21 Reasons why the Red Sox and the Patriots Can Go To Hell and Stay There

I have people ask me all the time, actually someone asked me just once, why I hate the Red Sox and the Patriots so very much. So I have decided I will outline my 21 point proposal on why both teams should burn in Hell...for eternity. I did not put that in the title because it sounds really mean but it is how I feel.

1. Manny Ramirez's home run trot- nothing gets my blood boiling like watching him raise his arm in the air and start waddling around the bases. I hate the Yankees but Kyle Farnsworth was my hero for an entire week for throwing at Manny. It is not Manny being Manny, it is Manny being a fucking show off, and it should be paid in full with a baseball to the head. I feel that strongly about this. You hit a homerun, congrats, now go take a shower, or just wash your hair, and keep being the great hitter you are, just lower the arm or you will be hit in the eye at your next at bat.

2. Bill Belichek- Pats fans always make him sound like a genius who just did not know the rules. He is not. He the is guy who cruises the streets in a van looking for young children and then when he gets caught with a 14 year old in the back of said van, he says he thought the child was 19. Then his friends remind the community how much money he has given to charities and how well the boys church choir he conducts sounds every Christmas.

3. 3 Super Bowl Titles- 2 of the appearances in the Super Bowl were helped out by breaks the Pats had gotten. In both cases if the rule change that eventually took place was in effect at the time the original game was played, the outcome would have changed. If the Tuck Rule was in effect now, then Tom Brady would have fumbled that ball and it would be the Raider's ball. In 2004 the NFL was propelled by the completely obvious pass interference by the Pats DB's during the Colts-Pats Championship game in 2004 to tighten pass interference rules. These are some "what if's" Bill Simmons does not enjoy doing. They also cheated by the way. So in conclusion, they won three Super Bowls, but were helped out in both cases by official calls that prompted rule changes.

4. They both are referred to by the media as a dynasty- Both are not a dynasty. The Pats won three Super Bowls in four years and have not won one in three years, so the dynasty time period has run out, and the Red Sox have not even come close, yet, to winning two straight World Series. If the Spurs are not a dynasty, neither are the Red Sox or the Patriots.

5. The Red Sox refer to their fans as a "nation"- This makes my blood pressure rise so greatly. Referring to your team as a nation invites bandwagon fans to join that nation. The team's fans "travel well" also. How come the team's fans did not travel well in 1999 or any other year where the team was not World Series Champs or ESPN had not pumped the team up as if they were underdogs, and not the very same team with the second highest payroll? This long question needs a good answer. By the way, in the annual poll the Red Sox were voted the 3rd most popular team in America. I will let you guess the other two who actually have a larger "nation."

6. Dustin Pedroia and Jacoby Ellsbury- These two gritty guys really irritate the shit out of me. Ellsbury lives off his October from last year and Pedroia has a short shelf life. Sorry Sawk fans, give it a few years and I will be right.

7. Peter Gammons- His admonishment last year of A Rod, while the Red Sox were celebrating their World Series victory, for opting out of his contract was out of line. The Red Sox can turn even a great sportswriter into a homer looking to suck the teat of joy that is cheering for the Red Sox. For Gammons to sit on the field and say A Rod and Scott Boras lacked class was the epitome of homerism. A Rod owed nothing to the Red Sox and he could choose to opt out of his contract whenever he the hell felt like it. Sorry if it ruined your victory party Peter. Gammons was a Boston sportswriter for years and he should know that he does not have to report the A Rod opting out story if he does not want to, but he chose to, then bitched about it. Pathetic.

8. The Patriots beat the Panthers in the Super Bowl- I pretty much will never forgive them for that and they can burn in Hell based solely on it.

9. Bill Simmons- He is their ring leader, he is somehow is able to write a regional column from a national web site, and represents everything these douchebag fans think. He also does zero research before he makes fun of the NL and NFC, which makes me even angrier.

10. The douchebag fans- They are not smarter or even more fanatic about their team. They think they are and there is even a movie about them, Fever Pitch. I dislike the majority of them. I got in a verbal fight on New Year's Eve 2004 with three Patriots fans at a hot dog stand in Charleston, South Carolina. These guys were from Boston and when I called them all bandwagon fans and said they could go to Hell, they became even more loudmouth and started talking trash about the Panthers. I asked the entire three of them to name one thing about a Patriot or a Red Sox player that I did not know, to help prove what diehards they are. They could not. Douchebags. How is that for a true incidental bullshit story?

11. Kevin Youkilississis' beard- It is 2008 and the Metallica beard looks fucking gay on you. You have some Boston clam chowder from last night stuck in there and Dustin Pedroia is tired of getting burn on his private places. I don't care if you are the Greek God of Walks, learn to shave. Maybe trim it a little bit, so it does not look like a bush is growing from under your mouth.

12. Tedy Bruschi- He is fucking annoying and there is nothing anyone can do to make me think otherwise. I want to hit him in the head everytime I see that video of him putting three fingers up to the camera at the Super Bowl. I am glad he came back from his stroke or whatever he had, but isn't one of the side effects of taking steroids the possibility of a stroke at a younger age? Just a thought.

13. The proliferation of Boston area columnists on ESPN- If it is not Jackie Mac, Bob Ryan, Tony Massarotti, Tony Reali or any other random Boston newspaper columnist who is available on First Take, then ESPN always finds a way to get a Boston commenter in every discussion. If I had a dollar for everytime a Boston commenter appeared on First Take I would have enough money to save up for the mob hit I am going to put on Josh Beckett unless he shaves that annoying piece of shit under his lip.

