Jay Mariotti Writes Another Introductory Column for a Media Outlet Which Will Soon Get Tired of His Bullshit

As I detailed previously, Jay Mariotti has somehow managed to get another job writing. That means there is another introductory column that must be written. At this point, there is a template for what Jay will write in his introductory column (which, of course, won't stop me from covering this introductory column on this site):

1. He's not changed. He's still a rebel and will always do things his way.

2. He then proceeds to bash previous employers.

3. He tells the truth (from his own delusional point of view). That's all he's ever done.

4. He'll say there were too many corporate interests at his previous job and that's why he did the morally correct thing and beat a woman quit the job.

5. He's independent and proud of it. Mostly he's independent because nobody fucking likes him and therefore nobody wants to be around him.

6. He pled no contest to hitting a woman but he totally didn't do it. He only pled no contest because the criminal justice system is against rich, white men and his name would have been dragged through the mud. He didn't want his family to hear the bad things (all lies of course) that would be said about him, so he pled no contest for their sake. Apparently his family doesn't have the Internet, because there's very little positive said about Jay from former co-workers and anyone else who has ever met him.

7. He'll the tickle the taint of the local professional sports market in the hopes of gaining some converts before everyone hates him again.

Here is Jay's semi-annual introductory column for the "San Francisco Examiner." I can't wait to read his new introductory column after the "Examiner" tires of his constant antagonism and bullshit. And they will tire of him, because Jay Mariotti is the absolute fucking worst.

In the lobby of the Twitter building, which is near the Uber building and the Dolby building and a residential tower where $5,500 a month will get you 969 square feet and a parking spot, I visit a gourmet market that makes Saison look like Burger King. I examine a $75 bottle of 2007 Fiorita Brunello, check out a $67 jug of French lavender shampoo, consider a $130 slab of Jamon Iberico Pata Negra ("pure acorn fed Iberian pigs")

ALL OF WHICH JAY MARIOTTI CAN AFFORD! (Jay Mariotti continues swinging his dick around in the lobby of the Twitter building to the horror of bystanders)

and settle for a $6 ice cream cone. 

I'll just assume "$6 ice cream cone" is code for "a hand job from a hooker with herpes on her upper lip and two broken fingers."

Then I stroll outside, absorb the glory of a blue-skies-and-71 afternoon, head across Ninth Street ... and have to weave and shake like Steph Curry to avoid a fresh puddle of bubbly urine.

Jay mentioned a local hero. He's just like YOU! Love him, please. Adore him, he begs of you. He understands your local sports teams and his name-dropping of Steph Curry proves this.

And Jay Mariotti trying to avoid stepping in a puddle of urine is very metaphorical and would only be more metaphorical if Mariotti put the urine in a bottle, threw it on passing pedestrians and then found a way to make it seem like they were in the wrong for being angry at him as he cowered in one of the restrooms in the Uber building. 

That shower, truth be told, is among many reasons San Francisco is the best place to write in our thrive-or-die republic. It was left by a shouting homeless man whose pants are undone, one of thousands whose blighted survivalism is juxtaposed against the backdrop of the city's new rich. For a writer, this social clash is literary gold.

This is Jay's feeble attempt at "real" writing. As usual, it fails.

I said as much to my new editor-in-chief at the Examiner — "You should have someone just walking up and down Market Street every day" — and, for a moment, I thought I should be the man for that beat.

Jay just wants to roam the streets all day looking for another hand job from a hooker with herpes on her upper lip and two broken fingers. He can't fool me. 

But I am not here to cover gentrification and other ongoing dramas in the most complex and compelling of American cities.

Which is something that Jay has said similar about Chicago and Los Angeles. I'm not saying he beat that woman, but he does have a habit of journalistically saying "You know I love you baby, because you are such a special city" and then journalistically punching that city in the mouth on his way out of town.

