MMQB Review: Peter King Thinks "JFF" Stands for "Johnny F--king Failure"

Don't ask why I curse all the time in my posts but won't curse in my titles. I don't know. 

Peter King wondered last week if J.J. Watt could be the NFL MVP since he plays defense AND is on a team that may not make the playoffs. Everyone knows if you play defense on a losing team there is no way you can be the most valuable player in the NFL. It's impossible. Peter also started what I am assuming will be at least monthly assault on Jadeveon Clowney for underperforming during his rookie season due to injuries, though I don't recall Peter going at Luke Joeckel for playing in only five games in his rookie season with the Jaguars. This week Peter talks about how the type of dramatic, unpredictable football games can only happen in the NFL, talks about the winners and losers from this past week, and haughtily recommends the best wine under $25. It's funny, 97% of the wine purchased is for $10 or less and Peter recommends the best wine under $25, like that's the cheap wine that he wants to recommend to his readers. Ah yes, how the other half lives.

The Season That Went Too Fast
 
A Pro Football Book in Twenty-One Chapters

Chapter Fifteen
 
“Only in AMERICA!” Don King used to bellow, and some story about a long-shot palooka who toiled his way from Loserville to Las Vegas and into a championship fight would spill out of King’s mouth, the drama making it Must-Pay TV. Or so the legendary boxing promoter hoped.

Every single season football writers talk about what a WILD AND CRAZY SEASON THIS HAS BEEN, as if this doesn't happen every season. The NFL is unpredictable and every season is crazy in it's own way. Talking about how this season is an "Only in the NFL!" season is pretty standard. Craziness and unpredictability is the standard. So I do wish sportswriters would stop being surprised when unexpected things happen.

Weren’t we all thinking a few days ago that the road to the Super Bowl in the NFC would lead through Green Bay?

Nope. I had Seattle and Philadelphia as the two best teams in the NFC during the preseason and wasn't moving from that simply because a new and shiny team caught my attention. Life is really very simple when not making knee-jerk reactions.

I asked a friend of mine who gambles a lot: If Seattle and Green Bay met in the playoffs, with neither team changing appreciably between now and then, what would be the difference in the spread if the game were played at CenturyLink Field in Seattle versus Lambeau Field in Green Bay. He thought for a minute, then said: “Packers by five at Lambeau. Seahawks by seven in Seattle.”

I don't gamble, but that spread in Seattle seems high, even knowing the Seahawks beat the Packers handily at home in the first game of the season.

And this is why every chapter in The Season That Went Too Fast has some Grisham in it, 
 
By "some Grisham" Peter means "going to bat for pedophiles who like child porn"?

some element you never, ever expected:

Every NFL season has an element "we" would never expect. Every season.

Buffalo 21, Green Bay 13. Marcus Thigpen and Bacarri Rambo, men no one in Wisconsin had heard of at noon Sunday, playing the big roles in sending the Packers trudging back to the Tundra.

Considering Thigpen went to Indiana University, I think fans in Wisconsin probably have heard of him. But of course, if the great Peter King hasn't heard of these players then obviously no one else has either.

Seattle 17, San Francisco 7. Which figured. So now it could be setting up for the playoff road to go through Seattle.

Predictability would be different.

Only in the NFL!

Let's marvel every NFL season at how unpredictable the NFL season is!

Week 15 winners
 
Detroit. Another day, another dogfight for a confusing offense, another win (Lions 16, Vikes 14). The Lions have been held under 275 yards four times in the past 10 games. But they’ve survived, and they’ll be in the playoffs with two more wins.

I bashed the Lions' hiring of Jim Caldwell and I really don't know if I'm wrong. Next season at this time I think I will know if I'm wrong or not. Two seasons under Caldwell should be a decent way of determining if I was wrong about him. Considering the Lions haven't been an offensive juggernaut this year at times, I feel pretty good about my initial feeling on Caldwell. Of course, he does have meals with his players, so that counts for something.

Dallas. Imagine if the Cowboys lost at Philadelphia.

I can't imagine this. The results are too terrible for the human mind to wrap itself around.

The loser of the NFC East showdown for first place would face a serious chance of not making the playoffs. Jerry Jones hasn’t re-signed coach Jason Garrett yet, and with Indianapolis and Andrew Luck coming to town this week, finishing 10-6 and out of the playoffs would have been a real possibility. (It’s still no lock Dallas will make it, because finishing tied with Philadelphia at 11-5 would give the division to the Eagles on the basis of Philadelphia’s better division record.) It’s highly likely Garrett will continue—Jones loves him and thinks he’s got the perfect temperament to be the long-term coach—but another crushing loss in a division title game for the fourth year in a row would have left ownership grasping for answers. Would Jones have considered a run at a Sean Payton or a John Harbaugh? 