14. The Pre-2004 whining about Bill Buckner- Every team at some point in their history has had a player screw up and cost the team a big game. I can think of one time for all my favorite teams right now, but every other team does not harp on it for years. Also, the columnists for said teams do not still talk about it in articles they write as though it was the bombing of Japan in World War II or some other historic and tragic event. Buckner should have had the ground ball, John Kasey should have kicked the ball in bounds and Chris Webber should not have called a timeout. It is over and the whining before they won the World Series in 2004 almost made me hate them worse than I hated the Yankees at the time.

15. The hatred for Roger Clemens- You hear Bill Simmons and other real Sox fans talk about how they hate Roger Clemens for tanking and then leaving town and winning a bunch of Cy Young Awards. The Red Sox GM came out and said Clemens was done, and regardless of what he was taking in his body, he was definitely not done. Clemens stuck it to you and you should hate your team for not treating him well and for having him do an F-you to the Sox for the rest of the decade. I would like to think if a player sulked his way out of town and played poorly to get traded the Boston area fans would not embrace this player if said player came to their team, since they hate Clemens so much. I guess not, ask Randy Moss, Corey Dillon, and Rodney Harrison. If it happens to you, then the player is the devil, if you are the beneficiary of the sulk fest, then you celebrate. That is standard sports fan thinking, just don't hate Clemens when you are the beneficiary of players who do the same thing.

16. Sweet Caroline- First off, the song has nothing to do with baseball, the Red Sox or anything that has anything to do with anything that goes on at the ball park. Basically they freely choose to use a Neil Diamond song as a chant of comraderie and joy at Fenway Park.

17. The Red Sox make me cheer for the Yankees- I greatly dislike the Yankees but I hate the Red Sox more because of the constant douche baggery they exhibit in every opportunity. The Yankees annoy me but the Red Sox definitely take the cake with their mere existence.

18. The Red Sox sign expensive free agents and then the fans bitch when they don't perform- Julio Lugo, J.D. Drew, and Matt Clement, what do they all have in common? No one wanted to touch them for the money they were being offered by the Red Sox and then they dared to underperform. Whose fault was this? Obviously the player and definitely not the Red Sox crack front office. I am talking to you Theo Epstein. Of course it is easy to take a chance on these players when you have a payroll large enough you can try to pay your way out of your mistakes by signing new high priced free agents. Instead of blaming the players for J.D. Drew's every strikeout, why don't you look at his results at every other stop in his career and ask why the hell the front office signed him?

19. The Beckett and Lowell for Hanley Ramirez trade- This was a grand move by the Boston Red Sox. Only the Marlins thought that Mike Lowell was done for good and would never hit well again. This trade irritates me because I want to mock the Red Sox for trading the best all around player in the National League but I can't because they got Beckett and Lowell for him and Anibal Sanchez is currently hurt, so he does not help my case much. In the trade I actually thought that Beckett was less of a sure thing than Lowell simply because Beckett was having so much trouble staying healthy. Shows how much I know, but one day, yes one day, I will mock the Red Sox for this trade.

20. David Ortiz- Combine the fact he is overweight, his nose is incredibly flat or he is somehow considered "clutch" and you have someone I do not like. The media and the Red Sox fans have an obsession with Big Papi, which is a stupid nickname, and it can not be stopped. When he started the year off slow, they did not assume because he is obese and over 30 he may not be as great of a hitter anymore, no they just made up shit about jet lag. I think my tipping point this year was when a columnist on SI said he was the greatest free agency signing ever. He was originally signed to a ONE YEAR DEAL! I Stephen A. Smithed that because any signing that is for a one year deal is not a great risk and therefore can not be considered a great free agency signing. A one year deal is a no risk proposition, if he sucks then he is gone, if he is great, you can talk extension. When I read that, I weeped violently into a pillow and wished it would all go away. He was a great signing, but not the greatest ever. This just pisses me off.

21. The Patriots are in the easiest division in football- Fine, bring up numbers like strength of schedule and other wonderful things like that, but then I ask you this...Which group of teams would you rather have your favorite team play twice a year? The last two Super Bowl appearances for each division is a stat I cherry picked and have put beside each division to show how weak the East is.

1. San Diego, Oakland, Denver, Kansas City- 2003, 1998
2. Indianapolis, Jacksonville, Tennessee, Houston- 2007, 2000
3. New England, Miami, Jets, Buffalo- 2008, 1994
4. Cleveland, Baltimore, Cincinnati, Pittsburgh- 2006, 2000
5. Seattle, Arizona, St. Louis, San Francisco- 2006, 2001
6. Carolina, Atlanta, Tampa Bay, New Orleans- 2004 (whimper), 2003
7. Green Bay, Chicago, Minnesota, Detroit- 2007, 1996
8. Dallas, Washington, Philadelphia, Giants- 2008, 2005

It is close but the AFC East is clearly the worst division based on my criteria. This has nothing to do with the Patriots going perfect last year other than the fact the division games are breezes for them. Other than the Bills, neither the Jets nor the Dolphins have been serious threats to the Patriots their entire division run of the past couple years. No one pays attention to the fact the Pats had no team over .500 in their division last year. The Patriots are a great team and will probably have another chance to go perfect this year unless someone in the division gets their shit together. This makes me hate them.