Rick ($3 Million Dollar Man) Reilly

Take a look at the picture for this column and tell me you would not want to be Charles Barkley for five minutes.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=3487981

Rick Reilly gets paid too much for how little he does at ESPN. I am jealous he gets to dick around for a living but his journalistic abilities in no way impress me. If I was able to ride in a race car, play golf with celebrities, and speak to baseball players in a locker room about semi-taboo subjects, it would be as interesting and coherent as what he normally writes. Rick Reilly is not special and for some reason ESPN wanted to pay him millions to prove he is special. Let's see what the return on the investment is. We will break it down to what he talked about during this "article."

Have you ever secretly longed to comb through airplane wreckage? Had a morbid curiosity about autopsies? Wanted to tour a torture camp?

Torture camp? Like Nazis? You want to be a Nazi? You are no better than Jemele Hill. Now go write a 500 word column---, sorry I forgot your limit was 250 words, on how sorry you are.

I have. That's why I purposely set out to play golf with Charles Barkley. Wait, don't get mad!

Not mad, not jealous, just wondering how you fooled someone into paying you for this. I like to play a game when I read a Rick Reilly column. It is called, "How many other people in the world can do the same thing he is doing if they were invited?"

The answer to this one is: All human beings who know how to swing a golf club. I will give you a hint for the answer to this game question everytime it is asked. It begins with, "All human beings who_______ (name the activity Reilly is doing)."

But his golf swing? Technically, it's not even a swing. It's a lunge. Scientists study it. He gets to the top, starts down and then—two feet from impact—just stops! Totally freezes! He looks like a man waiting for a rattlesnake to pop up so he can kill it.

He just spent 1/4 of this column with an introduction and a description of Charles Barkley's golf swing. Hard hitting and provactive journalism at it's finest.

Yes, I know he is an entertainer like Bill Simmons is supposed to be, but are you entertained right now reading this column?

There were rooms in which every face you saw was famous. When was the last time the four people ahead of you in the taco-bar line were Lance Armstrong, Kate Hudson, Al Michaels and Lou Holtz?

That is so cool Rick. I am amazed at your ability to work for a world wide news organization that gives out press passes where celebrities are going to be. You are so lucky. By "lucky" I mean, "an absolute waste of a good journalist."

(Random celebrity observations from the week: Michael Jordan's girlfriend is scorching. Aaron Rodgers nearly gets a facial tic when asked about Brett Favre. Ray Allen can actually rap. After a bad shot, Ray Romano will yell, "I could rip off my own ear!" Jessica Simpson, in town with boyfriend Tony Romo, is not a stickler for detail. When I asked her, "Jessica, is today your birthday?" she replied: "Yes! No! Wait! Yesterday! No, wait, is today the 12th? Then, day before yesterday? I don't know!")

I just emailed ESPN and wanted to know the exact difference between Bill Simmons and Rick Reilly. They emailed me back and said Rick Reilly name drops famous people, not just his friends. I assume this is because Rick Reilly has no friends.

Someone is paying him to write this by the way. $3 million would go a long way for "Nothing But Nets," and would also save lives. Anyone entertained yet?

Here's what we know from the next 1/4 of Reilly's column, and yes that brings us to half of his allotted 300 words he gives a week. A basketball player pulls hot ass, Aaron Rodgers does not like Brett Favre, Ray Allen can rap, Ray Romano is not funny in real life either, and Jessica Simpson is dumb.

I feel like I am watching TMZ TV.

Anyway, after much begging I was paired with Barkley for the first round. The night before, as I walked through the casino to go to bed, I saw him. He was standing on a stage, pouring mobs of people shots of Patron, on his tab, which would top $10,000.

I personally have seen Charles Barkley party in a bar before with Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell. Can I get my own column with ESPN? I will do it for free and not be a douchebag, that has to be an improvement on Reilly.

He spent $10,000? Wow, I don't even have a snide comment for that, except Charles Barkley is rich. He should start gambling with that money.

When Barkley freeze-flails, people laugh, shriek and gasp, but it's not funny. It is a pox on his life. "I've tried everything," Barkley says. "Tiger can't help me 'cause the hitch is there no matter what. I even tried getting hypnotized for 45 minutes and still woke up with the same crappy swing." And so it went the rest of the day: Barkley making people laugh and hug him, interrupted by these sporadic fits that made them look away in sympathy.

Maybe the poor swing has to do with the fact he is 350 pounds and probably hungover? Is anyone entertained yet? It's like ESPN is trying to get rid of Bill Simmons by replacing him with an even worse replacement that is supposed to make him feel bad but only ends up making ESPN look pathetic . Kind of like what Brad Pitt did to Jennifer Aniston. Pop culture reference and swipe at Angelina Jolie!

Also the other 1/4 of the column was about Charles Barkley's swing. Boooooooring.

The best player of the week was ex-MLB pitcher Rick Rhoden. The wettest was Romo, who fell in a pond at No. 1 on Saturday. And perhaps the happiest was Rodgers, who was introduced at the first tee on Sunday as a "Green Bay Packers quarterback." Rodgers corrected the announcer, "Starting quarterback."

I used to have an awesome Rick Rhoden Pittsburgh Pirate baseball card where he was wearing a hat which made him look like a train conductor. That story I just told was more intriguing than anything I just read from Reilly.

I truly believe Tony Romo is retarded. I am not kidding, I think he looks like Sling Blade and Forrest Gump combined, he has big ears and just looks stupid. This has nothing to do with the fact the first game he ever started he tore apart my favorite team nor the fact everyone has announced him as one of the greatest QB's in the league, yet he has failed to win a playoff game... at home...twice.

God, I love Aaron Rodgers and feel bad for him. I wish I could have been there for him correcting the announcer. I would have enjoyed it more if he had said, "Green Bay Packers Starting Motherfucking Quarterback, bitch," and then had Ray Allen rap. That would have been much more preferable.

As for the nobody among the 82 celebs, I finished with a plus-two, good for 53rd place. But on the plus side, I was low sportswriter and beat Michael Jordan. One other crucial thing: I can remember when my birthday is.

Can you remember the last time you wrote a good column? Me neither. I was not entertained.

Breakdown of the column:
25%- introduction to Charles Barkley's golf swing
25%- describes celebrities he has seen
25%- how bad Charles Barkley's golf swing is
25%- Aaron Rodgers is the "starting" QB for the Packers.

Love the column, hate the column, got a better idea? Go here.

I love how he openly solicits suggestions for columns. When you get paid millions, you don't have time to think of your own ideas. That's what bloggers do and they are all losers who have nothing to say and live in their basement. Real journalists, like Reilly, have others who think of their ideas for them, then that journalist takes the idea, has someone set up the idea to make it happen, he steps in and makes it shitty, and then someone makes sure his writing and grammar are correct. So he doesn't think of the idea, set up the dates for the interview/event, and does not really need to worry about correct grammar. The most important thing he does is get the words on paper of what he has seen and experienced so he can share it with others. So to be Rick Reilly you have to be able to view something, write it down, and then maybe, if there is a person available, take a picture. I feel like this was worth $3 million.