Sean Payton, yes? John Harbaugh? I'm pretty sure the Ravens aren't letting Harbaugh go after the season. Though if Peter has heard there will be shakeups on the Ravens' roster, and much like he thought they wouldn't re-sign Joe Flacco two years ago, this leads him to think the Ravens will get rid of John Harbaugh.

Now Jim Harbaugh? Yes, do it. I want to see Jerry Jones work with Jim Harbaugh. This has to happen.

Doubtful, but the 38-27 win, Garrett’s biggest in his five-year tenure,

Not that Peter is being knee-jerk of course.

The AFC North. “This is the craziest division I have ever seen,” Terrell Suggs said from Baltimore Sunday.

(Bengoodfella dies of hyperbole-related symptoms)

Carolina. Derek Anderson is 2-0 against Tampa Bay this year, and that’s what has Carolina in first place in the NFC South at 5-8-1.

Skinniest kids at fat camp, people! In your face rest of the NFC South!

New Orleans re-takes first in the moribund division with a win at Chicago tonight (hardly the surest thing),

And they did.

Who will quarterback Carolina against Cleveland at home, then in the finale at Atlanta?

I DON'T KNOW! I CAN'T HANDLE THE DRAMA!

There are two options, either Cam Newton or Derek Anderson, but who knows what will happen? The NFL is SO unpredictable. It could be Steve Beuerlein! The point is, Peter doesn't know right now! It's too early to tell.

Marcus Mariota. The Jets won, meaning he doesn’t have to think of going to the vortex of pain and tabloid embarrassment that has eaten alive so many young quarterbacks. And the Bucs lost, meaning Tampa Bay is number one in line for Mariota, the Heisman winner and by far safest quarterback prospect.

Peter King, NFL Draft Scout M.D.

No one is saying it’s a cinch, but Tampa Bay—with two very good receivers, a good young tight end, a smart front office and a stay-the-course coach in Lovie Smith—gives a young quarterback as good a chance as anywhere to be able to reach his potential.

Greg Schiano would have had the Buccaneers in the Super Bowl this season if it weren't for that meddling Josh Freeman who screwed everything up.

Week 15 Losers

Green Bay. One ugly afternoon took the Packers from the two seed in the NFC to six. And it won’t be easy to get back up there. Wins in the next two games would do it, but beating Detroit at home in Week 17 means beating the team that has beaten you by 30 and 12 in your last two meetings. That last game could leave Green Bay battered, without a bye and on the road for the playoffs.

Which is the exact road they used to win the Super Bowl several years ago. Wait, am I not supposed to talk about real life and instead go into a panic about what terrible shape the Packers could be in? Gotcha.

THE PACKERS LOST! HOW WILL THEY EVER RECOVER? WHAT IF THEY HAVE TO GO ON THE ROAD IN THE PLAYOFFS? THEY'LL NEVER WIN A SUPER BOWL THAT WAY! EVERYBODY STAY CALM AND PANIC!

It's like Peter can't remember what happened just a few short years ago. Sure, the Packers want homefield advantage, but it's not like they haven't won a Super Bowl by winning on the road in the playoffs.

In all likelihood, Green Bay making the Super Bowl now depends on winning the last two and then winning at an unfriendly place like Seattle or Arizona for all the NFC marbles.

They have Aaron Rodgers. I'm not worried.

Joe Philbin. His Dolphins collapsed down the stretch last year, scoring seven points total in season-ending losses to the Bills and Jets. This year Miami has lost three of the last four, including Sunday’s no-show 41-13 loss at New England that gave the Patriots the AFC East title, again. Miami’s playoff hopes are on life support at 7-7, a month after being in the hunt at 6-4. Now the drumbeat will grow louder that owner Stephen Ross will go hard

That's disgusting Peter. This is a family column.

after Jim Harbaugh again, and is there any doubt he’d pay the compensation to San Francisco to get Harbaugh?

Oh, nevermind. Much like Peter shouldn't make knee-jerk reactions after one game, I should finish the sentence that Peter has written.

