Phil Mushnick Probably Hates Puppies Due to Their Exaggerated Sense of Optimism

Phil Mushnick hates everything. He crapped on Adrian Peterson after the death of his son and believed Florida Gulf Coast University to be the end of humanity as we know it because of the way they celebrated their achievements on the basketball court. Just a year later college basketball still hasn't recovered from the damage Florida Gulf Coast has done to the sport. Even the name "Phil Mushnick" sounds like the name of a person who hates everything. It doesn't sound like the name of a happy person and reminds me of cold oatmeal on a dreary, rainy day. So maybe it's his name's fault that Phil seems so unhappy.

So Phil has two weird, overly nitpicky issues with the world today. One deals with sports lingo and the other deals with DeSean Jackson being a gang member. We all know by now that Phil likes racist lingo, so he obviously will also totally think Jackson is a gang member. What's interesting is Mushnick was defending the Texas Tech fan pushed by Marcus Smart, saying the media was too quick to label him a racist. Yet, Phil is quick to call Jackson a gang member when there's no proof this is true. Interesting how that works.

First, I'll start with the inane sports lingo that hurts Phil's delicate ears and offends his sense of crotchetiness.

We’ve been too hard on ourselves, blaming our runaway imaginations and caught in a trap with our superstitious minds. There is a Dept. of Linguistic Nonsense within TV networks.

Sort of like the nonsense that was the first sentence of this column?

There is because there must be.

And so it was.

Having suffered the latest new-age nonsense football season — standard, self-evident, hardly-worth-speaking acts such as jumping were decorated with fantastic claims of “verticality” and “high-pointing the football,” basketball is now under siege.

You know how you know Phil Mushnick is an older gentleman? He clearly has few cares in the world and these small little problems annoy him because he now lacks bigger, more important problems. It's why my mother can tell a 10 minute story about a refrigerator repairman making a snide comment about her fridge. She lacks bigger issues, so the fridge comment is the bigger issue. As an older gentleman, Phil lacks much bigger problems so the lingo announcers use really annoys him.

Friday night on CBS, Kentucky was up on Kansas State 29-23 with 44 seconds left in the first half, thus nearly 21 minutes left in regulation. Yet, that’s when the NCAA Tournament’s lead analyst, Greg Anthony, announced, “It’s a two-possession game.”

Oh my God, he said that? It's accurate sure, but doesn't Greg Anthony realize the ramifications of saying how many possessions Kansas State needs to tie the game up? This makes the damage Florida Gulf Coast did to college basketball last season seem minor in comparison.

It would be preposterous to even consider K-State’s strategy at that point would be to stop Kentucky from scoring on its next two possessions then shoot — and make — two consecutive 3-point shots to tie the game.

Yes, it would be preposterous to consider that strategy, but not nearly as preposterous as worrying about whether an announcer says "it's a two-possession game" or "it's a six point game." That's a real concern.

Yet, by saying “it’s a two-possession game,” rather than “it’s a six-point game” or, better yet, saying nothing and allowing the score graphic to serve its purpose, Anthony went with the latest foolish fashion

I didn't even know this was a fashion to say "It's a X-possession game." I guess this is why Phil gets paid the big bucks to point out these trends in his 100 word columns. Saying "it's a two-possession game" instead of "it's a six-point game" is really six of one, half dozen of the other. In the realm of minor deals, this is a very minor deal. Both statements are true, one annoys Phil for some reason that will forever remain unclear outside of a vague reference to "foolish fashion."

— up there with “score the basketball” — telling us K-State was now just two possessions — both 3-pointers — away from tying the game 

Saying, "it's a two-possession game" is essentially a way of pointing out Kansas State is within striking distance of tying the game up. It's a phrase.

(Coach Blatherskite: “We tried to make it a seven-possession game before the half, but we kept turning it over. We have to do a better job of reducing the number of possessions we’re down, especially three-point possessions, in the second half.”)

Just hilarious. I'm surprised Phil doesn't get a job writing comedy routines. Even Jay Leno would cringe at this joke.

Minutes later, Len Elmore, analyzing the Virginia-Coastal Carolina game on TBS, noted, with Virginia up three, “It’s a one-possession game.”