After a career intermission that had more to do with catching my breath — roughly 7,000 columns and 1,700 ESPN TV appearances, hundreds of radio shows, 14 Olympic Games, 24 Super Bowls, travel to five continents —

Here comes the justifications again. Jay Mariotti wasn't really fired from ESPN for his legal troubles. His Sports Talk Florida site didn't fail miserably while other sports journalists that Jay compares himself to being on par with had their site succeed, it's just that he WANTED to take some time off. Jay is glad he got fired from ESPN, because he was completely looking to take some time off from his career anyway. If Jay has to beat the shit out of someone to get another career break, then it will be totally worth it to him. It's not that his promised multi-media platform at Sports Talk Florida failed, it's that they didn't support him the way he needed to be supported. Not to mention, Jay really wanted to take a break from his career. You know, even though he stated he had just taken a break from his career in his introductory column at Sports Talk Florida.

than a recklessly reported legal case,

Haha...okay, Jay. Keep blaming the media you work for. Keep blaming those who jump to conclusions just like you have jumped to conclusions during your entire career. You are always the victim. There isn't a cross big enough for you to martyr yourself upon, as you have been done so wrong by the legal system and the media.

Last time I had the potential for this much fun, Snoop Dogg was staring me down before an "Around The Horn" taping, saying, "Who do you think you is?"

Last time Jay had this much fun he was working for the company that he tried to work for again but they wouldn't take him back. But it's okay, because Jay is delusional and has convinced himself a break was good for him.

Who do I think I is?

I'm the Diddy by the Bay.

God, you are the fucking worst.

San Francisco has been the place for flower children, poets, gold-rushers, tech dreamers, drifters, politicos, and reinventists. Now, I dare say, this is the place for sportswriters. In Chicago, a previous stop of 17 years, I often bemoaned lousy owners and bad teams who were in bed with corrupt media, including two baseball franchises that have won one World Series over a collective 203 seasons.

The Chicago baseball franchises weren't successful enough to support a sportswriter of Jay's vast abilities. He can't have the failures of the Chicago baseball teams drag him down like the big mean American legal system dragged him down.

Here, the Warriors play the most exciting basketball on the planet, led by the incomparable Curry, whose swag and splash on the court are matched by his decorum and charity work off it (as His Barackness quickly figured out and glommed onto). Here, the formerly regal 49ers are in a chaotic and cursed freefall, thanks to a front office that (1) allowed internal politics and professional resentment to subvert Jim Harbaugh's ultra-successful reign; (2) chose a curious successor in tongue-tied, unproven Jim Tomsula; (3) absorbed a mass exodus of high-character leaders; and (4) watched helplessly as Chris Borland, my early leader for Sportsman of the Year, prioritized his long-term wellness over his prowess as a 24-year-old linebacker.

Oh, Jay has a vote for Sportsman of the Year? Wait, no he doesn't have a vote. So whoever the fuck is his "early leader" for this award doesn't matter one damn bit because he doesn't get a vote. It's like if I stated who my early leader for an Academy Award was. No one gives a shit because I don't get a vote.

Here, you have David Shaw, the coach the 49ers should have hired, mixing football prominence with Stanford's cooler-than-Harvard academic boom.

The 49ers should have hired David Shaw, regardless of whether he wanted to be hired by the 49ers or not. David Shaw is Jay's early leader for Time Man of the Year, so it would have been smart for the 49ers to hire him.

And what is coming next winter? Did you say the Super Bowl? Imagine life as the first city to win a World Series, win an NBA Finals and host a Super Bowl in a 15-month period.

Imagine the Raiders building a new stadium and Jay Mariotti being buried beneath it. In 15 months, that will be the real dream for citizens of the San Francisco area.

Amid those possibilities, I arrive as the sports director and lead columnist at the Examiner, which makes me a management guy for the first time and probably sparks visions of Bart Simpson being handed keys to the corporate bathroom.

A Bart Simpson reference from Jay Mariotti. It's always 1998 in the delusional, ego-driven world that Jay Mariotti lives in.

Someone suggested I print Zuckerberg-like business cards — "I'm Sports Director, Bitch" — but a wiser idea is putting together smart, gritty, daily sports coverage

It looks like auto-correct changed "shitty, daily sports coverage" to "gritty, daily sports coverage." I think the "Examiner" readers will understand what Jay really meant after they read his columns.

My mission statement as a columnist, and as an editor by extension, is fierce independence.

Jay's message as an editor, columnist and part of the "Examiner" team is "Fuck you, he isn't a part of a team, because he's better than you (starts listing how many Super Bowls he's covered while leaving out how many bridges he's burned)."

