Mailbag Time!

I get tons of mail from avid readers and I thought I would share a couple letters with you with my actual response to their queries. I don't think this has ever been done before so try to pay attention to the novelty, and remember these are actual letters from actual readers to me, a professional writer.

Frank (Barnville, MS): You hate everything don't you? Is there anything that you do like or don't care to bitch about?

Bengoodfella: I actually like some things sports related. Among them is when a person actually begins a sentence when he doesn't know what he is talking about with, "I am not sure of this or I did not look this up," before spouting out some nonsense. I think my favorite above all is "I am just eyeballing this..." and then beginning a sentence with their opinion. I can accept idiots when they admit they are being idiots or can admit they did not look something up. I also like the NBA Playoffs and a nice pair of slacks.

Dominic (Putitinmibutt, MA): Could the fact you don't like the Red Sox or the Patriots have anything to do with the fact you're jealous of their success?

Bengoodfella: Actually it has more to do with the fact most Boston fans are bandwagon fans who don't know that much about their team and just cheer for the team enough to annoy me, but have plans to choose another team here in a couple years. Not to mention the teams are both annoying and I wish they would not exist. I do wish my team could have success over a span of four years though, that is sure a long time. Especially for you, cheering for one team for that long must get tiring.

Neil (Lomax, OH): What do you think of Jay Bruce? Tell me he won't be the next great hitter for Cincinnati.

Bengoodfella: I think he will go down as one of the greatest hitters ever. Did you know he was the first player ever to reach base successfully in his first six plate appearances? Did you also know he is the only person named Jay Bruce to get a base hit in the history of baseball? I was looking for more accolades but that is all ESPN would provide me. Who was the last great hitter for Cincinnati? Chris Sabo? Hal Morris? The bar is not set too high here.

I do get as excited as the next person for major league debuts of great young hitters but I don't think we should get too excited. Remember Jeff Franceour on the cover of SI three years ago with "The Natural" under his picture? Now he is the picture of average in RF for the Braves, but we love him because he is white and attractive!

Fred (Las Vegas, NV): I live in Vegas, and trust me, it is not as great as everyone claims that it is.

Bengoodfella: Never mention Vegas again to me or I will smack you in the face with one of Manny Ramirez's never washed dreads. How cliche has Vegas become? Who would continously write about it, unless that person was a walking cliche themselves? I had a friend who suggested Vegas for a bachelor party one time. I murdered him and fed him to my pet panther.

Fernando (San Antonio, TX): What is the purpose of the NBA coming out the next day and admitting the officials made an incorrect call at the end of a game? You can't replay the game and there is nothing you can do about it at that point.

Bengoodfella: The point is the NBA can feel good about themselves that they acknowledge the mistakes their shitty officials make. Flagrant fouls are ridiculously called as well. Now the NBA has the "unabated path to the basket rule" which is kind of like offsides except somehow it is dumber. Hard fouls happen and why the hell should a player give up a layup when they can send that person to the foul line? If the player is truly attempting to hurt another player then call the flagrant foul, otherwise the officials needs to swallow the whistle and hope one of the teams covers the spread.

On the opposite side is the technical foul calls. Players whine after every foul call. It becomes annoying to the viewer. Though in fairness, the whining would stop if officials called the game consistently.

Peter King (Boston, MA): Have you tried the vanilla latte swirl at Starbucks? I highly recommend it. Also, I would not bet against Brett Favre returning this year, I have the inside track because I am an insider in the NFL and will prove it by showing my text messages with players.

Bengoodfella: Here is my big question. Has anyone else but me noticed Peter's fascination with Chris Long? He mentions him in every MMQB and all he can talk about is how the Patriots would have loved to have him and what a great person he is. I refuse to answer Peter's question here because he always refused to answer mine.

Francis (Orlando, FL): You refer sometimes to living in your mom's attic, you don't really live in California and are a big time screenwriter or a professional journalist of any kind are you? Your writing, and you mostly, sucks, so I just wondered if you dumbed it down so no one would be on to you.

Bengoodfella: I do live in my mom's attic right now and I currently steal wireless internet from one of my neighbors. I do go outside but only to let my pet panther pee on one of my neighbor's lawns and then I immediately run back inside, take off my raincoat (I wear one with the hood up all the time rain or shine) and go back to the attic. I have not had a job for a few months now because I quit it thinking you had to be unemployed to be a blogger. I am still angry it turns out other popular bloggers have real jobs.

Jimmy (Seattle, WA): Are you excited Rick Reilly is coming to ESPN?

Bengoodfella: Here is what excites me about sportswriters, and when I say "excites me" it means I will read their columns and then immediately mock them. This is the criteria:

1. Knows very little about sports/refuses to do any research.

2. Writes articles that can be characterized as puff pieces and tends to oversentimentalize everything, but then treat an ordinary event as if it was a gigantic happening.

3. Is old school. Meaning hates blogs, thinks everyone who writes them is stupid and if it were up to them we would still be chiseling daily blogs in stone and then sending them out on horseback to the nearest town.

4. Has a vendetta against certain sports figures that will not change and said sportswriter will stop at nothing to make this vendetta work.

5. Writes columns that could appeal to a third grader.

Rick Reilly meets most of those criteria. I am absolutely thrilled to see what he is going to do at ESPN since he has never provided any hard hitting journalism or any good journalism that does not suck at the teat of the athlete. I thought ESPN already had enough people with editorial opinions and I think Chris Connelly takes care of the personal interest stories. I am almost as excited for this era as I am the new Sex and the City movie and the sequel to "Fat Like Me."

Charles (Atlanta, GA): What would you have done if you were Brian McCann last night and the umpire forced you to get in the batter's box after calling three straight completely questionable strikes in a row to you and the batter before you?

Bengoodfella: I am not going to be baited into answering a question from Charles about a team I may or may not really like, but let's just say Tim Wegler is not loved in the attic right now. I would have probably pulled a Juan Marchial to his Johnny Roseboro at that point. Not fucking cool to call balls and strikes with his eyes closed, but let's hand it to Bobby Cox for his handling of the pitching staff. Maybe in his 112th year in the league he will figure out when to pull a pitcher from a game and when to put a pitcher in. Told you I would not be baited.

Jimmy K. (Los Angeles, CA): I really fired Bill Simmons from my show and promised him he could use my name in his columns and I would pretend to be friends with him if he would never enter the writer's room again.

Bengoodfella: I knew it.