Welp, Jay Cutler is More Like Tim Tebow and That's Not Good Enough for Rick Telander

You may remember a few weeks ago when Rick Telander wrote that he thought Jay Cutler should be more like Tim Tebow. Because, you know, Cutler is "an effective quarterback" and all of that. Well, it turns out that Jay Cutler has shown up to Bears training camp with big muscles and smiling in a picture. In a not-so-shocking twist of events, this isn't good enough for Rick Telander. It never is. That's the secret behind columns written with the premise of something like, "Coach X needs to address the media about Controversy Y." What the sports media really means is they want Coach X to have a press conference under the guise of "clearing things up around the controversy" when it's really just an excuse for the sports media to use their bully pulpit to ask the coach questions and continue to pass their judgment on in the form of a column. The guise is that opinions could change if the coach just speaks to the controversy publicly, much like Chip Kelly "should" speak to the accusations of racism, but those opinions aren't going to change. It's just an excuse to bait the coach into creating a media feeding frenzy.

When Rick Telander wrote "Jay Cutler should be like Tim Tebow" what he really meant was "Cutler needs to work harder and be nicer, but that's still not going to change my perception of him. But hey, he could try and that would allow me to churn a column or two out on the topic." It's the game the New York media played with A-Rod. "A-Rod should speak to his suspension and apologize at a press conference!" Why? So you have an exciting press conference to cover? Otherwise, there is no point.

So here is Rick not fooled by the "new" Cutler that he requested Jay become.

So we have a new Bears head coach 

A head coach that Rick became increasingly depressed about the Bears hiring.

and a new offensive coordinator and a new and wonderful wide receiver (Kevin White, whom no one has seen actually practice).

Oh no! No one has seen Kevin White practice and it seems the whole "Is Odell Beckham a huge bust?" idiocy from last year has been forgotten by Rick Telander. Being injured doesn't necessarily mean anything. That's my point.

So naturally we have a new quarterback.

(Rick Telander) "Jay Cutler needs to change who he is to be more like Tim Tebow."

(Rick Telander) "Jay Cutler has changed himself. I'll mock him for doing this now. Check out all this sarcasm I'm using, it's just like the sarcasm the kids use!"

Hello, Jay Cutler!

Jay had a bad year last year and he's trying to turn himself around. Let's mock him for it. 

So how is the 32-year old quarterback, now in his 10th NFL season, seventh with Bears, with his fifth offensive coordinator in seven years, abruptly new?

I like how Rick uses the word "abruptly" here. Rick wants Jay Cutler to change, Cutler appears to change and Rick is all like, "Whoa! Hey buddy, slow down with these abrupt changes. At least change at a slower rate so we can all keep up." 

Why, he looks rugged and jacked, 

Rugged and jacked like Tim Tebow!

and he hasn’t thrown an interception in practice,

I'm not a Cutler defender necessarily, but the fact he hasn't thrown an interception in practice is anecdotal evidence that Bears fans can somewhat be happy that the offense Adam Gase has installed is going to work for Cutler. I know it's fun to be sarcastic, but rather than have sarcasm about the situation, perhaps be cautiously optimistic. 

and he has been kissing reporters on both cheeks after cheery and informative interviews that he wishes would never end.

What is Cutler, Italian or something? 

OK, the last item isn’t true.

YOU GOT ME, RICK! I TOTALLY JUST FELL FOR THAT!

As usual, because Jay Cutler isn't friendly with the media then the coverage of him will reflect that. As someone who would be horrible at the media game if he were a professional athlete, I don't understand why Cutler is judged on his attitude towards the media while also acknowledging this has an impact on the coverage of Cutler by the Bears media.

But the glowing reviews of his on-field demeanor and “rebirth’’ as a field general who suddenly “gets it’’ are true. At least they have been bandied about like a volleyball over a backyard net.

More sarcasm. Telander wants Cutler to change, he seems to change in the short-term and Rick is all sarcastic about it. I know I'm sarcastic about a lot of stuff on this blog, but Rick specifically wrote a column requesting that Cutler change and Cutler seems to have tried to do that. Maybe it won't last. That's entirely possible. The secret is that Rick doesn't want Cutler to change who he is, Rick just wants to be able to bash Cutler for NOT being able to become a field general who "gets it." Rick wants to write about how Cutler needs to change, not actually have it happen. 

There’s a new photo of Cutler on Pro Football Reference.com that has him smiling like a teenaged girl who has just won free pedicures for life. Happy is the man with knowledge overflowing!

(Rick Telander) "Jay Cutler still doesn't smile nor is he nice to the media."

(Rick Telander) "Here is a picture of Jay Cutler smiling like a teenaged girl. I'm going to make fun of him for smiling like I have requested he do in the past."

Sure, John Fox may have called Cutler “Jake’’ back in January, but that was before he got to know the refreshed and refreshing QB who likely will never create a turnover again.

Keep moving those goalposts, Rick. Nobody said Jay won't create a turnover again. That's not a realistic expectation.

Also, calling Jay Cutler "Jake" is an easy thing to do, and not just because John Fox would rather his team not even have a quarterback so he could run the Wildcat or single-wing offense all game, but because "Jay" and "Cutler" can be run together to form "Jake" by not pausing between the two words. So the fact Fox called Cutler "Jake" doesn't mean a hell of a lot.

I don't just argue semantics, I murder semantics to death with my own nit-picking.

One is reminded of what former teammate/philosopher Brandon Marshall said of Cutler awhile back: “He’s the real deal.’’
And now, apparently, he’s so real, he’s chromed.

It almost sounds like Rick Telander doesn't believe it. Could that be true? 

Me, I don’t believe it.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? You don't believe it? I couldn't tell. 

I think Cutty is Cutty. A six is a six, not a 10. The spots are permanent, just like on your couch.

So when writing an article that says, "Jay Cutler needs to be more like Tim Tebow" you were essentially writing an article advocating for Jay Cutler to do something you had absolutely no doubt he wasn't capable of doing? So what's the point of writing the column then? You know Cutler can't ever be the "effective quarterback" that Tebow is, so outside of giving yourself a good reason to get pageviews by putting "Tebow" in the title of a column while bashing Jay Cutler, why write the column advocating for Cutler to change who he is?

We’ve heard this all before, haven’t we?

Maybe, but you are the one who seems to genuinely believe Tim Tebow is now an effective quarterback. You are the one who now believes Tebow doesn't have the world's worst throwing motion, a claim from Tebow's quarterback mentors that we had heard all before as well. Maybe one day Jay Cutler will be more like Tim Tebow, though that's clearly not really what Rick Telander wants.