some revisionist history. Bill didn't ever compare Rubio to Love in terms of their ceiling, but he had a very high opinion of Rubio for a few years, which he hopes his readers have forgotten about. I have not forgotten. Here are some of Bill's prior comments about Ricky Rubio, including of course the time he said the Thunder should have taken Rubio over James Harden.

October 2008: 

(Important note: If the Knicks land Ricky Rubio two years from now, the previous paragraph becomes moot and the Bill Walsh/Mike D. scenario immediately goes back into play. Hey, did the fact that I nearly set up a Google alert for Rubio last week make me a fan or a stalker? Since I held off, I say I'm still a fan. Although that might change when I move to whichever city drafts him. OK, I'm a semi-stalker.

Bill Simmons: International Scouting Expert

May 2009:

Bill Simmons: I have never been more torn about anything non-Celts related. On the one hand, Rubio, Durant, Green and Westbrook... wow. Those are four of my favorite incoming picks of the past 5 years, I sung all of their praises before the draft as much as anyone. All on the same team? 

Bill Simmons: I think this draft stinks. I like Griffin and Rubio, and after that, I like the 8-12 range where you might get Curry, Lawson or Flynn. I know those 5 guys are NBA starters. I don't know about anyone else. If I were the T-Wolves, I'd just draft Curry sixth. I don't have many certainties about the 2009 Draft, but here's one: Curry is going to make threes in the NBA and create shots for other guys.

To be fair, Bill was always a big Steph Curry fan. Mostly because Curry played well in the NCAA Tournament and that's the sum total of college basketball Bill watches on a yearly basis. But wow, Bill certainly has a high opinion of Rubio didn't he?

February 2010 in his trade value column: 

40. Ricky Rubio
If you have the No. 5 and No. 6 picks in what turned out to be a quality draft,

Rubio had the 40th ranking in Bill's trade value column.

29. O.J. Mayo
28. Kevin Love

I included this part to show you Bill had O.J. Mayo as having the 29th best trade value in 2010, right below Kevin Love.

June 2009:

If I had to bet my life on any 2009 prospect becoming a top-three player on a championship team, I'd bet on Blake Griffin, Ricky Rubio and Stephen Curry.

4. It took 21 minutes before someone (Fran Fraschilla) gushed about Rubio's once-in-a-generation passing, two-steps-ahead-of-everyone timing and incredible career (playing professionally since age 14). Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, is going to regret not being more excited about Ricky Rubio on June 25, 2009.

4:52: The Zombie Sonics take … James Harden. And thank God, I didn't want to turn on Seattle. I really didn't. "He's battled asthma since he was a child," Scott tells us. How does Rubio drop to No. 4? How?!? I feel like I'm gonna pass out. I like Harden as a glue-character guy and he definitely has a good porn name. But considering the Zombies have to worry about Durant fleeing in a couple of years, wasn't it in their best interests to find him an unselfish guard who's immensely fun to play with and was put on the earth to get Durant easy baskets? Big mistake.

(Sorry. I can't. Rubio is going to haunt you like Stevie Nicks haunts Lindsey Buckingham every time she sings "Silver Springs." He's gonna bulge his eyes at you and look crazy and vindictive just like Stevie as he's wearing a visiting uniform and throwing no-looks in a half-empty Verizon Center. You wait.)

So yeah, Bill was pretty excited about Ricky Rubio based on his vast knowledge of Rubio's game as seen through YouTube videos from overseas. These are the same YouTube videos that Bill knocks Chad Ford for watching when he is evaluating international prospects by the way. So my point is that Bill knocks the Timberwolves for talent evaluation while also ignoring he was over the moon for Ricky Rubio, a guy Bill knows "we" thought was good. Not him, but "we." I liked Rubio too, but Bill couldn't get enough of him. Now he's acting like he didn't think Rubio was the next coming of Steve Nash.

Speaking of Jermaine, there were four NBA certainties heading toward the 2014 trade deadline: (1) The Cavs would forget to deal Anderson Varejao before he got hurt (happened);

Other teams know Varejao gets injured a lot also. I've brought this up before, but for some reason Bill acts like the entire NBA isn't acting with complete information on Varejao's injury history.

(2) the Knicks would somehow make their fans deeply, profoundly unhappy (happened);

Knicks fans are conditioned to be unhappy.

Q: I’m sure you heard that the Washington Professional Basketball Team put Miami Heat fans on a “Bandwagon Cam” at the game in DC tonight. I cannot tell you how happy this made me. My question is simple: Why doesn’t every other arena in the NBA do this???
—Clark Gerber, Provo, UT

Because alienating and mocking ticket holders doesn't seem like the best way to guarantee fans will come to your games. Miami fans don't care if you call them bandwagon because their team is winning, and frankly, Washington Wizards fans at a game in no way have to worry about being called "bandwagon fans" so it's safe for the Wizards to do it. Otherwise, anybody who is buying tickets to a game (even to cheer on the other team) probably wouldn't like being publicly mocked. Of course, given how much people like attention I can see someone wearing a road team's jersey just to appear on the "Bandwagon Cam."

