AFC Preview: Now With Less Analysis and More Smart Assery!

Instead of the usual dissecting and mocking of articles, J.S. and I have determined we will do an NFL preview that will help everyone get ready for the new season. I am taking the AFC and he is taking the NFC. If this sucks, tell us, but most of all read through the entire post. Yes, it may take a few days but I think you will find one or two good points/jokes in here. Also, I have posted predicted records but they may not add up due to the fact the AFC teams are playing NFC teams and I did not get a chance to predict the record for the NFC teams.

Buffalo Bills

Offense: The two QB’s the coaching staff has a choice between are J.P. Losman and Trent Edwards. When those are your choices, you really have no choices. They have Marshawn Lynch at RB and if he can avoid running over any more pedestrians then he should have a pretty good year. So basically they are the Minnesota Vikings with a less mobile QB, a worse RB, and receivers that are a little more proven. Don't be too jealous of them. They were 30th in the NFL in offense last year and the only real way I see it getting any better is if Trent Edwards takes a step up this year, which I fully believe he is capable of doing. As part of the Bills “we must screw everything up” plan, LT Jason Peters is currently holding out of camp because he wants the last three years of his deal restructured. So, they have a second year QB who was shaky at times last year starting and a potential stud RB but are missing their best offensive lineman. It’s like having an ice cream cake but no knife to cut it. Or in Marshawn Lynch's case, a car but no one to run over and then you have to flee the scene on a scooter. I wish there had not been other stories going on so I could focus on Jason Peters but here is the deal. Peters had hernia surgery, has not told the team how he is doing on his recovery, and won’t report to camp because he wants more money and won’t respond to any attempts to reach him. I like to imagine this is how the conversation would go if he did respond to phone calls:

(Dick Jauren) "You feeling okay Jason?"

(Peters) “Sure Coach, I’m good."

(Dick Jauron) “How is the hernia?”

(Peters) “Oh, it’s great. Can I get more money now?”

Defense: Every year I look at the Buffalo Bills defense and think they should be really good. That is why the Bills defense is a problem for me. I look at the roster and see they are getting Paul Povlolosxskydidy back from injury, Donte Whitner will probably have a good year and I think Leodis McKelvin will make a great cornerback…in two to three years. I look at the roster and think they should be good, then look at the numbers and see the defense stinks. The defense was ranked 31st in the league last year. They look great on paper but have not been able to put up great numbers on defense since Thurman Thomas was last seen roaming the sidelines looking for his helmet. They seem like they could be good on paper this year and they have brought in Marcus Stroud to plug the middle, which he will do because he is fat. Unfortunately, that means the rest of the defense has to tackle, and therein lies the problem. I look at the roster and would love to have this as my defense, but then there is something that gets lost in actually playing the games, which is a definite drawback to winning games.

Final Report: I am actually going to have a hernia because I want so bad to put the Bills second in the division with a winning record. I have no idea why this defense was so bad last year, I look at the roster and think they should at least be middle of the pack. I look at each team this way: What have they done that would make things different for them this year than last year or what has changed? Unless you count hit and run accidents and holding out of training camp, which you get 0 fantasy points for, and a shockingly low zero touchdowns, nothing has really changed in my mind.

Team Record: 7-9

Miami Dolphins

Offense: Ronnie Brown is back from injury and Ricky Williams is no longer a pothead so they will run the ball pretty well. Ted Ginn Jr. is fast and Jake Long is tall and big, so whoever starts at QB is only going to get sacked predominantly from the right side. If this is sounding like a first grade book, then you know there is not much to talk about here. Anthony Fasano was a good pickup for coach Bill Parce---I mean Tony Soprano---I mean Tony Sparano, so all they need now is 3 more OL, a QB that can throw further than 10 yards and a #1 and #2 WR and I could see them being the 3rd best team in this division. As far as QB's go, I like Chad Pennington as a person. My grandmother knows his grandmother and swears he is a doll of a person. He also has an arm like a 5 year old. David Eckstein throws the ball harder than Pennington. All I hear is, “Who cares? He is accurate and is a team leader, people love him, blah blah blah.” All very true but he is accurate when throwing to Santana Moss, Jerricho Cotchery, and Lavernues Coles. Find them on this roster and get back to me. I am not counted among the Parcells fans in the world. I know he loves to groom QB’s but can’t any Cowboy fans think what might have been if Romo had been starting for two years instead of Vinny Testaverde and Quincy Carter? Same thing here. Henne and McCown have more arm strength and I think generally would benefit the team in the long run to have them starting. Parcells does not think long run because he will be back at ESPN in three years.