Hey, since the Cowboys may go after John Harbaugh, perhaps the Dolphins should give him a look-see too. Or the Dolphins could just go after the one that got away a few years ago, Jeff Fisher.

Johnny Manziel and hope in Cleveland. All along, Manziel held out the prospect of the big surprise, the quarterback to ride in on the steed to save the franchise. Now everyone in Cleveland is thinking, “We should have listened to Merril Hoge.” 

Manziel may be terrible, but give the guy more than one start to prove it. Geez, what's with the knee-jerk reactions and overreactions in MMQB over this past year? Maybe Peter always wrote like this and I just forgot, but he's got a severe case of overreacting this season. A team has a good/bad game and Peter either puts that team in the Super Bowl or as receiving a Top 10 pick. Give Manziel another few starts and an entire another offseason of work in the Browns' offense.

Pettine was heartbroken, which I am sure mirrored the emotion of his city. It’s another wait-till-next-year situation in Cleveland, and a cautionary tale for Manziel: Get to work. Nothing is going to be handed to you. Become a student of the game. It’s too early to write Manziel off. (Really? One game is too soon?)

Peter, you say one game is too early to write Manziel off, but you also just wrote "Now everyone in Cleveland is thinking, 'We should have listened to Merril Hoge.'" Manziel may be terrible, but one game isn't going to be the determination and saying "hope" in Cleveland is the loser in this situation is beginning to write Manziel off too early.

There will at least be a Manning-Brady XVII.

Oh thank God. I can put off jumping into a volcano for another year because I have something to live for now.

The Seattle Effect. “It’ll be interesting to see how Philadelphia comes out of the Seattle game physically,’’ said one Dallas Cowboy last week, before his team’s trip to Philadelphia for the Sunday night game. This player remembered how physically spent the Cowboys were after playing Settle earlier in the year,

I need an editor here, STAT!

The Eagles are the eighth team in a row to lose the week after playing Seattle; Philadelphia, San Francisco, Arizona, Kansas City, the New York Giants, Oakland, Carolina and St. Louis all lost the week after playing the Seahawks.

Gregg Easterbrook is totally stealing this fact for the next TMQ.

Why players want to play for Bruce Arians. The Arizona coach said this to Ryan Lindley, the backup to the backup, when No. 2 quarterback Drew Stanton went down with a knee injury Thursday night at St. Louis: “I trust you. Don’t be a game manager. Be a game winner.” Lindley didn’t play particularly well—he completed four of 10 passes in the 12-6 Arizona win—but a win’s a win,

Which is what is said when a team wins a game despite having shitty quarterback play. Yes, I'm still hating on the Cardinals' quarterback situation. Sportswriters always have to have a narrative or reason handy for why a team won and when they have no idea (it was the Cardinals' defense) they just chalk it up to nothing. A win is a win and let's give credit for Ryan Lindley for not fucking it up.

With Stanton likely out for this week and two or three more with strained knee ligaments, the Cardinals seem likely to go with Lindley, and maybe with a package of plays for the rookie quarterback who is more mobile, Logan Thomas. “We’ll figure something out,’’ said Arians. “We’ll just keep on swinging, scratching out points.” Worked pretty well so far.

But can the Cardinals win a Super Bowl with Ryan Lindley and Logan Thomas? That's all I want to know. Someone ask Bruce Arians this question.

Not a great week for the top candidates, but I’m not changing much from last week—just subbing Andrew Luck for DeMarco Murray.
 
1. Aaron Rodgers, QB, Green Bay. First mulligan since Week 3 at Detroit. I’m sticking with the best player in football as the most valuable.
 
2. J.J. Watt, DE, Houston. Now with 16.5 sacks, five in the past two weeks. Just unstoppable.

J.J. Watt will never be #1 in Peter's MVP standings. Even after last week when Peter tried to lay out a reason why Watt could win MVP, Peter lacks the intestinal fortitude to actually put Watt as his MVP. It's a bold cowardice. He gives Watt a ribbon by putting him #2, but I'll be shocked, shocked, shocked if Watt ever ends up #1 by the end of the season in Peter's MVP rankings. You know what, the Cardinals will win the Super Bowl with Drew Stanton as their quarterback before Peter King has J.J. Watt as his MVP.

Chris Harris Jr.: The Player You Need to Know This Week

Harris, who quietly has become one of the best cornerbacks in football, signed a five-year, $42.5-million contract with the Broncos late Friday,

Thank God I have been alerted to Chris Harris Jr. this week. I personally don't know any NFL players until Peter acknowledges their existence to me.

