Before I begin critiquing, I learned two things today. First, I learned that KSK does a variation of Peter King's "Ten Things..." and I had no idea, so if anyone reads this then I want you to know I did not rip them off. Second, I learned that Christmas Ape of KSK was a writer for the Washington Post, prior to being fired for his using his freedom of speech. That and learning Ken Tremendous of FJMorgan writes for "The Office" have bothered me slightly. It for some reason changes the way I view their articles. It may be because I read their articles and think, "these guys are pretty good, they could do more than a blog," and then learning they do, I feel let down. I have no idea why. Enough of the Full House moments.
I love Jason Whitlock and his "truths," but he can irritate me also in a special sort of way.
10. I'm glad Pacman may get another shot at playing professional football, pending Goodell's approval. Pacman needs the structure. He needs an organization to take an interest in his personal development. If he screws up again, Goodell will permanently banish Pacman and Jerry Jones will only have egg on his face.
Let's see...he needs structure and someone to take an interest in his personal development...sounds to me like the Army is the perfect place for this kid, where is the nearest recruitment center? That's not the solution though according to Jason. See, he needs an opportunity to continue to play the sport that millions of children wish they could play, you know because he has earned it and all, not because of his talent. How the hell is giving him a new contract, I don't care there is less guaranteed money, and another opportunity, aiding his personal development? If there are so many odd and disturbing characters on the Cowboy's team, as Jason adds at the beginning, how the hell are they going to help his professional development? It makes no sense.
(Pacman) "I called this team meeting because I want to know how do I make myself a better person?"
(T.O.) "Take your shirt off, do pushups and then try to kill yourself."
(Tony Romo in his Forrest Gump voice) "I would go to Mexico with your girlfriend the week before a playoff game. Then choke in that playoff game, but it had nothing to do with it, so just leave us alone as we pose for photo-op after photo-op at events."
(Tank Johnson) "Here's a gun. Do you need a dog also?"
(Marion Barber) "You could bitch about your contract though you have never had a full time role in the offense."
(Leonard Davis) "Personally, I would eat a lot of food and become a lard ass."
(Jason Witten) "I would also go to Mexico with my girlfriend the week before a playoff game, just to ensure our team has still not won a playoff game in 12 years."
(Roy Williams---yanks Pacman Jones down by his hair from behind in an obvious horse collar tackle and tears both ACL's and an MCL on Jones) "That's how you tackle motherfucker!"
See? Nothing good can come of it in that locker room.
9. The Dolphins cut a deal with the wrong Long. I'd rather give a pass-rusher $30 million in guarantees than an offensive tackle who might be too stiff to play on the left side. If Jake Long ends up being a Pro Bowl right tackle, then Parcells made a mistake.
I am bored with just rebutting, let's role play. (angry lawyer voice) Objection, your honor. That is pure speculation. I would also like to object to the massive amounts of drool on the floor over Chris Long, someone could slip on it and fall. I would also like to object to the fact there is nothing wrong with a Pro Bowl right tackle. What if your QB is left handed? Has Mr. Whitlock thought of this possibility? I move to strike this entire bullet point out of the article. There is nothing wrong with a Pro Bowl right tackle.
7. The Chiefs do, however, deserve credit for securing a fair trade for Allen, especially considering Allen was a fire sale.
This always confounds me, when a columnist credits a team for getting fair value for a player in a "fire sale." Just because MC Hammer went bankrupt did not mean his 37 Porsches were not worth a whole hell of a lot of money. It is a free market, the Vikings could not say, "let's offer them Kleinsasser and a 7th rounder, because they want to trade Allen really super duper bad," and then expect it to work. Instead they say, "holy horse balls, Allen is available and the Chiefs are willing to trade him, let's make a credible offer before someone else gets him. Allen has 2 DUI's so you know Jerry Jones will make an offer soon." Why do you think teams announce when they are trading a player? To drum up a market for that player, that is why. How the world works according to Jason:
(It's late 2007, A Rod and Scott Boras are planning his free agency visits)
(Boras) "Well Alex, my dear man, you can choose any team you want!"
(A Rod) "Shop me around my little Devil! Announce it to the world!"
(An hour later Brian Cashman is calling George Steinbrenner) "A Rod made himself a free agent and is offering himself to every team in the league, he is so desperate!"