Defense: Traditionally Coach Parcells has let a veteran run the team at QB for a few years and then try to nudge along an understudy. Traditionally it has been Vinny Testaverde who was the veteran and he could afford to do this because he has some semblance of a defense already in place to help the process. I just don't see that here. Does a secondary of the Allen Brothers (Will and Jason), Yeremiah Bell (possibly the first African American Jew to play in the NFL), and Mike Lehan with a pass rush by Matt Roth and Vonnie Holliday scare you if you are an offensive coordinator? Only if you are the Miami Dolphins Offensive Coordinator. Also, since the Offensive Coordinator of the Dolphins is Dan Henning, whose best offensive play on third and long is a draw play, this is really saying a lot.

Final Report: Let's see. They are switching to a new defense, the 3-4, so the defense will probably not be able to keep opposing offenses off the field and they have an offense where Coach Parcells could run the single wing offense with Ted Ginn as the QB and Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown in the backfield and it would be the best chance for this team to score. It does not sound good. That being said, I think one of the 4 QB's will turn up to be semi-competent and they do have a running game, even if there will be 10 men in the box. I think by the 3rd year, or by the time Parcell quits and denies he wants another job and immediately takes another job, they should be good for 2nd place in the division. Not this year.

Team record: 4-12

New England

Offense: The first and only video game offense returns for another year. They'll still be great and score 40 points a game and probably don't even need that great of a defense, they can just outscore the opponents. Tom Brady is 31 by the way, not that this is a big deal, but he just seems a lot younger than that. The offensive line is the key here. Any QB is great when he has all day to sit back in the pocket and look for his receivers and Tom Brady is even more deadly when this happens. The whole Randy Moss thing is working out really well for them right now and he is not complaining, because he knows that he will get the ball a whole lot and run up some good numbers. The only thing this team did really poorly last year was protect badly in the Super Bowl when the Giants were able to get a pass rush on them. Even when the Giants were able to get a rush it seemed like the Patriots offense should have broken through and never did. I hate to be boring but I don't think this is changing. Unless the offensive line forgets how to block, the Pats are going to be just as good this year offensively as they were last year.

Defense: I am afraid to mock this team. This team won a Super Bowl with Troy Brown as a cornerback and I am still not sure how this occurred. So here goes...this team is not as stout in the middle as you would think but they were #10 in the NFL in stopping the run last year. I can't explain that because I would run the ball right at old ass Mike Vrabel and Tedy Bruschi. The current corners are Ellis Hobbs and Fernando Bryant. I am not kidding. This defense is getting old and as much as I love Bo Ruud and Shawn Crable, I just don’t see them as starters in the NFL, but of course Troy Brown should never have been a cornerback in the Super Bowl either. I did not see a single mock draft having Jerod Mayo going #10 in the draft, so for Patriot fans to be all giddy about him may be a little premature. Suck on that Simmons. Your Mayo is going to spoil.

Final Report: Here is what we are all going to have to deal with this year regarding the Patriots:

1. The really, really annoying bandwagon Patriot fans.

2. Another run at a perfect year followed by a Super Bowl victory.

3. Bill Simmons writing a poorly disguised puff piece every week on the Patriots and how some new mantra is helping them get the team chemistry needed to win every week.

4. The defense getting immense amounts of credit and me never having a clue how they are as good as they are.

All of this being said, the Patriots have had some good luck and one strong hit to Tom Brady or Randy Moss can make this team lose 5-6 games. It won’t happen though because God loves the New England area and the sports teams are all destined to be winners.

Team Record: 15-1 (I have no idea who they will lose to but I am leaning towards San Diego or Pittsburgh because they are the only teams that will be smart enough to play the Patriots the best way there is to beat them, which is run right at them)

New York Jets

Offense: Who has an old ass quarterback? J-E-T-S! Who has just moved up to second place in their division and are now in the hunt for a wild card berth in a best case scenario? J-E-T-S! Brett Favre is a major upgrade at QB for the Jets and I think it will be fun to see when he throws a last second interception that loses the game for the Jets. At that point, instead of Larry B. Plunkett from the Green Bay Herald and Times asking Brett Favre questions, he will have the NY Post, NY Times, and every other major New York publication questioning his decision making. It will either cement Brett’s reputation as one of the greatest QB’s in NFL history or cause him to sweat like a heroin addict in rehab. Either way, it should be fun to watch. The offensive line is improved on paper and if you believe in Thomas Jones then they should run the ball well. There are two big offensive questions that present themselves:

1. How is Brett Favre going to like his new receivers? It takes receivers a few years to warm up to Favre both as a person and as a quarterback, just ask Greg Jennings. They have a month and a half. I say it will happen though.

