The Perfect Storm

Simmonsolgoists can all agree the perfect storm would be an article that combines Bill Simmons, the mention of his children, the Celtics, and pop culture references. Grab some bread and water and head to the attic with me, it has arrived. All I feel is sympathy for this man, usually anger, but this time just pure sympathy.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/080425

"Rajon couldn't do anything right. He couldn't speak. He couldn't draw. He couldn't write. ... And then one day, Rajon could speak! He could draw! He could write!"Sorry for bastardizing "Leo the Late Bloomer," one of my daughter's favorite bedtime stories and a true classic. But I couldn't help it. Not only has Rajon Rondo's belated emergence been the most fascinating subplot of a storybook Celtics season, but he's just like the character in that book.

Bill is trying to capture the glamorous "comparing athletes to children's tales" niche. He is also failing. "See, the Spurs are like the tortoise and the hare, son." I think a more accurate comparison would have been The Little Engine That Could, but what do I know? I feel nothing but sympathy for Mr. Simmons. I no longer see him as the columnist who annoys me with his constant pop culture references and Boston area sports columns. I now see him as a talentless hack who has to speak about pop culture and Boston teams to complete a column because he literally has no journalistic skill. This is fucking horrible, I mean just bad. This is "Garth Brooks taking on a new identity and releasing an album" bad. Remember when he swore he would never talk about his personal life? Now he is beginning columns with parallels to children's books. Sadly, it only gets worse from here.

It's the little things that made the trades for Garnett and Allen (and to a lesser extent, the pick-ups of Sam Cassell, James Posey and P.J. Brown) so successful and altered the careers of Rondo, Leon Powe, "Big Baby" Davis and Kendrick Perkins, everyday moments that go beyond KG crouching over Powe after a dunk and happily punching him in the chest.

I predict at age 55 Bill will get over his "the team is so close and bffs forever outlook at a team," but that time has not come yet. So how the hell has Big Baby Davis, Leon Powe and Rondo's career been altered so greatly by the presence of these veterans? They all pretty much had no career before this year, them being so new to the NBA and all. Oh and Bill, happily punching people in the chest is not always a good thing. Here's my proof: If I ever meet you, I will happily punch you in the chest. Do you feel like we are friends now?

Rondo is further ahead of the '03 Parker, which gives you an indication of his potential and where he's sitting already. Whether Sam Cassell has to pull a Speedy to save a few games remains to be seen.

Simmons offers no proof of this. I promise right now that if Rondo is better than Tony Parker in two years, I will jump off a building wearing a Tom Brady jersey and a David Ortiz jersey cape. By the way, Claxton was 25 at the time he won a championship with the Spurs and had been in the league three years. So, Sam Cassell he was not. Bad comparison.

(Bright Red Ego Alert!!!)

Did I see any of this coming? Actually, yes. Rondo played so well in the 2006-07 preseason that I stupidly picked him for "Rookie of the Year," bought a seat in the front row of the bandwagon, then broke three ribs when it careened off the Mass Pike on Opening Night.

I am sorry Bill, even though you will probably make up a rule saying you are right, you were wrong. I thought the New York Yankees would win the World Series in 1997 but that does not make me right when they won it in 1998. Here in "the real world" that is called being wrong. When he didn't win the award you predicted, that is being wrong. PLEASE just admit it fuckhead.

Simmons throws some patented hyperbole and stories that can not be proven in here, finally culminating with Garnett saving Lois Lane and curing cancer in all adults but not children, because guess what? Fuck them, they can't survive because Bill has to steal their books for later columns.

...other than Al Horford (a tough cookie who's going to be great)...

This is annoying because this classfies in his book as a "prediction," despite the fact he was picked #3 in the draft and very well could be Rookie of the Year. This is a "no fucking shit asshole" prediction. Wait until we get to hear more about this in a few years about how he was on the Horford bandwagon for years. God, he is obnoxious, and yes, I am no longer feeling sorry for him.

In Rondo's case, there are two great "What ifs?" -- Basketball careers might hinge on talent and desire, but circumstance plays a much bigger role than anyone realizes. Would James Worthy have become "Big Game James" if the Lakers had drafted Dominique Wilkins over him in 1982? What would have happened to Wilkins if he had played with Magic Johnson for his entire career? Would Robert Parish have made the NBA's "50 at 50" list if the Celtics hadn't rescued him from the Warriors? What would have happened to Parker if the Spurs signed Kidd that summer? And so on and so on.

Exactly Bill, and so it goes on and on to the point I am ready to hang myself. If this is his new schtick, it sucks. I am going to go ahead and throw out the biggest "what if" that everyone is wondering right now. What if Bill's parents had decided they were not ready for children and took the steps to ensure little Billy would never read the Leo book? Would someone else have annoyed me with such vigor? WHAT IF?

