Simmons!

Ready for more Boston area loving, 80's movies jokes and overall stupidity? Me too!

http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=3357518

Celtics vs. Lakers would be a dream for Bill Simmons, and most of the non-Riverwalk-loving world.

Even the caption pissed me off. I don't know what the Riverwalk is, but I am guessing it is in Texas, and this is a reference to San Antonio. I am also guesstimating that the other teams and their fans in the NBA are not looking forward to a Celtics v. Lakers Final.

Text messages I sent to friends during Game 1 of the Spurs-Suns series:
This is otherworldly — Holy [bleep]!!!!! — ESPN Classic! — Best G-1 ever? — I'm gonna pass out — DUNCAN!?!?!? — Best Rd. 1 game ever? — Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue — WHOAAAAA!—There are no words.

Just remember this text after his next, "the world is bigger than sports" article.

(ESPN executive) "We have Simmons who wants to be Rick Reilly but he really has no perspective in his articles, so they are more assholish than schlocky, how can we get him to quit and not look like assholes?"

(Man in the next stall) "You could hire Rick Reilly."

(ESPN executive) "Jackpot."

I like to think this is what his friends texted back:

U know what is otherworldly? U still watch the NBA. No 1 cares bill--I have threatened you b4 if you text me w/ this bullshit I will kill u. Is that an Airplane reference? Geez, at least join the 90's n ur quotes. U r not as good as you think u r. I have 2 get back 2 my normal life where i work all day & don't make simple sporting events seem like enormous events. I hate u.
I love Airplane, it is still a great movie, but the most played out joke in the movie is the "stop sniffing glue" joke. Played. the. fuck. out. Surely he can think of a better one in the movie. And stop calling me Shirley.

Here's what made it, in reverse order from "thrilling" to "I won't be able to sleep the night before Game 1":

Honestly, this is like some fucking guy not being able to sleep the night before the release of Windows 98. There is maybe 1% of the audience that cares. This sentence shows just how stupid you truly are Bill. It is a sporting event in the 4th most popular postseason tournament and you can't sleep the night before? I wish to hell he had a real job for one day, I would love to watch his ass get fired. I would pay $49.99 on pay per view to see this.

(Company executive to Bill) "You're fired."

(Me) "Fuck yes."

9. Magic-Suns (Finals) Forget about the quality of play — this would break the record for "most sunburned media members using a playoff series as an excuse to play golf for two straight weeks." I can just see Jay Mariotti and Woody Paige arguing on Around the Horn, all maroon faces and blisters as dried skin flies everywhere.

Oh no he didn't! How sassy of Bill! Just wait til he pulls this shit on Reilly and he punches Bill in the face and writes an article about it, then gets millions of positive letters from readers all around the country.

Bill, that is hilarious when you take shots at journalists who get to cover the NBA Finals. This comment breaks your record for "most times making fun of a person/event because you did not get the opportunity to go there or see that person but then if he got to go to that event or see that person then you would act like it was the absolute awesomest thing in the world and brag about it in your shit driven columns." You went to North Dakota, they go to Florida. You lose, they win, Jacoby Ellsbury is overrated.

8. Hornets-Jazz (West Finals) This one appeals only to roundball dorks like myself, but I'm not gonna apologize. The thought of Chris Paul and Deron Williams pulling a Corrales-Castillo on each other for the Point Guard Championship of the World makes me giddy. Along with a Finals berth, the NBA could put the team name Jazz on the line. If New Orleans wins, they get to take back the name. Who's with me?

Out-of-touch-Bill references Corrales-Castillo. I have no idea what this is but am going to assume it is a boxing matchup. Remember the Windows 98 talk we had earlier Bill? (back to redecorating the attic) Holy shit! I just read the joke about the Jazz team name. I am giddy with hilariousness! I am with you Bill. We could also take all the white people in Utah and have them meet the black people in New Orleans. Or maybe have the voodoo believers meet the Mormons! You should suggest that to one of your "friends who works in the Programming Department at a Major Network" as a television show and then tell us about it in a column!

7. Celtics-Pistons (East Finals)

I did not have the energy to read this. Let me guess, Bill Laimbeer, Larry Bird, teams don't like each other despite the fact most players were wearing Huskeroos the last time they played in the Eastern Conference Finals. I am Bill Simmons.

6. Hornets-Lakers (West Finals) By the time this took place, we'd know if the 2008 MVP was the enigmatic Laker who bashed his teammates and wanted to flee before "coming around" or the unselfish point who saved basketball in Katrina-scarred New Orleans, redefined the ceiling of his position and took a lottery team to a No. 2 seed. It's always fun when lingering MVP debates can be resolved in seven games or fewer. Unless you're Karl Malone.