2. Is the offense going to be good enough to keep up with the revamped defense? I am not sure they are good enough and as great as Brett Favre is, out of the last three years he has had one above average season. He tends to hand out interceptions like they are condoms at a middle school.

Defense: The defense is definitely improved and I have seen first hand Kris Jenkins can eat away the offensive lines ability to block him. I have also seen him eat 32 cheeseburgers and pout about nothing in particular, so I guess it evens out. The best comparison for the Jets has always been the Patriots, with Mangenius having come from them as their defensive coordinator, but the linebackers have question marks galore for the Jets. Vernon Ghoulston was a DE in college and there were questions about his consistency prior to him being drafted and Calvin Pace is a B- overall LB at his absolute best. David Harris is the only one I feel confident in. In a 3-4, so much pressure is on the linebackers to blitz and stop the run, which I am not sure I trust them to do. I feel the same way about them I feel about buying a ShamWow. It seems like it would work but I am not sure it is for real and I can’t trust someone who has a New York accent and loves German manufacturing. If you have not seen those commercials, google them. “Besides yous spend twenty dahlahs a mahnth on papah’ towels anyways, you ah thrawhing yaw mahney away.” It is so god awful, I can't even mock it correctly.

Final Report: They are in the same division as the Patriots so go ahead and pencil them in for two losses. I think they will beat the teams they are supposed to beat and lose to the teams that actually are able to put pressure on Favre and put pressure on the defense. Billy Joel’s “Pressure” is going to be the mantra this year for them on both sides of the ball. And yes, I just made an early 80’s Billy Joel reference.

Team Record: 7-9

Pittsburgh

Offense: They love to run and that sets up the passing game. This is about as exciting as they get. They were 4th in the league in rushing last year and I don’t see that changing any this year, even if I am not as sure about the offensive line as I used to be. They will miss Alan Faneca. Ben Roethlisberger is a fan favorite because he is white and gritty, as seen by his inability to ride a motorcycle and avoid cars. He is only in his 5th year in the league and he is already pulling a Dan Marino and bitching about something the team does. Marino used to point at his receivers after an unsuccessful play and make a motion in the direction of the receiver at the route the receiver was supposed to run, like they were just free lancing out there, and then he would get really pissed at them. Nevermind he threw the fucking ball, it was all the receivers fault because he is Dan fucking Marino, God of all things passing. It’s a wonder he never won a Super Bowl. Anyway, Ben was complaining this year that he wanted taller receivers, which would make sense if he could not see over the offensive line but Ben is 6’5” so that should not be the problem. Granted, Jeremy Bloom is on the roster and could get a part as a Munchkin in the Wizard of Oz when it is on Broadway, but this was a stupid statement by Ben and Bloom is only getting the ball thrown to him if there is a grenade in it and he lost the hot potato contest. So the Steelers go out and listen to their QB and get Linus Sweed who is 6’5”. When Sweed runs the exact pattern he was supposed to and Roethlisberger throws his hands up after he gets intercepted throwing to him and starts berating him as he goes off the field, don’t say I did not warn you.

Defense: Another year, another great Pittsburgh defense. You can always count on the Steelers drafting and developing great LB’s, watching them become great stars and then being too cheap to resign these players. I love things you can count on. Of course you can also count on at least one or two replays in the playoffs that show the Pittsburgh defenders about 10 yards behind a receiver with the ball in the air. They will be in the top 5 in defense in the NFL again and lose in the playoffs to a team that can pick up their blitz. Boring. Troy Polamalu’s hair greatly disturbs me, even there is some sacred tradition I can’t remember that stops him from cutting it. If I am an offensive player, I am taking every chance I get to act like a 9 year old and yank his hair or I would even tackle him by it. It is just too tempting.

Final Report: Unless Rashard Mendenhall is a complete and outright bust, Melwelde Moore continues to use illegal drugs, and the defense completely falls apart for some unexplained reason, the Steelers are going to make the playoffs. The Steelers are really a boring team for me. You know what you are going to get.