Year	LCB	RCB	Slot CB	Safety	Total snaps	Pro Football Focus CB rank
2011	41	14	463	54	572	19
2012	137	149	610	121	1,017	4
2013	252	80	642	112	1,086	10
2014	24	439	309	61	833	1
TOTAL	454	682	2,024	348	3,508	2

What makes the contract, and Harris’ play this season, all the more impressive is that eight months before opening day this fall, he wrecked his knee. In the divisional playoff game against San Diego, Harris tore the ACL in his left knee. Amazingly, 31 weeks after the Feb. 6 surgery, he suited up and played 39 of 76 snaps in the Denver season-opener. By October, he was an every-down player again.

It's amazing how medical advances have helped the human body recover so quickly from ACL tears isn't it? I say this with the slightest bit of sarcasm along with absolute zero knowledge of medicine and whether it is possible for the human body to recover from an injury in 8 months that used to take 12 months to recover from.

Getting a young cover corner for his prime seasons, and having him locked up through 2019 is a smart move by Elway. For Harris, a veteran of one knee surgery already, he gets less than he could have gotten had he ever hit the market in March … but he gets to play without worry of injury the rest of this year, and he gets to stay in Denver, where the defense fits him. 

Coming off an ACL surgery, I would personally have taken the contract. Maybe I'm not bold enough, but after having rehabbed a major knee injury, I think I'd want to get paid now just in case it happens again.

Four points to make in the wake of the new Personal Conduct Policy, the denial of the Adrian Peterson appeal, the future of football in Los Angeles, and the relationship between the players and owners:

The league hopes to hire what it is calling a special counsel for investigations and conduct to lord over the process of this new personal conduct policy. This person, likely a former judge, former prosecutor or former top law-enforcement official, will have a staff to judge early on whether a player should be taken off the field while an investigation is happening. But the process will still be fraught with difficulty. There will be false accusations, stale accusations, accusations not made that should have been made because of threats against spouses or partners. What happens during the season when a potentially serious accusation is made, and the special counsel has to decide if the player should be taken off the field immediately or allowed to play in a game that week?

It's a decent point from Peter. I think this special counsel will just err on the side of caution and remove the player from the field. These are the types of things that happen when over-correction occurs. Goodell wants to prove he cares, so he sets up a labyrinth system of checks to make sure players don't play while being accused of a crime as proof of his caring. All he's doing is taking the burden off him and placing it on someone else. That's my view.

I think Adrian Peterson should have been reinstated. When the arbitrator in the Peterson case, Harold Henderson, issued his ruling upholding Peterson’s ban Friday, a few things were given short shrift. Before this season, the suspension for domestic or family violence was never longer than two games and most often a fine or one game. Peterson is 29 years old. He will miss at least 15 games (with most of them treated as paid leave), and those are games he can never get back. He’s not like a 29-year-old teacher who can miss three months and get right back to teaching.

Yes, poor Adrian Peterson. How's he expected to make enough money to survive if he can't play football? I get that Peterson's penalty is probably too severe, but to compare Peterson to a teacher like he doesn't have enough money earned over his career to retire right now is just typical Peter King-type thinking. Yes, a teacher can get right back to teaching, but Adrian Peterson has to work hard and maybe he'll catch on with an NFL team. If this doesn't happen then he'll just go about his life with enough money to go about his life and not have to worry about working. You know, the exact opposite of what would happen to a 29 year old teacher.

It strikes me as excessive. Now: Peterson didn’t do himself any favors. He should have pled his case in the appeals process if he truly wanted to play this year. I still don’t understand why he didn’t.

Probably the same reason he beat the shit out of his kid with a switch after suffering the death of a child from a beating last season.

Regarding Los Angeles… “There’s a schism about what to do in Los Angeles,’’ said one source with knowledge of L.A. effort. “The big issue is not only whether it should be one or two teams, and where the team or teams will be, but also which franchise should get the first shot? There is sentiment that [Rams owner] Stan Kroenke shouldn’t have the first shot. The Raiders are in horrible shape. The Chargers have a terrible stadium. In St. Louis, the city is trying at least to find a solution.”

I think there should be a television show where these three teams compete to play in Los Angeles. They can each argue about how badly they are being treated by their respective cities and then a winner will be chosen by the viewing public. I like how because the Raiders are in terrible shape, this means they should get one of the first shots at playing in Los Angeles.