Let's speed round the rest of this shit:

The Andrea Zuckerman Award for "Least Compelling Subplot" I love hoops as much as anyone and still can't bring myself to watch the Magic-Raptors series. It's like the NIT of the NBA Playoffs. Does the winner even matter? They should call it "The NBA-TV Invitational" and give the winner a trophy that's sculpted into the shape of Rick Kamla's face.

90210 references are old, the NIT of the playoffs not funny, I will laugh if the Magic beat the Celtics, and who the fuck is Rick Kamla?

The Brian Fantana Memorial "Hey, Champ, Maybe You Should Stop Talking For Awhile" Award To Charles Barkley for declaring last weekend that Rasheed Wallace is the most talented player in the league and could have been the greatest player ever if he wanted it.

I think Ron Burgundy said that, but close Bill and thanks for being semi-relevant.

Rasheed couldn't handle the responsibility of being great every night, true, but part of being great is that you've made a conscious choice to accept that everyday responsibility and live up to a different standard of pressure and expectations. It's like a chicken/egg thing. If Vince Carter was wired like Michael Jordan, he would have been Michael Jordan. If Derrick Coleman was wired like Kevin Garnett, he would have been the greatest power forward ever. If Sam Jones was wired like Jerry West, he would have been the NBA logo instead of what he was -- a top-50 player and one of the NBA's memorably clutch shooters. Rasheed was much closer to the Sam Jones camp than the DC/Vince camp, but all of them had one thing in common: They didn't totally want it. And that's part of being great.

If you sludged through this whole passage you are thinking the same thing I am. Bill mocks Charles Barkley's What If thought, but does not even think that most of his What Ifs could be refuted with the same argument. Bill Simmons sucks, but if he did not write I would not know the levels of suckage that could exist.

The His-Father-Was-The-District-Attorney Award for "Most Relentless Ad Campaign."I think Tyler Perry has broken my personal record for the ratio of "most commercials I've seen about someone over the years" to "fewest amount of minutes I've spent watching their TV show or movie." Right now it's like 11,000 hours to zero.

Because he is black and you hate all minorities Bill?

The Neil Diamond in "The Jazz Singer" Award for "Best Test of Someone's Jewish Faith"

What the fuck. Not asking, I am being imperative. I have no idea what The Jazz Singer is but I wish you had comments after your columns.

The C.T. Memorial "I Will Work You! WORK! YOU!" Award To David West for his in-your-face manhandling of Dirk Nowitzki in Round 1, capped off by the same derisive cheek tap that Robert Conrad used to perfection after his concession speech to Gabe Kaplan in the first "Battle of the Network Stars."

Battle of the Network Stars? The best you can do? You reference the Gauntlet and then arrive at Battle of the Network Stars? This is symbolic of the Simmons era. So much potential but he got lost along the way.

The Clay Buchholz Award for the "Player Most Desperately In Need of a Fu Manchu or a Goatee."

(Bill's mind) "How do I get a Red Sox reference in here?"

(Bill's soul) "You just started liking the Red Sox in the early 90's, what is your deal with them?"

(Bill's mind) "I know, I know, but I have no idea what to write right now."

(Bill's soul) "Just mention the Sox then, but a little bit of me is leaving every time you do."

The Arthur Fonzarelli Putting-On-Waterskis Award for "Most Dangerous Sign That Someone Might Be Washed Up"This goes to me for writing an entire magazine column about "Best possible NBA playoff matchups" and forgetting to include not just the Suns-Lakers series, but a Jazz-Celtics series that could have spawned an easy joke about "Celtic Pride" (the stinker movie, not the phrase). People sitting in dentists' offices and tire shops around the country are going to pick up that magazine, skim that column and think I'm an idiot. Whereas, you guys already know I'm an idiot. Just remember, I'm an idiot.

We never forgot you were an idiot. I just wished you believed this yourself.

(By the way, that would be a funny "SNL" skit -- TCIKG intensely shopping at a Whole Foods, grabbing the last box of Fruit Loops from the shelf and pounding his chest, woofing orders at the deli guy and chest-bumping him after a particular good cut of American cheese, then getting in a customer's face who made the mistake of bringing 14 items into the "13 items or less" aisle. I continue to believe cameras should be following Garnett at all times.)

Simmons does know Garnett is a minority right? He is from Boston, he hates all minorities, so how could this be? What are the odds the same people who watch SNL are also big NBA fans, and more specifically Celtic fans? This is why Kimmell fired him, because he only suggested Boston jokes the entire time he worked for him. Actually this would be a perfect skit on SNL because it has the three perfect components that causes that show to consistently suck.

1. One joke in the entire skit.

2. The joke would an inside joke for one group of fans.

3. It is not funny.

Much like Bill's columns actually.