I guess others could see it as the best player in the NBA who was tired of his team putting young players who only have potential, various malcontents, and useless jump shooters on his team versus the point guard who punched people in the nuts in college and played most of his first couple of years in the league in Oklahoma City, most likely helping the city get over the bombing of 1995. It's always fun to look at it from a non-biased point of view. Unless you're Bill Simmons.

4. Spurs-Lakers (West Finals) Wait until this "joke" scenario makes me a legend when it actually comes true: The Spurs are derailed in Game 7 by WWE-worthy officiating along the lines of that in the 2002 Kings-Lakers series, followed by everyone's being cool with it because we all were hoping for a Celtics-Lakers Finals anyway. Screw you, San Antonio! The NBA — it's FANNNNNN-tastic!

I rewrote the sentence to more accurately look at this from another point of view that Bill has not thought of.

Wait until this "joke" scenario causes me to have my ego inflate so much I become a legend in my own mind and make up some useless theory about it: The Pistons are derailed in Game 7 by WWE-worthy officiating along the lines of the Patriots-Colts AFC Championship in 2004, followed by the NBA changing the rules so that type of interference is no longer allowed downfield. Boston fans are cool with it and think the rest of the world is as well because they have no idea that Boston teams are not liked anywhere else in the world and the idea of a Lakers-Celtics championship appeals to only networks and those fans. Screw you Detroit!

2. Cavs-Lakers (Finals) "Kobe! LeBron! It's the NBA Finals on ABC!" Yeah, that works. By the way, we've had a bunch of Finals with two transcendent players, but rarely have they actually guarded each other. In my Scenarios 2 and 3, they would. Sgfdggdg fjgjgjijgrkj fhejfrefjrkj fjekfjrkjfk fkoek.

[Ed.'s note: The previous sentence was "written" when Bill's head hit his keyboard after he briefly blacked out. We were able to revive him to finish the column.]

I have no idea why guarding each other is a requirement for a great series. I don't recall Bird guarding Magic or anything like that. He just makes shit up. What the hell is the last sentence about the editor's note doing in there? It makes no sense to me.

1. Celtics-Lakers (Finals) Just the mere possibility of this one has me so energized, I wish Kurt Rambis were in my office right now so I could clothesline him into my desk. Imagine seeing those uniforms on the same court in June again. We'd have Kobe and KG fighting for a career-altering ring, Phil Jackson going for Red Auerbach's record for coaching titles, Allen and Kobe renewing their bizarre feud. I live for the emotional revival of those "Beat LA" chants that meant something once and the tons of Magic-Bird highlights that would offset the startling impact of seeing the two icons show up for Game 1 weighing in at a combined 620 pounds. LA's celebrity fans vs. Boston's ("Hey, that's Tom Brady sitting next to the Wahlbergs!"). The chance to boo Kareem one more time. ABC's making a gazillion bucks if the series goes seven, then using the cash to bankroll my sitcom, Everybody Loves William. I could go on and on.

So God, man up: Give us a Celtics-Lakers Finals. That's right, I'm calling You out. Show us what You got. Rttghfnf ljmbkkk nmhgjk wqptrs ghdscv.

Here is why I do not want this to happen. Bill Simmons would talk about it with such great hyperbole as this. This is the Simpocalypse. I could not handle it.

(By the way, I am coming out right now. I am a Celtics fan who is about to never like the Celtics again because of the Boston hysteria and bandwagonism that goes on. I barely cheer for them and try to avoid their games if I can. Danny Ainge was my idol and I got upset when Reggie Lewis died. I am not from Boston and never have been from there. For some reason I confuse people and they think I am from Massachusetts, though I don't speak with the accent at all. Growing up, my area did not have an NBA team within 300 miles of me until 1988, at which point I had dual teams. I know it is horrific but that is what an 8 year old did, until 1995 at which point the owner of said team put his penis in anything that had breasts and a pulse, and later decided a huge basketball fan base and an arena sellout for an NBA record amount of years was not enough and they just had to go to New Orleans. Fucking adieu George Shinn. So I quit the dual role in 1995 and decided to go back to the Celtics only. Anyway, I am a reluctant fan, have all Laker-Celtics game on VHS and I still don't want this to happen.)

I do love how he mentions ABC making a ton of money and then mentions a sitcom he wants to do. This is just a reminder for those of you who are not Simmonstologists that he works for a big company and has pull in the Hollywood industry because he blew Jimmy Kimmel for a couple of years. Also he put Tom Brady in there because he wants to remind everyone that the Patriots still exist and were not contracted in the offseason. This whole passage was dumb and the God thing was not funny.

[Ed.'s note: We did everything we could. He's gone.]

Now THAT is something I could get behind a prayer to God about. And I mean forever, like not ever come back. This would mean the end of my career in blogging but I would fall on the sword to save the world from drivel such as what we just read through together, holding hands for fear of our eyes. Yup, that's our Simmons.

Does anyone read this blog? I feel like Tom Hanks in Cast Away here.