We will be big on topicality, immediacy, and perspective. On my watch, we will not drive traffic with trash,

The only conclusion I can draw from Mariotti insisting the "Examiner" won't drive traffic with trash is that Jay Mariotti plans on firing himself. What's really funny is the "Examiner" hired Mariotti AS the trash that drives traffic. As usual, Mariotti isn't self-aware enough to realize traffic won't be driven with trash columns because he is the trash that drives traffic.

I'll repeat what I've placed on my personal site — jaymariotti.com — for some time:

The legal system is really mean and biased against white men, so you would rather plead guilty and be known as the guy who admitted to hitting a woman rather than spend all the money you most certainly have to fight the charges that you so strongly insist were false?

Translation: No one is telling me what to write or say.

Except for the voices in Jay's head that have convinced him he is a good person and his writing isn't the crap that drives traffic to sites. These voices are most certainly telling Jay what to write or say. It's either listen to them or face the reality that nobody fucking likes him and he only gets hired when a media outlet is so desperate for pageviews they have to dig to (ahem) the bottom of the sportswriting barrel.

It wasn't that way at ESPN — where the North Carolina academic-fraud scandal hasn't been attacked with nearly the energy of other sports investigations, perhaps because the company president is a Tar Heel. We were told to reserve comments on our TV show when the network was cutting a massive college football deal or doing urgent soccer business. In Chicago radio, I was ordered to sign a form promising I wouldn't criticize the White Sox and Bulls — the station was trying to do a rights-fee deal with the teams' insufferable owner, Jerry Reinsdorf — and when I refused, I was fired the day after Christmas.

Notice how Jay always paints himself as the guy standing up for the morally correct thing. Jay didn't plead no contest to hitting a woman, he plead no contest only because the court system is so corrupt and pleading this way was the only way to save his reputation by ruining it. Jay wasn't fired from this ESPN job due to bad performance or the fact nobody fucking likes him, but he was fired because he refused to have his strict moral compass pointing away from the journalistic integrity that he believes he stands for. There's always a reason why Jay has failed and it's always because he was doing the right thing when the world is inevitably conspiring against him.

At the Chicago Sun-Times, I was told to avoid certain Reinsdorf-related topics and rip the Cubs at will (they were owned then by the rival Tribune) when I wasn't being threatened in press boxes by wacko colleagues, forearm-shivered against a wall by an editor-in-chief, navigating through a cesspool where the paper's top two executives wound up in jail or dealing with a national firestorm after the White Sox manager, twice-since-fired Ozzie Guillen, called me a "(bleeping) fag."

Interesting that Mariotti won't write "fucking" but has no issue with writing "fag." I don't know, it seems like both are words that probably wouldn't need to be printed.

He did so while criticizing me for not going to his clubhouse, conveniently disregarding that too many visits had become setups in which someone would try to start an incident with me, creating news I did not wish to make.

The news that Jay wished to make at the time was threaten Ozzie Guillen in print and then stay tucked away safely in his office. But of course Jay was the one being threatened and his cowardice to back up his words with actions was only him taking the high road. Jay doesn't want to get in a fight with a man, he only fights women, and so he was just taking the high road by cowering behind the words written in his column.

No intimidation tactic stopped me from writing what the hell I wanted, until I realized in 2008 that a dysfunctional paper had no real future,

Actually, you indicated at the time that all newspapers don't have a future. Let's not revise history to cover up for the fact that you are, again, working at a newspaper in an industry that you once so confidently stated had no future. Upon leaving the "Sun-Times" you indicated newspapers were dying and that's why you were leaving. Yet, here you are seven years later suckling back at the newspaper teat until they get rid of your ass and you decide newspapers are dying again.

prompting me to hand back a million bucks in guaranteed money and resign peacefully. 

A million dollars? I've never seen a million dollars before. Boy, that sure is a lot of money for Jay to give back and must mean he was in the right! No one would give up that amount of money unless he/she had a really good reason!

Not dealing with it well, the paper had Roger Ebert, the legendary film critic, call me "a rat" in an open letter.

Let's revisit that letter, which puts in writing what many of Jay's co-workers and former co-workers think about him.