SG: I’m demanding it. People running the video screens for the other 28 teams — let’s get this done. You see Heat fans or Thunder fans at your arena in good seats, you throw them on the Bandwagon Cam during a timeout.

(coughs) The Celtics too.

Q: In your Worst Contracts column, how could you forgot one crucial point about the Knicks and their Billups amnesty?

Yeah, how could you forgot this one crucial point?

Q: Watching your B.S. Report with KD the other day, it occurred to me that he’s basically become mid ’90s Eddie Vedder. He got too popular and now he’s pushing back against the notoriety by being distant and trying to give himself the horribly faux humble nickname “The Servant.”

Yep, this comparison immediately doesn't hold up at all. Eddie Vedder was never comfortable with how popular Pearl Jam got and that's part of the reason Pearl Jam stopped making music videos after "Ten." So Eddie Vedder was always pushing back against notoriety and this comparison fails. I'm sorry.

Therefore, while he goes through this “uncomfortable in his own skin” phase, the only appropriate nickname for him is “Vitalogy”. Ah if only he was still in Seattle.
—Matt, Westminster, Colorado

Actually, "No Code" is where Vedder's songwriting started to veer off away from the sound of the first three albums and into more experimental and (what I would call) a self conscious direction. So maybe "No Code" is a better nickname for Durant, but that wouldn't be as (not) funny would it?

SG: With that said, if we wanted to extend Matt’s analogy just for shits and giggles, then Durant’s Sonics year was definitely Mother Love Bone, the first OKC year was Mookie Blaylock, the second OKC year was the name change to Pearl Jam (when the band finally knew what it was), Year 4 was the Ten album (when everything took off), Year 5 was the NBA Finals/Time magazine cover, Year 6 was Vs. (great follow-up album, some tension/discord/injuries), and now we’re slowly morphing into Vitalogy (greatness crossed with weariness and a general longing just to do great work without all the other bullshit that comes with it).

This is a forced comparison. "Vitalogy" had tension and weariness but was not an effort to be distant and move away from the fan base. That was more of what "No Code" was about. Also, Durant was a known quantity in his first NBA season, while Mother Love Bone wasn't a known quantity until after Pearl Jam became famous and the same goes for Mookie Blaylock. Move the comparison back to Durant in college and maybe I will buy in, but Durant was a known quantity and Pearl Jam was not when Vedder was in Mother Love Bone. Actually, Durant's only year in college is "Ten" because that's when he started to take off by winning "National Player of the Year" and going #2 in the draft.

This question is so inconsequential, I'm not even sure why I'm arguing it.

Then Bill criticizes Oklahoma City Thunder fans for not being angry enough with their team for trading James Harden. Because there's something wrong with enjoying your team and not bitching about every bad move that team makes.

What about just Durant straight up for Channing Frye? They’d definitely get mad at that, right? I’d love to know where the line is. Because it’s clearly not “We broke up a possible dynasty and replaced the best 2-guard in basketball with a backup shooting guard, an energy guy off the bench, a non-lottery pick and one year of Kevin Martin.”

Bill can't stand the idea of a fan base not being miserable and hating their team. If more fan bases weren't miserable and hated their team then how could Bill be popular? His schtick is whining about terrible moves his team makes and allowing readers to write in and whine about their favorite teams too. If more fan bases just enjoy seeing their favorite team play and don't whine, that's bad for business.

Q: I was at a bar last night with my girl friends from high school. On Tuesdays they play trivia and if you win, they cover your tab (obviously one of my friends is sleeping with the bartender, so we drink for free, anyway). 

Why would it be obvious one of your friends is sleeping with the bartender? And is the bartender a girl or a guy? Since this email is from a girl, I'll assume the friend is a girl. I'm not still not sure why it's obvious this reader's friend is sleeping with the bartender, unless it's supposed to be obvious from this pathetic attempt to get Bill's attention that this reader's friends are equally pathetic and need to use sex as a way to get attention from guys.

One of the rounds is “doctors” – we are the ONLY TEAM to correctly answer a question about Dr. Julius Erving. Should I pretend to know less? I think that I’ve officially become undateable.
—Rachel Z, New York

The fact that you took the time to tell this completely boring and pointless story to Bill Simmons is what makes you undateable.

SG: Yup, these are my readers.

(By the way, I’m about 200 words over. I need to work on this whole word-count thing.)

The word count was a self-imposed limit and you could have removed any one of these emails and this NBA mailbag wouldn't have been any better or worse.