THE FINE FIFTEEN

1. New England (11-3). Dominating performance puts them first. Winners of nine of 10, with the narrow loss at Green Bay the only blemish. Sign of a Ridiculously Good Franchise Dept.: The Patriots won their 11th AFC East title in the past 12 seasons on Sunday.

Is the Patriot Way still working? Once the Patriots lose another football game or in the playoffs, I can't wait for this question to get asked once again.

3. Green Bay (10-4). Not to rain on the Super Bowl parade or anything, but that was the first grim performance by Aaron Rodgers in, like, forever.

So, like, that obviously means it's a sign of things to come and not an anomaly, right? Aaron Rodgers had a grim performance so that must mean the rest of his performances will be equally as grim this season. Logically.

At all. Green Bay at Tampa Bay on Sunday. Rodgers has played there twice, in 2008 and 2009. Lost twice. Completed 50 percent of his throws in the two games, with four touchdowns and six picks, and a 54.6 rating at the Pirate Ship.

And I'm sure it's the stadium and not the team that was the issue for Rodgers when he played there five and six seasons ago. Because the Buccaneers current defense directly resembles the defense they had in 2008 and 2009.

7. Detroit (10-4). Another touchdown catch for Golden Tate in the 16-14 win over Minnesota. Tate has been a total surprise. He’s going to end up with 100 receptions. (He has 91 now.) Imagine this: Tate has more catches per game, on average (6.5), than Calvin Johnson (5.6)—and that accounts for Johnson missing three games with injury. Divide Johnson’s 61 catches by 11, and Tate’s 91 catches by 14, and Tate’s been more productive per game.

Thank you for teaching your readers how to do basic division in order to get an average, Peter. God knows most of America would be lost if you weren't here to provide statistics and then explain how you arrived at those statistics. I know I read that Tate had more catches per game than Johnson on average and was all like, "HOW ON EARTH DID THIS NUMBERS WIZARD MAKE THESE MEANINGFUL STATISTICS POPULATE AS IF OUT OF THIN AIR?" Then Peter explained how to divide and it made complete sense to me.

9. Philadelphia (9-5). Bradley Cooper sure looked sad sitting in Jeffrey Lurie’s box, his beloved Philadelphia Silverliningplaybooks down 21-7 to the Cowboys in the second quarter. Cooper was dancing in the second half, but Mark Sanchez just couldn’t make enough plays to win this one.

Am I reading "US Weekly for Teens" now?

"Bradley Cooper was sad because the Eagles were losing. Spies for 'US Weekly for Teens' say that Cooper danced at one point during the game, but Hayden Panettiere's ex-boyfriend just couldn't pull the Eagles through and keep Cooper dancing. Observers said that Cooper looked to be having a good time and took pictures with fans."

10. Cincinnati (9-4-1). No idea how I rate the Bengals two slots higher than Pittsburgh, which beat Cincinnati by 21 in Ohio last week. It’s just about a week-to-week coin flip right now.

Peter King's Fine Fifteen rankings everyone! They mean nothing, but Peter still feels the need to write them every week. This column isn't going to bloat itself you know.

14. Kansas City (8-6). Broke a three-game skid with a rout of the Raiders. One of the strangest stats in recent history—a team can be 8-6 in this era of football with no touchdowns caught by a wideout—has surprisingly not crippled the Chiefs, though Dwayne Bowe’s ho-hum season is a major surprise.

Bowe's ho-hum season is a surprise with a quarterback who can't throw a touchdown to a receiver as the one tossing him the pigskin? Otherwise, is Bowe's season a surprise? He hasn't exceeded 1,000 yards receiving since 2011.

Coaches of the Week

Bruce Arians, head coach, Arizona. Not to make these awards a clean Cardinal sweep, but to have the Arizona Cardinals tied for the best record in the NFL after 15 weeks, with Drew Stanton and Ryan Lindley playing quarterback, and hanging in to beat a St. Louis team that had won the previous two games by shutout … well, you can see why Arians is so revered inside the Cardinals’ building and outside the building by a growing legion of fans.

Coach of the Year should be Arians' for the taking. Of course I have to piss on this win a little bit. The Cardinals only had 274 yards of offense and the Rams didn't exactly light up the scoreboard either. Six of the points the Cardinals scored were the result of a fumble by the Rams and a 36-yard pass interference call that put the Cardinals right in field goal range. I'm not taking anything away from them, but the Cardinals had to settle for field goals all night. I'm very worried about them in the playoffs if they don't score touchdowns.