Team Record: 12-4

Baltimore Ravens

Offense: How many opportunities has Kyle Boller gotten to be the starting QB of the Ravens? He pops up every year on the depth chart and every year he is good enough to back up the starter but not good enough to be the starter. You want Kyle Boller to be your back up but not starting games, I think that is in the Bible somewhere. It seems like the Ravens spend all their money on defense and want to draft offense but then forget to. The questions are not how quickly can Joe Flacco progress, is Troy Smith really going to try to play QB, or is there a way to get Kyle Boller off the roster, but the question really is who the hell are they all going to throw to other than Derrick Mason and Todd Heap? There is no one I personally would want catching passes for me, other than those two. Not to mention Jonathan Ogden retired, so they have to replace their left tackle as well. If this is management’s way of enticing Ray Lewis and Terrell Suggs to re-sign after this year, it sucks. Willis McGahee has a lot of weight on this shoulders because nearly every other RB on this roster is a third down back or a platoon back at their best.
Defense: Every year you hear Ray Lewis has lost a step and every year he proves someone wrong. The Ravens defense gave up 24 points/game last year. That is not going to get it done this year, especially with the offense struggling like it probably will. I am not going to be one of those people to count out the Ravens this year on the defensive side of the ball because I am superstitious in that way. I can feel a bad combination of a lousy offense and an aging defense that I think does not bode well for this team. They have a great D-Line in Gregg, Ngata, and Trevor Pryce, but it seems like injuries and old age tend to accumulate rapidly and I think the corners of Samari Rolle and Chris McAllister can not be counted on as much anymore and they will end up depending on Ed Reed for run support too much. The Ravens this year are playing blackjack with a hand of 16 and want the dealer to hit them. We’ll see.

Final Report: I give no credit to the Ravens offense and I don’t think in this division that contains Pittsburgh and Cincinnati the Ravens will be able to keep up as much anymore. The team’s success depends on how much the offense can get done and if the defense can hold teams to 17 points per game. The Ravens have not fallen off by that much, I think the rest of the division is just catching up faster.

Team Record: 5-11

Cincinnati Bengals

Offense: This offense is always going to put points on the board. Even if Rudi Johnson has his annual injury, they have proven they can run the ball without him with Kenny Watson and Chris Perry. If Carson Palmer stays healthy and he is the only Palmer, not Jordan, throwing to Chad Johnson and T.J. Houshmandzadeh, then there should be nothing wrong with this team offensively. I would like to see them get an impact tight end, and maybe Ben Utecht can be that for them, but otherwise only unforeseen injuries and Chad Johnson acting like an ass are going to derail this offensive train.

Defense: This is the problem and will continue to be so. For a defensive coach Marvin Lewis sure can’t find a good defense. I think it is some disease he inherited from Brian Billick who was an offensive genius at Minnesota until he did not have a good QB, RB, or WR’s. I guess if you take away Ray Lewis, it is hard to look like a genius. It’s not like they don’t try. They have drafted Keith Rivers, Odell Thurman, David Pollack, Johnathan Joseph and Leon Hall over the past couple years in either the first or second round. It has been a wonderful mixture of bad luck and players getting arrested, which always seems to happen to the Bengals. It is hard to find a good linebacker who either doesn’t have a broken neck or four felonious counts of assault against him. I am not sure a single Bengal was arrested over the summer for rape or any other violent crime, so that is a step in the right direction. If I really have to analyze them, I will do it this way: The DE are below average, the linebackers are average, the corners are young, and the safeties are the very meaning of average.

Final Report: The best thing this team can do is start over. I think Marvin Lewis is a good coach but this is going to be a tug of war between the defense and the offense for the next couple years unless something changes. I think Marvin Lewis would have looked good in Baltimore where he could have had his pacifier and blanket in Ray Lewis and a different coach needs to come to Cincinnati. This is a team that is going nowhere because the defense won’t let it and meanwhile the offense is getting older and more impatient for the defense to get their shit together.

Team Record: 8-8

Cleveland Browns

Offense: I liked Derek Anderson coming out of college at Oregon State, so it did not shock me that he was a productive QB last year. It did shock me that he was as good as he was though. I am going to assume it was not a one year thing and say he will have a comparable year. Otherwise we would have to discuss the idea of Ms. Brady Quinn starting and that would take a little bit of time to talk about. I hope Brady loves the wonderful deal his agent got him by the way, I bet he has lots of time thinking about it while he sits on the bench and thinks about any playing time incentives he might be missing. Holding out as a rookie is stupid and there is nothing to be gained from it. You just miss time you need to become a better player and most likely there is someone who can do your job just as well as you. Dumb. Now that Jamal Lewis has completed his “I had one more good year left in me” tour, I look for his numbers to fall a little bit, which makes the starting running back…Jerome Harrison. Let the celebration begin! We all know Kellen Winslow Jr. is a motherfucking soldier and Braylon Edwards has started getting some nationwide recognition, including a mention in Peter King’s latest MMQB in the “coffeenerdness” section, which can only bode well for him.