(Steinbrenner takes off his bifocals, stares at the picture of himself on the ceiling and turns toward Cashman slowly) "Offer him 5 years at minimum wage, we totally have him right where we want him. How desperate is he? To shop around for the best deal among a free market, especially since he doesn't have to do anything at all to stay in his current situation! Oh...and tell him after five years, he is free to choose another team. He will take this offer so quickly, his blue lipstick will smear with the drool to sign the papers."
(Steinbrenner thinks to himself) "Like he would want to go through the headache of choosing any team he wants."
6. Don't be surprised if Larry Johnson is the new Shaun Alexander next offseason. And don't be surprised when Darren McFadden falls in this weekend's draft because __________.
Let's play a game. Which of these comments should have filled in the blank?
1. of Johnson and Alexander. Given the size and speed of modern players and the super-fast surfaces the game is now played on, the running back position is too physical and too high-risk for injuries for teams to invest large sums of money.
I think you could say that about a lot of positions in football. Maybe more the running back position, but if you get a great running back, that sure does a hell of a lot in the short term for a team. I would probably rather have Adrian Peterson for five good years, rather than Kevin Jones over a ten year span, but that may just be me. I can think of three quick items where a great RB has taken a team over the hump to the playoffs or near to the playoffs, so I would think a team like the Jets would want McFadden. (Peterson- 2007, Drew- 2006, Addai- 2006) Now granted there are other weapons around these players, but you get my point. At what position can a rookie come in and make such a great impact? Even if there are injury concerns my good men/women, even if there are injury concerns.
2. McFadden has a ton of questions about his character.
Granted, many of these concerns are bullshit, but there are actual cases in the draft where this has caused players to drop (Moss, Sapp) or make the team that drafted them wished they had never drafted them (Pacman Jones, Tank Johnson). A bad character in the locker room can ruin an entire team, and to make matters worse, usually the player hangs around like a virus, while an injury requires another player to step up and the player is not in the locker room causing a ruckus. Adrian Peterson is the only RB I can think of who fell because of injury concerns and I think the entire league has learned its lesson. (On a side note, I think he will be lucky to play 50 games in the NFL for his career.)
Which argument makes logical sense? I would say #2 but I am wrong, it was #1.
4. I do not like Ohio State defensive end Vernon Gholston. He looks like a bodybuilder rather than a football player. You have to use athleticism and nimbleness to thump and quickly disengage.
Nothing wrong with this, I am not 300 pounds nor played on the defensive line like Whitlock. I can just see Dwight Freeney running around thumping his teammates on the back of the head and then running around the locker room attempting to evade the thumpee. Or Jason Taylor learning to dance so he can be nimble enough to get around the most nimble of all creatures, the 320 pound white left tackle. Wait, he did this?
3. My money is still on Matt Walsh having nothing of substance to say to Roger Goodell about Spygate. He reminds me of the guy who has an angry breakup with a girl and then spreads around the naked pictures she let him take during a drunken weekend. The pics are fun to look at, but I always lose more respect for the guy than the girl.
Fuck this. Remember a few months ago when Whitlock exchanged emails with a certain ESPN columnist about the Wire? I am not saying his name because I am tired of putting his name in the labels, but let's just say, this gentleman likes the Patriots and writes very similar to this. Just put on your ESPN gentleman nasally voice for a second and read these sentences. I swear if Whitlock starts referring to his girlfriend and talks about conversations he had with his father or his buddy "Mobile Home," I am never blogging again. Then driving to Kansas City, which is in Montreal if I am not wrong, and asking Whitlock to never write again.
2. Can someone explain to me why the Bengals didn't pull the trigger on a Chad Johnson-to-the-Redskins trade?
I agree, they are stupid.
(Bengals owner) "So I have cancer doc?"
(Doctor) "If it is not removed, then you are going to die within 6 months, unfortunately your hair will fall out and you may get sick from the chemo if you do get treatment."
(Bengals owner) "I don't really want anyone to think any differently of me or think that I am weak in any way, so I'm good thanks." (takes jacket and top hat, leaves office)
1. If Kobe "Brett Favre" Bryant doesn't win the NBA's MVP award, the trophy will lose all of its credibility.
That's assuming it ever had credibility. I hate it when people say shit like this. End of year awards are overrated and mean little to nothing in the grand scheme of things in a given year. How's that MVP award working out for you Tom Brady? This is like when the Oscars or Grammys are put on during the year. They have awards to honor themselves and it is completely retarded. Bengoodfella out.
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