My point is that the Cardinals are averaging 12.8 points and 289 yards per game (If I were Peter King, I would explain to you how I got an average) in the five games since Carson Palmer went down for the season. The 289 yards per game would put the Cardinals at 31st in the NFL in total offense, just above the Raiders, and 12.8 points per game would put them 32nd in the NFL in scoring per game. That's not going to win a Super Bowl, especially with a banged-up defense. Arians deserves Coach of the Year, but the Cardinals are in deep shit if they can't muster up more offense.

Goat of the Week

Johnny Manziel, quarterback, Cleveland.

I'm not going to defend Manziel's performance, but this seems a little unfair. It was his first start in the NFL and he went against a reasonably good Bengals defense. Calling him a "goat" seems like the type of knee-jerk conclusion that Peter warns his readers against reaching.

First time in memory I had Goat of the Week locked at 2:23 p.m. Eastern Time. 

Remember this is the same guy who wrote it was too early to write Manziel off. It took Peter less than an hour and a half into the Week 15 games to decide who the "Goat of the Week" will be.

This game showed many things, among them that Manziel had better start spending a lot more time studying his craft. The entire game had the feel of fool’s gold, with the Browns, for the moment, feeling fooled by Manziel in his first NFL start. He was 10 of 18 for 80 yards, with no touchdowns and two picks, a 27.3 rating … with just 13 yards rushing on five scrambles. An awful opener for the 22nd pick in the 2014 draft.

Of course if the Browns had won the game then "a win is a win" and Manziel would be praised for doing something right. It doesn't matter really. It was one game and there is a reason the Browns didn't have Manziel start the season at quarterback.

For the Baltimore Ravens to be 9-5 this morning, and for the franchise to be in position to win its third AFC North title in four years, is a pretty amazing thing, considering 17 of the 22 starters from the team that won the Super Bowl 22 months ago are new.

I'm still laughing at the "changes" being alluded to by the Ravens organization after winning the Super Bowl which Peter took to believe the Ravens may not be interested in re-signing Joe Flacco. I think everyone except Peter knew this meant the team would part ways with older players and start over at several positions on the roster. But now, Peter is all like, "LOOK AT HOW THE RAVENS TURNED THEIR ROSTER OVER!" as if this weren't the plan the Ravens had all along. Kudos to the Ravens for making it work so far, but I still chuckle a bit at Peter's misunderstanding of what these changes and difficult decisions really meant.

Super Bowl XLVII Starters		2014 Week 14 Starters
	OFFENSE
Torrey Smith	WR	Torrey Smith
Anquan Boldin	WR	Marlon Brown
Jacoby Jones	WR	Steve Smith
Bryant McKinnie	T	Eugene Monroe
Kelechi Osemele	G	Kelechi Osemele
Matt Birk	C	Jeremy Zuttah
Marshal Yanda	G	Marshal Yanda
Michael Oher	T	Rick Wagner
Joe Flacco	QB	Joe Flacco
Ray Rice	RB	Justin Forsett
Vonta Leach	FB/TE	Owen Daniels
	DEFENSE
Terrell Suggs	Rusher	Terrell Suggs
Haloti Ngata	DL	Elvis Dumervil
Arthur Jones	DL	Chris Canty
Ma’ake Kemoeatu	DL	Brandon Williams
Dannell Ellerbe	LB	C.J. Mosley
Ray Lewis	LB	Daryl Smith
Courtney Upshaw	LB/S	Jeromy Miles
Corey Graham	CB	Asa Jackson
Cary Williams	CB	Lardarius Webb
Ed Reed	FS	Will Hill
Bernard Pollard	SS	Matt Elam

The Ravens saw a chance with the retirement of veterans like Ray Lewis and the pending free agency of Ed Reed to remake the team. They have done a really good job so far. But still, I chuckle at what Peter thought the remaking of the Ravens' roster meant.

Rambo has out-Ramboed Rambo
— Sam Farmer (@LATimesfarmer) December 14, 2014

I don't know why Peter felt this should be considered a "Tweet of the Week." It doesn't make sense, because Rambo is a fictional ex-Vietnam vet who killed people in movies trying to save others, while Bacarri Rambo is a football player. It just doesn't make sense AND seems to lack a little funny.