Defense: I want everyone to try and venture a guess at what position in total defense the Cleveland Browns were last year. Remember, they have Romeo Crennel, a brilliant defensive coach on their side AND Willie McGinest, even though he is in a rocking chair. The answer is 30th in total defense. They gave up 360 yards per game and could not stop the run at all. So they go out and sign Corey Williams, who has never played in the 3-4 and Shaun Rogers, who ate his way out of Detroit. They were good risks but don’t they call them risks for nothing. The two young LB Kamerion Wimberly and D’Quell Jackson are a strength for this team. The two safeties, Brodney Pool and Sean Jones actually play the same position and were both second round picks, so the team feels the need to play them both. Also, Brandon McDonald is currently the starting corner for Cleveland. I am sure his mom did not even know he played in the NFL, if that tells you anything. I would expect the defense to be markedly better but anyone who has deep and abiding faith in the secondary needs to go seek mental help.

Final Report: I think they are good enough to win 10 games again this year, I just don’t believe they will. I think they will stop the run sufficiently this year but I still wonder why Romeo Crennel is a defensive coach and they don’t have a great defense as of yet. I actually think the offense is going to lag a little bit behind the pace from last year but the defense will step it up to make more plays.

Team Record: 9-7

Houston Texans

Offense: They should start a Survivors of David Carr as Your Favorite Team’s Quarterback Fund. I believe every team should have to have David Carr on its roster for at least half a season to experience the pain he can bring a person. The Texans have survived well though. The Texans still have a QB problem. They should start the best QB on the roster and if Sage Rosenfels is that person then he should start. The problem is that then Matt Schaub was outplayed by Sage Rosenfels and that will probably hurt his ego for the rest of his career and he will never be right again. Of course he was stuck behind the human hype machine Mike Vick and seems to be alright, so maybe he can make it through anything. I guess getting beaten by Sage Rosenfels is not as bad as being the second best QB on a roster where the starter throws 80 mph one hopper throws and has the accuracy of a drunken crack addict. The biggest competition I can see on the roster is between Ahman Green and Chris Brown to see who can accumulate the most injuries through a season. I have my money on Chris Brown, he is unstoppable in the injury department. I think he actually sat out 8 games last year with a broken leg that was never broken. It’s good to see the first year the Texans were in existence was 2002 and they are still looking for a decent left tackle. Take your time boys, don’t want to rush anything.

Defense: Mario Williams has to feel incredibly vindicated. Not only he is a better football player than Reggie Bush, it is not even close at this point. Williams is only 23 and already one of the best at his position and Bush…is…a great 3rd down back? The Texans actually have a pretty solid defensive line and the LBs are good as well with Morlon Greenwood and DeMeco Ryans bucking Houston Texan tradition and actually tackling the opposing team’s football players. Dunta
Robinson is in his 5th year in the league and he is projected to be a good player by his 10th year, so look out for that. Jacque Reeves is the other cornerback. They are not kidding either, I double checked this and even called the Texans practice facility and spoke to a nervous young lad named Brian who confirmed Jacque Reeves was not a fake name nor had he ever been on National Geographic searching for animals in the deep of the ocean. Will Demps is the safety, as is C.C. Brown, who is so embarrassed about his play he does not even want anyone to know his name.

Final Report: The offense is still not good enough to beat Jacksonville or Indianapolis, even though the defense is catching up quickly. They have Andre Johnson and Kevin Walter as receivers, and you can definitely do better, but the running game scares me the most. Unless Matt Schaub knows how to run the spread option, Steve Slaton will be useless after Ahman Green and Chris Brown get injured. If am Mario Williams, I demand a trade to the Saints to rub it in Reggie Bush’s face everyday in practice how good I am.

Team Record: 6-10

Indianapolis Colts

Offense: If Peyton Manning’s bursted sac survives the season, the Colts will as well. I am not ready for the Jim Sorgi era. They are very deep at RB this year, which should prevent any problems if there happens to be an injury or if the Raiders ever catch up with Dominic Rhodes for stealing all that free agent money last year. This offense is going to be great again and now they have suddenly found Anthony Gonzalez as the 3rd receiver, which sucks if you hate the Colts and their constant ability to find quality receivers. Anthony Gonzalez is such a mystery to me though. Is he Hispanic, White, African American? I need to label him ASAP so I hope I figure this out soon. I never heard anything else about this but did Marvin Harrison actually put a cap in somebody's ass this offseason?