And notice in the introduction it's made perfectly clear that Jay said newspapers were dead, not that the "Sun-Times" specifically was dead. It's amazing to me how Jay can just ignore things that don't conveniently match his assertions. He's really a horrible person. It's why I don't believe he didn't hit that woman and I pretty much believe nothing he writes. He's a liar and bad person. Too many people have testified to this fact over the years.

And yes, I will always side with Roger Ebert on matters that involve Jay Mariotti.

I weighed offers and signed a deal as national columnist at America Online, one of those web initiatives that talked big, threw money at dozens of writers, then cut bait — as it struck a content deal with Arianna Huffington.

And again, as is the trend, Jay didn't do anything wrong and he was done wrong in some fashion. It's not that he failed at AOL or the job he was doing wasn't enough to financially satisfy AOL, it's that they cut a content deal with Arianna Huffington. Because most companies will ruin a successful business venture just for the sake of cutting a deal. Jay did nothing wrong and his performance was exemplary as always. Most writers of Jay's self-believed stature would be highly sought after, but Jay wasn't. One would think that the writing industry would know he got a raw deal at the "Sun-Times" and AOL, then sign him up to write for them. After all, it wasn't Jay's fault things didn't work out at those two media outlets, so the offers should come rolling in, right? Well, no...

I wrote a book, then tried a national writing-and-radio content site only to realize such "boutique" destinations need constant investment infusions from entrepreneurs.

They need constant investment infusions from entrepreneurs because Jay's radio show and columns weren't bringing in enough money. That's why Sports Talk Florida failed, because Jay has quickly become relevant only when it comes to hating him. Otherwise, he's not taken seriously and no one fucking likes him.

So Jay really didn't think that Sports Talk Florida would take constant infusions of money to become as big as Grantland? Really? He is that stupid as to think Grantland would succeed if ESPN money and the writing staff assembled for Grantland wasn't part of the project? Jay's ego is so big he thought he could build a Grantland-type site all by himself? It turns out that Jay is as smart of a businessman as he is a liar when it comes to explaining his past failures and actions.

The internet has enabled too much irresponsibility and ignorance. A business that is wilder and younger still must have professional standards, or it becomes an Alfred E. Neuman self-parody that no one takes seriously and has the believability of a seventh-grade bathroom wall.

I'm choking on irony here. It's like hearing Westboro Baptist preach about love and acceptance of others, no matter the differences we all have. Jay Mariotti's writing is a self-parody that nobody takes seriously and displays so much ignorance. Check the archives on this site for proof. He's good to hate and for pageviews, but even after a while those pageviews decrease because Jay has nothing to offer in terms of sportswriting abilities.

To recap, I was accused of domestic violence offenses I did not commit by a plaintiff who tried, without success, to win a financial reward in a civil suit. Not only did that suit fail quickly, the original case was dismissed and expunged ("Not guilty," read the court documents), which means there was no conviction. Expungements, as The New York Times recently noted, are issued rarely and with considerable diligence.

And yet, Jay pled no contest. The original case was dismissed and expunged, but he still pled no contest.

I've maintained my innocence from the start, never acknowledged guilt, and only pleaded no contest four years ago because coverage of the case was absurdly one-sided against me and littered with false allegations published as facts.

Who will stand up for the rich, white males of society?

Pleading no contest allowed me to save the half-million dollars (or more) in additional legal fees required in a Los Angeles court proceeding so I could keep my youngest daughter in college, important when ESPN played judge and jury from 3,000 miles away and removed me from its TV show without contacting me or my attorney.

Boy, the million dollars in guarantees Jay gave up from the "Sun-Times" really would have come in handy right about this point wouldn't it? I guess this is the price Jay pays for having such a strict moral compass.

Know this: Just because someone is accused doesn't mean he is guilty, and just because one pleads no contest doesn't mean he is acknowledging guilt. I did not hit anyone. I did not stalk anyone. I do not hit or stalk people.

Right, pleading no contest isn't acknowledging guilt, it's just acknowledging that you probably can't win the case. And of course, it's not because the evidence was against Jay that he couldn't win the case, but because the judicial system is conspiring against him that he couldn't win the case. He's ever the martyr.

No one abhors domestic violence more than I, as the father of two amazing grown daughters who never were exposed to it, and no one was more disgusted by the Ray Rice video last year — not only the sheer hideousness but the chilling reality that every public figure accused of this crime, whether that person is guilty or not, is bound to be associated with Rice.