TEN THINGS I THINK I THINK

1. I think this is what I liked about Week 15:

b. Detroit safety Glover Quin, the Pro Bowl protester, with a vital interception of Teddy Bridgewater.

c. And a beautiful interception by Darius Slay, also off Bridgewater.

Mike Mayock was right! Teddy Bridgewater just absolutely sucks.

f. Eight sacks by the Ravens. Timmy Jernigan, Pernell McPhee … you have officially been introduced to America.

Yep, I knew who they were prior to this introduction when they were attending Mississippi State and Florida State. But now that Peter has mentioned them and helped introduce them to America, I guess they officially now exist.

s. Josh McCown making it a game, late, in Carolina.

I don't understand what this means. Tampa Bay scored 10 points in the first half and 7 in the second half. I guess that Peter likes how Josh McCown ran the final drive of the game for the Buccaneers when Carolina was happy to watch the Buccaneers eat clock up while trying to score. If anything, Peter should like McCown's scrambling ability for the touchdown. Maybe THAT is what Peter is referring to here.

2. I think this is what I didn’t like about Week 15:

a. Johnny Football.

You don't say? Why hasn't Peter mentioned this in MMQB before now?

i. For his talent, Andrew Luck makes some dumb throws.

Skip Bayless wants to know why Peter King is putting Andrew Luck in the Hall of Fame already? Because one time in a bowl game, Brandon Weeden played as well as Andrew Luck did. So there's that and it definitely means something.

Nobody is supposed to talk about Andrew Luck making dumb throws. It's against the rules, plus he has 38 touchdown passes this year, so that sort of overshadows the bad throws.

l. Here’s the deal, Bucs: You put either the entire throwback uniform on, or the modern one. You can’t mix them. Orange socks do not go with a red and white uniform.

Peter King, Fashion Maven M.D.

3. I think I have a difficult question for you in the Bay Area to answer this morning: Which 36^th overall pick in the draft would you rather build your franchise around: Colin Kaepernick (2011) or Derek Carr (2014)? I think there would have been no question about that in August. Slam dunk. But with Kaepernick’s maturation as a player put in serious questions this season, now it’s a contest.

I wonder how Ron Jaworski feels about Colin Kaepernick now? I'm not sure I wouldn't choose Kaepernick to be the quarterback I build the franchise around. I will have to see more about David Carr. That's the fun part about questions like this. They can change from year-to-year...or month-to-month as the case may be with Peter.

4. I think when we hear about knee surgeries, we just assume that players go in and have the surgery done and in seven or eight months they’ll be as good as new...As concerning, or more so, is the microfracture surgery for Houston rookie pass-rusher Jadeveon Clowney. Microfracture is no slam-dunk, especially for a speed rusher.

I'm telling you, Jadeveon Clowney is well on his way to being Josh Freeman'd by Peter King. It's starting already. He's calling Clowney a "speed rusher" and is preparing for him to never be the same again after microfracture surgery.

Indianapolis tackle Gosder Cherilus, who has had the surgery, told the Indianapolis Star of Clowney: “He’s screwed. His game is all about explosion. That’s a problem. I’m out there dancing. I’m an offensive lineman. That’s a different ballgame. He’s screwed. I’m just being honest.” The Texans have to be concerned about whether Clowney can come back to be the same player, regardless what they say publicly.

No Peter, I bet the Texans aren't concerned at all about their top pick needing major knee surgery. They probably are laughing about it right now and making jokes to each other about the situation.

Peter is getting ready for Clowney to be a bust as the #1 overall draft pick. I can feel it in my bones.

9. I think this is why the crown-of-the-helmet-into-Russell Wilson was called Sunday, giving the Seahawks a fresh set of downs at a critical time late in their win over the Niners: Prohibited contact against a defenseless player, which includes a player in the act of passing or just after releasing a pass, came into play on this call. Wilson, in this case, was a defenseless player.

I don't know. The NFL does a lot to protect quarterbacks and I get the point, but sometimes it annoys me. Derek Anderson got a hand to the facemask on Sunday and a penalty was called. He was hit in the face, but it certainly didn't seem like it hurt or put his health in danger. So in the situation Peter is describing, it seemed pretty close to a penalty on the 49ers defender, but it's nearly impossible to tell for sure.

According to strict interpretation of the rules: “Lowering the head and making forcible contact with the top/crown or forehead/”hairline” parts of the helmet against any part of the defenseless player’s body” is illegal. The officials ruled Wilson was struck with the helmet either at the hairline or crown level. It’s close, very close. I watched the replay at least 10 times and it’s hard to tell if the helmet was in the right position or not.

