I objectively say Bill Simmons sucks at being objective

http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=3422313

I think I have covered previously that I hate it when Simmons is such a homer because it makes all Celtic fans look shitty. So what does he do? He puts out a whole column baiting Laker fans and making Celtic fans look like Patriot and Red Sox fans...that being very cocky and fucking annoying.

He starts it off with some memories of the 80's and the Lakers-Celtics rivalry. Does he ever have mid-90's memories of the Celtics at all? How about memories of Reggie Lewis, my favorite Celtic? Guess not. I always found that funny. I would predict he ignored the Celtics for a good period of time and possibly switched teams. Just a guess, but anyway.

Myth: It's the NBA's best and longest rivalry.

Truth: Boston beat L.A. for the title eight straight times before falling in 1985. If that's a long-standing rivalry, so is Tom vs. Jerry, Andy vs. The Sistas and hammer vs. nail. Isn't it more of a "recent rivalry that was once a relentless butt-whupping"?

This is an excellent point Bill has made. In fact, the Yankees completely agree with this and would like to invite Bill over and use the exact same reasoning for why the Yankees-Red Sox are not a rivalry. Don't you love when an author makes statements and then you can compare it to something else that the author would clearly not agree with? I love it.

Making matters worse, the L.A. Lakers was the dumbest team name for nearly 20 years, until the Jazz relocated to Utah. If you root for the Lakers, you not only implicitly support nonsensical team names, you've helped to desecrate Minnesota sports.

Not to pull a Simmons but here goes:

(Bengoodfella and his girl of long standing commitment are watching the Celtics and Pistons in the attic and she is fresh from a trip to Ireland, so she says): "So the logo is a leprechaun and they have a clover in the logo as well. I guess they took the name from the Irish word."

(Bengoodfella): "Oh yeah, definitely."

(Bengoodfella's girl of long standing commitment): "Then why aren't they called the Celtics, with a hard "C" and not an "S" sound?"

(Bengoodfella): "I have wondered that since I was six."

(Bengoodfella's girl of long standing commitment): "That is stupid."

I have shared this conversation for the purposes of pointing out at least the Lakers pronounce the team name like it should be pronounced and don't make up a pronunciation.

Myth: The 1962 Lakers were a wide-open 15-footer from toppling Bill Russell's Celtics.

Truth: You know who took the shot? Frank Selvy. (Who? Exactly.) Should Selvy be deciding your season when you have West and Baylor? I say no. Stupid teams shouldn't win titles.

Should Dave Roberts be stealing bases that decide your season when you have Manny Ramirez and Pig Bapi (I prefer that name)? Should Kendrick Perkins be pulling down double doubles when you have Kevin Garnett? I say no. You can literally do this with all of his comments in this column, I quite enjoy it.

Myth: Kevin McHale's clothesline of Kurt Rambis turned around the 1984 Finals.

Truth: When Rambis hopped up for revenge, peacemaker James Worthy swooped in and inexplicably shoved Rambis into the Laker Girls. Way to help out, James! Ask Worthy to jumpstart your car, and he'd fry you with the jumper cables. Anyway, that was the moment things turned around.

This makes no sense. I never liked James Worthy but I have no idea he knows the exact moment things turned around. I guess he just made it up. Go figure.

James Worthy went to my high school many years before I did and I hated him. He played for the Lakers and UNC, so at an assembly I booed him.

Myth: Magic won the rubber match with Bird in 1987.

Truth: Hold on, my editors are still electroshocking me for the joke I was about to make. [zaaaaap!] OK, we're good. Yes, it's true that Bird beat L.A. once ('84) and Magic beat Boston twice ('85, '87). But when Bird and the 1986 Celts were peaking, L.A. avoided a guaranteed shellacking by getting "upset" by the young Rockets. That's a forfeit win for Boston, bringing the tally to Bird 2, Magic 2.

Mmmm...HIV jokes are still not funny from you Bill. Sorry, it is a life threatening disease and probably should not be mocked. How about when the Celtics were "upset" by the Pistons in 1988? So would that bring the tally to Bird 2, Magic 3. I am still pissed about the HIV joke. You are not South Park, you can't mock things and not look like a swarmy little shit.

Myth: In the '80s, white Americans supported the Celts, and African-Americans supported the Lakers.

Truth: The Showtime Lakers were definitely a flashier team, exemplified by Worthy's signature tomahawk dunk and Magic's near quadruple-double average in the 1982 Finals (18 points, 11 assists, 9.5 rebounds, 12 women a game). And the C's were definitely a dorkier team, exemplified by Bird's blond Afro-mullet—which did make him a hero in the white-trash states—and McHale and Bill Walton whiffing on 47.8 percent of their high fives in 1986. That said, isn't it racist to assume blacks gravitated to L.A. and whites gravitated to Boston just because Spike Lee blasphemed Larry Legend in "Do the Right Thing"?

This is Bill Simmons' "can't we all just get along moment." I hope you all caught it because this is an offensive paragraph. Considering Bill hates minorities and he is from Boston, I will go ahead and say this is not a myth. I also would like to know where the "white trash" states are? That comment is definitely in no way offensive to anyone. Oh and did anyone miss the 12 women a game comment? More HIV jokes! Hilarious, maybe Bill would like it if I made some SIDS jokes for he and his wife? I am sure his wife would love a good breast cancer joke or two. The only white trash in this country is located wherever the hell Simmons lives. I don't appreciate white trash jokes apparently.

Myth: Playing in a Garden with no AC in 1984, the Lakers needed oxygen masks to survive a humid Game 5.

Truth: Whoops. This one is true.

So the Patriots and Celtics cheated? Glad we covered that.

Myth: L.A. and Boston get all the breaks.

Truth: Au contraire! The Lakers somehow acquired Wilt and Kareem in the first two three-$5-bills-for-a-$100-bill trades in NBA history. They swapped a fading Gail Goodrich for two No. 1's (one of whom became Magic). They traded journeyman Don Ford for a future No. 1 (James Worthy). In 1995, free agency rules mysteriously changed one year before Shaq became a free agent, and L.A. just happened to stumble into a ton of cap space.

I guess Bill forgot about the Kevin McHale and Robert Parish for Joe Barry Carroll trade, them somehow getting a #2 pick in 1986, and finally McHale gave up Garnett to Ainge in this offseason. Also, the Patriots got a 4th round draft pick for Randy Moss, which was a steal. So I think they both got breaks.

Myth: L.A. and Boston were reborn this season with two legal megadeals.

Truth: At least the Celts gave up Al Jefferson for KG. How was the Gasol trade legal? If I kill my mailman and no one ever finds out, does that make it legal?

Probably the same way the Randy Moss for a 4th rounder and Deion Branch for a 1st rounder deals for your Patriots was legal. As you acknowledge nearly hourly Bill, GM's in the NBA do not know what they are doing. Also, Chris Wallace made that trade, not Jerry West. Just get your facts right, that's all.

Jerry West's old team (Memphis) gift-wrapped its best player for the team that once employed West for 40 years, taking back a pupu platter (Kwame Brown, a third-string guard and two crappy picks).

Let's rewrite this sentence. Kevin McHale's team (Minnesota) gift-wrapped the best player in franchise history for the team McHale played his entire NBA career for, and made the trade with one of his best friends on said team, taking back a pupu platter (Sebastian Telfair, Delonte West, Gerald Green, and the obligatory Jefferson to make the trade seem equal).

See? It can be fun for the whole family!

The NBA, where chicanery happens.

You would think a fan of any team but Boston and the Lakers would be writing this sentence.