That would have held some meaning if there were, oh, 43 seconds left, but Elmore’s observation — words he’d never have considered saying a few years ago

Len Elmore has foolishly given in to this announcing trend rather than stick to saying it is a three-point game and essentially relaying the same information as if he had said "it's a three-point game." Semantics, it's what Phil Mushnick is all about.

— was seriously spoken with nine minutes left!

Nine minutes left! There were 540 seconds left in this game. 15% of an hour was left in this game. 22.5% of this game was still left and Len Elmore had the audacity to point out a #16 seed was one possession away from tying up a game against a #1 seed, which obviously isn't important considering a #1 seed has never beaten a #16 seed. Why would this information be relevant at all?

Yesterday, Stanford up 18-16 six minutes left in the first half, Anthony again chose the long-form way to say nothing, expertly noting it’s “a one-possession game.”

And of course if Anthony had noted it's "a two-point game" then this comment would have been much insightful given the fact few viewers can subtract 18 from 16 and figure this information out on their own. Stating it's "a two-point game" is also saying nothing.

The easy and simple are now served larded in excessive, silly words and expressions, as needless as they are ridiculous.

(coughs) Like this article.

Saturday, TNT studio host Matt Winer reported Iowa State’s Georges Niang will miss the rest of the NCAAs with a broken foot. “A versatile player,” said Winer, “he’s going to be missed, going forward.”

I can't believe Matt Winer said this. Shocking really.

“Going forward”? That’s another one, as if … aw, forget it.

What Winer meant was "going forward" through the NCAA Tournament Niang will be missed. Obviously he will be missed in the future, but as Iowa State tries to advance in the NCAA Tournament his presence will be missed "going forward" though the tournament. That's what he meant and it makes sense to say this.

Neither Jim Nantz nor Greg Anthony saw fit to note Sunday that Stanford, up three and with chances to commit a foul with under :08 left, allowed Kansas’ best long-range shooter a shot to tie the game near the buzzer!

Probably because they were too busy pointing out it was a one-possession game!

Now Phil Mushnick rails against me-first antics and also jumps to the conclusion that DeSean Jackson obviously was a gang member. Because Phil is clearly an expert on gangs and gang behavior, he KNOWS DeSean Jackson is a gang member. 

Q: When is the logical, decent time to start a weekend MLB game in NYC in April? 1 p.m., no?

I don't know, why is that a good time to start a weekend MLB game in New York City? Also, I like how Phil writes "decent" in there as if any other option would be fairly considered indecent.

Well, four weekend April night games are scheduled — two Yankee Sunday 8:05 numbers for ESPN, two Saturday 7:10 jobs for SNY’s Mets.

Oh no, have you called the police and reported the Mets/Yankees for public indecency? What did they say about this?

Baseball’s gold standard, on Bud Selig’s watch, remains gold. Patrons now can choose between being taken for granted and going to hell.

I think this may be a little bit of an overreaction to two 7:10pm and two 8:05pm start times for baseball games.

We’re lost in the woods.

"Everything was better when gays kept it to themselves, blacks had their own water fountains, and women were allowed to vote but only when they weren't cleaning the house. Society is lost now. The only thing to do is complain about it and hold covertly racist opinions."

Why would it be shocking if DeSean Jackson, is affiliated with a gang, and thus likely to be party, witness or have knowledge of blood and body-bag crime?

Because this doesn't seem like the natural path for one of the NFL's best receivers to take when he has plenty of options available to him because of his athletic skill and ability to generate income from that skill? Why wouldn't it be shocking that DeSean Jackson is affiliated with a gang?

At this point, in a world gone nuts, there must be dozens of NCAA, NFL and NBA players who belong to drugs-guns-murder street gangs,

No hockey players though, because they are mostly white and we all know white athletes would never belong to drugs-guns-murder street gangs. There's no way some of those Russian hockey players would have ANY ties to the Russian mafia, which apparently Phil Mushnick doesn't count as a drugs-guns-murder street gang because they are just so damned organized! Hockey definitely has never had a gang problem. Not at all. 

“Omerta,” as per gang-bangers, is childishly known as “don’t snitch.” But violators suffer similar results: They become dead people, friends and/or family often included. 

And none of this has seemed to happen in the case of DeSean Jackson, hence why it would be shocking that he is a member of the Crips. I know it's easy to jump to conclusions when they fit a preconceived notion, but Jackson wouldn't be the first athlete to know gang members but not have an actual affiliation to them or participate in their gang activities.