Typical Jay Mariotti. Jay doesn't give a shit about Janay Rice, instead he's disgusted by the fact the video of Ray Rice striking his fiance (now wife) will make people recall he pled no contest to domestic violence and ponder hypothetically what happened in that situation which resulted in a no contest plea. Jay Mariotti only gives a shit about Jay Mariotti. The Ray Rice case was about him and Janay Rice getting hit was only relevant in how it reflected on Jay Mariotti.

Since the announcement of my appointment at the Examiner, how many news outlets have written about the expungement even after the Chronicle grudgingly reported it? None that I've seen.

Jay, you are reaping what you have sown. If you treat people like shit, then people are going to treat you like shit. No one in the media gives a shit about your expungement because nobody fucking likes you. This is all the bad shit you have done in your life coming right back at you. You can keep taking a piss on others while are at a job and after you have left that job, but at some point it's someone else's turn to take a piss on you. Hope you enjoyed it. You reap what you sow, you get treated as you treat others. If you want others to treat you fairly, try treating others fairly.

But the good news is this gives Jay another chance to play the martyr. It's not his fault he's treated his colleagues like shit through the years. Why won't the big, bad media do their job and correct the misconception? Why? Because nobody fucking likes him.

I'd suggest media outlets require all writers and editors to take law classes.

Since Jay is an editor now, he can force the "Examiner" staff to take law classes. Then he can not attend those classes himself because he's fiercely independent.

We will cover media, including ESPN, when necessary for our readers. We will be fair, but we won't tolerate amateurs and arrogance — such as, ESPN's sneaky habit of taking credit for stories first broken by other outlets. I cast a critical eye at the media behemoth long before I worked there,

Oh yes, Jay was working and collecting a paycheck for ESPN, but he ALWAYS HAD HIS EYE ON THEM! Thank God that Jay Mariotti is around to collect a huge paycheck from ESPN and make sure the company stays on their toes. He's the undercover ombudsman ESPN didn't even know it had.

wasn't allowed to when I did work there for eight years, and will continue to do so now, understanding the network's powerful, all-encompassing place in sports and how it impacts fans.

But let's be factual and out of fantasy land for a second. This "behemoth" that Jay talks about, he was in talks to work there again and doesn't mind doing freelance writing for ESPN. If ESPN called tomorrow and offered him a job then he would leave the "Examiner" in a heartbeat to work for ESPN. As I have shown previously, Jay will always bash previous employers or companies that won't hire him. Then he forgets he bashed these companies once they choose to hire him. Jay was casting a critical eye as the undercover ombudsman and was only trying to write freelance for ESPN (I guess that's what it was, he only wrote one column) just to get closer to the behemoth he didn't trust.

It has been fun getting away from this psycho media swirl and discovering new peeps in California

You should be dragged behind a team of wild horses for writing "discovering new peeps."

The Chronicle reporter asked me if I understood the "political atmosphere in San Francisco." All I know about the atmosphere is that the Warriors have an easier path to the NBA Finals by avoiding Kevin Durant in the first round, the Giants already are down Hunter Pence in a dreaded odd-numbered year, and the 49ers are looking dumb and doomed.

Oh man, Jay is REALLY going to bash the 49ers. Pretty soon Jay will be hiding behind his desk as Jim Tomsula threatens his physical well-being.

Recently, I spoke to a media class at Northwestern University. Most questions were about how to find a job in today's tight market.

Be sure everyone hates you, ensure your writing serves as a temporary fix for what ails the paper, then take a huge shit on all your co-workers as you walk out the door for what you will insist is a better job.

I told the students to practice their writing, video, and audio crafts every day, on their own websites and blogs, and that if they can withstand rejection and pain, the business remains very satisfying and worthwhile. I said I've had good reasons to try other life options, but that I'd decided to accept a terrific job in a spectacular city after a few challenging moments.

Oh, a terrific newspaper job! A job with the newspaper industry that Jay described as dying a short seven years ago. Weird how that works.

Sometimes, you just have to step around some pee to appreciate the $6 ice cream cone.

And sometimes you have to hire a guy who will pee on you and your paper's reputation in order to get short-term pageviews. Welcome back Jay! Now go away.