Maybe the NFL should make penalties like this reviewable since it had an impact on the game. Hell, just make everything reviewable.

10. I think these are my non-NFL thoughts of the week:

g. Re the SONY hack: I have changed my email password six times in the last week. And I believe it doesn’t matter.

Wouldn't it be fun to read emails that are leaked from Peter King's inbox? I'm sure there is some haughty and uppity shit that he leaves out of MMQB, but he shared with friends and family. I imagine Peter has some email screeds about people who take too long to order at Starbucks or wonder why everyone slows down to look at Christmas lights. Those leaked emails would be interesting to read. I wonder how many he gets from Brett Favre in a given month?

h. Really bright to skip your team’s fan festival, Bryce Harper, because of a contract dispute. That scores lots of points with fans.

Welp, he got a two year contract extension and they love him again.

i. The Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year event last Tuesday was memorable.

Naming Madison Bumgarner "Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year" is a very "Sports Illustrated" thing for them to do.

k. Coffeenerdness: Here’s what I don’t get when I bring my reusable grande cup into Starbucks and ask for a triple grande macchiato:

Seriously, imagine the shit that Peter King writes which he doesn't share with the general public. It probably makes inconsequential bitching like what you are about to read look like a major conflict that must immediately be resolved.

Most baristas take a small cup, brew the three shots of espresso, pour them on top of the foamed milk, then throw the little cup away. Not using the normal espresso shot glasses sort of defeats the purpose of using the same grande cup over and over, right?

Yes, it might defeat the purpose. Wouldn't the barista have to constantly wash the espresso shot glasses over and over after using them though? Wouldn't this require wasting water to do AND it could also cause there to be a backup during peak times because Starbucks doesn't have a hundred espresso shot glasses they can use for this purpose?

I think Peter should take this issue up with Starbucks. I'm sure they will put it at the top of their priority list.

l. Beernerdness: Don’t have a new beer for you this week, but I will throw in my vote for the best $25-or-under Cabernet Sauvignon out there: Simi Alexander Valley Cab.

The best $25-or-under Cabernet Sauvignon, huh? It's for those middle class people who read Peter's column that may not want to spend more than $25 on a bottle of wine. After all, Peter hears that some people in the United States have a budget they stick to, so they have to go for the cheaper wines, like something under $25.

I simply love that Peter recommends a wine under $25. I can't figure out if he thinks that this is a "budget" wine or what. Seriously, 97% of the wine sold is under $10 and Peter is giving tips for $25-and-under wines. I'm not sure when the last time he lived in the real world was.

o. Perfect metaphor for the New York Mets: While much of the rest of baseball made mega moves at the winter meetings last week, the Mets signed a platoon outfielder (maybe) who batted .212 for Toronto and Philadelphia last year, John Mayberry.

Remember the big moves the Royals and Giants made last year prior to and during the winter meetings? Oh, you don't? It's probably because this isn't the best way to determine which team will have success during the upcoming season.

p. Re the Red Sox: I have tremendous respect for Jon Lester, and gratitude for what he has done for the franchise. But I’m very much on board with not paying a pitcher who will be 31 in January $26 million a year for six years … I do not support paying Cole Hamels $22 million a year for the next five years plus the surrender of two prime prospects … I’d wait for a Johnny Cueto type in free agency next year, when the pitching crop will be richer, or at the trading deadline this year

How much money does Peter think Johnny Cueto is going to try and get in free agency? He'll be 29 years old when he signs his next contract and he's made 30+ career starts in five of his seven seasons, plus statistically he's only improving. How much money does Peter think Cueto is going to fetch if he has another season like his 2014 season? I'm guessing he's going to try and get somewhere around $22 million per year.

Who I Like Tonight

Chicago 24, New Orleans 20. Though I have no idea why.

Thanks for contributing.

The Adieu Haiku
Aaron Kromer blabs. Cutler forgives. So he says.
Forget? No way, Jay.

Why should Cutler forget? Sure, the Bears may regret that contract extension, but to have his offensive coordinator be the source for this report? That's bullshit and something close to career suicide. Fortunately for Kromer, it happened to Jay Cutler so the media isn't going to go to bat for him. If this happens to a more well-liked quarterback you can bet it would be more than a footnote in Peter's Adieu Haiku. Peter would go all-in on Kromer if he was the source bashing a quarterback that Peter and the media really likes.