The condition of money-mutilated college sports placed Jackson, on full scholarship, at prestigious Cal-Berkeley, where, perhaps, he first met Crips in the library or when invited to play on their intramural softball team.

Absolutely hilarious. It's not at all possible the DeSean Jackson grew up around Crips and that explains how he knows them. I like how Phil wants to be so certain that Jackson is affiliated with the Crips. It's important to rush to judgment in situations like this.

Jackson’s an enormously talented receiver or no one would care if he lived — maybe even to 30 — or died.

Son of a bitch, Phil is acting like Jackson is deeply affiliated with the Crips and when he isn't catching passes he's out gang-banging in his local neighborhood. This entire sentence works under the assumption that Jackson is a member of the Crips and is in immediate danger of dying (which of course who cares if he dies or not, right?) in a hail of gun fire.

But if his off-field act tilts toward the criminal, his on-field conduct is a form of premeditated, first-degree assault on his sport.

Brilliant writing here to tie in Jackson's clearly obvious gang connections with Mushnick's extreme dislike for athletes celebrating their achievements on the field. Why doesn't Jackson just go and wear a fur coat on the sidelines like only the modern me-first athlete would?

He’s among the NFL’s most self-involved post-catch me-dancers, exceedingly self-impressed, regardless of the score or other pertinent team circumstances.

It seems Phil Mushnick wants DeSean Jackson to be a gang member simply because he doesn't like the way Jackson behaves on the field.

Jackson’s on-field behavior is so repugnant, NBC chose him to star perform a me-dance in the intro to every Sunday night NFL telecast.

That is repugnant to celebrate after catching a touchdown pass. Clearly, DeSean Jackson deserves to die in the most violent fashion possible. Fortunately, he is an active member of the Crips and takes part in killing human beings, so he will probably be murdered fairly soon. What a great day for Phil Mushnick that will be.

The Jets remain interested, regardless? If so, no surprise. The Woody Johnson Jets have shown an eagerness to pursue every talented creep who becomes available as a matter of can’t-indulge-him-any-longer expendability.

I know, look at them trading for Tim Tebow just a few years ago.

New Jet Michael Vick, a felon, tweeted support of his ex-Eagles teammate: “Want to wish my bro [Jackson] much success where ever he land his next opportunity.”

Oh my, Mike Vick supports DeSean Jackson. The obviousness that Jackson is a low-life criminal has never been made more plain.

He’s another who should avoid tweeting rather than universally suggest that he’s another college man — Virginia Tech — with literacy issues. Why not just call Jackson, wish him luck?

I don't know, maybe the same reason Phil Mushnick doesn't call DeSean Jackson and tell him his behavior on the field is repugnant or the same reason Phil Mushnick compliments people in his column rather than call these people. Maybe Phil should call Mike Vick and tell him he thinks he has literacy issues. Phil uses this column to compliment people, saying things like this:

Not that TV’s shot-callers would know or care, but Jim Spanarkel, who neither shouts nor hollers, specializes in saying useful things.

Saturday on CBS, early in Michigan-Texas — Michigan up 11-6 and out-running Texas, Spanarkel claimed the Longhorns were short on oxygen. “There are a couple of guys out there who are waiting — desperately — for a timeout.”

Two seconds later, Texas missed a shot, Michigan rebounded then out-ran Texas the other way to score a quick, easy layup.

If Vick should just call Jackson (because all felons have each other's phone number of course), then why doesn't Phil just call Spanarkel?

Then, because he hasn't nitpicked this issue enough, Phil takes time in this column to complain about announcers saying "it's a X-possession game."

With 3:10 left in the first half of Louisville-Kentucky, Greg Anthony reported, “it’s “a two-possession game.” Good thing he did. Otherwise, writes reader Jeff Butler of Stratford, Conn., “I might not have stuck around for the end.”

It's sad to see someone agrees with Phil. These are his readers.

Two minutes later — 21 of them left in regulation — Anthony, who again might have allowed the score to speak for itself, said it’s “a one-possession game.”

Because this is so much sillier than just saying "it's a two-point game" or something similar to that. They say the same thing of course. What else should we expect from Greg Anthony? He was part of the UNLV team in the early 90's that was just a bunch of gang-bangers and felons playing basketball when they weren't out killing people.