Defense: They still look good up front, though any Dwight Freeney injury is never a good thing. You can’t base everything on name recognition but I just take it as a bad sign when I have never heard of all but one of your team’s linebackers. I usually keep in pretty good touch with the whole football thing. Teams ran all over the Colts last year, they were 15th in the NFL in stopping the rush but they were second in ypg allowed through passing. They rely on Bob Sanders so much for run support and he is so injury prone it is hard to see how they may stop anyone when he is out of there.

Final Report: One year the Colts are going to relinquish the hold they have on the AFC South, (even though they are in the North of the United States) and I think this is going to be the year. I don’t think the offense is going to be the main problem but I can see a passing game that relies so much on timing to be a little rusty when Marvin Harrison has not played in a while. The defense will be above average but I don’t trust Bob Sanders to stay healthy and I don’t trust the team to stop the run without him. So yes, I am predicting injuries. Kiss my ass.

Team Record: 10-6

Jacksonville Jaguars

Offense: We can all breathe a sign of relief the Byron Leftwich Era is over in Jacksonville. I am not sure what else, besides stand on his head and save a baby from a burning building, David Garrard could have done to deserve the starting job. I have a rule against betting against Fred Taylor, and even if he does go down, I think a lot of Chauncey Washington. I think more of him than I do any other 3rd string running back in the world. That says a lot. Jerry Porter is as underrated as any receiver who has a horrendous attitude can be and Troy Williamson needs to opportunity to have QB that has a clue throwing the ball to him. Sorry, Tavaris Jackson, Brooks Bollinger and Brad Johnson don't cut it for me. Call me picky. Matt Jones is a sad story. I hear you can find him after every practice on the ground attempting to sniff the white line markings and out of bounds markings up with his nose. Cocaine is a motherfucker. On a positive note, this should really help his breakaway speed and I have learned from "Cops" it is hard to catch a coke head. So look for him to have a break out year. The Tight End's name is Mercedes Lewis. What are the odds he is Matt Jones' dealer? He went to UCLA and is named Mercedes. Sounds like it to me.

Defense: Derrick Harvey is about to get his roster spot stolen by Quentin Groves, mark my words. Harvey will come to terms in a few weeks and next thing he knows Groves will be the starter and not relinquish it. Groves has first round talent and all he needs is a chance to show it. Maybe Harvey and Brady Quinn can start a support group for dumbasses who think they are so important a team can not go on without them, then the team ends up replacing them permanently. That would be a long support group name but I think it could work. I L-O-V-E the Jaguars defense. They were middle of the pack last year but I think they are going to have a great year and they have the pass rush and the secondary to make other team's life difficult.

Final Report: I never bet against Peyton Manning or the Colts but I think this is the year I break my rule. Jacksonville finally has stability at QB, a great running game and receivers that have the potential to keep the defense honest. The defense is stout and they are not going to be afraid of the Colts and Patriots. Of course, the fans in Jacksonville will probably fill the stadium to 50% of capacity so there will be no homefield advantage, but that is a different story.

Team Record: 12-4

Tennessee

Offense: What is there to not like in a team that has a running back who could weigh an estimated 250 pounds, the QB throws the ball like he is flinging dog crap off of his hand when he is not showing up on the Internet shirtless at a party, and Kerry Collins is the person who is supposed to provide veteran leadership? That has all the makings of a great team. Vince Young is not a good quarterback, I am going to go ahead and get this off my chest. The three headed (and four chinned) monster at running back of Chris Johnson, Chris Henry and LenDale White is going to take a lot of pressure off Vince Young. Unfortunately, Young also thinks he is a running back and he gets credit for his running skills and everyone ignores his 9-17 TD:INT ratio and the fact he can't make all the throws a normal QB would make. The Titans also have 4 #3 receivers on the roster, which is advantageous because one of those four have to be named the #3 receiver but is a problem when you don't have a good QB who can get the ball to these receivers. It is actually smart for the front office to not pay for any good receivers, it would just be good money wasted.

Defense: This is where the Titans should and will get some credit. The Titans have a strong defense and an even stronger offensive line. Sure they may step on people's heads and there is a good chance it is not the year 2000, so Jevon Kearse is not going to be of any use, but they are physical and can stop the run and the pass. I am still not a big Nick Harper fan and believe if the Colts get rid of a cornerback, then you definitely don't want that player (See: David, Jason). Michael Griffin is going to be the Kool Aid man this year and bust through. Pop culture reference! The defense is really actually boring but they are good and make up for the fact the offense is going to sputter on every single third and long.

Final Report: Tennessee is unlucky they have to play in the same division as the Colts and Jags. The Titans are good enough to beat a lot of teams but not good enough to beat a good team. Contain Vince Young and force him to fling the ball awkwardly around the field and they are beat. The running game is going to be the key for the Titans because the only way they will be able to move the ball through the air is when Vince Young gets flushed out of the pocket or throws a 5 yard out. Young and JaMarcus Russell are going to compete all year to see which QB can throw more balls 5 yards over a receivers head. I say the first person to bounce a screen pass should be declared the "Shittiest QB" winner.

Team Record: 7-9

Denver Broncos

Offense: Mike Shanahan in the past couple of years has loved two different types of players: underachievers and players who have had personal problems in the past. He also wants everyone to know all of his running backs are expendable. Unfortunately what happens is you end up with a team that has no name running backs and underachieving players with personal problems. The #1 receiver, Brandon Marshall injured his knee walking over McDonald's wrappers, somehow Keary Colbert is on the roster, and the #1 running back is Selvin Young. None of those are really positive things. Overall I have learned two things: First, never underestimate Mike Shanahan and second, he really has very little clue of what he is doing but it all seems to work out. As long as the OL continues to open holes, 1,000 yard rushers are spit out like they are on an assembly line and Jay Cutler continues to progress as a QB, the Broncos are going to have a good offense. Also, Brandon Marshall needs to stick to eating Burger King.

Defense: This is where the turd fest reached new and even more successful heights in the past. Like most turds, they have been flushed, but it took a few too many experiments by Shanahan. In a division with Larry Johnson, LaDanian Tomlinson, and Darren McFadden being 31st in rushing defense is going to be a killer. I look at the defensive line and it is competing for more backups in starting positions than any other team except the Kansas City Royals baseball team. Baseball reference! The real question is how many beers will it take before a Broncos fan will actually believe the defense can stop anyone? I would say at this point the person would black out or get alcohol poisoning. John Lynch left the team because he said they did not have a plan for him anymore but with a secondary that has Marquand Manuel and Marlon McCree in it, the Broncos should take Ronnie Lott if he wanted to play.

Final Report: The Broncos are not an untalented squad, they still have Champ Bailey and they will find another 1,000 yard rusher somewhere on this roster or another roster. The questions are the defense and how well the offensive line can protect Cutler to get the ball to the no name receivers? Mike Shanahan is slightly overrated as a coach. He did a great job in winning back to back Super Bowls but he has very little clue on how to build a defense and his personnel decisions are beyond questionable.

Team record: 9-7

Kansas City

Offense: How odd is it that Larry Johnson gets a huge contract and then immediately has his worst year as a starter? That never happens, you except with Shaun Alexander and every other running back in the history of the NFL. How bad is Brodie Croyle? He has made Damon Huard seem to be a viable starting quarterback and Tyler Thigpen could also possibly be in the running as the starter. That's not good. Croyle was not very good at Alabama and he is not going to be very good in the immediate future either. It does not help the offensive line has gone from a Who's Who of talented All Pro lineman to a group that lacks talent. It always make me nervous when a rookie is counted on his first year to help anchor an offensive line. It is going to be sad to watch Dwayne Bowe running 15 yard deep patterns and having Croyle skip the ball to him on the ground like he is skipping rocks on a lake. I think Herman Edwards agreed to do Hard Knocks last year so the rest of the football world could see the shit situation he was in and possibly give him some ideas on what the hell to do.

Defense: The only real question about Glenn Dorsey in college was injury concerns. What has he done since being drafted? Nothing, he has been injured. Great. If Dorsey is able to be healthy this year, the defense has a real chance to be a top 10 defense, which will take the pressure off the offense. Gunther Cunningham is possibly the worst head coach in the history of Kansas City but he is good at being a defensive coordinator and will get the best out of every defensive player. I love speaking in cliches. I bet the defense will give 110% this year and take it to the next level, but most of all just take it one game at a time. I am just happy Johnny Dingle is on the roster this year, he has one of my favorite names.

Final Report: Larry Johnson is going to be facing 10 men in the box this year and since he has shown little fight over the past year to break tackles, he will probably gain 500 yards on 400 carries this year. The Chiefs have to find a quarterback, not drafting one was a risky move but they believe in Brodie Croyle, or they are just insane. Knowing Herman Edwards, I say insane.

Team record: 4-12

Oakland

Offense: Are you a physical speciman? Do you have little to no football skills? Have you never heard of football? Then Al Davis wants you. Darren McFadden fumbed 27 times in college, so that bodes very badly for the team, but he is fast so that more than makes up for it in Al Davis' eyes. They need to practice those fumble recovery drills. I truly believe Michael Bush is either the best or second best RB on this roster and he needs to get more touches. JaMarcus Russell has a laser for an arm, no longer weighs 280 pounds, and hopefully will get an opportunity this year to play without getting yanked from the game. He is going to be very fun to mock. If you get tickets to a Raiders game, I would warn you to not sit behind the end zone in the first 30 rows. If Russell tries to throw a five yard slant, he could very well miss and kill you with a football. Does he necessarily have any football skill? Hell no, fuck that, but he looks good playing poorly and that is all that matters. I give it two years before DMac and JaMarcus run away from the team and start a Los Angeles street gang. I would rather do that then play for this clueless team. The initiation would be to kick Javon Walker's ass everytime he leaves the hotel room.

Defense: Remember when everyone would say the Raiders had a good defense and they just needed a good offense? Not anymore. Along with drafting physical specimens and low character players, Al Davis also believes if you can't find a defensive player to play for your team, overpay the ones you got. Tommy Kelly thanks them for this. DeAngelo Hall is going to compete all year with Gerard Warren for worst locker room influence. I have my money on Hall. Anytime you lose your temper in argument with Steve Smith, and Steve Smith keeps his, you know you have temper problems. Apparently the Raiders and Broncos have a turd exchange program because this defense is full of them. DeAngelo Hall, Gerard Warren, Tommy Kelly, and William Joseph. A definite classic collection. Look for Gibril Wilson to have a horrible year as well. What is it with the Raiders and signing players who were in the Super Bowl in the previous year. Dexter Jackson, Gibril Wilson, Dominic Rhodes and Larry Brown just pop into my mind. Have I mentioned Al Davis is clueless?

Final Report: Lane Kiffin is on the hot seat this year. What has he done to deserve this? He accepted the head coaching position with the Raiders. The offense has a lot of potential if the offensive line can just block for the running backs and give JaMarcus Russell time. Sounds easy, remember it is the Raiders and they will make it difficult. The defense also has a lot of potential but I am not sure if it actually improved in the off season. Hall and Asomugha are two good corners but the problem lies in the fact this team is inherently dysfunctional. No one listens to the coach, the owner is insane and there is a lack of talent on the roster. Should make for a shitty year.

Team record: 5-11

San Diego

Offense: The only thing holding this team back is the fact Norv Turner is the head coach. How is an offense with Antonio Gates and LaDanian Tomlinson 20th in the league in offense? The Philip Rivers Era is fully here finally and as someone who has watched him at NC State when he was in college, I am still wondering how the hell he throws the football like he does. He and Vince Young are the only two sidearmed throwing QB's ever, except for David Carr of course, but he rolled the ball to the receiver, as well as ducked when the pass rush was coming. Fortunately, as long as LT can run the ball there should be no need to see Rivers' crazy ass delivery of the football. I bet Ben Roethlisberger really wishes he played for the Chargers because they have really tall receivers with Malcolm Floyd, Vincent Jackson, and Kassim Osgood. Granted, none of them are necessarily any good, but Big Ben likes tall men and the Chargers certainly have that. The Chargers still have that great O-Line, so LT should find many holes to run through and if Rivers should ever have to throw the ball he will have time to do so.

Defense: Why is it that everyone forgets Shawne Merriman is a steroid user? He got suspended for a few games and now it seems like everyone forgets he used steroids, while baseball players are shut out of the game if they are even suspected. Bizarre. Either way the defense has not lost anything since last year, but again, did you know they were only 14th in the league in total defense? They had some problems stopping the run and they have really not done anything signficant since the end of last year to remedy this. Norv Turner at his absolute best. There is a problem? Who cares, let's just keep doing the same thing over and over again. The secondary is very good, though Quentin Jammer did not quite become the All Pro cornerback I was sure he would be. They have three safeties on the roster but DeJuan Tribble, who has an awesome name, will hopefully end up playing some safety because (a) I like his name and (b) he should be a good player. You can trust me, I said Charles Rogers and DeShaun Foster would go to 14 All Pro games combined, so I definitely know what I am talking about.

Final Report: This team is going to dominate the division and have a good chance at winning a playoff game. Unfortunately, they will probably then realize Norv Turner is the head coach and lose to New England. It's not that Norv Turner is a bad coach, it's just that he seems so uninspiring and for a person who works so well with QB's, as a head coach he never really develops any great QB's. I really like this team though and I think the window may be closing on them with LT getting near running back middle age (i.e. 30). If they are going to make a Super Bowl, I think this could be the year. That being said, I am not sure they can stop the run well enough to do it. Good Ol' Norv better start updating his offensive coordinator resume if they don't because the mentally incompetent front office will probably fire him and try to rehire Marty Schottenheimer.

Team Record: 13-3